Me to Myself: You know, you've been doing pretty good lately. You haven't been spending money on frivolous things. Your daughter laughs at your jokes, even the lame ones. You haven't been upset, crazy or ridiculous with your feelings. Yeah...this is the best I've seen you in a while!

Myself to Me: Screw you! Don't you know a mask when you see one?! I'm just warming up for the splurge and purge.

Me to Myself: Splurge and purge???

Myself to Me: Yeah! I'm saving money to buy whatever the hell I want to buy all at once there by overdrawing my account and I'm gonna unload on any lucky person that dares to say something about it.

Me to Myself: But you don't have to do that. Look at how easy it is right now. Don't you like this?

Myself to Me: *Falls out on the floor dramatically and twitches from withdrawls of high emotional states, stress, brokenness, and broke-assed-ness*

Me to Myself: ....

Me to Myself: Smh

Me to Myself: Do you.

Myself to Me: *Twitches while reaching out for drama*

Drama: Hell to the No! I'm still not over the last pot of shit you stirred.

Myself to Me: *Lies still and cries silently at the thought of being too happy and rich*

Me to Myself, Drama: ....smh - This is why you don't have any friends.

~~~~

Just facing facts today. I apparently don't know how to relax when everything is going well. I am my own ruin as it were. I remember  @TheAlvarezChronicles posting a line from a book on Facebook and well... here look at the last line...

This.

Spectacular fashion! Complete with glitter and stars and fireworks!

Well...maybe I'm not gonna go all out and fuck shit up but I feel myself doing dumb shit like arguing when I don't have to and popping an attitude out of the blue. It is very much out of character for me. I don't just do that, not without a reason anyway. Damn it! Am I used to it? I've been cussing a lot more than I do too.

This promises to be a short post today. I'm compiling a list of topics to tackle tomorrow with my therapist and this is at the top of it. I need to get to the bottom of this – like tah-day!

Does anyone else find themselves aware of defeating their own purpose? Self-sabotage? Or just not happy that they are happy? You don't have to answer. But if you do and you have an answer with a solution....like now I just heard a faint voice say – "get out of my way". I'm gonna listen for two reasons... 1) I recognize that voice and though it was faint it was also spoken with authority 2) I can't be this stupid...

Sigh...

I have a lot to think about.

Laterz.