O L I V I A   V A L E Z

I can't look at myself. I was so ashamed of what I did! O, my god! What kind of devil possessed me last night? I wiped my face frustratingly using my palms. Ano bang kagagahan iyon, Olivia?

When I woke up this morning, the things I did, didn't sink in fully. It came rushing into my mind when I was showering. I could still remember how I bit my lips as I thrust my fingers inside me. I could still remember how beads of sweat formed on my forehead as I saw stars beneath my eyes as I came. I could still remember how my sex clenched and let out a hot sticky liquid as I gasped for air.

I did something bad, but why did it felt so good?

I must be going insane. Sabi na nga ba't hindi ako rapat nagsasama masyado kay Prim, e! That girl did influence me so bad. S-Should I consult Liberty? Should  I tell her? I think I can't do that! How could I bring myself to open my mouth and say, Hey, Libs! Guess who touched herself last night? Ugh! I'm so frustrated and embarrassed, but I can't deny the fact that I liked it! How can I not? It felt so good.

Now, I can understand why teenagers my age liked masturbating. It can give us the pleasure we cannot find in other things. I don't think I can keep this to myself. I felt like exploding, but I can't also tell this to others casually. Okay, Olivia, we're not going to say anything about it. Bite your lips if you need to stop yourself from spilling it, like how you tried to stifle your moans last night.

Kaninang nag-se-session kami ni Ms. Sally, ay parehas kaming hindi makatingin sa isa't isa. Hindi ako makatingin dahil feeling ko 'pag may nakatinginan ako mata sa mata, ay malalaman nila ang ginawa ko. Ewan ko sa reason ni Ms. Sally kung bakit hindi siya makatingin sa akin. I don't think she's the kind of woman who would be ashamed after what she did to my dad. I expected her to be happy and proud of it. I thought her smug smile would be plastered on her face all day. But it didn't show up. 

It's humiliating to say, but I think my fingers learned to work on my body faster than I can remember playing the violin. Mas natutunan ko pa ang mga masasarap na spot na hagudin. Nakahihiya talaga. Hindi yata nawala ang pagkamula ng aking pisngi habang tinuturuan ako ni Ms. Sally. Mabuti na lang talaga at mukhang may iniisip ding iba si witch kaya hindi na niya ako pinuna.

Kahit ngayon habang kumakain ako mag-isa ay hindi ito mawala-wala sa isip ko. Kung dati ay nalulungkot pa ako tuwing kumakain mag-isa sa malaking lamesang ito. Ngayon ay halos hindi ko na maisip ang kalungkutan na iyon. Ni hindi ko nga alam paano ko natiis na kumain dito mag-isa habang pinapanood ng mga katulong. Kahit ano namang yaya kong samahan nila ako ay hindi nila ginagawa. Kaya masaya ako tuwing may pasok sa school, because in school I have Liberty and Prima to eat with. And I can say, food became more delicious when you have someone to eat it with. That's also why I kept pestering dad about going to our province this summer vacation. 

At dahil sa mga iniisip ko nakalimutan ko ang pagkaayaw kong kumain mag-isa. Muntik ko pa ring makalimutan na darating nga pala ang team ni Ms. Elibera para sa preparation ng birthday ko. Sa pagkaaalam ko ay nasabi na naman ni dad ang gusto ko mangyari. Ngayon yata nila ipapakita sa akin ang plan na kanilang nabuo for my birthday party. Sakto namang pagkatapos kong mag-ayos ay dumating na rin sila.

I politely greeted Ms. Elibera and the team and guided them to our receiving area. 

"I'm pleased po that you guys have time to come here personally." I said as I pointed to the big sofa.

"Anything for you, Olivia!" masayang sabi naman ni Ms. Elibera habang ngumiti lamang ang mga kasama nito.

Sa lahat yata ng may gusto kay dad, si Ms. Elibera lang ang hindi ako iritado. But that doesn't mean that it's okay with me. Kahit kasi halata ang pagkagusto nito kay dad, 'pagnandito ako ay hindi niya ito pinapakita. She's maintaining herself professionally, and I kind of like it. It shows respect for me. Not unlike that witch. 

"Mr. Valez, send me the details of the venue already." May inabot siyang Portfolio sa akin. "And this is the design of the whole place that I came up with."

"I want it to look like an elegant beach party. Not too intimate and not too neon party, do you get me po?"

Ms. Elibera fished out her iPad and started writing down things. She quickly sketched another backdrop for my party, and I instantly like it. We also tackled the color scheme I want. Almost all of the details that needed to be tackled were settled, but we were having quite a hard time finding the right clothes for me to wear. I cannot wear formal and extravagant gowns because it is a beach party. I cannot also wear party clothes or just a bikini because it would look cheap. 

"I'll look for catalogs that will suit your birthday party's theme." sabi ng isa sa mga tauhan ni Ms. Elibera habang busy siyang nag-ta-take down sa kaniyang iPad.

"Thank you! I appreciate that a lot." I said politely.

We wrapped up all the things for my birthday, from my venue's decorations down to the tiniest details that we should do. But of course, my closets plan was still left unresolved. Baka maghanap kami nito ni dad nang stylist, para hindi na mahirapan ang team ni Ms. Elibera. Tutal ang specialty naman nila ay ang pag-aayos ng venue, pagkain, at flow ng program. Pero kasi minsan sila na rin ang naghahanap ng stylist at designer para sa kanilang client.

Bakit nga ba hindi na contact ni dad ang personal stylist at designer namin? Baka nakalimutan niya dahil sa kabusy-an niya sa trabaho. Anyway, I hope my grandparents will come. They are not personally okay with dad, and I don't know why. Dad never told me why his parents were distant and too formal to him and me. Well, hindi ko na masyadong iniisip 'yon dahil ang mag pinsan at ibang kamag-anak ay okay ang trato sa amin.

When the night came, the clouds turned into a beautiful dark oasis where stars swam in the dark. The unearthly moon floated at the center of the stars like it was the most magical among them. The silence of the night gave peacefulness to my soul. The trees were so still, along with the silence of the air. I spun the pencil between my fingers as I kept looking at the galaxy presented above to my naked eyes. 

"Do you know you were looking at the past when you looked at the stars at night?"

The pencil fell down the floor when I got surprised by the baritone voice that broke the silence. I spun my head towards him and saw Atlas Mate leaning on the wall—arms crossed over his muscular chest—while he was looking upon the magnificent night sky. His jaw was more defined, and his adam's apple looked prominent in that angle. 

"Mr. Mate..." I could not continue the words I wanted to blurt out because I got so fixated on him.

"Light takes too long to reach the atmosphere of the earth. That's why when we looked at the stars, in reality, years have already passed by. So when we looked at the sky, we are actually seeing was the past."

I tore my eyes off him and looked at the night sky again. "We can actually see the past...how amazing was that."

"Learned something new again from me, huh?" he said smugly, making me looked at him with knitted brows.

I rolled my eyes at him, but a smile was annoyingly trying to form on my lip. "Didn't know Architect Mate knows astrology."

"I'm a man full of surprises, Little Girl." He then winked at me.

Unable to hide the silly smile I was trying to stop a while ago—I looked away from him and started spinning the pencil on my fingers again. I realized that I'm good with my fingers if you knew what I meant. Okay, I should stop talking to myself—Malala na yata ako. 

Atlas walked towards me and pulled the chair beside me. When he settled on his seat, he reached my sketch pad that's lying on the marbled table here on our balcony. His eyes were so focused as he assessed my drawing. This is my first attempt to draw a house, and I used the notes he lent me. His blue eyes were so fixated on it, while I, on the other hand, was so distracted by him. Atlas Mate was undeniably gorgeous, even though he's old for my liking. I was so distracted by the slight curve of his lips, the way his sun-kissed long hair fall across his brows whenever he glanced at me, and then looked at my work again.

I can't even understand anything he was saying.

"I feel like a senior architect mentoring his junior." he chuckled happily as he said that, and I noticed how his eyes lighted up when he was talking.

"What can you advise to me, senior..." I smiled as a silly thought entered my mind. "Citizen?"

He looked at me offendedly. His lips were quite apart, and his hands were clutching his chest as I hurt him. I laughed at his hilarious reaction. It was so funny that I wished I was able to record it. Clutching my stomach as I gasp for air from laughing too hard, he smacked the table lightly.

"Excuse me, Little girl—"

"Dadaan ka po, Tatang?" panloloko ko pa lao sa kaniya.

"Hey, I'm still in my early thirties!"

I put my hand on my ear like I was trying to act to hear him clearly, "What? Did you said thirties or oldies?"

I laughed again when I saw him backing away while he covered his mouth using his hands. He even mouthed O, my god. Then, he shook his head like he cannot accept what I have said. OA ng matandang 'to. But honestly, I'm enjoying it. Na enjoy kong nakisasakay siya sa akin imbis na talagang magalit. Kung dati ay naiinis ako sa kaniya 'pag sa ganitong bagay, pero I find it cool na. I wonder what has changed?

"Kids these days." bulong nito, "I'm not an oldie! Baka papa mo 'yon." confident niyang sagot.

"Who were you talking about, il compagno?" 

Sabay kaming napalingon ni Atlas nang marinig ang boses na iyon. Nakatayo si dad sa entrance ng balcony, habang ang dalawang kamay ay nasa kaniyang baywang. Nanatiling seryoso ang mukha ni dad habang tinatanong si Atlas tungkol sa sinabi nito. Saglit na napunta sa akin ang tingin ni dad, pero agad kong iniwas ang aking mga mata.

I still hate the fact that he let that witch do that to him. I'm still upset about it. Hindi ko matingnan si dad ng hindi iyon na aalala. Kanina habang kami ay kumakain ng dinner, nanatili akong tahimik na kumakain at hindi nag-aangat ng tingin. Mabuti na lamang at hindi ako pinuna ni dad at Atlas. Mukhang marunong din naman palang bumasa ng mga bagay-bagay si Atlas. And knowing my dad, he wouldn't approach me and apologize. He may love me dearly, but he's an awkward parent who found it hard to say he's sorry to his daughter. 

"I'm not saying anything about you."

"I didn't say that you were talking about me. I'm asking who you were talking about, but I think I got my answer."

"No!" defensive na sabi ni Atlas. Tumayo siya at umakbay kay dad. "Ang sabi ko, and oldies na ng Jack Daniels ng papa niya. Rapat doon at iniinom na." Sabay turo sa akin. 

Siniko lang siya ni dad sa sikmura kaya bahagya siyang napaatras. Tumalikod na si dad at bahagya siyang nilingon, at iginalaw ang ulo na para bang nagyaya kung saan. Agad naman ngumisi si Atlas sa ginawa ni dad, at patakbong sumunod. Bago siya tuluyang makalayo ay kumaway muna siya sa akin saka binilisan ang paghabol sa nauuna kong tatay.

Naiiling kong iniligpit ang gamit ko at pinasok 'yon sa kwarto. Napagpasyahan ko na lang na kamustahin si Liberty kahit hindi ako sigurado kung maka-re-reply agad siya. Mukhang wala siyang ginagawa ngayon kaya naman ay agad siyang nag-reply sa akin. Hangang ngayon ay wala siayng alam sa nangyaring halik sa party with her half-brother. Hindi ko pa rin kasi nababanggit at mukha pati si Felix ay hindi rin sinabi sa ate niya. 

Naalala ko pa ang chat niya sa akin kinabukasan noon. Naalala ko 'yung kabang aking naramdaman habang tinititigan iyon sa inbox ko. Ilang oras ko ring iniwan 'yon sa inbox bago naglakas loob na buksan. Felix was indeed a good guy. He asked me if I was fine first before asking about the kiss. He said he was cool with it, but If I found it unrespectful, then he's sorry. I appreciated the gesture. Kaya naka move on na rin ako about doon. 

Hindi ko napansing medyo lumalalim na pala ang gabi dahil sa pagdadaldalan namin ni Libs. Nang mapagpasyahan niya ng magpaalam dahil may gagawin na raw siya, ay saka ko lamang naramdaman ang uhaw ko. Imbis na iutos sa katulong ang pagkuha ng tubig, napagpasyahan kong ako na lang ang kukuha ng sariling tubig. Tahimik akong bumaba, pero napatigil ako sa pagkuha ng tubig sa refrigerator nang makarinig ng dalawang baritong boses. 

Sinilip ko ang bar area na malapit sa kitchen namin. Naabutan kong seryosong nag-uusap ang dalawa habang may sarisariling basong hawak. Atlas was leaning on the bar counter while holding his glass lowly and lazily, while a lit cigarette was in between his finger. My dad was sitting on the stool, legs crossed to one another, and his right arm was resting on the counter while holding his glass.

"Why aren't you talking to your daughter?"

Dad sipped his drink before answering, "I'm ashamed. How can I talked about that to my daughter?"

"Olivia may be a teenager, but she isn't a kid, Oliver." 

Wow, coming from someone who kept calling a little kid? I moved a little closer so I would be able to hear them clearly. Nagulat pa ako nang makitang pumasok si Tessa sa kitchen at nakatingin sa akin nang may pagatataka sa mata. Agad kong inilagay sa labi ko ang daliri ko para sabihin h'wag siyang maingay. Nag-aalinlangan man ay tumango siya at tumalikod na. 

"I know, but I don't think she's ready about it."

"Are you going to wait until she's ready? You're what? Thirty-three? Thirty-four? Kailan ka pa maghahanap ng makasasama mo sa buhay? Baka abutin ka ng cuarenta bago ka makapag-asawa?" humithit ng sigarilyo si Atlas at naiiling na ibinuga ang usok.

"I'm not in a hurry, Atlas. And Olivia is much important right now than finding a girl."

"Come on, Dude. Wala ka pang ibang nagiging babae sa buhay mo simula ng mamatay si Odette. I'm sure Odette doesn't want you to be lonely. Lalo na ngayong hindi naman kayo in good terms ng magulang mo."

Dad stared at his glass, "I have another girl in my life after Odette...I have Olivia. And as of the moment, she's all I need."

My heart sunk at that. I hate myself. I hate myself for being this immature about it. I know my dad is single, and he had all the rights to find another woman besides my mom to love. But I can't still accept that simple fact. Here I'm getting mad at him about what happened, but there he is, understanding and sacrificing things for my sake.

"Kahit fling ayaw? Baka magkasakit ka niya dahil wala ka nang labas? O hindi kaya ay mabuntis mo 'yang kamay mo?"

Namula ako sa aking narinig. Nakita kong binato ni dad si Atlas ng yelo na saktong tumama sa mukha niya. Bakit ang awkward 'pag nakaririnig ng ganoong bagay about sa magulang? I can't take hearing such a thing! Damn that old man. Napaka-bad influence!

"I'm too busy." simpleng sagot ni Dad.

"Too busy? No need kana namang maghanap, e. Mukhang willing naman si Ms. Roma na kahit fling lang." 

Agad na kumunot ang noo at kumulo ang dugo ko sa naririnig kong pinagsasabi ni Atlas. I heard my dad groaned. Sinilip ko ang ginagawa nila at nakita kong sabay na uminom ang dalawa.

"I talked to her about what she did." bumuntong hininga muna si dad bago itinuloy ang sasabihin, "I told her never to do that again or else I'll fire her."

"Bakit kasi hindi ka nag-react agad?"

"I'm trying to ignore it. What do you expect me to do? Make a scene? I don't want Olivia to know."

"Too bad, she still did."

"Yeah."

Nag-cheers ang dalawa at sabay na uminom. Dad played with his drink by swirling it slowly. Atlas looked at him while his cigarette was still on his lips. He took a hit and then pressed it slowly on the ashtray. 

As Atlas kept on pressing the cigarette in a circular motion, he said, "Hindi ba napupudpod ang kamay mo?'

Hindi ko na hinintay sumagot si dad, dahil hindi ko yata kakayanin marinig ang magiging sagot niya. Saka bakit ba ganoon ang mga tanong ng matandang iyon? ANg kamay niya ba hindi na pupudpod ka-ma-masturbate niya? Mukha pa naman siyang mahilig magganoon! Pero sa itsura niyang gano'n. I don't even think he'll need to use his own hands. Someone will gladly jump to his bed.

Ano ba 'tong mga pumapasok sa isip ko? Kasalanan 'to ng matandang 'yon, e!

Remember to kill him this morning, Olivia.

~TBC~

Pudpod nga ba ang kamay ni Daddy Oliver?

Please, bear with the grammatical errors. This is a rough draft.

Feel free to share your thoughts, and keep safe, everyone.

Love lots! :>>