O L I V I A   V A L E Z

He died. 

He was such as an angel. I guess all angels are meant in heaven. I cried like a baby all day and night, and he wiped my tears away. That was our routine for years, but now he took his wings and fled. I felt so numb. Moneta died when I was in LA doing dumb shit. Perhaps, the dog sent from heaven to guide me got tired of my stupidness. Kung hindi pa siya mamatay ay hindi ko maiisip 'yon. Nakatatanga talaga ang mga tao minsan. Kailangan pang may mawala bago ma-realized ang mga bagay-bagay. 

Humans are stupid.

And I'm a human. 

I have done a lot of idiotic things. Nakahihiya na honor students ako buong buhay ko at dean lister pa ngayong college, pero ganito ako ka tanga sa buhay. Now I know, taht there are a lot of things that cannot be learn in schools, na iba talaga ang realidad. Na wala lahat ang medals na nakuha ko kung hindi ako marunong mabuhay sa masaklap na realidad na ito. I'ts so funny that I have learned it this way. Na dahil lang sa iisang lalaki ay nagkanda letse-letse ang buhay kong ito.

Pagka-uwi ko after kong mag-cheat sa isang exam for the first time, ay ibinalita sa akin ang biglaang pagkawala ni Moneta. The dog was healthy and lively before I went outside the country. Kaya talagang hindi ko in-expect na mamatay ito bigla. Wala akong naramdaman habang nililigpit ang higaan ang cage nitong binili ko. Ni kahit noong tinitignan ko ang lupang pinaglibingan sa kaniya, ay ni isang luha ay wala ng tumulo. 

Hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako o hindi, na sa wakas ay napagod din ang puso't mata ko kaiiyak. Pero aaminin kong nakaramdam ako nang kaunting takot. Takot dahil sa lahat ng sakit at poo't ay wala na akong maramdaman. 

Nang umuwi naman si Dad ay may masamang balita rin siyang ibinalita sa akin. Sinabi niya na may kinakaharap na malaking problema ang company namin. Noong panahon pala na nag-away kami, 'yung parati siyang mukhang stress at pagod, doon pala nagsimula ang problema. May nagnakaw nang malaking halaga sa amin, na akala ni Dad ay nasolusyunan na niya dahil nahuli na ang salarin. Ayon pala ay kasabwat lang ito at iba pa ang pinakasalarin. Halos kasing laki ng four percent shares ang nanakaw sa amin.

Ni hindi ko nga nakita ang lalaking nasa bachelor party sa mga panahong iyon. Parang ibang Oliver Valez ang nakita ko sa bar na iyon, at sa nagkwekwento sa akin ng problema. Ibang-iba parang ang bilis na naging stress at hagard si Dad. Na wala 'yung lalaking inaakit ng mga exotic dancer doon. All I see was a stressed entrapreneur. 

I volunteered to work in our company even though I was still in my second year in college. At first, Dad was so against it. He wanted me to focus on my studies, but I think I needed this distraction. Makatutulong na ako sa company namin at maiiwasan ko pang mag-isip ng kung ano-ano. 

It's time to move on and forget everything.

I started as a credit analyst on Golden Asset Financial Bank, or GAFB in short. This company was founded by my dad with his blood and sweat, without our family's help. Talagang pinaghirapan ito ni Dad itaguyod. I didn't know the reason why grandma and grandpa didn't help dad nor support him. Siguro sa kadahilannag malayo ito sa talagang business ng mga Valez. Si dad kasi ang kauna-unahang Valez na tumaliwas sa tradisyon. 

Mabigat ang naging trabaho ko bilang credit analyst. Medyo mataas ito compare sa pinakamababng position like bank teller and banker. But if dad placed me there, I wouldn't be able to help him investigate who was really the thief. As a credit analyst, I'm responsible for reviewing an applicant's financial history and credit score. Na sa akin nakasalalay ang decision-making kung aaprove ba ang isang client. Yes, this is a heavy job with great responsibility. kaya halos wala na akong oras para sa ibang bagay. Umiikot ang mundo ko sa pag-aaral, trabaho, at sa pag-inom. 

I learned how to drink. Prim often invited me to drink whenever I was so stressed at work and exams. It helped me ease my mind, and my worries went away, but everything was temporary. Because the moment I opened my eyes after drinking hard was an agonizing and hammering pain in my head. Dumagdag pa tuloy ang hangover sa aking mga probolema. But as years went by, nasanay na rin akong uminom nang marami. Kaya ko ng lumaklak ng ten shots of tequila and other hard liquor bago magkaroon ng tama. Sa sobrang stress ko ba naman ay halos weekly kami nag-iinom ni Prim sa mga bar. Minsan ang ka-video call pa namin si Liberty habang nag-iinom.

Liberty and Prim didn't point out the changes in me. They seem cool with it, kaya naging confidence na rin ako lalo sa sarili ko. Noong mga unang month habang nag-inom sa bar ay iniiyakan ko pa si Atlas kasabay ng mga problema ko sa trabaho at pag-aaral. 

"Fuck it, Prim. Why didn't he choose me?" Maiyak-iyak ko pang pag-dra-drama habang lumalaklak. 

Napailing na lang si Prim at tumigil sa pagsasayaw, "Talagang sa dance floor mo pa naisipang mag-drama? Tara doon sa table. Doon ka ngumawa." 

Prim pulled my arms toward our table, but I removed her hands from me. 

"No! I want to talk it right now, right here!" Pinagpapadyak ko pa ang paa ko. 

Prim looked around and laughed awkwardly, "Oly, come on! Dance floors are for dancing, not for crying about broken hearts." 

"Why? Do dance floors have rules? Can't I twerk as I cry?"

I didn't know why I said that. I couldn't control the words coming out of my mouth, na kahit ang utak ko ay parang hindi na rin alam ang ginagawa. Alam ko pa ang mga nangyayari sa aking paligid. Alam ko pa ngang nasa dance floor kami, e. I just counldn't stop myself from doing stupid things. Let's all blame it to the alcohol tomorrow. Damn you, alcohol!

Prima laughed so hard that even though the music inside this club was blazing, her laugh was heard. All the part animals who were swaying their bodies and dancing like there's no tomorrow stopped and looked at Prim. She was like an alien who landed on earth. That's the kind of look they are giving to Prima.

Hinampas ko siya sa braso kaya bahagyang natapos ang hawak kong inumin. 

"Prim, stop laughing! I was serious." yeah, right! You were serious, Olivia, about twerking while crying. Lovely. 

"Have you heard yourself?" Prim asked as she tried to suppress her laugh but failed miserably.

My face heated up, but the alcohol kicked in again into my system. "Of course! I'm a multitasker. Hinahamon mo ba ako?"

Prim wiped the tears in the corner of her eyes that she got from laughing too hard. "As much as I want to see you do that. I don't want you to look hilariously stupid in front of all these people."

Hinatak ako ni Prim palayo sa mga tao. Lumabas kami ng bar kung saan nakita namin ang kaibigan niyang si Briarly na may kahalikan. Nakatingin ito sa amin kahit na busy sa labi ng babaeng kaniyang nilalantakan, kaya tinanguan ko na lamang siya bilang acknowledgement. Pinapasok ako ni Prim sa kaniyang sasakyan. Pagkapsok na pagkapasok namin ay agad niya akong nilingon, habang ang mata ko naman ay nakatingin sa basong hawak-hawak pa rin.

Sumimangot ako, " I went out with their glass. Shit, I'm a thief!"

Hinablot sa akin ni Prim ang baso kaya agad akong napalingon sa kaniya. Tinuro ko siya at sinabing, "You're a thief too!"

Prim rolled her eyes on me, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm your partner in crime, and a policeman would arrest us for a fucking glass. Now, tell me, what are you crying about a while ago."

"I wasn't crying!"

"That was an expression. I didn't mean it literally."

"Ayan! People are so good at saying and doing things they don't mean! Paano ba 'yan, ha? Madali ba talagang gawin 'yan? Kung sobrang daling gawin niyan, bakit ang hirap kalimutan?"

"Huh?" Prim looked at me dumbfoundedly.

"O, isa pa 'yan! Dali-dali n'yong magmaang-maangang wala kayong alam. Ano you do things like you care about me, pero wala kang alam na nahuhulog na ako sa 'yo? Ganoon? P'wede ba 'yon?"

Prim just stared at me with a shocked facial expression. My forehead knitted as anger and sadness crept into me.

"Anong tinitingin-tingin mo d'yan? Cat got your tongue? Hindi ka na makapagsalita kasi totoo naman 'di ba? Totoong pa-fall ka lang!"

Prim put both her hands up like she was being arrested, "Uhm... I'm Prima Donovan, and I'm a hundred percent sure I wasn't your ex na nagpaasa sa 'yo."

Kahit na maraming kagagahan ang aking nagawa tuwing iinom, sumasama pa rin ako kay Prim tuwing magyaya siya. I trusted her dahil tuwing medyo nagkakalat na ako, she was always there to save me. Hindi niya ako hinahayaang gumawa ng malalang eksena o katangahan sa mataong lugar. Lagi niya akong dinadala kung saang dalawa lang kami makakikita ng out burst ko. And I was so thankful I have her. 

The weather was fine today. It was not so sunny kaya kahit magpalakad-lakad ako papuntang kabilang building to another building ay okay lang. Naghahabol na kasi ako ng claerance ngayon dahil katatpos ko lang tapusin lahat ng requiments ko sa lahat ng subject. Medyo late na nga akong magpapirma dahil naging busy ako sa trabaho. Inabot ako ng halos dalawang taon bago namin nahuli ang totoong may sala ng pagnanakaw ng pera sa amin.

Hindi namin ito p'wede ibalita na may ganoong naganap, kaya sinikap naming maging private ang lahat ng action at process. Makasisira ito sa image ng bangko namin. Client won't trust our bank if a thief got in. Ibig lang sabihin no'n ay hindi ganoon ka tight ang security namin externally and internally, and if the clients knew taht we would losea great amount of money. We could also go bankcrupt. Noong nagtrabaho ako saka ko lang tuluyang naintidihan, kung bakit sobrang stress si Dad tuwing ma problem sa company. Nalaman naming ang employee na nahuli ay may kaalyansang international investor, kaya nahirapan kaming i-track ang nakawang nangyari. 

My phone beeped as I ran towards the next building, where one of my major professors got class. I fished it out and saw a text message. Ms. Valez, I'm here to remind you about your appointment at three in the afternoon. Agad akong napatingin sa watch ko. I still have four hours left para habulin at hanapin ang mga professors ko. Bakit ba 'pag-clearance day ang hihirap hanapin ng mga prof? May mga kakaiba talaga silang ability bukod sa paglalagay ng mga topic na hind naituro, ay kaya rin nilang magtago nang parang magic.

I was so fucking tired after two hours, but all the sweat was worth it. I smiled as I looked at my clearance full of my professor's signature. Finally, I can graduate! I hugged it tightly with a broad smile on my lips as I made my way to my car. Kahit ganoon pa katagal ang traffic na aking maabutan sa daan, ay hindi masisira ang mood ko. 

I happily entered the lobby to my psychiatrist's clinic. The student assistant greeted me with a good afternoon. Agad ko namang sinabi ang appointment ko sa kaniya.

"Dr. Griffin is already waiting for you at his office, Ma'am."

Agad naman akong tumalima at pumasok sa office ng psychiatrist ko.

Tumingin siya agad sa kaniyang relo at ngumisi sa akin. This damn psychiatrist even clapped at me.

"Wow, Ms. Olivia Valez, wasn't late for the first time!"

I rolled my eyes at him and sat in front of him.

"Shut up, Beck."

"Excuse me. It's Dr. Beckett Kai Griffin."

"You're the one who told me to call you Beck." 

Tumawa lang ito sa aking sinabi at tumayo para kunin ang doctors coat niya. Minsan nga pagnag-co-counseling kami ay parang siya pa ang hindi okay. Siguro nakababaliw talaga kung nasa field ng medicine ang inaral mo. 

"So, how was your day?" Beck said with a bright smile on his lips.

This is how our counseling would always start. Sisimulan niya sa mga simpleng tanong about sa mga nagyari sa araw mo. Hahayaan ka niyang magkwento at kung hindi ka naman magkwenkwento ay saka siya magtatanong. Almost two years ago nang mapagpasyahan kong magpatingin. Minsan kasi ay inaatake ako ng wala sa lugar at nakasasagabal ito sa trabaho ko. I was already an adult kaya hindi na need ng parent's consent, at sobrang busy rin si Dad kaya hindi niya nahahalatang nagpupunta ako rito weekly. 

After a year of proper treatment, I stopped washing my hands furiously and vomiting. Pero hindi lalagpas sa lima ang paghuhugas ko ng kamay kasabay pa ng pag-a-alcohol at sanitizer. Kaya need ko pa ring ipagpatuloy ang counseling ko, pero mas kaunti na ngayon ang appointments ko comapre dati.

Doctor Beckett Kai Griffin was kind yet weird at the same time. He was younger than what I expected for a psychiatrist. Nasa late thirties pa lang siya kaya medyo mapagbiro at laging pala ngiti. Mabilis lang din napalagay ang loob ko sa kaniya kaya naging kaibigan ko rin siya bukod sa pagiging psychiatrist ko. Well, I think gano'n naman talaga? Kailangan niyang kunin ang loob ng patient niya para mag-open up sa kaniya.

"To sum up, your day went well, Oly." Dr. Beck stared at me with a goofy smile.

"Yup," I said, popping the p.

"Aren't you gonna invite me to your graduation party?" 

I squinted my eyes jokingly at him, "Why would I?"

Sinapo niya ang puso niya puso niya na para bang nasasaktan siya doon. 

"Ouch! Sige, salamat na lang sa lahat."

I chuckled at his silliness, "I'll text you the date."

Kinuha ko ang cellphone ko at magkukunwari sanang wala akong number niya, nang makita ko ang isang unread message galing kay Liberty.

I'm going back! God, I miss you so much. See you soon!

~TBC~

Sorry for the super late update!

Please, bear with all the errors. This is the first draft.

Feel free to share your thoughts, and keep safe, everyone.

Love lots!