11pm - Music and words are flowing through me like the rushing waters of a streams over mountain rock and solid earth. Poetry tickles my fingertips as abate the notion that these words have to be beautiful, but to me they are. My mind is switching on in the late hours of the evening and I have the desire to write. Let's see what comes of this session.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever lied to yourself about anything - a person, a situation or a circumstance? Did it help you to do so and if it did, did you have to keep up that false pretense to give yourself some sense of satisfaction or well-being?

I ask because I've done this. I've lied to myself and others to try to keep myself from being harmed, from being misused and from letting another person take advantage of me but I will say this - I like I missed out on some serious personal/self-growth by avoiding situations that would have otherwise taught me to navigate this life. I'm not saying run head long into your troubles but do assess the situation before going forward..... I just want you to think about this for a moment...the things that lies bring and what they do for us. What can we expect from lying or being lied to?

If we can't have honesty in the things we say, do and live with and in - then the point of conversation and interaction with others becomes moot. I could sit down, stand up, lay down and jump into all the lies I've been fed over the years and the lies I've fed people as well but there comes a time in a person's life when you don't want to have to work so hard at your relationships...so you choose to tell the truth because it's easier and it's freeing plus a healing thing to do and the right thing to do.

My soul has suffered from the things I believed that came out of other people's mouths. Not to say that I no longer believe in people, but I use my discernment to know who's on the up and up. All those times I had the option to lie to someone and decided not to, gave me peace. It's far harder to remember the things you make up than it is to remember the things that aren't. Life imprints on us that way. Living in truth is easy, living a lie is hard and taxing.

I'm not perfect, I don't claim to be - I don't preach that and I don't want that. But through my imperfections I see the areas that I need to work on, relationships I need to strengthen...even the ones I need to let go. So...sometimes with this illness I find myself wondering would it hurt if I just didn't acknowledge the illness and pretend as if I don't have it. Can I live a better life doing that? Would it hurt if I just cut people out of my life so that I don't have to explain what's going on with me? Can I get away with that?

The truth for me is - yes, it would hurt and no my life wouldn't be better neither would I get away with that. That's placing more stress on yourself than you need and self-inflicted stress is madness. Madness that is never ending is insanity. Each day something threatens to destroy us and lying to yourself is one of them. If you can't be truthful with yourself, how on earth are you going to be truthful with someone else?

It's like that game Hide and Seek - only you are hiding the person you are to allow others to seek a misrepresentation of you. Masks break, fall and crack every day. There's a deep rooted pain in that - but also a blessing because when you choose yourself, your health and your well-being over the madness - you are choosing your healing.

Lies advance you temporarily - truth will advance you for a lifetime.

So in that is my healing. Lying to myself and others won't help me in the long run and the best thing I can do is be honest about this illness and the person living with it. Soon I hope to be able to say, I don't live with Schizophrenia - Schizophrenia lives with me. I want to be the boogey man to the mental illness instead of the other way around. The thing that makes it say, I'm afraid of her I should leave. Wouldn't it be nice to be that tough, that strong and that powerful that nothing can touch you and life's woes dare not test you?

I love thinking that, that someday I'll have beat this thing, will have looked back on it and said - it wasn't that hard. But I know I won't be able to say that. Each moment is hard, each day brings something new to deal with and every second is a learning experience. I'm glad of it too. I get a little smarter, more knowledgeable and a little stronger with each episode.

I'm tougher than I was yesterday and smarter than I was 3 years ago. Going through life pretending nothing's wrong isn't going to fix what's happening but seeking the help needed and educating yourself can put you in such a better place. I am in a better place than I was just 6 months ago.

So I charge you - if you suffer from a mental illness to walk in your truth and believe that you can be better. Why? Because you can be.

I'm trying to date currently and the hardest thing for me right now is deciding what to disclose to the men I date. This one person in particular cracked half of a joke that I didn't find offensive but it made me wonder what he must think of people with mental illnesses. It lead to a conversation that left me ...well, it left me questioning myself and what others in the world must believe ...

First, the only way to cure ignorance is education. Second the only way to be free of assholes is to be one of them and third, I don't know how my dating experiences are going to fare if the men I meet are like this...cracking jokes about being crazy and asking strange questions. I have new friends - male and female that know how to communicate with me. They simply ask their questions and I answer. I may post some of those questions in one of these parts, just so you can get an idea of what people honestly want to know.

For now - I am single, I am honest and I am happy. I hope you are the same. (Not single but honest and happy :P )

Thanks for reading.