O L I V I A   V A L E Z

I always thought that people around me were overreacting when they cried about someone that didn't have a label in their life. Why cry over someone you had a mutual understanding with? I mean, they didn't even make it official, so why shred your tears out for someone who didn't make an effort to make it official for the both of you? I always find it stupid. I never understand why people bothered crying for such a thing, but look at me now—weeping my heart out about someone who didn't have a label in my life, much worst, a mutual understanding. 

At least, those people had a mutual understanding. While I, on the other hand, was all one-sided. It was all on me... solely me. 

I kissed Atlas because my heart told me so, not because he told me to. 

Thinking of all the things he did to me now that he's gone was like a dream. Parang panaginip lang na dumating siya sa buhay ko. I could still remember the first time I met him at that airport with his dark blue coat and black ripped jeans that hugged his thighs perfectly. I could still remember how his baritone voice sent a little shock of unexplainable feeling through me. I could still remember how his piercing blue eyes transfixed my soul. It was all intense and marvelous to meet someone for the first time. And I never felt all those feelings in just a short span of time. Siya lang... siya lang talaga ang may kayang gawin iyon sa akin.

My tears dropped on the paper I was holding. The charcoal of the pencil tainted the whiteness of the paper I used to draw his back with mighty angel wings. But now, as my tears kept dropping like how the rain fell on the heavy clouds, his back was smudge by it like how his back went blurred when he walked away with his girl. With my trembling hands, I slowly lifted the paper and tore it apart. I closed my eyes tightly, feeling the sting of my crying eyes, the sound of the paper while pulling it was like the sound of my weeping heart.

I never knew that it was this hard. Parang gusto ko na lang magkaroon ng amnesia para hindi ako nasasaktan nang ganito katindi. It's actually funny thinking how I was this hurt when I shouldn't be in pain in the first place. Kung may magtatanong sa akin ngayon kung bakit ako nasasaktan hindi ko alam kung ano ang isasagot. I can't justify it. Siguro ang maisasagot ko lang ay dahil sa sariling katangahan.

I lead myself into this heartache, and no one else is responsible for that other than me. 

Atlas only saw me as his best friend's daughter and took pity on me. He saw me lonely and sad that's why he kept me company as much as he could, and I took it in a wrong way. There was no other motive on his part. It was all normal for him. He only acted as a guardian and not someone interested in me in a different light. It was me who assumed and fell. Now I knew that not all kindness was an act of love. Kindness was a natural thing a person had in their heart. Was kindness so rare that I took it for something else? 

"Olivia, darling... are you sure?" dad asked me hesitantly as I showed him my enrollment form.

My eyes were now okay. It wasn't puffy as it was days ago. I could also keep a straight face and smile like nothing happened. Like, I wasn't hurting at all. I could give myself an award on how good I am at acting like everything was okay.

"Yes, I realized that financial management was more practical than enrolling for architecture."

My dad looked at me for a moment—assessing my face for any emotion hidden underneath my perfect sweet smile. 

"Are you really sure, Darling? You've been asking me about architecture, and we even had a little argument about this. Now that I'm okay with it, you won't pursue architecture?"

I sighed and smiled genuinely this time, "I'm sure, Dad. It was a rush decision of me to bug you about it."

Bago pa man ako pumasok sa opisinang ito para sabihin ito kay dad, ay talagang buo na nag desisyon ko. Naiintindihan ko kung bakit nagtataka siya sa naging desisyon ko. Siguro kung nakapupunta ako sa hinaharap at malamang naging ganito ang desisyon ko about sa course na kukunin, ay malamang nagulat at magtataka rina ko sa making sarili. But this is one of the ways I came up to forget about him. I would cut of anything that would poke my memories with him.

I would cut it all off the arts, violin, architecture, motor rides, and many more. Wala along ititirang kahit isa... what a liar. I knew you kept his leather jacket. I closed my eyes tightly and shook off that small voice that kept pestering me. Kahit mahirap na alisin ang mga bagay na nagpaaalala sa kaniya ay ginawa ko pa rin. Umabot nga lang ako ng ilang linggo... no, halos isang month din ang inabot ko.

Pinunit at sinunog ko lahat ng drawing kong ginawa para sa kaniya. I even deleted my recitals recording dahil nandoon siya. Iyon yata ang isa sa mga magpaaalal sa akin na minsang dumaan siya sa buhay ko. Inilagay ko na sa bodega si Love dahil bukod sa magpaalala iyon sa recitals ko, maaalala ko ring Love ang pangalan ng pinakamamahal niyang motor.

I even had this silly thought na sana naging motor na lang ako. Mabuti pa kasi 'yung motor may label sa kaniya tapos ako... nevermind. Ano ba itong nagagawa niya sa akin? I'm Olivia Valez bakit ako maiinggit sa motor?

Most of my days were spent in blue, and I'm so tired of it, but whatever I do, I can't seem to paint it in a different color. 

"Oly, are you okay?"

"Yes," I answered Prim immediately without looking at her.

Nagpatuloy na lamang ako sa pagsusulat ng mga rules na ginawa ng professor namin para sa subject na ito. Nag-o-orrient ang prof namin sa harap pero ni hindi man lang nag-effort si Prim na makinig dito. Hindi ko nga aam bakit kami mag-classmate, e. I mean, I'm glad that we could be together in college, but she never told me that she would take financing! 

Isang gabi habang nagpupunit ako ng iilan kong sketches, ay tumawag si Prim sa akin asking me what course I would take and what university I will enroll. Hindi naman ako nagtaka kung bakit niya 'yon tinanong dahil baka gusto lang naman niya malaman or something. Pero eto kaninang pagkababa ko sa sasakyan namin ay naabutan ko siyang nag-aabang sa akin. Nagulat nga rin ako nang malamang parehas kami ng schedule sa lahat ng subject.

"Talaga bang hindi mo sasabihin kay Libs, Oly?" pangungulit pa niya ulit.

Tinignan ko lamang siya at umiling. Siniko ko siya nang tawagin siya ng guro para magpakilala sa harapan. 

"Ano ba 'yan! Bakit kasi sa firts row ang trip mong pwestuhan?"

"Para malapit sa board?" 

Umirap lang sa akin si Prim at tamad na pumunta sa harapan para ipakilala ang sarili. After Prim saw me wrecked on that room's floor, nag-ayos ako ng aking sarili at bumalik sa party na parang walang nangyari. I also told Prima to keep everything a secret kahit kanino. Mabuti na lamang at magaling magtago ng mga secret si Prim kaya talagang katiwa-tiwala siya. Maraming oras na parang gusto kong i-kwento lahat kay Liberty pero hindi ko magawa. I knew her life in New York isn't easy. Saka kalilimutan ko na rin naman siya so, bakit ko pa siya ikwekwneto sa kaibigan ko?

Ang asong ibinigay niya na pinangalanan ko ng Moneta. Ito lang ang laging nakakikita kung gaano ako umiyak at mag-rant about sa nagbigay sa kaniya. Ni kahit ang pangalan niya ay ayaw ko ng banggitin. Mabuti na lamang ay napagagaan ni Moneta ang aking loob. 

Prim hooked her arms on me after our orientation ended. We are now on break; that's why we were freely walking on the corridor when we saw Saint talking to someone. Agad naman siyang napatingin sa gawi namin, ni hindi nga nagtagal ng ilang segundo bago nanatili sa katabi ko ang tingin niya. And Prim would tell me that it's impossible for Saint to like her. By looking at how he looked at Prim I could tell his feeling in an instant.

"Hi, Saint!" ako na nag naunang bumati dahil alam ko namang hindi nagbabatian ang dalawang ito.

Agad namang kumunot ang noo ni Prim nang makita si Saint.

Bumulong siya na parang hindi naman bulong, "Ano ba 'yan hangang college ba nandito na naman 'yan?"

Saint smiled tightly and said, "Well, it's not nice to see you in college too. I don't particularly appreciate seeing a delinquent student."

Parang gusto kong sumabat at sabihing talaga ba? But I chose to shut my mouth and kept listening to them.

"Utot ka ba? Bakit kung na saan ako nando'n ka lagi?" iritadong sabi ni Prim.

Saint smirked and said, "Bakit lagi bang may utot sa pinupuntahan mo? Ang baho mo pala."

Nakita ko kung paano namula sa inis ang mukha ni Prim, at siguradong hindi lang ako ang nakakita no'n. I saw how the silly smirk on Saint face suddenly dissapeared. Bigla rin itong bahagyang nataranta nang makita ang naging recation ni Prim sa sinabi niya. Bago pa man gumawa ng hindi maganda si Prim doon ay hinatak ko na siya palayo.

Hangang sa matapos ang first day namin as a freshmen, ay rant pa rin nang rant si Prim patungkol kay Saint. Pinapakinggan ko lamang siya dahil 'pag nag-side comment pa ako ay lalong hindi matatapos ang inis niya. But honestly speaking, bagay naman sila ni Saint. I think the two of them would click. If only Prim would consider it.

I sighed as I looked at our massive silent mansion. After a busy and lively day in university, sasalubungin na ulit ako ng katahimikan sa bahay namin. Simula ng umalis siya parang naging extra ang katahimikan dito. Ewan ko ba. Isang tao lang naman siya pero kayang-kaya niya buhayin ang tahimik na pamamahay na ito. Ano ba, Olivia! Stop thinking about him. 

Isang matinis na tahol ang agad kong narinig pagkatapak ko pa lamang sa bulwagan. I guess, everything that he left always break the silence in me. Agad akong napangiti nang makitang tumatakbo si Moneta para salubungin akin. I extend my arms and squated down. I immediately felt the fluffyness of her fur that took away the sadness that crept into my heart awhile ago. Moneta kept kissing me on the cheek hangang sa makarating kami sa aking kwarto.

Nagkulong lang ako sa aking kwarto hangang sa mag-dinner na nang dumating si Dad. I left Moneta on my room kasi mahimbing ang tulog nito, habang ako naman ay papunta na sa dining area for dinner. Naabutan kong naka-upo na sa kaniyang pwesto si Dad habang hinihintay ako. I kissed his cheek and sat down. 

Tahimik lang kaming kumakain. Ganito naman talaga lagi... before he came here. He would always try to strike a conversation when the silence was eating us away. He would always try to annoy my dad from time to time kaya nagiging masaya ang hapag kainan lagi. But now, all I could hear was the subtle clacking of utensils against the porcelain plates. Dati naman sanay na ako sa ganito pero ngayon... parang nakawawalang gana na. 

The memories of him still hunt me, especially here in our mansion. I could feel the hot tears trying to form in the corner of my eyes. I blinked it away. My throat suddenly felt tight, making it hard for me to swallow my food. I put down my spoon slowly and looked at my plate with half-eaten dishes. 

"By the way, your Tito Atlas called." 

My eyes immediately went to my dad. I stopped chewing and focused on what he was going to say. Ngayon na lang ako ulit makaririnig ng balita tungkol sa kaniya after noong birthday ko. Nag-stay rin kasi kami sa rest house na iyon for three days dahil gustong makipag-bonding ng aking mga pinsan. Pagkauwi namin sa mansion ay nakaalis na siya doon. Wala na nag mga gamit niya pati na rin ang kaniyang motor. Para bang never siyang nag-stay sa bahay. Para siyang bulang bigla na lang naglaho.

"Kinamusta ka niya sa akin," dad said nonchalantly and wiped the corner of his lips.

"What did you said?" 

The anticipation is killing me. K-Kinamusta niya ako? Does he still care for me?

"Nothing much. I told him, you are doing fine, and the school year just started."

"Tapos?" I asked a bit hopeful na may iba pa siyang sinabi patungkol sa akin.

"Wala na. That's all we talked about, and then we continued talking about business." Uminom ng water si dad at biglang may naalala, "A, his girlfriend came here to make him come home to Australia."

I could feel the acid dripping on my stomach. parang gusto kong isuka lahat ng kinain ko sa pait at sakit na nararamdaman ko ngayon. Beauty came here to make him come home. Home... Australia was his home. Not here. Not with me. With her.

Agad-agad akong tumayo at nagsabing tapos na kumain kahit wala pa sa kalahati ang aking nakakain. I don't think I would be able to eat after what dad said. Unti-unting bumalik sa akin ang mga ala-ala noong araw na iyo. 'Yung mga sinabi ni Beauty sa akin. Na isa aking maruming tao.

I rushed to the bathroom and went to the sink. I perturbed opened the faucet. With my trembling hand, I reached for the soap and hardly rubbed my palms together as her words kept on playing on my head. 

"You skank! You are a dirty disgusting little whore! You are still a kid, a minor, yet you seduce older men! You are the dirtiest kind of whore I knew! You got no shame, no dignity, and no decency! You are so fucking dirty! You disgusting shit!"

You are so fucking dirty! You disgusting shit!

Fucking dirty!

Disgusting shit!

I'm dirty and disgusting.

~TBC~

Hindi na talaga ko magsasabi kung kailan may update dahil laging nababti at hindi natutuloy. Abangan n'yo na lang. 'Yaw ko na mag-talk. Btw, Thanks sa comments and votes. I really appreciated it alot. It keeps me going!

Please, bear with all the errors. This is a rough draft.

Feel free to share your thoughts, and keep safe, everyone.

Love lots! :>>