"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, "Abba, Father." –Romans 8:15

"For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of self-discipline." – 2 Timothy 1:7

"Now in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." – Romans 8:37

I have to constantly remind myself of who I am and what fear should be to me (non-existent). But often times I give in to fear. I struggle with it...a lot. But it is of comfort to me that God saw this happening in us and spoke to us not just to those folks at that time but across the ages to give us these words:

20 "My prayer is not for them alone. I pray also for those who will believe in me through their message, 21 that all of them may be one, Father, just as you are in me and I am in you. May they also be in us so that the world may believe that you have sent me. 22 I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one— 23 I in them and you in me—so that they may be brought to complete unity. Then the world will know that you sent me and have loved them even as you have loved me." – John 17:20-23

It makes me feel good to know that even someone as perfect as Jesus suffered from the effects of fear as well. When Jesus prayed on the Mount of Olives he shook with terrible fear, he prayed that God would take his cup from him (that he would be spared from death) and he prayed so hard that his sweat fell like droplets of blood to the ground. But then he was comforted...he was strengthened to do what must be done and he went about his mission to bring salvation to the world. I feel a kinship to Christ in this. I do as Jesus showed us – not to remain in fear but to pray in those moments. To address the fear and to ask for strengthening, there are even times when I don't ask and I find myself under the Lord's Grace and Mercy.

There are times that I cry due to the fear I experience, sometimes so deep that I am weakened and physically exhausted in the end. BUT (ß there's one of those big buts again)...I find that he always comforts me because he knows my suffering, he knows my pain and my self-doubt.

I had stopped the practice of sharing my fears with people because I found that they liked trying to use them against me. So I stopped but I will share them here because I think it will help, want to put it out there for others to see and get out of fearful thinking.

-People forcing their fears on me or on my children and likewise me forcing my fears on my kids. I want to them to live productive and healthy lives and fear nothing and especially not carry my fears with them in their lives.

-I have a fear of not being accepted. I don't care if people don't like me or love me just as long as they accept and respect the human being that I am. Just as I accept and respect them.

-I used to have this fear of being alone. It's not so strong anymore because I realize that I'm never alone in my life and look at the bigger picture but every now and then – the thoughts come about relationships and being single but they aren't as overwhelming as they were.

-I have a fear of not living up to my full potential. Having so many outlets and skills and never using them to help the world heal. Which is something pretty big in thought but something as simple as talking to people helps as well.

-I have a fear of displeasing God with the things I do and don't do. One of the prayers I speak the most is to be able to see myself and others through his eyes.

-I also have a fear of letting people down. Particularly when I promise to do something and fail to do it, either because I forget, circumstances or not really wanting to. But I always find that when I go through the things I promise to do that they are learning experiences for me. I try not to flake often. Sometimes my moods just won't allow me to do the things I know I need to do and I'm trying to overcome this.

-My main fear lately has been legit. I fear trusting people who aren't who they portray themselves to be. Being taken advantage of by those that don't care how I feel or would feel about it. This has happened with a few people and while I assign them seasonal beings (there for a season and then on they go) it hurts to see people do this, not just to me but to those around me.

But I have to learn not to give in to these things. They are hindrances and I don't know what is really going on with people in their minds and lives that would make them treat me that way. Before the mental illness made itself present, I would have to chalked it up to people being untrustworthy, mean and selfish but I really try to understand people now. I don't know what motivates their behavior and wish to understand.

The fear of being around people really played up when the symptoms of schizophrenia kicked in...long before the diagnosis**, I felt as though people could see that something was wrong with me and I was not confident about keeping it hidden. So whenever someone asked if I was alright, I'd lie and say yes to keep from having to answer questions. I wouldn't leave the house much and when I did I was always mindful of my behavior. You know, don't do this or say this or act like this – people are watching. I was not sure of myself and some of that still plays up in me...but it's in my mind. I am my own worst critic especially since someone said that we should guard our thoughts when we are alone. It just feels like too much at times. I don't make my illness a scapegoat, blaming it for the way I think and behave. Sometimes that's true – but for the most part I am largely responsible for my actions. This is my personal belief. I know what's me being over critical and what's the illness taking over my thoughts.

These are fears that I am working on and that the Lord is working on in me. As it is stated above, we were charged to have no fear. And it is my thought that fear comes from being out here in the world. We live in an age of trouble and terrorism but I guess that's what Paul was saying in Romans, is that we don't have to give in to it. Fear is a learned behavior it's not something we were born with. We weren't given fearful or timid spirits, he didn't put that in us – we were given something much stronger – the Spirit of God. This trumps everything – any fear that arises. And sometimes all it takes is the remembrance of this.

Here's a little story (I plan to dedicate a post to this experience very soon)...in the last post talked about how I was asked to do an awesome and scary thing – becoming a mentor for a women's mental health group. I had so much fear, so much anxiety and so much worry that I had made myself a little sick. But I went through with it. When I got there, because I had been praying the entire time that I be kept calm and set at ease, it was given to me. I walked into the room where everyone was gathered and sat down. We did a little exercise to get to know everyone and that broke the ice. Everyone was so receptive that it did my heart good. I was under the impression that I would be fielding questions left and right about my life but that wasn't the case. This was a laid back group of women that were just like me, living with their illnesses and proving the stereotypes wrong.

They were all such strong personalities that it made me smile. We talked to each other as we sat around the table and shared our experiences with the things that have arisen out of the illnesses we bear. Some of those stories hit me directly in the heart because that's when I really realized that these women truly were on the same level I was. My anxiety ended, my worry decreased and my fear disappeared. I had to give the Lord thanks for that. I had to give him thanks for handling me with care and for placing me around people that understood. I stopped focusing on the position I was in and focused more on the fact that I was amongst my peers.

All of this happened in the first day. If he took care of us the way that he did on the first day, what will he do in the meetings to come? It truly was a healing thing to be there. I can't wait to see what else we talk about and what else happens.

But all of this made me think of something, in my therapy sessions I had to ask that we have some sort of closure before I left her for the week because we would talk about heavy subjects and then end it. And I asked the same for the women's group...hoping that we could have some sort of closure before leaving and it was granted on both occasions. I have to ask now....am I giving closure to these posts when I'm talking about heavy things or deeply emotional things? I hate to think that people are reading these and taking on my emotional state and not having closure. I'll be careful of this.

Here's something I want to leave with you. Fear gets empowered because we hide behind it rather than face it. It can affect any and every area of our lives and become a crippling thing. But if we'd just have the courage to stand up to it, to face it head on and rid ourselves of it how much better would we be and feel. It's true that the things that keep us from moving forward are based on fear. It's false evidence that only appears real but when you get right down to it, you'll say – what was I afraid of? If it's false evidence then it is a lie and if it's a lie that we are living under then that doesn't help us at all. We don't live in lies, we can't. But the truth is what keeps us free to live and do and be. Fear is just another link in the chain of bondage...and bondage is slavery and we don't want or need that. So I say to you – Face Everything And Rise. Face your fears no matter how small or big they may be and rise from under them.

There is so much good about this life that has been distorted by fear either in the people or situations we find ourselves in that I just hope that we can get through it without this type of burden. This is a sink or swim moment. You can either let fear take you under or let confidence keep you afloat so that you can swim away from your troubled waters.

I won't apologize for the bible lesson at the top...this is where my mind was when I began and wanted you to see this. I pray that He always remains the reason my healing is in effect at all times. I always want to give proof of what the Lord is doing in my life and this is one of the best ways to do so. So please don't feel as though I'm being a bully with my faith – I just want to share the reason I'm sane now and share some Jesus with you. It is my sincerest hope that we all find our healing and that it begins today.

May your spirits be strengthened and unwavering under your times of trial. May you always know your strength and feel it coursing through your veins in the same way your blood does, may it always be a part of you. And may the Lord touch you as he as touched me. May your lives be fruitful, your days be sweet and your hearts full of love.

As always I thank you for reading. :)

**Some seem to think that symptoms show up after your diagnosis by a doctor – like we're speaking it into existence when the truth is – many of us live with these things long before a doctor gives it a name. We know something is wrong and recognize it before the professional opinion comes. What we choose to do at this point is crucial to our mental health, if you have serious questions about your mental health please seek professional guidance or if there's anything I can help you with in the way of resources please don't hesitate to message me. Take care of your mind as you would your body. Don't suffer in silence.