Hello and good evening to you all.

I hope the day has been tolerable and the evening is evening out for you. <--- Words, they kill me sometimes. The same word meaning different things. The different lives with the same outcomes. Different ideas born of the same brain. This type of thing happens more often than I know what to do with. Like yesterday I sat down to read an article on tips for writing non-fiction and read somethings that I've been doing right. See what I did there. Yeah, I have no idea where this is going. I just felt like writing my mind and righting some wrongs in the process. Ha!

Okay, I'll stop. Just trying to interject some humor in this thing.

The day was loooooooong! I swear I spent like 5 hours in the grocery store today. But before that, I just want to say this – I will be opening up my shop for the reading of palms and divining of futures after the New Year. I said some things were going to happen and they did.

I actually went in to see my psychiatrist this afternoon because he wanted to see me before he left his office at the behest of my counselor. They had a talk and decided this would be best. And yes, my dosage has been altered but not by much. I'm going to be okay. Life is just doing what it does without my permission or agreeance as usual.

It seems that there is a definite theme attached to the year 2016. Loss. I'm not going to go down the list of things and people that I've lost but I have to add one more to the list today. My Uncle Charlie passed away yesterday evening. Now, I'm actually angry at his death than I am sad because it was preventable on his part but he chose the life he lived. There wasn't much we could do. He was a grown man – a stubborn one – but still grown. He died of complications with his kidney. His kidneys were messed up from years of smoking and alcohol abuse. I don't know that I'd call tobacco a drug...I don't know. I guess it is – that's what doctors call it anyway. As a smoker – I look for outs and excuses for my behavior but his death is definitely causing me to reevaluate some stuff.

I'm told that my uncle began smoking when he was 13 years old and hadn't turned back. That he began drinking when he was 16, sneaking his father's liquor when he wasn't looking. He was the family bad boy – right up to the end. A month ago, he was supposed to go to dialysis for his kidneys and decided to skip the treatment and hit up a bar. When the doctors asked why he didn't show up he said he went to his sister's house (my aunt) instead and when the doctors questioned my aunt she had to tell them that he had never been at her house because...he hadn't. He'd lie to get out of his treatments and to stay out of trouble.

I have something in common with this man. I started smoking when I was young too. I was 18 when I started and have quit and started and quit and started over and over. At one point in my life alcohol was a problem. My college years were terrible and my fifth year of marriage was as well. I had to reign it in and get a handle on it before it became a problem. But like anything else – nothing really changes for you until you hit bottom and I hit bottom so hard that I bruised my ass. Truth. It was an embarrassing and potentially dangerous situation that I am not proud of. As a matter of fact, when I tell the story I make sure it's a lesson of how not to be like me.

I won't tell it here...I may one day but now is not the time. Today I don't feel like being a teacher. Today I feel like...a woman on the edge of her seat being forced to wait to see what's coming next. I don't want to know. I'm not opting for ignorance but – some things I can go without knowing – but of course that's a thing of hindsight because the revelations always come beforehand. The things we discover that we don't want to know come to us as regrettable epiphanies. I may joke about divining the future but that is something I do not want to do. I think it would be even harder living knowing what's going to happen than not knowing at all. Knowing your trials before they come to you and not being able to do anything about them just doesn't seem appealing to me. Yet no one knows how strong they are until they are tested. Maybe this isn't necessarily my test – though it affects me, there is one other that it affects more...my mother. Her mother was just laid to rest two weeks ago and now we have to bury her brother.

(heavy sigh)

It's hard watching her be strong for her family. She's doing a damn good job of it but – I want her to just relax. To do what she needs to do. Maybe she is and I just can't see that. We all grieve differently. Maybe this is her way. I just need to be okay with that. And I am, I just worry.

Today, though, I lament.

I've been searching my heart and the word for something...anything to help us in our moment of need and I believe I've found what I'm looking for. Lament doesn't last forever. Grieving soon ends and then there is the business of living life. We have things to do.

So today came to this – a small sign that even in this the Lord is there.

Lamentations 3:20-24

"I will never forget this awful time, as I grieve over my loss. Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, "The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!"

Even in times of grieving, there is still hope. A positive outlook is what I need. The comfort of family and friends and the time to process it all. To be honest, I wouldn't know what to do if I didn't have the people I have around me. I'd just be quiet all the time, off in my head and wondering if there is a point to all of this. I don't know if I'll be around much after this post but I'll try to be. My NaNoWriMo project is a bit of a wash. I don't even have the focus to work on it. I try but my words aren't amounting to much. I guess I should keep trying – if for nothing than to have a break from all the heavy that's going on around me. My social media accounts are there. I check into those on a regular basis but in the coming days that might not be as much.

I feel a little tired. I feel drained and I feel uncertain. The upheaval is real here. That much I feel. I just hope that it leads to good things. So I ask, once more friends, that you keep me and my family in your prayers. Say a little prayer for us as we lay our loved one to rest and press on.

Thank you guys for your support, your kind words and your love. You have no idea how much it means to me and how much good it does me. ((((((Hugs))))) for each and every one of you. Thank you!

Shall we get on with it – he likes it when we talk to him, so let's do that.

Heavenly Father,

Once again we bow our heads and bend our knees in your presence as come before you with clear minds and open hearts ready to receive your goodness, your word, your strength and your love. Be the light that guides us as we seek your face in all that we do. Be the hand that touches our hearts to soften us from the harshness that we experience in this world and lift our heads to rejoice your heavenly and holy name in the midst of our trials and tribulations. Lord, we thank you for being the God of compassion, mercy, forgiveness, love and healing and pray that you receive your children with welcoming open arms into the warmth of your heart.

Strengthen us as we set about the business of living, bless our hearts that we may be a blessing to others and lead us in the way that you would have us go. Thank you for knowing what is best for us and giving us your best. And thank you, Lord for your word and its healing force in our lives.

We pray these things in truth and ask for these and all things in Jesus Name, Amen.