O L I V I A   V A L E Z

My days were filled with blues. My tears drenched my pillows. It could almost be like sea from my salty tears. Tears were salty, but it certainly felt sour to weep. Dad left for Spain the following day after our heated conversation. He didn't even tell me he's sorry. He didn't let me say I was sorry for pressing impossible things when he was tired. I didn't even know who was at fault.

Was it my fault for bringing my dream career up? 

Or was it my dad's fault for not listening to me?

But did I listened to his reasons why I can't? Perhaps, it was really my fault. I knew from the start that it was impossible. I understood very well why I couldn't be an architect. Before I even answered those entrance exam questions, I knew I needed to be an entrepreneur student. There was no need for a discussion. It was already a case closed.

I sighed as my thoughts flowed through the day. I put down Love as I slumped down the couch. I've been practicing like crazy for my recitals for the past few days. I thought it would let my mind away from our little fight. But whenever I took a break, it would barge into my brain and say, hello stupid, Little Girl!  

I kept looking back to our door. Hoping dad would come in from his business trip. I would apologize for my mistakes. I love my dad. I can't bear it when we are not okay. It felt wrong. Maybe, if we talked more calmly or when he's not tired from work, things may go better than the last time. Yes, Olivia. That's right. 

Siguro 'pagka-attend na lang niya ng recitals ko doon na lang ako makipag-aayos. Yup, that's better! I bet, when he heard me play, he would be proud. I thought I couldn't play Air on the G string by J. S. Bach, but look at me now! I already know how to play it well, and it's only two days from my recitals. I have enough time to still perfect it and to prepare more. Ms. Sally was also pleased with my drastic improvement. Even our maids here liked listening to me whenever I practice in our living room and garden.

My phone got my attention when it rang. My mood instantly went a little better when I saw who was calling. 

"Good evening, Libs! Or was it good evening?" I said happily.

"Good afternoon, Oly. And it's either good morning or evening here. It's dawn here right now."

"O, my bad." I giggled, "What do I owe this pleasure, Ms. Kings?"

"Nothing, Babe. I just missed you and Prim, but that bitch was not answering my call."

"Typical, Prim. Baka grounded na naman siya kaya bawal humawak ng phone." 

I could almost imagine Liberty rolling her eyes right now while shaking her pretty blonde hair. Liberty Kings was the perfect example of a living barbie doll. But she likes dying her hair brown when she lived here in the Philippines. Liberty said her appearance was too eye-catching, and I totally agree with her. Well, even if she colored her hair into different colors, she would still stand out. She's breathtakingly beautiful.

"Like she doesn't hide another phone with her," Libs said. I could hear the bitterness in her voice.

"Parang hindi ka naman nasanay kay Prim na laging missing in action?" 

She grunted and said, "But I miss you two badly! It's been months since I left there, and nabibilang ko lang sa fingers ko and pag-co-communicate namin."

"Hey, Ms. Conyo. Are you already forgetting Tagalog?" pang-aasar ko sa kaniya para makalimutan niya ang pagtatampo kay Prim.

"Kinda, I haven't interacted with any Filipino here in New York. It's always the American's here, and when we talk, we always speak in English too!"

I laughed, "Do you still remember how to sing Bahay Kubo?" I challenged her.

"O-Of course!" I heard her cleared her throat. "Bahay-kubo, kahit munti, ang halaman doon ay sari-sari. Singkamas at... mani? Sigarilyas at... mani?"

At this point, I was trying so damn hard not to laugh my ass out. Hindi naman siya mahilig sa mani ano? Mukhang puro mani lang ang tanim sa bahay kubo ni Liberty. OMG, I can't with this girl! 

"No, it's kape." sabi pa niya. Nagpatuloy siya sa pagkanta kahit mali-mali, and she seems confident with her gawa-gawang lyrics. "Sigarilyas at kape, sitaw, patanaw, patani. Bulalo, patola, sinigang, and other vegetables." 

Liberty Kings, what should I do with you?! Kailan pa nagkaroon ng gulay na patanaw? At kailan pa naging gulay ang bulalo? Ni hindi man lang kumalahati ang natama niya sa lyrics ng Bahay Kubo! Jusko, pagkauwi ng babaeng ito rito sa Pinas talagang pakakainin ko siya ng gulay sa bahay kubo.

Pulang-pula na ako ngayon sa kapipigil ng tawa ko. Sapo-sapo ko pa ang bibig ko para lang hindi matawa. I bit my lips as I felt the heat crawl into my ears. Ganoon ang naabutang sitwasyon ni Atlas nang pumasok siya ng bahay, at nang makita ako sa couch. Agad na nagtaas ang kilay niya. 

I cleared my throat and stood up. Pumunta ako sa kusina para doon ituloy ang tawag. Nakahihiya namang marinig niya ang kagagahan ni Liberty hindi ba?

"Gaga ka! Anong kape, patanaw, at bulalo? Saan mo naman napulot 'yang bahay kubo mo?"

"Duh, it's not a bahay kubo. Mine is a restaurant. That's why it has coffee and bulalo." pagdadahilan pa niya. Akala niya ba lulusot ang dahilan niya? Sinong maniniwala doon?

"Whatever, Libs." I rolled my eyes, but a happy smile was now plastered on my lips. She can instantly lift my mood like magic. That's why I love her so much. If I would have a sister, I want it to be Liberty. 

"Let's stop talking about that damn bahay kubo. I called you to tell you to record your performance at your recital. I really wish I could be there and watch you, but sadly I can't. You know my circumstances." Liberty said sadly.

My heart sank a little. Kahit medyo nasasanay na akong wala siya rito. Masakit pa rin pala talaga na maalalang hindi ko na siya laging mayayang lumabas o makakwentuhan palagi. Isa siya sa mga taong laging nandyan sa akin. 'Pagkulang ako sa atensyon o pagmamahal siay ang nagbibigay no'n. 

"I will," I said sadly.

"Come on, Oly. I didn't call you to make you sad! I bought your favorite flower. I think it would arrive on the same day as your recital. Anyway, I gotta go. I love you and take care!" Liberty made a smooching sound like she was kissing me goodbye.

"I love you too."

Halos mapasigaw ako nang pag-ikot ko ay nakatingin pala nang masinsin sa akin si Atlas. He was leaning on the wall of our kitchen wall as he looked at me intently. I looked at him confusedly. I walked towards the threshold of our kitchen, where he was near. I clutched my phone on my chest. Whenever I see him, my heart would always react differently. 

"I didn't know you had a boyfriend." he said when I almost pass him.

I instantly stopped on my track because of what he said. With my brows almost meeting each other, I looked at him sideways. Anong boyfriend? Anong pinagsasabi niya? Baka nalipasan ng gutom 'to? I gave him a confused look but didn't answer his accusation. Mukhang mas lalo siyang nairita sa hindi ko pagsagot. Saka kailangan ko bang sagutin 'yon? He wasn't even asking. He already assumed.

Atlas let out air and put her hands in his hips. He looked at me with disbelief. "How old are you, Little Girl? Sixteen? And you already have a boyfriend?"

"I'm almost seventeen. And teenagers can have a boyfriend if they want to." I said.

"What?" mas lalong sumama ang timpla niya dahil sa aking sinagot.

But I'm right. Teenagers, my age can have a boyfriend. It's not like we are going to do nasty stuff with our boyfriend—if I have one. There's nothing wrong with it. We just need to know our limitations. 

"Whatever," I whispered, "If you would allow me to excuse myself, I need to practice right now." I said with a sweet smile on my face that I'm sure would piss him off.

Sa tingin ko ito na rin ang magandang panahon para yayain siyang manood sa recital ko. For the past few days kasi masyado ang malungkot para yayain siya. At ngayon na magaan-gaan na ang pakiramdam ko— thanks to Liberty— naalala kong yayain na siya. 

"I would appreciate it if you attend my recitals in two days." I said it.

I finally said it.

Bago pa siya makasagot ng oo o hindi, agad akong nagmartsa palabas ng kusina. I know it's rude, but I think if he rejected my invitation, my sadness would eat me alive. And that would affect my performance big time. I don't want that. 

Two days passed by so fast, like a blink of an eye. I'm now standing on this enormous stage with my pretty babydoll champagne dress. My hand shook as I gripped Love. My palms started sweating, and my heart was now on my throat. I felt so alone now in this stage. It felt like I was standing on a thin iceberg in the middle of nowhere. One wrong step, and everything would crumble.

I felt so fucking alone.

Because I am alone.

No one came... Not Prima and her brothers. Not Atlas, and definitely not my dad. No one was here. 

I used to think that music halls were filled with magic— energy so bright and majestic that it could be called real magic. I thought every corner of this place would make my bones shiver from music and joy, would make my soul dance and sing. But now, it was just a quiet hallow place eating me alive. 

I could feel hot tears forming on the corner of my eyes. I can't move from pain right now. It felt like this emotional pain was numbing my body. I couldn't lift my hands to get in the position. I couldn't hear anything. All I know was that no one came. No one cared for me. No one loved me. Would it hurt them to attend? Would it cost them too much? Would it be a waste of time?

I could feel a pitiful gaze from Ms. Sally, who was standing on the side of the stage. Of course, I looked so miserable right now. I was alone in this prominent place. Alone in the center of this stage. The only thing that was watching me was the camera that was set to record my performance. I never thought that I would be thankful for a camera. Thanks to Liberty wanting a record of my routine, I could imagine someone was watching me. Someone wanted to see me play.

I was so happy when I woke up receiving my favorite flower from Liberty. Tama nga ang sinabi niya at dumating ito sa tamang araw. It was inside a glass box. The pink peony flower was preserved inside, and at the bottom of the glass, the words I love you were engraved. I was so damn happy and excited. But all those happiness dissolved like cotton candy on the water—all the sweetness was gone bland. 

Move your fucking hands now, Olivia. Stop this tragic event. Get it gone and move on.

I closed my eyes tightly—sealing away the unshed tears. I breathed in and put Love between my shoulder blades and chin. Let go now, Olivia. Concentrate. No one is watching you. You don't need that woeful gaze. 

I started playing without overthinking. I only listened to the melody and rhythm I was creating. Only listen to my crying soul together with the music. I let my heart shudder from sadness and tremble from the beat. I let my emotions out. No one was watching me. No one. It's okay. It's okay, Olivia. 

I never opened my eyes throughout my performance. I don't want to see that empty hall. I don't want to know the darkness of emptiness. I hated it... Hated it so much. My fingers hurt as I Kept pressing and gliding on the strings. But it was not enough to compare to my weeping heart right now. The piece I was playing was a happy one. However, I'm not sure if it sounded joyful or if it was near cheerful. 

I was gasping at the end of my performance. Ibinaba ko agad ang aking tingin sa sahig. Ayokong makita na walang nakaupo at nanonood sa akin. Pero nagulat ako nang may bumasag sa katahimikan ng bulwagang ito. A loud thunderous clap broke the silence indie this icy hall. The deafening silence was now gone. The darkness surrounding the four corners of this place has now lit up. It was like all the magic a music hall should have been cast.

Agad akong nag-angat ng tingin, at sinalubong ito ng mga namamanghang asul na mata. Lahat ng pinipigilan kong mga luha ay kusa nang nagsibagsakan. Para silang mga ulan sa gitna ng bagyo—malakas at walang tigil. Nandoon si Atlas, nakaupo sa gitna nang kawalan at pumapalakpak sa akin. I was ugly crying but I don't care. I was sobbing so hard that his clap was now slowing down. 

"Olivia, deary..." rinig kong wika ni Ms. Sally sa may kalayuan.

Mas lalo lang kumakas ang pag-iyak ko. Nahirapan pa ako dahil hindi ko mapunasan ang mga tumutulong luha sa aking pisngi, dahil sa hawak-hawak kong violin at fiddle stick. Para na akong nalulunod ngayon sa aking luha. Hindi ko alam kung mas maganda iyon kaysa sa malunod sa kalungkutan. Napapitlag ako nang may mainit na bagay ang pumunas ng aking maalat na luha. 

"You are unmistakably a little girl, Olivia. Look at how you cry like a baby." he said solemnly.

His big warm hands and voice comforted me. It felt like the sun finally showed itself after days of the continuous storm. Like the snow was finally melted, and summer is ready to welcome the world. Or, when the first time you ever drank a hot choco on rainy days. 

"I'm not a little girl. I'm already a big girl." I said, still sobbing while his thumb was on my eyes, wiping a tear.

I heard him chuckled, "Okay, if you say so. Big girls don't cry, Olivia."

"I know! I know..." 

I know, but I can't stop it! How can I stop these stupid tears from falling? How can I also stop this foolish heart from falling for you? Dahil sa pagsulpot mo nang akala ko wala ng kahit sino ang nandito para sa akin mas lalo akong mahuhulog sayo!

I thought my tears were the only thing that was unstoppable from falling. But I was so damn wrong because my heart was falling deeply now.

I was falling deeply and fast.

~TBC~

Poor Olivia! Invite mo kami next time nang may audience ka, bb. Anyway, I'm not sure kung makapag-double update ako this week. Pagagawa ko kasi itong laptop ko. Lagi kasing nawawala 'yung wifi adaptor.

Feel free to share your thoughts, and keep safe, Everyone.

Love lots! :>>