It was a rare, calm night, after a long, tiring day. The sky was clear, and the moon was big and comforting. The stars seem to shine brighter, lately, Astarion thought, as he lowered his gaze to look at the big wolf getting chased by Scratch around the camp. The big wolf, his druid boyfriend. He allowed a soft smile to form on his lips, knowing that the other companions were busy, except for Karlach, who was watching the wolf and the dog play with a delighted expression. Her presence next to him definitely wasn’t the reason why he felt so warm inside, despite his condition. No, that warmth in his chest and the exceptional brightness of the stars those nights were caused by his blooming feelings for Kieran, who had just sat next to him, panting, still in wolf form.

“Are you done playing for tonight, darling?” he asked, stretching his hand out to pet the wolf’s fluffy head. Kieran replied with a sweet canine smile, wagging their tail.

Sweet. Yes. Kieran was, indeed, quite sweet. And not just that; they were many things. Brave, for instance, always ready to face any danger on their path, and fierce in battle, and strong, and attractive, and compassionate, smart, sensitive, loyal, caring, good. Astarion hated how much of a good person they were, it was almost nauseating, at least when they first met. He knew people had taken advantage of their goodness their entire life, Kieran had told him about it with a pained smile on their pretty face, and yet the druid never really strayed from being good, from the desire to do good, to help people, even when they didn’t deserve it. That didn’t mean, though, that being used like that didn’t leave any emotional scars on their soft soul, and that was what made them strong. He hated and loved that at the same time. He loved Kieran, as reluctant as he was to admit it, even to himself. He’d never expected that, in the process of getting the druid to fall for him and win their protection, he would catch feelings for them, but there he was, in love with someone so infuriatingly good at heart.

He wasn’t the only one, of course, who felt something for the redhead. Kieran was so lovable and loving, they’d been with Karlach, and Wyll, and even Lae’zel couldn’t resist them, and he saw the way Shadowheart looked at them; Halsin, too, had let them know that they could drop by his tent anytime, and not just to talk about the Oak Father and other druid things. Nevertheless, Kieran longed for him. Astarion. The kind-hearted hero wanted to give their love to him, who was no hero and definitely not much of a good person. The fact that he refused to share them with anybody else, someone good like them, was certainly proof of his selfishness.

He petted the wolf some more, then wished Karlach good night and got up to go to his tent, followed by the wolf. They snuggled up together in Astarion’s bedroll.

“Could you stay like this, tonight?” asked Astarion. Kieran answered by wagging their tail.

It was much easier to be alone with his thoughts at night without seeing that sweet face in the dark. Even in the dark their goodness made them glow, a light as painful as the sun before the tadpole. But could he really live without light again?

“Dream sweet of me” he whispered, gently scratching the wolf between the ears. Kieran licked his cheek. Soon enough, they were softly snoring.

Astarion sighed. At first, he had thought they only desired his body, they were infatuated with that handsome face (he didn’t need to see his reflection to know that, because nothing could change his beauty… right?), just like his victims; but Kieran had shown him that they genuinely loved him for him, handsome face and nice body and perfect hair and scars and selfishness and dark past and being a vampire and- they loved everything about him, good and bad. They believed in his goodness, although he doubted there was any left in him, after everything Cazador had put him through.

He kept going back to that first night with the druid, after the party, how they went straight to his tent instead of spending the night with Karlach, or Lae’zel, or Halsin, and how they kept coming back, how they kept choosing him over everybody else. Kieran was pretty messed up, too, to love someone like him, even after knowing Astarion’s plan to seduce them so they would protect him. How did they manage to remain a sunbeam, since they were so messed up? That was a mystery. But it was only fair that two messed up people had ended up together. Maybe they deserved each other.

Maybe, he thought, cautiously, I could get used to this. To their love.

He pressed a kiss against his boyfriend’s head and buried his hands in their fur. Having Kieran sleep in his tent, whether in an animal form or in human form, made him feel safe. An unfamiliar feeling, but not an unpleasant one.

Yeah, I could really get used to this.

It was over. Cazador was dead. He had ascended. He was free. Free! He didn’t have to hide any longer. He didn’t have to live in fear anymore. He had power and everything he wanted – everything but one thing. The only thing that motivated him to find Cazador again and kill him: Kieran.

After Astarion had completed the ritual, he thought everything would be perfect: control, power, love, and no more fear. But Kieran had left him, saying that they thought they were more than a pet to Astarion. And they were so much more than a pet to him, they were the reason he finally felt alive after two hundred years. Weren’t they supposed to be aeterna amantes? And yet he couldn’t stop them from leaving.

He could live in the light again, forever, yet he preferred the darkness. There was no point in being in the light without his light. His sunbeam.

And suddenly, there they were. Kieran was there, right in front of him, in their human form. Astarion wanted to run to them, hug them, kiss every single one of their freckles, greet them with “hello, my sweet”. Instead, he waited for them to say something.

“Astarion” they said. Their eyes were filled with sadness. “It’s been a while.”

“Yeah” he agreed. I miss you, he wanted to say. “What brings you here?”

Kieran opened their mouth to say something, then changed their mind and closed it again, only to clear their throat and finally speak.

“I wanted to talk.”

“Talk” Astarion smirked. “What about? Regretting your decision?”

The druid tortured their bottom lip with their teeth for a moment.

“I don’t regret it, seeing how you are now. Who you are” they replied, locking eyes with their former lover.

“I’ve always been like this. This is who I’ve always been. And you knew it.”

Kieran shook their head, red hair gently falling on their face.

“You’re not the person I knew. You’re not the man I fell in love with anymore” they said, calmly wiping away a solitary tear that rolled down their cheek. Astarion felt incredibly angry and incredibly sad at the same time.

“I don’t think he ever existed” he retorted, flatly. “You just wanted to see something that wasn’t there.”

The hero of Baldur’s Gate looked extremely dejected.

“I guess you’re right. I never learn my lesson, uh? I’m sorry.”

Astarion looked away, uncomfortable.

“I still think that hiding somewhere behind this image you’ve created for yourself there’s the Astarion I love” Kieran added, slowly. “I love you. I cannot be with you, but I do love you. And I’m yours ‘til the earth starts to crumble.”

The vampire laughed bitterly, choking on tears that he refused to cry.

“We’re scar-crossed lovers, forever” he said. “These scars we bear will always keep us apart, no matter how used to them we get.”

Kieran took one step closer. Astarion did too. Their lips met one last time. Their faces were wet.

“I thought you believed in having control over your life” whispered the druid, but they didn’t mean it. They knew their relationship was doomed.

“I thought you believed anything can be healed or fixed” whispered back Astarion, and he found himself meaning it. 

“What happened to ‘scar-crossed lovers, forever’?”

“What happened to aeterna amantes?” Astarion smiled weakly, gently wiping away Kieran’s tears. “I’m struggling to exist with you… and without you, darling.”

It was the redhead’s time to laugh with desperation and a tiny bit of hope.

“Is this our fate? A relationship that will never work, but a love that will always bring us back to one another?” they asked, looking for Astarion’s eyes. In the darkness of the place, they glowed with love… and a tiny bit of hope.

“Oh, my sweet.”

They embraced each other, feeling finally safe and at home again, as the dawn of a new day brought a few soft rays of sun onto them.