Freewrite - that's right, it's all off the top of my head...step right in and mind your shoes, the carpet was just cleaned!

I often wonder what goes through people's minds when they think about their favorite writers and authors. I know what goes through my mind. But I wonder if there are people that think what we do is umm...I don't know....peculiar or strange??

We sit and listen to our thoughts all day long and decide which ones are good enough to put down on paper and then share that nonsense with the world right?  It's tons more complicated than that - let me tell you. Not all ideas are good ideas and some of your bad ideas end up being awesome stories and some of your best stories end up being rubbish for the fire.  I'd say its a crap shoot but even that is not the truth.

Writers don't make other writers great.

There I said it.

Nope. It's the truth.

Wanna know what else? 

Readers make writers great!

Who knew right??? I...KNOW!    

PEOPLE for ages have labored under the delusion that writers more specifically authors just crank out NYT Best Sellers. But people are forgetting that if they didn't buy those books, if they didn't take a shine to the author....even they hadn't even heard of the guy or gal then...there would be no best seller list!

I have to admit though, that I do sit and fantasize about one day being on that list. I don't know what it will do for my life but look what its doing for these other writers! Well wait...it's not really doing anything is it. Except giving praise for a job well done. I have a puppy and I know a guy with five cats that can do that for me. 

Still, I'd like to think the hours I spend on my rose covered balcony somewhere in the south of France or maybe even Italy, writing on my parchment with my quill with my Jane Austenesque flow will land me there one day.

The above would be me and all my writery friends hanging out reciting poetry to the boys down on the street. As far as we can tell they dig it and want more ...so my friend there offers them cleavage while I just sit and the background (with the red scarf) and think - what a hooker and shake my head no.

This is closer to me....a woman playing The Stroke by Billy Squier, getting all kinds of renaissance funky with it.  For those who don't know who that is...I'll let you look it up on Youtube LOL. (I'm going with a specific theme here.) She probably rocked out on that bad boy and smashed at the end of her set like the total renaissance rock star that she is! Who is she...hell if I know...she just looks like she's about to deliver some screaming Janice Joplin or 4 Non Blondes or something wicked like that.  *shrugs*

Back on subject, you guys are worse than cats with shiny things, writing isn't as mysterious as it seems. Sure there are those of us that buy into our own hype, like that guy who wrote An Imperial Infliction or Affliction....to the Googles!!! (dammit I wish this thing was real time - that would have been awesome with a little spiny icon jumping from the center of the screen). It is An Imperial Affliction - by Peter Van Houten - the faux writer in The Fault In Our Stars. My niece has made me watch the blasted thing a million times - you'd think I know this off the top of my head....

I know you guys are wondering what the hell is going on and the truth is you are right to wonder. Hey, ice cream and cookies for you if you guessed there was something up and or wrong.

Truth is...I'm deflecting or avoiding a thing, trying to make myself feel better after something I did and trying to feel better in spite of it. I just finished some really heavy writing that literally drained me emotionally. This piece caused me to look a little deeper into myself and deal with yet more yuck down in there. Yuck that I really hoped I could get over but the thing with writing is that you relive things as the come to the forefront of your mind.

These jaunts into the past wear on me and I find myself having to do things ...be it listening to music, drawing silly things or coming here and goofing off for a little while....to come down from all of that. I asked some people in a writing group I'm a part of what kinds of things they'd recommend for the come down - they had some good ideas. Exercise (bunch of nope lol), Boba tea (which I really have to try one of these days), music, Disney movies and all kinds of stuff. I do believe that my favorite suggestion came from a woman who has gained my admiration. She told me to snatch the monster from under the bed or the closet, write them and then beat them up and go for a run. I loved this advice so much I took it but those little devils are so crafty! Just when you think you got a handle on your demons they do the unexpected - not besting you but slowing you up a bit to make life a little harder.

So this thing I've been writing isn't a work of fiction and will end up a part of Schizo. It is a hard subject for me, most of these are but I get through them unscathed and no doubt I will with this as well - if not - my next foray will be with Salvador Dali paintings lol.

It's a hard  thing to talk about especially since its sooo close to home. Not on my doorstep but sleeping in my bed, close to home. The nose on my face, close to home - know what I mean? So while I'm getting that piece of writing together - I couldn't do it in one day - just too much to deal with, I will be here consorting in my release. 

So shall we get back to it? Romanticizing about romanticizing writing.

I have read very few authors whose words were flowery or too thick to get through, thank goodness and while I tend to lean towards the flowery prose (the romance in me is not dead) too much of it can be a turn off.  This may actually tie into the thing I'm being enigmatic about. Maybe I shouldn't be - better to warn you guys than to just post it and hope for the best.

The piece I am working on is about the Romanticizing of Depression and Suicide. Very hard things coupled together like that. Monsters - they're not always what we can see - sometimes its the things we don't see that terrorize us the most. 

I've been reading and seeing things in film and its really quite disturbing to me how much social media like tumblr and other places let these things slide. So I want to first address the realness of these things and then what is portrayed and how harmful it can be to a person who is already in the mind to do themselves harm.

As I scroll through image upon image of the renaissance, I see a lot of art that also depicts depression and distress. One image stood out to me and I think it will likely be the last image of this writing session.

Something here is amiss.  Flowers on the floor..petals askew. A man in black sits in the back with one gloved hand preparing to remove the other and our figure in distress has her face covered as if she is trying not to see him there. 

I remember during certain hallucinations how I would cover my face in order not to see what was in the room with me. Cover my ears so as not to hear the things speak and avert my eyes to my reflection in mirrors when I was real bad off. This reminds me of those times. Those moments when my reality was off and hoping and wishing didn't bring me any comfort - the only comfort I did have was prayer.

If I can leave you with anything after reading such a silly posts with serious undertones at the end, it's this - we do what we have to do to get through the toughest and hardest things that come our way. We may not be able to laugh every moment of our lives or even dawn our beautiful smiles some days but it doesn't mean there won't be a time when we can smile, when we can laugh and or sing...

I've learned from some very beautiful people lately that hard times are just what they are - hard times, not hard forevers. If I were to give in to every moment that tried to kick me down...well. If I made it through, I'd be a mess. I know what its like to second guess life at every turn, to not see the rainbow's end, the silver lining in a cloud or the sun coming out tomorrow as Annie promised - but the kicker is...that it did. It did and I'm here to see it. It took a while but healing does. No one heals in a day. And if they do, it is probably a band aid cure that will only stick for a short time. With that band aid though, there comes a time to rip that sucker off and let the wound do what it does naturally.

These things we call depression,  anxiety, ptsd and other forms of mental illness have taken enough of us already and I'm not willing to be another victim. I'm not! Neither should you. Love yourselves hard, thoroughly and strongly  - so strong that another person can't place doubt in your minds. So hard that the only validation you need is from God and so thoroughly that not even your worst day can knock you down.

This has been fun, eye opening and life changing for me - every time I post I learn something new about myself and others. I gain a strength I didn't have before and a glimpse into the future that I couldn't see for myself before.

I hope these writings help you...well, this post is strange lol I'm usually more thought out than this but this was a freewrite session and well...this is just some of the inner workings of my mind (frightening!). 

I really do hope that I have been a help to someone out there. Please feel free to drop me a message or leave a comment if you have anything you'd like to ask or would like to leave feedback.

And as always, it has been a pleasure  - thanks for reading :)

(had to sneak this one in - this is one of my favorite paintings! - As angelic as they are, they seem to be up to no good. lol)