Halps! I need your advice!

So I was just sitting here, venting to myself, in my journal. Scolding myself about an action I want to take, effectively slapping my own hand for my inner thoughts and repeating to myself "No-no, Ty!" I'm as grown as a woman can get at a young age. Yet I feel the need to police myself at every turn. Like...fun is no longer fun but a thing to be controlled at all costs for fear that I will look bad, do bad, be bad...have too much fun. This thing of self-control is hard, especially when you want to forget yourself.

I just turned 41 and while the world seems a bit brighter than it had before...it also seems a bit more threatening as I have come across a situation that threatens my sense of virtue lol

I met a man the other day. He came to fix our porch, he and his uncle. We've talked for a little bit since. The first day I met him – he spilled his guts about his life, just opened up about who he was and what he was. He's young. Only 33 years old, going through a divorce and he has shown an interest in me. I won't lie, I was flirting as hard as he was. We asked each other questions and answered them, to my knowledge, truthfully. I have no reason to doubt him – his uncle was working alongside him and was kind of co-signing the things he was saying. He's fresh from court with his divorce...like a newborn babe released into the wild and told to figure it all out.

I could hear the hurt in his voice, it was as thick as the cement he was pouring. He would laugh to lighten the mood because there were a couple of times his eyes watered. My heart couldn't take it. If there's one thing that feels like kryptonite to me, it's watching a man cry. I fought the urge to wrap my arms around him. Instead, I said a little prayer and joked with him a little bit about being an old fish in a new sea. He'd been married 10 years and after 10 years he decided he couldn't take any more of what he called abuse. I felt sorry for him. I've been there and walked down that road and tried to set aflame the path that I wore in it. Tried. I guess those footprints will remain there and serve whatever purpose they will serve. I just know I'm not willing to backtrack. It's not an option even if it presents itself as one.

I got him to laugh a little. From there we talked about lighter things. Things we want to do in life, things we want to see and places we want to go. We seem to have many similarities, many shared points of interest and hearts full of curiosity about one another. Dare I say, I fell in love with his personality and his manner, the way he was talking to me, so intelligent and I love that - But here's where it gets sticky.

Last night we were talking and he brought up something he said during a conversation we had while he was working. He kept asking if I had someone to get back to. I told him no. He said you must have urges and I said, "Well yeah...I'm not dead" then he shot me a smile. I smiled back. I had no idea he was propositioning me until the conversation we had last night. When he texted me "No strings?" I had to think about what he meant and then when it dawned on me what he was asking, I hesitated to answer...

There was no way I was going to say yes to that because I know how my heart is and I know that for me my heart is attached to firmly to my body, meaning, there is no "just sex" with me, I'm a total package deal...I was just trying to figure out how to tell him no. So, me, ever the diplomat...

The following is the conversation...

Me: I really wanted to get to know you...any harm in that?

Him: No but I like to be straight forward

Me: I'm glad you are straight forward. I don't want to waste anyone's time. I'm on ice for a while. So, I can be the friend that's just a friend. I liked talking to you – was hoping to continue that. If that's alright?

As of yet, there has been no answer to this request. I sent that text at 11pm last night and it's currently 3pm the next day. I'm not going to cave on it. I just wish I knew what he was thinking. Is this what guys do now? So soon after meeting you? I mean, I get being divorced and not wanting to enter a relationship... I really do. Been there. But, I never propositioned anyone to take care of primal urges though. Sigh...

He's a nice guy. Good looking, intelligent and smart – I think they are two different things – and he has a healthy curiosity about life and is determined to live it. I like all of that. I even like that he's straightforward. But the rushing just isn't me.

Do I just let it play out or rerelease the catch back into the dating pool? He doesn't want to date, he just wants to satisfy himself and thinks he can satisfy me in return. Help. I'll take any advice you offer. If you are dating now, what obstacles did you or do you face? If you are in a relationship how does the above sound to you? What do you think is the best course of action? If you are single and loving it, how would you handle this situation?

I don't want to make age a factor in this – it looks like he overlooked it just like I did but ...is it? Tell me something, guys. I'm listening, I really am.

I'm not willing to give in to his request for several reasons. We live in a city where STDs are rampant and while I wouldn't consider sex without a condom, there's no guarantee that condoms can prevent all types of STDs. People are walking around with kinds of diseases they don't even know they have. Some from not using a condom and others from using one and just having skin to skin contact. It makes me shudder and want to staple my knees shut.

I was married for a while. After I divorced I tried dating. I had a year of madness with one guy because he refused to be truthful with me. Would lie just to lie. While this one is being upfront about everything he wants and is so sure of himself, I am just a bit put off. Not by his honesty but by his actions.

He was completely respectful to me during the conversations we had face to face. I just...while I was thinking we would take the time to get to know each other, it seems he doesn't want that.

So tell me what you think. Be honest. I love honesty. Be blunt. I love that too – but be clear.

Okay, guys...I'm off to try to read some stuff I've been slacking on. See ya soon.

Thanks for reading and commenting! It will do my heart some good to read your thoughts.