I remember that guy! He'd roll in and give us the letter for the day, a word and then roll out. I miss Sesame Street....the old one. The new one is nice but the old one holds memories. Memories of me and my sister playing school and us taking turns being the teacher but for some reason whenever she was the teacher I always had to write "I will not..." sentences and I was always in trouble. I even had to sit in the corner or at my spot at the table with my head down until she was satisfied. A total abuse of power. You think it ended when we were kids...hell no. As the younger sibling she has abused her rights as the good child too...she was supposed to learn from my mistakes but it seems she likes learning the hard way.

I suggest, she denies and says no thanks will find out on her own and then I have to listen to the complaints afterwards ...the "I should have..." is always inevitable. Hey we're adults now and as much as I want to make her stand in the corner for her transgressions against adulthood, I can't. We all learn at different speeds in different ways.

For instance, I learned the valuable lesson of common sense and keep learning it through my many failures. Recently, around Christmas (the day after) I fell ill. It was not pleasant but the thing that brought it about was sheer stupidity on my part. I decided to leave the house on a cold day right after I'd had a shower. I was in a rush and was still a bit damp...pores open and all and I noticed that I had started to develop a cough and became hoarse. It wasn't until I nearly coughed up a lung that I realized my error. Silly me thought it was from smoking. That could have had a part in it too as I stopped smoking when I got sick to help my lungs heal (from bronchitis) and noticed that the coughs were way worse than a smoker's cough. I would become winded from doing so and then feel the onset of dizziness thereafter.

So for three weeks I was smoke free. I breached that nice run today with a cigarette from my cousin. It was terrible. I really shouldn't have but I had been wanting one sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo bad! I dreamt of smoking and enjoying it. The reality was that today – that hint of a cough returned and that dizzy feeling kicked my ass. So I still need to quit or at least let my lungs heal thoroughly. I really want to quit.

It is said that no one who smokes likes smoking.

We do it because of stress, addiction, peer pressure, boredom, friendlessness or/ and the most unique excuse I have ever heard is that we have to have something in our mouths and something to do with our hands.

I crochet and eat chocolate....haven't lately but that takes care of that.

So why do we do it?

I think with me in the beginning it was because I was trying to impress a member of the opposite sex. Now cigarettes weren't the first thing I smoked. As a matter of fact, I didn't start with cigarettes until about two years ago. When I decided to smoke I jumped in head first with cigars. Real cigars...gourmet ones, smuggled ones, hand wrapped in the Philippines, Brazil, Cuba and other foreign places...the ones that make you hack up your entire existence if you inhale too deep. Those!

So...there was a guy I met when I worked at the Lambert International Airport a million years ago. It was a time of ease. I could go to the airport on my off days with my friends and eat at the restaurants inside, hang out in the arcade that was there and harass other co-workers. A time long before the TSA and beefed up security restrictions that we have now. Now, if you aren't flying in or out, working there or picking someone up, you can't be there. A million years ago, when TWA was a thing I could just go hang out to see what celebrities showed up...and I did. I have a few autographs of notable people...all of whom are either dead or past their prime. They were awesome at the time.

So while the dinosaurs roamed the tarmac with the even more ancient aircraft of that era – I was busy flirting with a co-worker on my day off. I managed to snag a date with him and proceeded to probe him about his likes and dislikes. Smoking and drinking came up. I decided I was going to impress this young man with skills I did not have.

A fresh 21 years old, I went to the only humidor I knew in Union Station, in downtown St. Louis and purchased three cigars. The peach flavored one nearly took my life that day. I coughed so hard. Everything on the inside of my body burned and I swear I lit up a light red as I was about to explode from inhaling too vigorously. I knew the mechanics of smoking...inhale – exhale repeat. But the technique is what nearly killed me.

After that fiasco, I decided to start smaller – cigarillos. Smaller cigars with tips on them. These were much easier. You get 5 to a box and if you are smart, you don't smoke one all in one sitting. You save some for later. Ty was not smart. I'd smoke a whole one in one sitting and then later on another which was just too much on my lungs. Through trial and error I learned to pace myself. I broke up my smoke sessions with another new habit...drinking. I did the same thing with alcohol as well – jumped in head first.

No kiddie stuff for this gal... no no, I was gonna do what I thought adults did. I forewent the beer and Boones Farm and headed straight for the hard liquor. First there was vodka, then there was tequila (which I refuse to drink in large groups) and then there was brandy. And I have to say that dark liquors were and still are my favs. I learned moderation by drinking with friends at their apartments because drinking at home was just too much for my mom to take lol.

Date night came and I was a woman with experience! I knew how to drink and smoke with the best of them. Well maybe not with the best ...I could barely hold my own but I did not vomit – not once. Now I should mention that it took us about two months to go on a first date. Our schedules kept us busy, I had my son to care for and I just wanted to take the time to get to know the guy. That left me with two months to become a hardened drunkard of a woman with a love of tobacco.

All was going well. We parked just outside of the airport grounds on an old service road to watch the planes come in that night. It was awesome. The lights, the stars, the planes...and the people watching. Others had the same idea only they came to make out...we were there for the entertainment. I was not comfortable with making out with someone I barely knew, instead we just watched people and planes.

He lit up.

Me, being the "professional" smoker that I was noticed something different about his tobacco product. I stood and watched as he lit his cigar. It had been hand rolled but not like the one I tried to smoke beforehand. It was a bit thin even to be a cigarillo and it was pungent. And that was before he lit up. He put a flame to the end of that thing and all I could do was stare at him in awe.

Smokers do smoker things with the things they smoke.

This inhaled like six times in a row and then released the smoke from his nostrils and with the remaining smoke – blew smoke rings into the night air.

I stood still with my Cream Black and Mild plastic tip tobacco product and watched ALL of this. Equal parts of me were amazed, shocked, mad and just plain in awe at the man standing before me. He clearly was a professional. The longer I stood there ogling him, the stronger the smell grew to my "virgin" nostrils.

It is important that I mention that wasn't my first encounter with the funny smelling tobacco. I tried it in high school and never picked it up again – but that stuff right there ...that he was smoking on that night...was some sort of hybrid onion and skunk that he was filling his lungs with. I moved back and went to work on my Black and Mild with my fancy Zippo lighter. I was trying to be cool after all...cool kids have Zippo lighters. I had a Zippo lighter with an eagle and an American flag etched on it. Cool right?? I know!

Twenty – one year old me was not about to be outdone by the guy with the lung capacity of a Buick. I too had been practiced in the art of the tobacco usage. I lit up my cigar and inhaled. The first hit was good – no coughing or watery eyes. I exhaled coolly...while leaning against the side of his Camaro. The second drag I took was longer and that's when I got the bright idea to attempt the Triple Lindy of the Smokers Realm. (Note: The Triple Lindy is a swimming routine that was performed by Thornton Melon in a movie called Back to School with Rodney Dangerfield and that kid from Christine....and the bully from the original Karate Kid starring Ralph Macchio not the one with Will Smith's demon seed. You know...the tall blonde guy with the feathered Trump hair. It was the routine to end all routines!) Watch the movie!

No no....I was not going to be outdone. I was gonna blow that smoke out of my ears if I had to, just to prove I could hang. I prepared for the Triple Lindy....I was going to release the smoke from my mouth then inhale it through my nostrils continuously and then kick the rest out in bigger smoke rings. It was going to be awesome. It is important to note also – that I hadn't practiced any of that at home. Nope, I was going by the sheer power of will, physics, magic and luck.

I took the drag deep into my lungs and parted my lips a bit so the smoke would be controlled coming from my mouth and then I inhaled in a slow steady fashion. I was doing alright...I saw him smile at me and then ....well, I got cocky. I inhaled a little faster and prepared to execute the smoke rings. Only, something caught in my throat – the smoke went down wrong...the smoke in my nose was moving fast enough or something and I took the biggest cough I had ever taken while smoking.

I doubled over trying to move fresh air to my lungs, tears stung my eyes as I put my hand up in an effort to try to redeem all the cool points that were pouring from my body in buckets. If you have ever played Sonic the Hedgehog's video game...all those gold rings you lose when you get hit just fall off of you....yeah that was me. I lost air, I lost strength, I lost cool points and I lost dignity.

I was on the ground trying not to vomit the night's dinner and all the guy could do was stand there and say, "You alright?" "Breathe." Like saying it is gonna make it happen for me – like my lungs respond to commands given by others. "Breathe!" "Okay, since you are the one saying it – we will."

Dude....

When I finally recovered I looked a whole hot mess. There were tears streaming down my cheeks...sweat from the heat of the night and the taxation on my body, snot glistening around my nose and mucus strands hanging from my mouth.

I wanted to ask, "Am I still pretty? Am I still cool?"

Worlds shortest answer – NO.

The cool girl was not still pretty, she was dirty with stuff coming outta everywhere not to mention that I did pee myself just a little bit from the heavy coughing. But I refused to say anything...how much more of a child he would have thought of me. Cool girl was not cool.

Twenty – one year old me learned something that day while I sat in my damp pants on his leather bucket seats pondering life. I learned that I just needed to stop being so damned competitive ...cause that was the problem right? LOL ahhh...really that's what I thought then. If I hadn't have been trying to one up this guy, everything would have been alright and I wouldn't have to cry in the shower that night.

See...the obvious escaped me. If I had just been myself, known my limits and not worried about impressing this guy – I would have been alright. But hindsight is a mother...

Smoke'em if you got'em.

I had'em...plenty of'em but I wasn't gonna smoke'em. I needed time to rest and gather myself while I sat in the car. Sympathy and compassion was not lost on my date...he offered me a hit of his funny smelling tobacco...you know, to take the pain away, correct my vision and make me feel better. Ty declined.

I went a week without talking to that guy and without smoking. I was done for life – I was done! People would offer and I'd say – Nope, drug free is the way to be! The 90's taught me that. They were good for something. For a week, I went on a campaign about the evils of smoking and my experiences with it. No more tobacco. No more slavery to the big companies. No more inhalers. No more...indignifying(??) acts upon my person. Down with dope, up with hope!

And then I went to work. Pulled a double shift that left me in the airport overnight. A flight had been cancelled due to inclement weather – storms were rolling through, bad ones. And the airport was a complete and total mess.

For some reason, when people fly they blame the security checkers and baggage handlers for their cancelled flights. Not the act of God swirling around the airport moving airplanes across the tarmac. No...it was all our fault because if we had just let them through, they could get on the plane and be out before the storm. Only...that's not how it works. You'd just be scared on a plane or stuck at the gate hunkering down because Armageddon wants a flight out too.

It was the worst 16 hours of my life.

Passengers cursing, threatening, screaming things. Losing people and things. Needing people and things. By the end of the first shift I was on edge and grinding my teeth. My attitude was poor, I was tired and my feet hurt. I needed gum to stop grinding my teeth so at the first sight of a break – ran for it. I went and spent a ridiculous amount of money on airport gum. Gas station gum which was across the street was much cheaper but I couldn't get to gas station gum – I had airport gum which pissed me off even more. Why was everything so damned expensive in airports?! It's insane!

Anyway – the second shift rolled through and I was not a happy camper. Things calmed down yeah but when the flights were back on – we had hell to pay. You'd have thought people would have kinder, nicer because the threat of God's wrath had passed over – no.

People are people, some nice and some not so nice and some are just plain arses!

I took a break two hours before it was time for me to leave. I walked by the smoker's section...plexiglass enclosure they had built to accommodate the smokers and I stood there....weighing my options. Buy airport cigarettes or gas station cigarillos. I decided the gas station was the best bet. I made it home at that afternoon, sat on my porch in my uniform and smoked to my heart's content.

My mother asked me how my shift was and all I could do was make a noise. A - I could've killed everyone and everything noise, an "are you serious?" noise, a there are no words noise.

She asked if I had to work the rest of the week. I laughed a sarcastic laugh. It meant they won't see me until I'm ready for them to see me. Mom picked up on that.

After my time spent with the tobacco product of choice – I slept the sleep of angels and good little babies. I slept all day. I only woke to go to the bathroom and then there was more sleep. When I woke up it was night...kinda late and I smoked again without having food. I didn't want food – I just wanted cigar. I got a nice ear full about that.

"You need to eat!" "You smoke too much." "I thought you quit."

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I thought so too.

So to answer that question ...what makes us smoke? Dude...I don't know. Stupidity and a death wish???

Lack of proper respect for one's body and good common sense??? It's different for everyone. There are actually people that enjoy smoking. There are people that enjoy alcohol. I'm one of them but I recognize that it isn't good for me. Therein lies the struggle.

Maan....what even is life?

In stressful situations – it is my fall back. I can think clearer or so this is the lie I tell myself. The act of removing myself to be outdoors to smoke actually helps me think clearer not the smoking itself.

Hey, we work with what we got, do good with what we have and all while trying to reinvent the wheel.

Meaning: We are all just people trying to live our piece of life to the best of our ability without stepping on too many toes. Redefining your life is completely up to you – so as you change yourself, you inadvertently change the world. Butterfly effect and all that.

So...this is me. Imperfect and thank goodness – I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I were too cool. Youth teaches us many things, I'm still learning. Though I'm not as young, I still make my fair share and more of mistakes. Such is life. Take it with a grain of salt and a splash of lemon.

I'm shocked at the outpouring of my thoughts tonight. This was madness lol. I hope it's entertaining though. I laughed remembering my failures. Hey, it's got to be of use to somebody.

I leave you now with a smile and a blessing.

Bless you who have warred with your personal demons and won, you who have resolved conflict within yourself and have come out whole and you who has just been shown the threshold of the rest of your life...for yours is the love and peace of Heaven.

Have a goodnight everyone!

And thank you for reading!