Dear Me,

Be careful of the trips you take down memory lane, for the past is nothing more than a haunting ground with a ghost that is looking for a way to pull you back into a place you've long outgrown. We've carried the weight of our labors and pains, our misdeeds and mistakes like soldiers and have laid them down in their resting places accordingly, never to be taken up again...yet, we try to all the time and that is called trauma. Trauma calls from the past and repeats itself in our minds to grab our attention and to keep us in a loop of discontent and hurt. Breaking free of trauma is a hard business but reliving it seems just as easy as taking two steps backward. It's a hard thing and the danger that comes with it is believing that we can somehow fix the past so that we can have a smoother future. We think normal lives back there somewhere but it doesn't. We think the answers are back there too – but what lies there is nothing more than the life you lived up to the point you are today. As much as I hate to use this word...content...you really have to be content with your life at present because there is nothing we can do about the past except learn from it and move on.

Me, I know now that I won't ever go back to the way I was. There is no way that I can. I've come a long way and have suffered many a setback but with each push backwards the person I am has gained in experience and that is something that should be noted. The thought of trying to fit myself into the mold of the past makes me uncomfortable. I don't belong there, I belong here – where there is room to make mistakes, where there is a path set before me and where there is room to breathe.

We have been walking backwards into the future for fear that we've missed something or that somehow something new will emerge from the past. I know they say that nothing is set in stone...but it ever a thing was set in stone, it would be those things that you left behind, those things you've lived through and the experiences you picked up along the way. There is no time machine that will take us back to right the wrongs that have happened to us or that will affect the future once we've tried. I wish there were. There are a lot of mistakes I made along the way in my life. There are a lot of people I should have avoided but didn't, a lot of things that happened that I wish had never had the chance to infiltrate our minds, bodies and spirits – but they did and now we know better.

I'm writing to tell you, to just hold on. Look to the future – it's bright there, it's waiting for you and there are many positive things and people there all looking for the opportunity to happen to you. There is nothing you need in the past – nothing that can be of any more use than it has been. Looking back won't take you forward. So turn around....redirect yourself, reset your priorities and remember – your feet face forward for a reason.

If you need any more proof of where your mind needs to be – consider this. We grow up not down. Our potential is increased with the new things we encounter and it is called progress. Keep these things with you, Me.

Love always, even when you don't think you deserve it –

Me.

While I was away (I was sick with flu and still fighting bronchitis ...and down with depression), my mind and I were at war. My peace had been compromised because of a trip I decided to take down memory lane. It wasn't a pleasant trip either. What began as me perusing through my memories for happier times became a fight to be released from the negativity of the past. I've wondered about the number of times that I've done this to myself and feel as though I might be the problem....but this is what effects of depression are. Guilt. There is always guilt.

There I was picking apart my past life and wondering how to make things better when there really is no way that I can make it better. Living in the present makes it better – but for some reason those things that are obvious skip by me. I make things more complicated than they need to be and end up in "margaritaville" singing the blues.

I used to do this thing...whenever I found myself stepping back I would work through several different scenarios to make it better...after the fact. You know – whoever invented the shoulda, coulda, woulda scenario had no idea how much that would bother people like me. I hate hearing it and I hate repeating it to myself but I do it anyway. They are just guilt trips that play on your consciousness leaving you mentally obliterated and emotionally tired. But there it is. All it takes is something small like that to latch onto my depression and I'm sinking into the quicksand of despair. With the help of my therapist, who shed some light on my dark moments I was able to see things for what they really were. My vision and thinking became clearer. My emotions settled down to a calm and peace that I so desperately wanted and I was me. Something that I find whenever these things happen is that I experience a new normal, something that brings me back to self but has put me at a different place in my life. I don't feel as if I'm playing catch up within my life but am actively living again. And really...what is normal? Is it the thing that everyone else says it is or is it the thing that you feel is right for you?

So I've written a letter to myself to remind myself of what needs to be done. It helped in a strange and Twilight Zoney kind of way. I am in better spirits, my focus is not on the past and my mood has greatly improved. I'm not jumping for joy or anything – well at least not on the outside but I'm good.

I thank you guys for the well wishes and the messages, I enjoy talking with you! So I will get back to the updates because I am seriously behind. I've got so much to do but thank goodness I now have the strength to do it. This update is an incomplete thought and is one that I will continue in the next update. Much has happened that I would like to share as some of you may be experiencing the same things personally or with loved ones. So I will get on that. But for now – to keep this from being a gargantuan post I will end here and ...I must start dinner.

I hope you are all well, living and enjoying life and finding your smiles and laughter to be a healing force. My love to you and my prayers continually with you as well. (Yes...I do pray for you all...it's something I enjoy doing.)

Be well and thank you as always for reading.