O L I V I A   V A L E Z

I've always thought that kissing someone dear in your life would always be magical, like how books and movies described it. They said it was like a drizzle on a summer night. Everything comes together in perfect harmony, giving a taste and feeling unlike anything else you've ever experienced. It felt like you're wandering in another galaxy, it's as if you're no longer in your own body. When you're with someone, you feel you could lose yourself in them for the rest of your life, but you're uncertain how.

It wasn't all bluff.

It definitely felt like all the stars from the universe came crashing down on my soul. Like there was a whole damn zoo on my stomach as Atlas's lips pressed into mine. Like, all the warmth of the sun crept into my heart. It was indeed magical and world stopping. However, the magical feeling wore off like how Cinderella's fairy godmother's magic wore off when the clock strikes twelve. And the world stopping feeling suddenly continued working again like the world doesn't care if it would leave you behind.

Why do books and movies never tell us the feeling after the kiss? If I only knew the magic of kissing was only present while kissing and not after, I would have thought more before I acted recklessly. But I'm not really sure if I would change how things happened. I would probably kiss him again and again. I knew it was wrong...now, but how could I? If I never knew, he had a girlfriend?

"Come on, Little Slut, tell me... Did my boyfriend's lips taste good?"

Atlas's girlfriend said mockingly to me, as she looked at me from my head to toe like he was assessing how filthy I was. Atlas called her Beauty. That must be her name and If I would be honest, she really lived up to her name. She has short straight brunette hair. Her eyes were like a fox—the way she looked at people can make them tremble — it was brown, almost golden. It was mesmerizing. Her perfectly heart-shaped thin lips were painted in scarlet red lipstick. It was also smiling arrogantly at me. And her high cheekbones and small chin made her beautiful.

"Cat got your tongue, bitch?"

Beauty walked towards me, but Atlas stopped her by grabbing her arms. My stomach was now feeling like there was a hollow inside it... cold, dark, and big hollow. Like, they poured a drum of cold water on me. I wasn't able to move nor form a word from the shock of discovering that Atlas has a girlfriend. The man I like has a fucking girlfriend, and what was worst? I kissed him. I fucking kissed someone who was already committed to someone else.

I am the worst.

"Beauty, don't talk to her like that." Atlas managed to say even though he was so shocked too.

Beauty rolled her eyes and violently removed Atlas's hands on her arms, and mockingly said, "Why wouldn't I talk like she is a little dirty slut when she is one?" then, her gaze went to me again. She was looking at me sharply. "What? Can't move? Talk? I certainly saw you a while ago move to kiss Atlas."

My breath hitched as she started walking towards me again. My fingers started fidgeting at my side and my palms started sweating, too. I don't want this. I never wanted this to happen. My mouth opened as I tried to talk, but that was all I could do — open my mouth.

Beauty laughed darkly, without humor. When she reached me, there was only an inched away. She caught some of my loose strands from my messy bun and curled it to her finger. My heart drummed nervously as I watched her closely. Then she mockingly copied how I stupidly opened my mouth and closed it as no words came out of my lips.

"Beauty..." Atlas said warningly at her. 

Hindi naman niya ito pinansin at na natili lamang ang tingin sa buhok kong pinaglalaruan niya. Isang ngisi muling ang pumorma sa labi ni Beauty bago magsalita. 

"Do you only use your fucking mouth in kissing? As I've expected sluts like you are stupid. You can't even use your tongue in kissing pati ba naman sa pagsasalita?" gusto ko sanang umapili sa kaniyang sinabi pero tumawa ulit siya na nang-aasar. "Do you even considered that as a kiss? All you did was press your dirty little mouth on my boyfriend. You didn't even move your fucking mouth or even used your tongue to make it better."

Nagkibit balikat pa siya bago muling nagpatuloy, "Poor you, magiging malindi ka na nga lang hinid mo pa ginalingan."

"Beauty, stop talking!" 

Pagalit na hinatak paharap ni Atlas sa kaniya ang kaniayang girlfriend. Nanlisik naman ang mata ni Beauty nang mapaharap siya kay Atlas. Napasinghap ako nang pagkaharp na pagharap niya ay isang malakas at malutong na sampal ang iginawad niya kay Atlas. Rinig na rinig sa apat na sulok nitong kwarto ang lagutok ng pagtama ng palad niya sa pisngi ni Atlas. Agad namang napabaling sa ibang dereksyon ang ulo ni Atlas at kitang-kita ang pagbakat ng palad ni Beauty na mamula-mula sa pisngi nito.

"O, anong sinisinghap-singhap mong malandi ka? Gusto mo rin? O, eto para sayo!"

Hindi na ako nakakilos pa o nakapag-react bago tumama sa aking mukha ang sampal niya. Sobrang sakit ng sampal niya sa akin. Halos mabingi ako sa impact no'n. Agad kong naramdaman ang pangangapal ng aking pisngi at ang pag-init noon na para bang namuo ang dugo doon. Masakit. Masakit na masakit. Pero deserve ko 'to, e. 

Nanginginig kong hinawakan ang pisngi kong sinampal niya. "S-Sorry..." ayon lamang ang nagawa kong sabihin.

"Kailangan pa pala kitang sampalin para makapagsalita ka. E 'di sana kanina pa kita sinampal!" 

Muling niyang itinaas ang kamay at aambang sasampalin ulit ako. Pumikit na lamang ako at handa ng tanggapin ang sampal nang marinig kong galit na nagsalita si Atlas.

"Stop it, Beauty! Hindi tamang nananakit ka. Okay na akong sampalin mo h'wag lang si Olivia. She's still a child! And you don't have the right to hurt her in anyway!" galit na galit na sabi ni Atlas habang hawak-hawak ang nakataas na kamay ni Beauty. 

"Ha! I don't have the right? Are you fucking serious? I have all the right to slap her because she was kissing somebody else's boyfriend!" she said as she pointed at me angrily.

Beauty started thrashing violently. Sinusubukan niyang tanggalin ang pagkahahawak ni Atlas sa kamay niya para masugod ako. Gigil na gigil niya akong dinuduro at habnag sinusubukan naman niyang sipain si Atlas para makawala. Ang magandang pustura niti kanina ay nawala na sa sobrang galit. Ang buhok niya ay nagulo na at ang damit ay na bahagyang nalukot. At dahil sa kasisipa niya kay Atlas ay nabitawan siya nito, kaya nang makawala ay agad niya akong sinugod. 

Ang kamay niyang mahahabang kuko ay agad na lumipad sa aking buhok at sinabunutan ako. Hindi ko na naisip pang lumaban. Napahikbi na lang ako at sinubukang tanggalin ang pagkasasabunot niya sa akin. Nararamdaman ko na ang paghapdi ng aking anit. Bahagya niya ring nakakalmot ang aking pisngi. 

"Ano ba! Tumigil kana, Beauty! Calm the fuck down!" 

Agad namang inilayo ni Atlas sa akin si Beauty, pero bahagya niya akong nahila kasabay ng paghila sa kaniya dahil hila-hila niya ang aking buhok. Nakita ko ang pagsama ng iilan kong buhok sa kaniyang kamay nang magtagumpay si Atlas na mailayo siya sa akin. Pero hindi iyon naging madali dahil muli niya aking inabot at nagawang kalmutin sa braso. Agad kong naramdaman ang pagbaon ng kaniyang kuko sa aking balat pati na rin ang pagkaskas nito. Kitang kita ko ang unti-unting paglabas ng dugo mula roon. 

Sa dami kong natamo ngayon parang namamanhid na ako. Tulala ko na lamang tinitignan ang paglabas ng dugo mula sa kalmot. Hindi ko na maramdaman ang sakit at haptid nito. I feel so numb like I was empty vessel. Like, I was an iceberg in Antarctica, cold, numb, and just standing. And then, I started fading away. Hindi ko na alam ang nangyayari. Hindi ko na naririnig ang pagtatalo ni Atlas at ng kaniyang girlfriend.

Girlfriend.

My heart broke a little more as I think that he has a girlfriend. 

Atlas has a fucking girlfriend. 

Akala ko wala na akong idudurog pa. Pero ngayon, na mas lalong nag-sink in sa akin na may girlfriend siya. Parang mas nagurog ako nang pinong-pino. Parang kung iihip ang hangin ngayon madadala ako nang walang kahirap-hirap.

"Why are you here anyway? I thought—"

Mas lalo namang nagalit ang nobya niya dahil sa sinabi ni Atlas. Kung kanina ay lukot na ang mukha niya sa galit. Ngayon ay hindi na lalong maipinta ang mukha nitong pulang-pula.

"I came here because I pitied you! You begged me a hundred times to came here with you! And now that I'm here eto pa ang makikita ko?!" 

"What? Should I thank you for coming here? You were even seen with Malcolm!"

Their arguing started fading away in my ears. Unti-unting humina ang pagtatalo nila at ang sakit na lang sa puso ko ang aking napapansin. He begged her. Atlas Begged his girlfriend a hundred times to come here to the Philippines. He fucking begged.

Napakurap ako nang may tumahol at nang maramdaman ko ang malamnot na balahibo sa aking paa. Agad na tumulo muli ang luha ko nang magtama nag mata namin ng asong ibinigay ni Atlas. It was sticking out its tongue as it barks at me. Hinimod din niya ang luha kong tumutulo sa sahig, and at this moment, I was so glad I had thi dog. Kasi kahit papaano, I felt a little comfort. Na hindi ako nag-iisa ngayon. Na sa masakit na pangyayaring ito, may kasa-kasama ako ngayon.

"You skank! You are a dirty disgusting little whore! You are still a kid, a minor, yet you seduce older men! You are the dirtiest kind of whore I knew! You got no shame, no dignity, and no decency! You are so fucking dirty! You disgusting shit!"

Muling parang naglaho ang paligid sa akin, at ang tanging rumihistro sa akin ay ang mga sinabi ni Beauty. I'm dirty and disgusting. I'm so dirty and disgusting for kissing someone who's older and most especially, someone who has a girlfriend. There's no such thing much worst than me. 

Ako na talaga ang pinakamarumi sa lahat.

Pinakanakadidiri. 

I slowly lifted my trembling hands and looked at it blankly. I suddenly felt so dirty and disgusting. I was seeing black on my hands like my soul was so awful like I was trash. Like, my very soul was screaming how loathsome, detestable, terrible, and horrid person I am. 

My knees buckled as I felt weak. Unti-unti akong napaluhod habang nakayokong tulala. aware akong nagwawala pa rin si Beauty at pinipigilan pa rin ito ni Atlas, pero wala na talaga akong marinig. Hangang sa makita kong hinihila na si Beauty habang yakap-yakap ni Atlas sa beywang palabas ng kwartong ito. Hinid ko alam kung gaano ako katagal nakaluhod doon habang nakatulala. Basta't ang alam ko lang ay isa akong maruming tao. 

Patuloy na tumutulo ang luha ko habang ang aso ay nakaupo sa gilid ko at nakatingin sa akin. H'wag mo kong tignan na para bang isa akong mahiwagang bagay. Isa akong maruming tao. Nakadidiri ako. Hindi ako karapat-dapat na maging amo mo. Paano mapapalaki ng isang maruming tao ang isang anghel na kagaya mo? Baka mahawa ka alng sa akin. Baka marumihan lang kita.

I tried shooing the dog as I cry. From kneeling my knees gave in. Now, I'm pathetically slumping on the floor. The dog took my shooing hands as a joke. It thought that I was playing with it. Kaya imbis na lumyao ay nag-wiggle pa ang buntot niya at lumapit sa akin. Mas lalo naman akong naiyak sa hindi malamang dahilan.

"B-Bakit ba ang kulit mo?" 

Tumahol lang ang aso at mas lalong kinawag ang buntot niya. Natawa naman ako kahit pa naiiyak pa rin. Look at you naivety, doggo. You'll get yourself dirty if you come near me.

Nagulat naman ako nang biglang may malakas na suminghap. Agad na dumapo sa pintuan ang aking tingin kung nasaan si Prim na gulat na gulat. Nakahawak pa ito sa kaniyang nakabukang bibig at nanlalaki ang mata.

"What the fuck? What happened to you?!"

Umiling lang ako sa tanong niya. Dali-dali siyang lumapit sa akin at lumuhod sa aharp ko. Marahan niyang hinawakan ang baba ko at itinaas ang mukha ko para mas makita nang maayos ang lagay ko. 

"W-Who did this to you?" madiin at may galit niyang tanong sa akin.

Umiling lang ulit ako. Inayos ni Prim an buhok ko at sinuklay nang marahan. Nakita ko ang pag-igting ng panga niya nang makita ang medyo namamaga kong pisngi. Pati na rin ang kalmot sa aking braso. Napaigik ako nang kaunti nang pasadahan niya ng hinlalaki niya nag aking namamagang pisngi. 

"Come on, Oly. Tell me who did this to you. Pababaril natin kay daddy para naman may silbi ang pagiging sundalo niya rati." 

"No, I-I deserved this." garagal kong sabi.

"No, you don't! Please, tell me. Whoever did this to you won't see the next sunrise again."

Muli akong umiling sa sinabi niya. I won't tell her. Para saan pa? E, talaga namang deserve ko ito. Hindi na kailangang gumanti pa sa kahit anong paraan lalo na't kasalanan ko naman. Bumuntong hininga na lamang si Prim nang mapansing hindi ako magsasabi ni katiting na impormasyon.

"Are you okay?" marahang tanong niya sa akin.

Parang ayon yata ang hinihintay ng puso ko. Muling bumuhos lahat ng luha ko. Mas malakas at walang tigil kumpara kanina. Umiling-iling ulit ako habang umiiyak. Kung kanina ay namanhid ako bigla sa lahat ng sakit dahil sa pagkabigla sa mga pangayayari. Ngayon ay bigla bumuhos na parang isang malakas na bagyo sa akin lahat ng sakit. Parang switch 'yung tanong ni Prima.

"Fuck, of course, you are not okay. Stupid me." bulong ni niya habang yakap-yakap ako at marahang hinahagod ang likod ko.

I'm not okay.

I'm far from being okay. And I'm not sure if I would be okay again. 

~TBC~

Hi, miss me? Miss ko kayo! Sorry for not being able to update. Dami kasing gawain tapos bumagyo pa, and I had to reformat my laptop para maayos na siya. Kaya talagang natagalan ako bago makapag-update ulit. 

Kindly, bear with all the errors. This is a rough draft.

Feel free to share your thoughts, and keep safe, everyone.

Love lots! :>>