Usually around this time of year depression sets in deep in me and I am at anything but my best. As a matter of fact, studies have shown that, I, a creature of summer - prefer the warmer months and the sun makes me happier than the colder months of fall and winter. The sun is medicine to me, many know this to be true about me. In the sun I'm good in the gloom of winter, I just am. Just there existing but that shouldn't be - everyday no matter the season should be a day that I enjoy. And so I've set myself to do just that. I must find something awesome about each and every day!

You guys should see what I began writing yesterday...I had to slap myself (twice) to get out of that frame of mind:

In the winter of our promises we shed the lies of our former selves and embrace the metamorphosis of being to once again turn out and silence the thieves of our consciousness. We were stolen from and led to be amongst the gangsters of revolution, the players of evolution and the enforcement of retribution.

Law ceases to be the commonality we all share thus more of a situation(al) circumstance or depending on where you live - unfounded happenstance, to those who are less fortunate within their life spans. Take it all in and at a glance - not to romanticize the thing or the outcome, because we were born into civility and yet choose to act as if we are without one.

''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

See that was a bit heavy and depressing. I needed to lighten up and when I figured out that I didn't want to continue writing like that, I put it down (the writing) to come back to it later. I was giving in to all kinds of nasty thoughts and feelings - and it was the feelings that made me stop. I hate feeling so discombobulated in thought and feeling. You know one affects the other and vice versa. Then all of it affects the body. Stress is the silent killer and it knows no boundaries - it will take the young and old alike. That stuff up there - we'll call it that since I am trying not to cuss as much - needed to come out I guess and it also needed to be put away.

Now...while I don't feel like writing ravishing rainbows and sugary sunshine, I am in better spirits than I was with my first attempt. I had to reframe my brain - and give it a chance to come out of the darkness of my thoughts. I am better for it. This is not me pretending to be okay - I really am. While the holidays are an especially hard time for me due to the severe up I feel and then the drop when it passes, I know that they will end, I know that this mood will pass and that all will be well with me as things go back to what I think is normal.

How do I know all of that? The outset of my life is not a bleak one - it just has bleak moments, moments in which the drop cloth is temporarily over the furniture and I am out of business; moments in which the lights are off and I am curled up in a ball in the darkest corner of the room with the dust bunnies. Moments, my friends - where the shop owner has skipped town and there is a vacancy of the mind. Well that makes it sound like I'm running away and I can't ever run from myself. Trust me, I have tried to leave myself behind once before but ....alas, here I am. (crazy talk, I tell you!)

Today though, right now at this moment - I am good. I am fine and I am near perfect as I have reiterated to self the reason(s) I live and how it will all be worth it in the end. Hell, it's worth it now. I just needed to believe it for myself. You know how it happens - people will tell you life is worth living, you'll see all the memes with kittens hanging on to a branch pleading with you to "hang in there" and have the audacity to hope over all that you've been through. I mean HOPE what has that ever got anybody, right? Psht - get that stuff outta here! Who needs that junk, hope?

But I haz it!

I haz teh hopes!

(I'm living with reckless abandon at the moment by hoping as much as I live and its quite exhausting lol.)

Hope has become a driving force for me. I don't just believe in hope - I know it to be a truth. The more I hope, the more I fight, the more I fight, the more I win and the more I win - the happier I am. There's even hope in my failures. I always hope that I learn from them, that the lessons are valuable ones and that my mind is able to face it and overcome it. Do you know that with each new day and every breath that I take - the hope in me grows stronger and stronger? The biggest thing about making hope work is seeing it through with action. Because without action, hope is just a four lettered word spilling off the lips onto the air, there to do what exactly?

Now the dangerous thing about hope is that it consumes you. Things change when you dare to hope. Having the thought and then the desire to do so changes you immediately because then your mind has rearranged in thinking. Humans love what feels good. It's in our make up somewhere to stay away from the things that hurt and flock towards the things that give us good feelings. Hoping or putting your trust in a thing that hasn't happened yet - feels good to me because a part of me knows that there will be a payoff from my actions to make the thing happen, which in turn gives me a good feeling. Hope just feels good to me, having it puts me in a brighter spirits. I cannot imagine a world where hope didn't exist or where it was banned.

My hope allows me to see people through eyes that would otherwise see negativity in things, situations and people. Hope allows me to be adventurous with my feelings and to take risks where needed. Hope gives me a sense of calm and peace where otherwise I might be disenchanted with this life, people and the things that I do.

Speaking of this life - one should get to know all that surrounds them in order to enjoy it. I haven't looked up from my computer for quite some time in November to see much, I've been writing. I have a novel going that is not yet complete. I have hopes of wrapping it up by tomorrow ...we'll see LOL. My distractions have been many especially since Thanksgiving, my mom is really into it this year. I've never seen her so thrilled to be in the season of giving. I just hope her wallet can keep up with her. I love seeing her like this. It does my heart good but I wonder if she'll experience the downer after the holidays are over...like, "it's over what do I do now that I'm penniless and devoid of gift giving joy". I don't want it to come to that. So I will do my best to help her. I guess this is just my own fear playing out in my mind; she isn't me and doesn't have the problems I have. So what is there to fear?

Nothing...nothing at all.

The story title will be changed AGAIN. Lol and it is edging 60,000 words so far. It may well be more than that, assuming I can bring it to a close. I'm so proud of myself and tired at the same time. I took a few days off from the writing to rest up and enjoy the holiday and now I feel like I'm behind even though I'm not. I won Nanowrimo because I clocked in at 50k - I completed that much but now I have to end the thing but the story just keeps going and I don't want to make it end abruptly - I'm shooting for a natural closing but that may be why it's taking so long.

So this was just a catch up but not really. I haven't really divulged much here just that life is going well right now. I made it through Thanksgiving and the writing continues and that I wish to share my infinite hope with you. Hope is free to give and it's a priceless gift. It is infectious and often unshakable. It can be a healing thing and have a profound impact on the life that chooses to wield it.

I want to share it and I want to give it away as a gift every day. It should be like gratitude posts, journals and sayings - if you can list something you are grateful for everyday - you should be able to come up with something you are hopeful for as well.

So friends,

I hope you are all in good spirits. I hope that you can articulate what you need from others and what it is you want to give to them. I hope that love finds you in a most miraculous way that it becomes apparent to your sight and feels good to the touch. I wish so much for you but mostly, I wish you ease with living and that your lives be lived to the full, doing whatever it is that pleases you. Strike away the fear that comes from others and live YOUR life to the best of your ability. You only get one and the only one is yours.

Happy Holidays

As always thanks for reading. :)