Overthinking is...

Self-destructive

A never ending cycle

Hard to stop

Tough to endure

Over analyzing things and people

Impulse inducing

Hard on the mind

Tough on the heart

Rough on relationships

Fear inducing

Etc...

Today was affected by last night and this afternoon. My music selections for the day are quite reflective of this..

Paramore - Brick By Boring Brick

Paramore - Ignorance

AFI - The Leaving Song Pt.2

AFI - The Love Letter (instrumental)

My Chemical Romance - The Ghost of You

My Chemical Romance - I'm Not Okay

Daylight Dies - Ghosting

Deftones - Change

Korn - Thoughtless

Evanescence - the entire catalog

Seether - Careless Whisper

Shinedown - Bully

Right now Amy Lee's cover of Korn's Thoughtless is playing in my ears speaking all of the words I cannot...it's so hard not to head bang lol I must look strange right now as people walk in and out of the room I am in. (Kitchen) But music and prayer have been my saviors today. I had to get lost in both just to make it out alive.

Most of the day has been spent in silence - save a few Facebook posts here and there, soliciting prayers from friends and loved ones - I haven't physically spoken much at all. Not in reflection or anything but I was seething with anger earlier. I was almost blinded by it. I felt that steel wall that I'd worked so hard at tearing down begin to grow over my heart once more. These are the kinds of things I fight on a regular basis.

I know that being schizoaffective was playing a huge role in my mood earlier. I never get that angry but I figured do something therapeutic with it and help to overcome the strength of the emotion.

The NAMI definition - National Alliance on Mental Illness

Schizoaffective Disorder - a chronic mental health condition characterized primarily by symptoms of schizophrenia, such as hallucinations, delusions, and symptoms of mood disorder, such as mania and depression. People with this disorder are often incorrectly diagnosed first with bi-polar disorder (I was not) or schizophrenia (I was) because it shares symptoms of multiple mental health conditions.

Today it (schizoaffective) was on and still is a bit on the on the bi-polar or mood disorder end of things. Intense anger and mania (racing thoughts, disorganized thinking and impulse) had me at my wits end. I had to fight to stay at what I know is a norm for me. It was too hard and this is why I asked my loved ones to pray because me doing it by myself simply wasn't getting it done. There was also the depressive state, the sadness that was wrapped up in there as well but the anger was feasting on it.

I wanted to put my fist through a wall and scream at the top of my lungs today but didn't. That's what the music was for - to do the things I cannot. Sometimes I think that scream therapy would be good for me - just to go out somewhere, where there's no people and just let loose. Maybe even until I passed out....a war cry. As I was at war with another person today...I feel that now I was also at war with myself - just fighting to keep it together.

These thoughts and feeling didn't come about by themselves - they had help. Now Amy is screaming about Going Under and I think ...welcome to my world. Of all the things to do to myself I had to go and get into an argument that would leave me debilitated and unable to cope for a few hours.

Looking back though - I can say that that argument was not about me. But about someone else's ignorance of something they thought they knew about. My mother warned me today to be careful who I trust with certain information because this person really did try to use it against me. But this is nothing new - I've known this person for 15 years and this - what happened today was just a learning experience for me.

This person made it a point to try to bully me because he thinks I'm weak and fragile. He made it a point to try to drag me through the mud emotionally (that he did). It's not the first time either. I've had to check him several times about how he communicates with me and the things he refers to me as. Today was just too much.

I was called senile and pretty much told that he is friends with me against his better judgment. Well why keep me around? Because I make him feel good, he loves making people hurt. He's told me other times that he's done this people - not today but on other occasions. I listen very well and I comprehend even better. He's a bully and thinks the world revolves around him. I had to let him know that I wasn't going to be the one to do that to.

The argument started last night about a miscommunication - rather than drop it and move on, he latched on like that of a pit bull and proceeded to try to make me feel bad. Then went on to tell me what I was going to do and when.

-We aren't dating and even if we were he'd be in the wrong

-I'm too old to have a bully - I'm damned near 40

-None of my friends do this

-I can't make a person who refuses to listen comprehend what is being said

I wish I could but that is beyond my powers.

Now, the way my schizoaffective disorder was/is working is that I was feeling anger beyond my normal limits. I literally could not speak earlier. I could not sit still. I could not think straight and I really wanted to do something hurtful/harmful to this person. But I didn't - it was just too much even thinking about it. But I wondered how it would feel to backhand him one time in the mouth.

So my trigger - being talked down to/or made to feel like less/lousy friends/abuse

Solution - to rid myself of those that do this to me.

Resolution - this will never happen again, I can't allow it

I checked my own behavior today - as far gone as I was, I had to think clearly and that was harder to do than one might think. I had to get through the surface emotion of anger and rage then piece my way through to the deeper emotion- the thing sitting at the bottom...Sadness. I called this man friend for 15 years but he showed me that he wasn't, hasn't nor will ever be.

Sadness-

He really thinks these things

Is unapologetic

Has always been this way

I make excuses for this man to keep the friendship (possibly because of abuse I take this)

He is teaching me a valuable lesson

He showed me who he really is and I have to believe him

I can't let someone do this to me again or keep a repeat offender of the same crime.

I asked myself a very serious question given my mental state - am I overthinking it?

My answer was no. Not the situation but I'm overthinking now. I handled the situation to the best of my ability. He knows now that I do not approve and will not tolerate his behavior or his person. Banished. The problem is - while Facebook gives you the option of unfriending, phones do not. So I have to ignore the incoming phone calls and texts that I've been getting since about 3 this afternoon.

Abuse is abuse. Be it verbal, physical or emotional and I react to it strongly. I don't know anyone in my position that wouldn't have been infuriated like I was. My first instinct wasn't to cower - but to fight. I've cowered for most of my life and have someone think they can do what they KNOW someone else did to you is craziness. I won't allow it.

Trigger or no trigger, schizophrenia or not - it's just not happening. I'm still tempted to go and flatten some tires ...but I know better. I do.

*I thought that after I calmed down some that the likelihood of me making an emotionally driven post would go down...not so. I still feel these things just not as strongly as I did before - but what I feel more than anything....what is prominent in my heart, my mind and my soul - is VICTORY. I'll explain later this update is long enough

**The post about the Building Fund will be postponed - I'm waiting on some material from my therapist for this post.