Sometimes I think the hardest thing to do is letting go....of pains, sorrows, hurts, addictions...people, jobs, things, bad and old habits – we grow attached and get used to the weight of those things on our shoulders. So much so that when they leave...we're left wondering what that other feeling is. Freedom, release, weightlessness...it's all foreign to a body that is used to burden.

Life teaches us things. Sometimes those lessons are hard, sometimes they are downright painful but in the end we learn to let things go.

While on my journey of self-discovery, mental clarity and spiritual wakefulness, I'm seeing that in order to exercise faith, one must not only trust in God with everything they have and have in them but one must also be confident and courageous in doing so. I'd be lying if I said that these things come easy for me, they don't. I've relied on my own abilities to do things for a very long time and in doing so have wondered why things didn't get done the way I wanted them to or done at all. Confidence? I shy away from things and people at times due to fear or uncertainty. I like knowing what I'm getting into with people and things – I even like some foresight into the future if at all possible – but the thing is...I don't always get that. No one knows the future except what is revealed to them. Sure we can plan but even plans go awry because situations change. And courage? That goes back to fear. Now I will say this, I am not as fearful as I once was. I still have a healthy amount of it and I believe it has kept me alive all these years because there are things I refuse to do lol (leaping from skyscrapers while tied to a rubber band, walking over raging rivers on a matchstick bridge, swimming with sharks after having shaved my legs or anytime for that matter, and walking blindfolded over a minefield of Legos and Barbie shoes). But...BUT I also feel that I am denying myself some awesome experiences because I can't control the situation or the outcome of things. (Meeting awesome people in places out of my comfort zone, trying new things that require me to have bravery, and using my skillset on something other than the things I am familiar with) Control is an issue for me.

And therein lies the problem. When you trust in God the only control you have is that of self. So there are things I need to let go of in order to do more than the minimum. My minimum is different than others. People see what I do and ask how I get it all done, whereas I hear stories and see what others do and am in awe...particularly with writing. There was a time when I was prolific in writing. I could sit down and kick out a few stories with ease and be working on a larger work ...those times have passed lol

Man...I'd give anything to have focus again. My brain just does its own thing and decides what it wants to focus on and what it wishes to prioritize. I fight everyday with priorities. Coffee is priority in the mornings and most nights before bed, bible is the biggest priority. It's the time in between the start-up and the wind down that kills me. I wrestle with all these things and find myself working on multiple projects at once and you need to know – I am far from a multi-tasker. Me and multitasking really don't get along but I'm forced into it because everyone needs something from me ...seemingly all at the same time.

I think they believe that since I have no job that my time is being wasted. Far from the truth. I am solidly booked with projects until June. Not to mention I have personal projects to complete within this time frame as well. I'm feeling the pressure and I've only just started. But I know there are things I need to let go in order to accomplish my goals. Working with people I don't know is one of them. I've been introduced to a young woman and we've been partnered up to do a great work for my church. That's fine. But I know nothing of her work ethic and she knows nothing of mine. While I am laid back when it comes to work, I am no slacker except when it comes to the things I need to do at my own disposal.

I know she has a heavy work load.... She works with the alderwoman of the neighborhood my church is located in. She may take our big endeavor lightly...I don't know and I shouldn't speculate. I'm just unsure and am needing more input as to who I will be working with. Hopefully some light will be shed Friday when I meet her.

I need to let go of the uncertainty and just move with caution and preparedness. Move with purpose in my every step and do what I know how to do. This work isn't easy but it's fulfilling. That is what I like about serving my community, my church and God. I like the feeling I get helping the youth learn about Jesus and helping to build them up when so much tears them down. I wouldn't trade it for the world – so I need to get over myself and move forward.

I've been reading a lot on ministry and how to make it effective. And on fruitfulness. I don't believe I am bearing much fruit and I truly believe that at this very moment in my life that I am being pruned...things are being cut back to help me become more fruitful. I'm glad of it but as I am aware of this happening, it's kind of painful. I don't hang around with the same people I did before and while I miss their faces, I can't say I miss their attitudes though or how they treated me. As I stated at the top of this piece...letting go is hard especially when you are used to having certain people around. Hmm...maybe I tolerated it because I really didn't have anyone else to hang with. Or...I was just used to the treatment. It's hard to think on, it hurts a little but we must work on what pains us.

I'm learning and that's the point. It's a hard lesson and that's the truth.

I'll need to spend some time with God tonight so I will end here.

Heavenly Father,

You know this person, this flesh and bone, this mind and soul...do what you will with me. As I learn humility before you, reverence for your name and love for your being I pray that you not only teach me how to love you but also how to love like you. Teach me to see as you do those in my path that I may love them more. Give me a heart as you have and a mind to think like you. It is my deepest prayer to imitate you and your ways. Please show me the way. This heart is yours to shape, this life is yours to mold. It is in Jesus' name I pray that you make me the person you want me to be.

Amen