Beginnings have always been kind of hard for me but not for the reasons you think. It's not that I fear change or the direction the path is taking me...it's that I get so excited to start a thing, so anxious to do something new that I begin to build it up (whatever that may be) in my head and make it more than what it is. All of my journeys are like that in the beginning but my experiences have shown me that there is no need to be anxious of the moments ahead. They've shown me that calm is a better and stronger force than fear and that anxiety need not be a part of it. Something that I have to constantly remind myself of.

So where am I today?

My world is full of sunlight, peace and joy. Full of the goodness that I've prayed for, for so long that it overflows and spills out into the spaces around me – catching on to each individual as if something as simple as a smile could be magnetic.

My family is happy and happy to see me laugh, joke and talk with them. This pleases me beyond measure. And I think, what was it that was keeping me from being myself? It's all a fog now with second long flashes of negative scenes and a residual pain resides in my memories but it has not taken me over. I am out from under the dense cloud, the stifling darkness and the raging storm. I am, in my mind, residing on a beach in the shade of swaying palms feeling the breeze off of an aqua blue ocean with an umbrella'd drink in hand. If paradise is a state of mind, then surely I am there soaking in the warmth of its tropical sun losing myself in its beauty.

I'm at the beginning of another path, ready to forge ahead. It's funny – I've been writing this post in my head for a week and the beginning is what tripped me up. So I decided to use the moment at hand to open. It's a nice fit considering how I feel right now.

I used to hate the thought of living my life day to day without some plan for the future. Way back when, (more accurately – in a past life) I couldn't see there being a plan for the future – I was not feeling the future or anything it had to offer. The future seemed unattainable and a myth of magnificent proportions. Things that I couldn't see lived there and were waiting, good and bad things – mostly bad, so I thought. And I managed to hold on to this way of thinking for a good while and it took what seems like a lifetime of experiences to change that.

Today,

I'm dying to be a part of the life that is flashing before my eyes. I'm ready to be the change I seek in the world around me and to do my part in helping to ease a need of the people. Yes, I have big and high hopes. I only know how to dream big now – my vision is a mural drawn on the walls of my mind and pasted within my eyesight on any and every blank surface I see. I am a culmination of my experiences and I want others to benefit from it. Surely my life isn't the life of another or even what they've come to know as life but we have similarities. We're on the path to wellness.

There is something I want to share with you – a nugget of goodness for those who seek the path of wellness or are already on it.

Psalm 25:4-5

"Show me the right path, O Lord; point out the road for me to follow. Lead me by your truth and teach me for you are the God who saves me. All day long I put my hope in you."

I found this verse while looking for something else on the subject of spiritual paths for myself and in the seeking of God's word, he led my eyes to this particular passage. For the past four days this has been with me. It sums up how I feel and what I'm doing by placing my faith in the only one that can see me through the many hardships I have faced. Pleading to the Lord to be led by truth along the path that I travel is something I do pray for as well as to be taught along the way so that I may increase my knowledge and wisdom of the things that concern God. The verse is self-explanatory in its message and tells that the Lord is above all in that He knows what's on the path that we will travel. I trust Him to lead me, guide me and teach me all of my days and I know He only works things out for my good....our good.

I am truly nothing without my faith in Him. And I know that He has taken an active hand in my care because if he hadn't, I would not be clear enough in thought to sit down and write anything.

While we may be in the depths of our trials and tribulations for a moment, we must also remember that God is in us for an eternity. He does nothing halfway and always sees his work to completion and that is what I want to talk about today.

So....I am on the path to wellness and good living and because I know trouble and pain won't last always and that there is a time for everything, even healing, I want to know how to handle the fact that I am healing.

You know, after you've been sick for so long with any disease and to be told that you are healing or perhaps are even without that illness anymore can have a strange effect on your life. For the longest time I kept thinking, something's gonna trigger my depression/anxiety/schizo/borderline personality disorder and I'll be back at square one. But that's not the healthy thought process of one that is healing or has been healed.

Sure I wanted to make sure that I was taking the correct steps to ensure that I would heal properly and would know the warning signs if anything were to happen but I was too focused on that. I had actually forgotten that I was doing well and was too afraid to let up on the routine to actually enjoy my life.

It takes some getting used to for some. I was so used to hearing you have this/you have that, this is what will happen if you don't do this...that I just continued to focus and almost expect a setback in my healing. But...nothing happened. I've had a few moments with anxiety and depression...I can count them all on one hand and was so gung ho about preventing it from happening again that I focused only on those things – and not the fact that, the number of episodes had actually decreased. That I was doing what I learned in my 3 years of therapy and using my skills to help with sticky situations like anxiety attacks and panic attacks.

At some point I had to reframe my mind to think – YOU ARE DOING BETTER...yeah, I yell at myself so that I get the point. LOL The thing is – others can totally see through you. If you are in pain they know it, you could be a master of disguise with that crap and think no one will ever know what you are shielding away from the rest of the world but there will always be that one person that knows you well enough to know when you are in distress. Just like they can see clearly when you are truly joyful and at peace. Some like to disrupt this in others – don't let them. Hold on to your peace, hold on your joy and celebrate your life.

I'm learning to live. I'm learning to celebrate my successes in my mental health care and I'm learning more than ever that God is truly the author of my faith as well as my life.

I'm not telling you to look toward the bright side. I know as well as anyone that the Brightside simply doesn't exist when you are in the depths of depression, instead, I'm asking you to see the reality of your situation. You won't be there forever, the clouds will clear and you will be able to breathe again.

Find comfort in the things you love, look forward to the things you want to do and seek the truth in everything that concerns you.

There are some things, I've been putting off talking about but I will tackle those things in the next post. Right now – I want to encourage you. The illness may be a lifetime but the moments are only temporary. Find solace and comfort in this and if you need to talk – I am here.

As always, it was a pleasure sharing my life with you. Thanks for reading and I will see you soon.

May the Lord bless your comings and your goings. May he guide you, lead you and teach you in his ways. And may you come to know the Lord and all he has in store for you! Blessed be his holy name!