O L I V I A   V A L E Z

There were many things that could make a person's mind stop. Like,  an accident or something breathtaking, it could also be a complicated question that one's mind could not comprehend. I have aced complex recitation from my professors in college. I had solved problems in our company even when I lacked experience in the field. It was all a piece of cake. But in my twenty-two years living on the earth as an achiever, I never thought that one fucking simple question would stop my mind from working properly. 

Now, this was a piece of bullshit.

With Atlas's gravelly and husky voice that seemed to vibrate through the air to my body, he asked, "Yes, Baby girl?" his eyes glinted with mischief like the god of mischief himself was looking at me.

I was a straight-A student, and I know for the fact that I was an intelligent person, but my mind went blank by that fucking simple question. I forgot the thing I wanted to say. How should I answer it? What should I say? Why should I answer him? Words started rumbling inside my head. 

I looked at him with my dumbstruck face as I tried finding the right words to say. Was there even a right word? Was there even a word to answer that? Really? Dahil lang sa baby girl hindi na gumana ang utak ko. Now, I doubt if I was really an intelligent person. 

"Uhm," I gulped as I still looked at him.

Atlas tilted his head and combed his hair upward. His piercing heavenly blue eyes looked like the whole galaxy in the night. You could drown, fall, and even get lost by just staring at it. Parang katulad lang ngayon, hirap na hirap na nga akong maghanap ng isasagot sa tanong niya, tapos tinitigan ko pa ang mga matang 'to, double kill talaga. Mas lalo yata akong na tanga. 

"Come on, Baby girl, tell me..." he walked towards me with his dangerous playfulness, "Why did you call me?"

I opened my mouth again, but I still failed to say a single word. Instead of answering him, I tasted his fresh breath mixed with a cigar. He saw how my eyes dilated to his lips, and his jaw clenched. Atlas titled his chin a little, and like a little snake, hypnotized by the sound of the flute, I also tilted my chin following his lips.

"Stop looking at me like that, Baby girl. Don't try my patience now." his voice was laced with darkness.

"Kiss me," I said absent-mindedly as I stared at his lips.

Atlas stood frozen inches away from me. Now, It was my turn to look at him in the eyes with fire in my dark eyes.

"I called you because I want you to kiss me..." I took a step forward, leaving almost nothing between us. His breath hit my face making me want to taste it more. "So, kiss me, Atlas. Kiss me like we were the last living person on this planet. Kiss me like there was no tomorrow."

His warm hand found my cheek and caressed it as he traced my jaw. "I'm going to kiss you like we have days, Baby girl. I don't like the idea of us not having a tomorrow."

Before I could even respond to what he said, I already felt his lips crushing to mine. Atlas lips consumed me, quick and hard, like if I were being burned alive. I couldn't kiss him back with his fast pace. I let his tongue delve into my mouth because I needed to feel everything about him. I felt the hard trunk of the tree behind me. My heartbeat increased, and I wrapped my right leg around his waist while closing my eyes and savoring the pleasure. I struggled to think but couldn't come up with anything. This one moment encompassed all of the years we'd lost touch. 

He moved past my arms, one hand snaking through my hair and the other grabbing my ass. He attacked my lips like he was famished, pulling my hips closer into his. He sucked on my lower lip before turning his attention to my jaw and neck in a flurry of hot, feverish kisses. I gasped with ecstasy as a swarm of butterflies took wing in my stomach.

Adjusting to the heat of his blazing kisses, when his lips found mine again, I kissed him back—giving back all the desire and heat he gave me. He stopped and looked at me with dark bewildered eyes, surprising me. 

"Did I do something wrong?" was my kisses bad?

"No, Baby, i-it just... I didn't expect your kiss would make me feel this intensity."

I blushed so hard that the night wind didn't bother me. His red and wet lips remained parted as he stared at me. His large hands slipped to my stomach, and when he put a little pressure there, I almost moaned. God, that simple gesture was so... so fucking hot in its own way.

"I guess my kisses were enough to make you stay?" I'd meant to say it with confidence, but the aftermath of his kiss was too strong that it came out as whispered.

I looked away because of embarrassment. Even with my eyes on the other unimportant things, I could feel the heat of his stare mauling me. Every nerve in my body was alerted at his proximity, and every little hair on my skin stood. Using the tip of his finger, he caught my chin and made me look at him again.

"You are enough to make me stay."

"Then why didn't you stay back then?" I said as I searched his eyes for an answer.

"You're too young back then. I didn't want to corrupt you. If me being close to you could make you kiss a man in his thirties, then I would choose to distance myself."

"And you did,"

"Because it was wrong in any angle. You are a minor. A teenager who needed guidance from an adult, not to be a lover of one."

I closed my eyes and let his words sink in. Atlas was right. 

"I-I'm sorry..." I said with all the sincerity I could voice out.

Kung hindi niya ako iniwan, siguro parehas kaming sira ngayon. Kung nag-video-han o na picture-an ang ginawa kong paghalik sa kaniya no'n, baka nawalan siya ng lisensya as an architect. Para ko nong ninakaw sa kaniya 'yung passion niya. Tapos ako, baka wala na akong mukhang maihaharap kay dad Masisira ko rin 'yung pangalang pinaghirapang itayo ni dad. Mas lalo kaming aayawin ni grandma at grandpa. Ngayon ko lang na realized na tama 'yung ginawa niyang pag-iwan sa akin.

"It's okay, Baby. What's important is today and the following days. We shouldn't dwell in the past too much, and there's a reason that all of those things happened in the past."

"Okay...

I was too desperate in the past. Siguro dahil siya ang first love ko that's why my young heart didn't know how to handle it. But now that I'm an adult already. I know I could take my feelings a lot better. I would handle it like a mature woman.

That was what I said, but when things got dark again. I couldn't help but blame my feelings for Atlas. Noong pinasok ang bahay namin at nabaril si Liberty... parang gumuho ang mundo ko. Lahat ng masasayang bagay na nabuo, ay unti-unting nilalamon ng kadiliman. My mind could think clearly. All I would think was Libtery's body on the cold floor bathing on her cold red blood. I was hesterical. 

I wanted to blame someone because of what happened, but blaming the culprit didn't satisfy my heart. I needed more. That was why I blamed the happy moments I had with Atlas for the past few days. Sabi kasi nila kapag daw puro masasayang bagay ang nangyari sa 'yo, ay ang kasunod naman ay kalungkutan. Para bang binabawi agad 'yung saya mo. 

"Not today, Sue." I instantly said when I heard the door of my office open.

Hindi ko inangat ang tingin ko sa mga papeles na aking trinatabaho. Natambak na ang iba dahil busy nga kami sa nangyaring aksidente. Napagdesisyunan din namin ni Dad na siya muna ang mag-aaalaga kay Liberty at ako ang bahala sa bank. The set up was fine for me. I was a hundred percent sure na kung ako ang mag-aalaga kay Liberty, ay hindi titigil ang utak ko sa mga worries na paminsan-minsan ay nagiging galit. Mas okay na siguro ito dahil 'pag busy ako sa work ay hindi ko naiisip ang mga nangyari. At natutuwa rin naman akong may care si Dad kay Liberty.

"Ilalapag ko na lang 'to," maingat niyang sabi.

Hindi ko na siya kinibo hangang marinig ko ang pagsara ng pintuan. Wala ako sa mood makipag-socialized ngayon. Mabuti na lang din at umuwi na ang iilan kong pinsan, dahil hindi ko talaga sila maaasikasong mabuti. Nang sumakit na ang aking likod katratrabaho, ay saka ko pa lamang naalala na may iniwan nga pala si Sue. 

Agad na kumalabog ang aking dibdib nang makitang isa 'yong paper bag ng pagkain. I slowly reached for it, and I saw a little yellow note on the container inside. Please, stop ignoring me and my messages. I miss you― Atlas. A smile instantly formed on my lips. Simula kasi nang mangyari ang aksidente ay hindi ko sinasagot ang mga text niya at tawag. 'Pagdadalaw naman siya ay pinapauwi ko siya aagd. I was feeling guilty for having a good time with him, while Liberty was on the hospital bed. And I didn't know why. All I know was that everytime I was happy, it was taken away immediately. Like, I was forbidden to be happy for too long.

Maiyak-iyak ako habang kinakain ang pagkaing ipinadala niya. I miss him badly. But this stupid guilt wouldn't go away. As I scooped another spoonful of food, ay bigla akong nagka-idea kung sino ang makatutulong sa akin sa ganitong situation. I quickly ate my food, and reached for my phone. Agad ako siyang tinawagan kahit pa ngumunguya ako.

"Are you busy?" bungad ko sa kaniya.

"Nope, I'm having my lunch right now. Why?"

"Beck, I think I'm going nuts."

I heard him chuckle, "As usual,"

"Don't laugh at me. I'm serious!" I said frustratingly.

"Okay, okay! You do sound frustratingly serious. Do you want me to come?" he asked in a gentle tone.

I looked at the clock, indicating that it was almost the end of my lunch break. Nahagip din ng aking paningin ang tambak kong paper works. Napabuntong hininga na lamang ako. 

"Perhaps, later for dinner?"

"Sure! Sa usual ba?"

"Yup."

"Okay, see you later. And please, don't be late."

I rolled my eyes and bid my goodbye. Talagang may pahabol pang gano'n, e. Iniligpit ko na lamang ang pinagkainan ko, at itinabi sa container na puno ng mga notes ni Atlas ang bago niya. A small smile made its way to my lips when I saw the container was almost full. Gano'n siya ka consistent sa paghatid ng pagkain at note sa akin araw-araw. Wala talagang palya. 

When the room darkened because the night cloud started seizing the day cloud, I prepared to go to Beck's dinner meeting. The whole floor was already silent and a little bit dark. The cubicle and swivel chairs were uniformly set, and some of the monitors were still on for the employees who will do over time. Some of the employees still in the office greeted me politely. I just nodded at them and continued my walk on the way out. 

Halos paubos na rin ang mga sasakyang naka-park sa parking lot. Ang katahimikan sa aking paligid ay panandaliang nagbigay ng kapayapaan sa akin. Pero hidni rin 'yon nagtagal dahil sa traffic lalo na't rush hour ngayon. Nako, kasasabi pa lang naman ni Beck kanina na h'wag akong ma-la-late. Inabot ako ng isang oras bago makarating sa pinag-usapan naming restaurant, kahit thirty minutes away lang naman iyon sa company namin.

I saw Beck smirking at me when he saw me walking towards him. He even looked at his wristwatch and shook his head jokingly, disapproval. I only put my hands up as I surrendered. As I took a seat, I instantly opened my mouth to explain, but he hushed me up.

"Don't explain, Ms. Late Valez. I have already anticipated this."

"You're such a jerk." I jokingly said.

He only shrugged and called for the waiter. After ordering our food, I started telling him about what happened on my birthday until the unfortunate event. Napapansin kong natitigilan siya tuwing nababngit ko si Atlas, but tatango na lamang siya. Like, he was accepting that I got back with Atlas. Pagkatapos kong magkwento, ay uminom muna siya ng tubig bago magsalita.

"You and him are finally together, huh?" he didn't sound bitter. Rather he sounded pretty sad.

"Yes, I think I should give it a shot."

"I'm happy for you. I hope this time it will end well. By the way, does he know?"

"Know about what?"

"That it was you. You know the bachelor party?"

My stomach twisted a bit, "No. I-I don't think I could tell him."

He nodded and looked at me with pure understanding in his eyes, "Anyway, what you are feeling is normal, Olivia. That was a common response of a human being when they are grieving, or when they experienced something traumatic for them."

"It was normal to feel like this? Like I wanted to blame someone or everything?"

"Yes, that's how our mind works sometimes... or most of the time. It's not bad, but you should know that dwelling on something too long is bad. It could lead to things that we would regret. My advice to you is to try accepting what happened. Accept that it was an accident. And the real culprit was already paying for his sins—no need to blame anyone. Free yourself from that heavy feeling. Do you want to keep blaming him?"

I shook my head slowly and looked down, "No, he didn't deserve it."

"I know it would take time to accept things because acceptance was never an instant thing. So take your time, but don't drag other a person who's innocent. Olivia, look at me." and I did, " Tell me what do you want to do with Atlas."

"I wanted to apologize to him, tell him my worries, and makeup with him." 

"Good then do that, but first we should eat," he said and smiled at me.

Sakto namang pagsabi ni Beck no'n ay dumating na ang aming pagkain. Gumaan na rin ang pakiramdam ko. The best the talaga kpaag may friend kang psychiatrist. Masaya at mapayapa kaming nag-usap ni Beck sa mga bagay-bagay. After an hour ay napagpasyahan na rin naming umuwi. Pinauna ko na siya dahil sabi ko ay may dadaanan pa ako. Tumambay muna ako sa gilid ng sasakyan para mag-isip. 

Nakuha ng atensyon ko ang nagbebenta sa gilid ng sigarilyo. Sabi nila nakatutulong daw 'to para mag-isip, mag-relax, at minsan ay pangpatanggal pa ng stress. Unang hithit ko pa lang ng sigarilyo ay napaubo na agd ako. Ang pangit ng lasa! Bakit may nagugustuhan 'to? Akala ko ba naka-re-relax 'to? E sa pangit ng lasa parang mas lalo akong na stress. Humithit pa ako nang humithit at pagnakararami na pala ay nag-iiba na ang lasa. Pero hindi ko pa rin gusto. Itatapon ko na sana nang may biglang humawak sa kamay kong may sigarilyo, at inagaw 'yon. 

Black motor boots stomped my cigarette to death. Suddenly a hand was cupping my jaw a little hard, trapping the smoke inside my mouth. I put Atlas fury heavenly eyes. He pinched my jaw with a bit of force, making me open them, and he shotgunned the smoke from my mouth!

He took the smoke to my mouth using his, and he blew it out on his nose slowly. I was gaping at him as his jaw clenched while some smoke was still in our surroundings.

"We need to talk."

~TBC~

Miss me? I miss you all too! I'm really sorry for the super duper late update. I wasn't feeling fine talaga for the past few days, pero ngayon okay na naman. Grabe 'yung pagtaas ng cases ngayon. So, please, let's all be vigilant and take extra care. Kung wala namang need gawin sa labas mag-stay na lang sa bahay. 

Please, bear with all the typos and grammatical errors. This is the first draft.

Feel free to share your thoughts, and keep safe, everyone.

Love lots! :>>