I think the best way to approach things like this is with truth with nothing sugar coated, so we will enter this conversation with this...

I was 35 when I made the first attempt on my life.

It wasn't pretty, it wasn't dramatic nor was it romantic. There were no candles, no music and no flowers surrounding me as I went about the act. There was just me in my bedroom with a mind full of chaos, a body full of pain and a heart full of rejection and hurt. I had given up - there was no tomorrow, no future to behold and there wasn't even an hour down the line to look forward to. There was nothingness in my mind and in my heart, a void that had swallowed me whole.  As far as I knew - my heart had ceased to beat at the prospect of love and living. It was all just too much to bear.

I remember the pills..there were different ones. Psych meds, sleeping pills, pain meds and things for anxiety -  I settled on the ones that took the pain away and made me sleep. In my mind thinking God would let me die in my sleep. I'd wake up every morning with voices in my head telling me what to do and what not to do. Screaming at me to end it all or to stop - to runaway, to leave or to do something other than what I was going to do. There was much conflict...one voice even cried and pleaded with me to not to do it. I had no idea they cared. (I can only tell you that I thought I was arguing with an angel at one point and with the devil at another.)

People seem to think that when you do things like this that God is the furthest thing from your mind - that you have either stepped away from him or that you just don't believe in him. That's not true. I prayed the entire time I plotted against my life. I prayed that he would let me go in my sleep, I prayed for the process to be painless and I prayed that he would show up to let me know I was still in his good graces.  I'll tell you what I got. I did not go in my sleep, the pain persisted - so did the voices and as for his presence - he was with me the entire time, I know this because I'm still here to tell you about it.

Scripture would come to  mind, things like my body shaking each every time I lifted the pills to my lips happened and my name being called in cries ...so loud that it made me cry.  I was grieving a life that I no longer wanted to live and crying out to God in the hopes that he would just rescue me from my situation. The days prior, I was giving my possessions away to my children.. I gave them the things that they expressed wanting at some point in time. They didn't know what was happening only that I was being very generous.  I went about spending time with my family to give them good memories of me, things they could look back on with love and I began separating myself from everyone after that.

I felt sure that anyone other than me could do a better job at raising my children. Because I was failing as a parent. I felt that my friends wouldn't miss me - it had been months since I'd heard from them and I knew they'd just go on with out a problem ...hell we hardly talked anyway.  And I wouldn't be such a burden on my family - with them constantly having to check up on me or do things for me, because at the time - I could do nothing for myself - my psychosis was deep. I had walked away from my house several times before hand at the urging of the voices and had to be found. Sometimes I made it back home - other times no, family would find me before getting the police involved.

I had a plan. I had that plan for weeks ahead of the deed. It wasn't that I had just woke up one morning and decided that, that was the day it was going to happen. No - I knew what I was going to do and I made sure not to let on that I was thinking it.  It was easy to lie to people - they'd ask "How are you?"  and I would lie with an "I'm okay".  It wasn't however easy to lie to myself. Trying to convince myself that I was doing this for the sake of those around me was hard to stick to. What I was doing was being very selfish but the illness that ravaged my mind every second of every day wouldn't allow me to see that they loved me more than I thought.

So I did it - I took the handful of pills and waited to die in my sleep to see the gates of heaven open up to me and welcome me with open arms... only that's not what happened. The pain ripping through my stomach had caused me to vomit, convulse and black out. I was roused to screams and yells:

"What did you take?...How many?...What's your name?...Do you know where you are?...You are going to the hospital...How many did you take?...What were they?...Where's the bottle?"

I didn't answer, instead I began to pray aloud and tell those around me that I was sorry they found me and that I was leaving, God was going to take me home that day. I was going to get to see God.

This is a matter that is hard for me to talk about. This is my third draft on the topic and each every time, I get to the meat of the situation I stop and talk myself out of it but I can't sit here and talk about depression and mental illness without talking about one of its symptoms.

I was so sure that I would be with God that day that I was prepared to answer to him for all the things I'd done including the suicide, I was prepared to plead for my afterlife and do what he wanted me to do to preserve my soul. But the only thing he required of me - the only thing that he has ever wanted of me, is to live and love him. Sometimes we think that when he doesn't answer our prayers that it means he's not listening or doesn't love us - that's not true. He showed me his love by bringing me through my turmoil each and every time I felt it. My God is an awesome God and he has proven that to me time and time again with the way he responds to me.

I wanted to talk about this. Far too many times you see in film and read in books about how beautiful things like suicide are. It has been turned into a cinematic production with little thought to those who are fragile to the subject. I've read of lovers killing themselves to be together eternally. I've seen teenagers slice into their precious flesh surrounded by candlelight and roses with soft music in the back ground and I've listened to music glorifying the act as the only way out of this life. Whole groups/organizations backing the act of making the choice for themselves because it is something they control. Where I didn't have this sadness and anger over such ideas before, I have them now because I've come to understand just how precious life is.

We are all fighters. It doesn't matter what level fighter we are or for what cause - it just matters that we are all trying to survive this world one way or another. Sometimes our coping skills are off...we turn to the things that would harm us rather than help us. We look to people to give us the answers for what's bothering us not understanding we are all in this together and need support from each other. Life (the big scary thing that it is) throws us curve balls and at times we miss on the swing. If I could draw a picture of what that looked like for my life you'd see a woman tired and confused.

To be absolutely honest with you - I've given up on more than one occasion. I've walked away from my living without a look a back only to have God show up and give me a reason to live. He's placed my family before me, my purpose in my hand and a faith that looks to be strengthened by his divine glory. I am not the woman I once was. 

I was afraid to live. I didn't know what other horrible things would happen in my life. I've survived sexual abuse, emotional and mental abuse. Rape. Divorce and a pretty bad car accident. All this isn't stated to pull at your heart strings - it's stated so that you might know the mind that experienced all of this, the person writing this and the body that endured. I used to write poetry about how broken I am because that's what I was. Broken and afraid. Afraid of what God would allow to happen next, afraid of what I would fall into and afraid for the things I couldn't ward off in my fragile state of mind. Slowly but surely I healed and am healing. I'm far from a finished product. Every day there is a new challenge I must face and every day I call on the Lord to help see me through to the end.

When I tell you that I shouldn't be here - I mean it. I can't tell you why my life has been spared. I can't and I won't put words into God's mouth but instead I'll tell you what I think he wants of me. I think he wants to see me do all the things I've prayed for. I think he wants to see me succeed and and I think he wants to help me with my endeavors....which is in turn helping you. 

I know heartache. I know the pain of living in a world that is unkind. I know the fear of not knowing what's coming next and I know the harsh reality of the things of this world but even with all I know - there are yet still some things to be understood. Some things that cannot be explained. I feel as though I have purpose and while there are days that I feel it stronger than others, it doesn't stop me from wanting to venture forth and live the life that I was given.

I feel healed of the actions that I took against my body and I feel healed in my heart. I won't lie, I suffered some set backs. See...no one tells you and you don't see the after affects of having harmed yourself. Things like nervous system damage, the brain damage that you can cause yourself from ingesting so many drugs. The fine motor issues you have just walking or trying pick up things or write. No one speaks to the issues that you endured with your family - the permanent unease, the lack of trust that happens when you do things like this. Family members not being able to trust you, family watching your every move, questioning your every step. And I tell you its because there is a fear that has been installed in them from the actions taken. It's a hard thing to get over.

But there is something I want you to take away from this.

You may feel defeated and overly abused. You may feel as though life has been tougher on you than on anyone else or that the world has lost its sense of love in your eyes. Please don't feel that way. I chose the song above because it speaks so much to want I want you to take away from this. 

Love's On Its Way - the love of your spouse, the love of your children, the love of your family, mother, father, whoever cares for you and if you feel that none of these people do - there are others that will. I tell you that love and hope and healing and comfort and trust and God are on the way. Will you open your eyes to it to see them?  You are never alone and there are those that would help you as they've helped me.

Recently, in my own family the information I provided below was used by my 12 year old niece. She just didn't know what to do after being bullied at her school. She began to believe the things these kids said about her and it broke her down. She wanted to take her life and nearly did. She thought about what it would mean if she did and she called the hotline below to get help. Within minutes there was a rescue team and a police officer sent to her house to help her. I thank God that she called or else I might be sharing a very different situation with you.

I wrote in a post before that depression is indiscriminate. It doesn't care how old you are, what color you are, or what your financial background may be. We all experience it on some level and for some of us, it is a battle. She's just 12 - people would argue that she's too young and what could she possibly have to be depressed about. She has her reasons as we all do but we are not beyond help or too far gone for healing to happen.

Please - talk to someone if you are feeling this way. Talk to me. Talk to your family, your school counselor or anyone that you think will listen. My former employer had counselors on hand for us to talk to if and when we felt overly stressed and it was an awesome program. More companies need places like that to partner with. Just let someone know how you are feeling. Know that I come to you in truth - I purposely refrained from flowery descriptions and pretty words. I didn't want this post to be entertaining. I wanted it to be a wake up call.

For those who romanticize suicide and depression - please stop. You are making matters worse than they are. Our young people need to know that what they see on television is false, our adults need to know that someone gets it and all of us need to know that we are supported.

I know this was long and I apologize for that - but this was something that needed to be said in my memoir. I may revisit this subject again in the future with more information.

If you have any questions or concerns about yourself or a loved one, please do not hesitate to use the number below. 

As always, thanks for reading. 

May the God of peace and mercy  mend your hearts, set awakening in your minds, open your souls to His goodness with his powerful touch.  It is my sincerest prayer that he work, heal and comfort you in all of our lives. Peace and love to you all.

1 (800) 273-8255

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline

Hours: 24 hours, 7 days a week

Languages: English, Spanish

Website: www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org