10:48 a.m. Monday, 28th, 2015

Coffee: delicious

Air quality: insanely beautiful for fall

Mood: awesomeness

Activity: writing my little heart out

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I wonder how many more days I'll have like this - but it doesn't matter because today I am effectively living in the moment. Last night's dreams we weird and strange and left me pondering the good moments that bring me happiness and how I overlook them. I just need to slow down and ENJOY my life and the blessings given to me. Of course laughter upon waking up this morning is a blessing in itself, it is far better than waking up with migraine headaches or back pain. Laughing yourself awake and snorting is quite possibly the silliest thing I've done in my adulthood, but it happens - this isn't the only time I've done this. Hopefully it won't be the last.

Today is today. Not yesterday or the future but the now and I have a huge obligation to live it fearlessly. Today is also the day I visit my therapist and I am quite excited to see her today - I have things to talk about! Not that I don't any other day, but these are wonderful things that I want her to know.

-accomplishments

-epiphanies

-milestones

-personal growth

This memoir is actually helping me to understand a few things about myself and I love it. It gives me a chance to look back at the obstacles I've face and really see the meaning behind them and the lesson in them. I try not to live my life blindly but I do love my life blindly. I go with eyes wide open to all the corners of the light that fills my life and even the dark space that threaten to swallow me whole.

I've figured out something - while life is truly what you make it,it is also the biggest learning experience we'll ever have as humans. Trial and Error are the ways of living here on earth and that's not a bad thing at all. I learn from my mistakes. There used to be a time in my life where I felt that repeating mistakes meant that I wasn't learning the thing I was supposed to learn the first time and that's half right. It's one of the reasons I pay close attention now but the repetition of mistakes can simply mean that you're getting better with each trial or that you need to reevaluate a situation.

My grandmother Florence used to tell me - "One time is a mistake, two times is a lesson and three times is a choice." which is why I had the outlook I had - making too many mistakes over the same situation made me feel stupid, it did. It made me wonder why I was making the decisions I was making and what was triggering the "sameness" in me to react the same way each and every time. I've even talked about this with my therapist and we came to some the conclusion that experience with trauma can have a strong effect on your decision making particularly if you haven't sought the help needed, if your personal boundaries are non-existent and if you haven't been corrected in dealing with those moments - meaning, if you haven't dealt with those feelings in a personal way. But I always wrestled with feeling stupid even after having done all of that and having made the same mistake over and over. Well first, I'm not stupid, I'm far from it but there are moments when I doubt this...we all have them I guess- second, things and people are meant to happen to us just as much as we are meant to happen to them. It's not a bad thing. It's called interaction. Without it we'd all be hermits and some of us are pretty close to that already with social anxieties and such. Live in the world, don't fear it. Third, and it's a big one - Purpose. Maybe those situations arise, not due to you but to the other person you are dealing with (we can be tools of teaching for others) and maybe the situation requires your undivided attention in a specific area- not the same area you keep trying to fix.

I feel as though I have this in my life and it helps me to see the bigger picture - not just the smaller more basic version of it, which is breathe, eat, sleep. But Live, to the fullest of my potential as a human being. I have whole moments when this simple act seems to be the most impossible thing to do and other moments where it's just like breathing. Moments where I don't even think about the issues and problems I have and am focused on living my life (taking care of children, focusing on my career as a writer and other things). I live for these moments when there's not a cloud in the sky. My purpose in this life - is to be the best me I can be. That means, live and love my life, do all that I can to help others and remain faithful to my God.

A few nights ago, I posted a free write of my raw feelings. I was unsure of what would come of this - I remember crying through it and hoping that My God would hear me and I'm here to say that he did. I was shown his mercy, his love and his compassion. I love him now more than ever! Something else came out of that, a close friend of mine read it and commended me on speaking about this. She said it's good to see both sides of the coin, that it gave her a shock to the system and from there we talked in depth about depression, anxiety and schizophrenia and my experiences with it and her experiences with me. I got a lot of - "OH...that's why you did that!" and "I had no idea." What she didn't know because I hadn't told her, is that she helped me through those moments. She speaks her mind, she's always a joy to be around and she helps bring me back to reality when it seems like I'm floating away. She is always supportive and I love her for it. I want to dedicate this post to her - she asked to remain anonymous :/ but she will get special mention here amongst these words.

People won't know that you love them unless you tell them. Showing them is always the best way to go, with your words and your actions. So to my dearest friend - I love you and thank you for being there for me when I needed you. You deserve so much more! Even a dinner! We'll talk LOL

To all you readers and writers:

May your lives be filled with the love you deserve. May your potential come to fruition and may you be filled with the truth of who you are, the desire to remain so and the strength to do so.

Thanks for reading :)