you'd never know she was hurting

pushing her feelings aside

and faking it

so they make it

their reality

she's not hurting

not visibly.

but mentally?

she's being torn apart.

I weigh the envelope in one hand, afraid to open it. After what he knows, after what he's seen, how can he still walk by my side? 

Gently, I slide my finger under the closed flap, a part of me hoping the paper cuts my skin and brings me back to reality. My finger stays healed, though, and I take the piece of paper out. Taking a deep breath, I begin to read.

I wish you could understand how important you are. I wish you saw yourself the same way I do, because you're so much more than what you think. There's so much about you that there is to love, and I want to know everything there is to know.

You told me once that you feel like a constant burden. You said that you always feel like you're weighing on everyone, and you wonder if people would be better off without you.

Your pain would disappear, that's true. But it would be unbelievable, the amount of pain that would be passed onto others. We would've never met.

I would've never gotten to know you. Never gotten to know the way you smile when you're embarrassed. Never gotten to see the way your face lights up when you make someone laugh. Never gotten to witness how cute you look in my clothes, even though I'm not that tall. Never gotten to see you throw your hands up in the air when we go for our insomnia drives.

I know some days, it feels like it'll never get better. And some days, the emotional numbness feels unreal, as if you're living a lie or a dream. I can't say that it's okay, because it's not. I won't even promise that it gets better, because that's a promise I know I can't control. There is something I can control, though.

I'll always be here. I'll always give you my hoodie when you're self-conscious. I'll always hold your hand in public and shield you from judgment. I may not be able to understand you're going through all of the time, but I will always be by your side.

I see you, and your strength. I know who you are. You're not a burden or a mistake. You're not a weight, and you're not paper. You're you. You're the person I love with all of my heart. You're the only person I know who gives money to homeless people. You're the reason I smile every day.

Changbin

(did i write this for my readers as well? yes. yes I did. let me go on a rant real quick.)

as someone who struggles with anxiety, I found it really hard as a child to make friends. even now, it's a constant fight to be social and talk to people. it's hard to talk in class, meetings, and family gatherings. for the longest time, i really felt alone. 

each poem above the chapters, i wrote when i was in my darkest place. as of right now, I'm recovering, but it's a daily struggle. it's not something that i can control all of the time. 

you? you're not alone. you have stray kids. you have stay. you have me. you'll always have me. our individual journeys are ones we have to do alone, but we don't have to be lonely. we don't have to suffer by ourselves.

i like to think bts started me on my journey to loving myself, and stray kids are seeing it through. I've grown so much because of the positivity from kpop and the communities. i want to make sure everyone else feels as supported as i do/did. 

changbin's letter above, i mean every word. you're so fucking important it's unreal, and you cannot disagree. y'all are the reason why i smile everyday as well, and i mean it. <3