Welcome to Babble-o-nia! Where I will talk for an hour about all the things that clutter my brain at the moment. LOL

It's almost 10 pm on a Monday night. Guess what...despite it being a moody Monday - it did not suck. Today is also Mental Health Monday, in which I visited my therapist and we got into some interesting stuff. Schizophrenia and schizoaffective aside - on serious happy notes - I am doing well. I made my therapist laugh! My jokes suck but she laughed anyway lol. Now part of me is like - did she laugh because that's the response I was looking for and it was some sort of psychological thing she did to make me feel good OR did she actually find what I said funny?? I don't know but it did me good to hear her laugh instead of being so serious all the time. She called me her sister today - my sister in Christ always but sister in life, someone I can depend on. Amazing the relationships we build. I ask her for advice on both a professional and non-professional level. I need that sisterly advice when my real sister isn't able to provide an answer due to her level of experience in life. It was a wonderful session.

We got into all manner of things today and I was just talking her ear off about some stuff as well as getting to the root of a long-standing problem that I have been experiencing. Something with the schizoaffective where I feel my thoughts deeply. Like if I'm thinking negative, I feel that negativity deep within. If I'm thinking happy thoughts, I feel that pouring out of me so forth and so on. Also with the schizophrenia - just trying to discern my thoughts and reality. Because of the schizoaffective and the way it manifests in me with the way my thoughts and emotions are I have a hard time discerning what's actually my thoughts and the phantoms of schizophrenia.

I'll give you an example: I'll do something stupid, like I do every day and have done for the last 39 years of my life (I was perfect at the age of 25), and will think "Well that was smart" and hear directly after that something like "You keep doing it because you haven't learned" ...Now that seems harmless because it sounds like I'm just reprimanding myself but - it feels like a phantom thought. One independent of me. Not necessarily a voice - those are a loud and clear. There are times when they are mumbled and that depends on what's going on with me but I feel as if the voices, that I haven't heard in quite some time, are different from the errant thoughts that I have.

Sometimes those thoughts aren't all that great. Sometimes they are demeaning and derogatory even depressing. And I have to contend with the feelings behind them which is hard to do. I could be in a perfectly good mood like I am today but my thoughts could be all screwed up. They come like racing thoughts - they don't linger for very long but for the time it spends in my head - it has already done its damage. I second guess myself or if I'm in the middle of a conversation when that happens, I fall silent. It even causes me to have to read off facts to myself just to keep my head on straight.

Most of the facts that I have to read off to myself are about my spiritual and emotional well-being because it feels like an assault on those things in particular. It frightens me because there are times when my thoughts are directed toward God but the wrong things come out of me. Like swearing when I get frustrated. And I immediately hate myself for it.

Though I am reassured that the mental illnesses are largely to blame for these things, I have to be accountable for some of the things that happen. They are after all my thoughts. And even on that front, on a spiritual level - I'm told that it's the adversary doing what he does which is causing strife and confusion ...leaving me in a state of contempt. Which undoes every good feeling I have. It's not pretty. It's hard to deal with and I'm not entirely sure I'm making sense right now because I am experiencing it at this moment.

The running thought in my mind is that - I'm explaining it all wrong, nobody is going to understand this. The feeling is one of frustration. And I want to abandon this post to go smoke and clear my head but that won't really help. So I fight through it - try to reclaim my thoughts and emotions as my own and get on with it. 

So we discussed all of the above plus some and I received some awesome advice. Ways to calm myself when it happens, skills to use to gain clarity of my thoughts and a reiteration on a way to pray when I feel it is too hard to do so. I'm good at writing so...writing down my prayers helps. 

We discussed the fast that my church will be doing in March, all 31 days and what it will entail. I was so excited to share it with her  - I was rattling things off and had to look to my notes that I took in church to get it all out. It won't be like a regular fast. 

For the 1st 10 days - we won't be eating any sweets, sugar or breads. We will not be drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes (for those of us that imbibe or smoke) and we will be praying for 2 hours a day. There will be no meal deprivation where we would go for hours during the day without food - no none of that. Some will be doing that but I won't be.  And we have been asked to give up something like a personal vice or work through something that is hard for us during the entirety of the fast. My thing is bottling emotion - it's unhealthy.

For the 2nd 10 days - We'll have two regular meals a day and one with no meat. Prayer will also be for 3 hours a day, broken down in whatever increments we choose.

For the last 11 days - we will not be eating any meat at all but we get to eat fish (anything in the ocean) and prayer will still be 3 hours a day with meditation and journaling throughout. 

This fast is designed to get us healthy and to bring us closer to God and make us more spiritually aware of His presence in our lives. I'm looking forward to it. I know it's a big undertaking but it's something I need in my life at the moment. I believe that this will not only help solve some health issues like having high blood pressure but will also - strengthen me mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It's not designed for perfection. We will have some issues with this. I know my biggest problem is the cigarettes. I know I will fail some days and be victorious others - that's just how these things go. I'm not looking to win the fasting challenge but what I am doing and looking to do is to get closer to my God and get healthy while doing it.

I was reminded that the body is a temple of the Lord. He inhabits us so ...do I want him living in a messed ransacked, smoke-filled shack or a mansion? Though arguably, I may be as big as a mansion - I am not one. Don't think I ever will be but you get the analogy I hope. Nice dwelling (new hotness) vs. current dwelling (old busted joint)....yeah I stole a quip from a movie to explain. I like the Men In Black movies and I'm sure somewhere down the line - waaaaaay down the line, I'm related to Will Smith. LOL  Man, I hope not - that would destroy the fantasy.

Anyway - as per the usual, I feel better. My mind is focused on something and the racing thought phantoms have fled my brain. Yay! It has taken me a cool hour to pen this thing so I'm going to end here. 

I wish you all well 

I wish you all peace

I wish you all love

and a wisdom that will never cease.

Lord, be a blessing to every eye that reads this, to every heart that needs it and to every ear that hears this repeated. Lord, be a fence for those feeling the sting of the enemies arrows, for those who feel they are under attack and for those battling foes and forces known and unknown....and Lord, be a tower that we may take shelter in, a refuge that we may find safety in your presence and a banner that flies over our hearts to let any and all know who we belong to. Your grace is sufficient enough for us Lord. Thank you for all that you do.  In Jesus, Name Amen