"You only live once."

but now I'm feeling like I'm not alive

"Sleep when you're dead."

but I sleep all the time now

afraid of the reality

with my eyes open.

My mom told me once to ignore everyone. She said that if I pretended that they weren't there, they wouldn't bother me. That would make sense, if I was twelve. But as hard as I try, I can't ignore the way people stare at me. 

I scratch at my arms, berating myself for not wearing a jacket earlier. The scars are faint, but visible. I hate myself for being so self-conscious, but it feels like their stares are burning into my back.

My hands become faster as I cross them over my chest. I can't help it; the anxiety's too much. Why does it feel like everyone's staring at me?

I feel a tap on my shoulder and I whirl around, wincing internally at how jumpy I am. A guy from one of my classes is standing in front of me, nervously shifting his weight. When he makes eye contact with me, he smiles a little and waves awkwardly.

"Hey," he says. "You want to walk with me?" He gets quieter as he talks, rubbing the back of his neck self-consciously. I nod, apprehensive. What does he want?

As he walks alongside me, I try not to look over at him too many times. There's an awkward silence between us, one that I'm not sure how to break.

"Um," he says, laughter evident in his voice. I can't tell if he's laughing at me or at how uncomfortable this situation is. "So, I'm Changbin. But you can call me yours?"

I stop in the middle of the hallway, gaping at him. What? I cough once, forgetting to cover my arms as I stare at Changbin in disbelief. That was . . . smooth?

He stops and turns back to look at me. He laughs a little, his ears getting red. "Too soon?" Changbin asks, looking down at the floor, then back up at me. "Yeah, I figured."

Surprising both him and me, I laugh and shake my head, smiling at him.

"No, it was-" I pause, searching for the right words so he doesn't feel too embarrassed. "It was really, um," I stop again, tilting my head as I think. Shrugging, I look at him hopelessly. Changbin laughs again, giving me a smile.

"I got you to laugh," he says, putting his hands in his pockets. "So it counted for something." I smile at him, the action coming easier than I thought it would. There's something about him that brings comfort to me.

A group of girls passes us, deep in conversation. One of them looks me up and down before turning back to her friends and laughing. Swallowing hard, I squeeze my arms back to my chest, my smile fading. They saw my scars, didn't they?

Rubbing my arms anxiously, I don't notice Changbin looking down at them. His eyebrows bunch together and he takes a step closer before putting his bag on the floor next to us. He gently brushes my shoulder, barely touching me at all. Guiding me closer to the lockers lining the hallway, he slips off his hoodie.

Changbin silently hands me his hoodie, his eyes betraying how worried he is. I put it on over my tshirt, pulling the sleeves down past my wrists. I sigh, rubbing my hands down my face. Closing my eyes, I can smell the remnants of Changbin's perfume.

"Thank you," I murmur, opening my eyes and forcing a smile. I know it looks dull, but I can't muster anything more than this. Changbin smiles back, his worry still obvious.

"I'll always have your back."