O L I V I A   V A L E Z

"O, 'di ba CBA night was fun?" sabi ni Prim.

Prima Donovan, with her crazy yet eccentric hair color of silver hair, certainly stood out. She was holding a red cup from the fruit punch that I saw earlier that she put alcohol into it. Of course, Prim was so used to doing things that screamed trouble. That's why no one noticed what she did. She made sure the SSG was busy with other things, primarily Saint. I only hooked my head and smirked after that.

I wasn't particularly in the mood to party, but I can't deny that this was fun.

"Yeah," I answered as I took a sipped on my own not-so-alcohol-free fruit punch.

"Told 'yah! It's good that you attended this year's CBA night. I also thought that it would be boring since this department was full of nerds." Prima laughed and swirled along with the loud music, "They should be thankful that I am here. I made their party fun and exciting."

I swayed my body timidly even though the music was fast and very upbeat. This was the third CBA night Prima joined while I, on the other hand, was a first-timer. Talagang every year gumagawa ng eksena si Prim. It wasn't that bad, but still, it was trouble. In our first year, Prim danced on the top of the table while holding a glass. Na out of balance siya nangsitahin siya ni Saint at pinababa sa table. Pagkahulog niya ay ang pagkabasag ng hawak-hawak na baso. Kaya simulanoon ay red cup na ang ginamit nila.

Noong second-year naman, she caused a big accident and fight. She slipped some alcoholic drink for herself, just like what she did today. Sa sobrang kalasingan ay may natapunan siyang senior nang hindi sinasadya at hindi niya napansin iyon. And Prim being herself, everybody knew what happened next. Nagka-physical-an silang dalawa noong senior kaya maagang natapos ang CBA night. 

Mabuti nga at pinayagan siyang sumali ngayon. I think Saint can never say no to her. Kahit pa saway-sawayin niya si Prim palagi. He was still soft for her. I really wish Prim could see that.

I didn't join when I was in freshman and sophomore. I wasn't that ready to socialize with others. Hindi nga rin sana ako sasali ngayong taon, pero today's event put me on edge that made me want to be distracted.

Wala pasok tuwing CBA night para makapag-prepare ang mga students, kaya nakasabay ko pa si Dad kanina sa breakfast. It was supposed to be a peaceful morning. Well, it wasn't that benign for the reason that the same nightmare still hunted me for the past two years. Pero kahit gano'n I was kind of used to it, but it still affected me a lot. I still overly washed my hand from time to time. 

I was silently eating pancakes with berries and mapple syrup when dad suddenly talked. He started the conversation casually, so I didn't pay much attention to it. The pancake was so good that it lifted my spirit. Every time I slice a piece, it would bounce, making it more appetizing. However, that little joy I found while eating the delicious pancake burst like a balloon and dissolved to nothingness.

"Your Tito Atlas is getting married." 

It was like a curse.

A curse cast on my whole being, making my entire world stop and never function again. 

It was like a bomb on war.

An unstoppable bomb was exploding after one another, making my ears hear a deafening silence of pain. 

I felt thousands of unexplainable pain that I couldn't even name. That I didn't know where it came from. All I knew was that my heart was bleeding, and I didn't know why. There was chaos and darkness of silent cries inside me, but all I did outside was drop my fork on the porcelain plate. Even the sound of it was like mourning cries for a dead heart. Like, a thousand head was beheaded in front of me, and all I can do was watch it. 

And along with that cacophonous cry was a whisper on my ear telling me how dirty I was for feeling hurt. 

"H-He's getting married?" I asked with a shaking voice that I could not stop.

"Yup, was it that shocking? Well, I guess it was. I actually didn't expect him to settle with Beauty." 

"His long-time g-girlfriend?"

Dad stopped scooping rice into his spoon and thought about my question. I don't know why he needed to think about it. Beauty said Atlas begged her to come here with him, so he must love her so much that he couldn't stand being apart for her even for three months. After he went home, I never heard of any news about him, and I never stalked his social media account. Kahit minsan ay may nag-u-urged sa akin na i-search ang mga social media account niya, para lang malaman ko kung kamusta na siya ay hindi ko ginawa.

I respect his relationship with her. And I'm just a dirt on their relationship, so I better mind my own business. 

"Yes, but their relationship was always on and off. That's why I never expected him to settle with her."

"Are you going?" 

"The invitation I got was for the bachelor party in LA this Saturday."

I put my hands on my lap because they couldn't stop fidgeting from the panic I was feeling. P'wede pa lang makaramdam ang tao ng panic at sakit nang sabay. Pati pala emotion ngayon multitasker na. My hands started sweating cold as I can feel hot tears trying to go out on the corner of my eyes. I blinked and looked away when dad looked at me intently. 

I gulped, hoping it would make my voice normal. "So are you going?"

"Yes, and they said the wedding date would be announce by then to us. Weird, but whatever, Atlas, has been always weird."

"I see..." I stood up and I almost fall back on my chair because of my wobbly knees. "Excuse me, I need to prepare for the party later." 

I was supposed to kiss my dad's cheek for a good luck to his work, but I'm too preoccupied fromall the thoughts that was running wildley on my mind. I was thankful that I didn't tripped as I went up stairs. Agad along napatakip ng aking bibig pagkapasok na pagkapasok ko pa lamang sa aking kwarto. Napasandal ako sa pintuan, at katulad ng isang babasaging lalagyan na nilagyan ng isang mainit na nag-uumapaw na tubig. I shattered from the burning pain that overflowed in my heart. Hot tears streamed down my eyes.

Napadausdos ako pababa habang nakatakip pa rin sa kaing bibig ang kamay. My sobs were almost as loud as a scream that's why I tried my best to suppressed it ny covering my mouth. Ikakasal na siya. Ikakasal na siya sa babaeng mahal niya. 

I should be happy...

I should be happy because he deserves to spend his lifetime with the woman he love.

I should be happy.

But why could not I?

What's wrong with me? Siguro nga talagang marumi akong tao. Hindi ko kasi magawang imaging masaya para sa taong mahal ko. Nakadidiri nga ako. Beauty was right all along. The nightmare wasn't just a nightmare, it was the reality. My love for him was one sided. I accepted it. I accepted that he would never love me because he already have somebody else. A dirty little girl like me didn't have any place in his life. I knew that, but why can't  I accept that he was about to get married? 

I am a hypocrite. 

I am a disgusting hypocrite.

Mapait akong ngumiti at muling inubos ang lamang ng baso ko.Prima cheered on me as she watched me chugged the alcohol whe sneaked in. Hindi naman ito gano'n kapait pero parang dumagdag yata sa pait na nararamdaman ko kaya mas iyon ang nalalsahan ko. The lively music didn't do anything much to make me lively. The set up was also perfect. It was decorated with vibrant and fun things. It was deigned to bring out the fun out of everyone and to make them relax. 

I guess I was In a different world right now.

"Ang lakas mo palang uminom? Kung alam ko lang palagi na sana kitang sinama sa mga lakad namin nila Briarly." tuwang-tuwang sabi ni Prim. 

Inabutan niya pa ulit ako ng isang baso na puno ng inumin. Inakbayan niya ako at iginaya muli sa mga nagsasayawang students. I roamed my eyes around and saw how wild they are. I mean, for someone na laging tambay sa library, I didn't expect everyone to have fun like this. Marami kasing accountancy sa department namin, at bukod sa mga med student isa sila sa suki ng library. 

I shook my head when I saw someone tearing apart some balance sheets,and scattering it around like it was money, while some of them were twerking while it fell down. Mabuti na lamang at cool lang ang SSG member, at hinahayaan sila sa trip nila. Ang trip lang yata ni Prim ang hindi nila approve. May iilan ding nag-he-head bang sa beat ng music habang may hawak-hawak na research paper nila. I think some of the students came from group study or library before attending the party.

Prim removed her arms around my shoulder and touched both of my shoulders. Now we are facing each other directly. Nagtaas siya ng isang kilay at inilapit ang kamay sa aking mukha. Napaatras ako nang kaunti sa ginawa niya. When her hand reached my face, she stretched out the corner of my mouth to from a smile.

I rolled my eyes and removed her hand, "Stop it, Prim."

"Stop it, Prim." she said mockingly, "Come on, Oly! This is a party! You should also have fun and dance. Hindi lang ito inuman."

"I'm not in the mood to party and dance, Prim."

Prim sighed, "You told me the same thing on your debut! Tapos ngayon wala ka pa rin sa mood?"

For my debut, we held a grand party but it was inculsive for Valez's only and some close family friends. Ayoko talagang mag-party but it would be weird since every year akong nag-pa-party for my birthday. I didn't want dad to be suspicous of me. But it was really hard for me. Hindi ko na enjoy ang debut mo. Memories from my seventeenth birthday flashes from time to time. Halos manginig ako noon at maya't maya ang pag-CR ko para maghugas ng kamay. Tuwing titignan ko nga ang photo book noong debut ko ay puro pilit na ngiti ang nakapaskil sa aking labi. 

I tried my best to act excited and having fun, but there were moments that my smile would fade away and my eyes would show everything I was hiding. I was lucky that in those moment no one saw it. 

I guped another large amount of alcohol and stare at the cup. Maybe the liqiour spread to my brain and made me lower down my barrier. I looked at Prim as I taste the bitterness in my heart. 

With a broke voice, I said, "He's getting married."

After all those years, this was the first time I would open up about it. Kahit noong natagpuan niya ako noon after nang mangyari, never kong naikwento sa kaniya ang lahat. And I'm thankful that Prim never insisted on knowing about it. Today, the pain was too much. Feeling ko kung hindi ko pa ito sasabihin kahit kanino sasabog na lang ako bigla. 

Without telling who it was, Prim undertood that it was about my seventeenth birthday. 

"To someone else?" na nanatyang tanong niya.

I panifully nodded and avoided her eyes. I could feel my tears forming again. I'm so tired of crying! I'm so fucking tired. For the past years my soul has been weeping. 

"Of course..." sabi ni Prim sa sarili niya, "Tatanga-tanga kana naman, Self." 

"I-I don't know what to do anymore." I confessed. 

"Do you want to do something about it?"

"I-I don't know..."

Hindi ko naman kasi talaga alam. Hindi ko alam kung ano bang dapat gawin sa sitwasyong kong ito, o kung may rapat ba akong gawin. Hindi ko rin alam kung paano ako makababangon kung nagpkakasal nga siya. Hindi ko na talaga alam. 

"Did this man knew about your feelings?"

Agad akong napatingin kay Prima dahil sa tinanong niya. It was like a wake up call. Maybe I was so hang up to Atlas becasue I never got the chance to tell him. Kasi noong una pa man ay nagdesisyon na akong never itong sabihin. But, it was the right thing to do, right? 

Prom's eyes soften. She held my hand gently, "Feelings that are never voice out, scream in our heart instead. If you love, you gotta tell it because love could never be contained. It's like caging a bird that was meant to fly to the vast beautiful sky."

"I-I can't."

"Why? Was your love impure?"

"Y-Yes," I said.

I closed my eyes tightly as I saw that particular scene again, like a movie on my mind on repeat.

"You're wrong, Oly. Remember, love would never be impure. It was the person's intention that made it seem impure sometime."

That hit me hard. She was right. 

Prima was right. 

I love Atlas becasue he care for me. I fell for him because of his personality and the way he treated me. The wasy he acknowledge me. I love it all. 

Nagulat naman ako nang bigla akong hampasin ni Prim, "Chaka natin," tumawa siya at tumingin sa paligid, "Dito talag atyo nag-drama about sa love. Sa gitna pa talaga ng dance floor! Tara shot muna ulit."

Natawa na lang din ako at muling inubos ang lama ng aking baso. Prim shouted bottom up! and suprisingly everybody cheered, kahit na fruit punch lang naman ang iniinom nila bukod sa amin. With determination now forming inside me, I made a big decision.

I will go to LA and tell Atlas about my feelings. Whatever happens, I will accept it... hopefully.

But can I really accept that he would be forever with her?

~TBC~

Someone's getting married!

Please, bear with all the errors.

Feel free to share your thoughts, and keep safe, everyone.

Love lots! :>>