O L I V I A   V A L E Z

I was floating in the vast midnight sky full of stars and luminous moon standing proudly in the middle. It was dark, yet the light was trying to make its way in creating a breathtaking dark blue sky. I could feel the chilly air of the night and day mingling. The darkness gave me an eerie feeling permeating my whole being, but the stars giving faint twinkling light made it so fascinating. 

The next thing I knew was...I was falling hard.

That was the feeling I felt as I was staring at his heavenly penetrating gaze probed into me.

And when he spoke using that authoritative thundering voice, I swear my whole being shaken along with the corners of the hall. My heart crumbled, and I tell thee, my soul shivers for him.

"What are you doing here?" His deep voice is compelling now at the core of who I am like he can resonate with the entirety of me while others can only do a fragment of all that.

If I was in my normal state, I'm sure I'd already sent him my cynical response in my head. But I was too stunned at the view he was giving me. He was like a fallen angel ready to drag me and rebel against the sky to fight the sin we will commit. The shadow in his majestic face made him sinfully desirable like a rose full of thorns in the garden—seducing you to prick yourself to its thorn, to get your hands into it like the blood you'll shed is all worth it. 

"I...Umm." I swallow audibly. I can't find my strength to answer him, and it was like his eyes were sucking all my rational senses. Fuck it, Olivia! Just answer the goddamn question.  "I-I was passing by?" 

What the fuck? Why did that end up like a question when it was supposed to be a normal response. Napangiwi ako dahil sa katangahang aking ginawa. Ano ba naman 'yan! Napaka-simple lang naman ng kaniyang tanong, pero to ako at hirap na hirap sagutin iyon nang maayos. All it took was just one look, and I was already damn. Already lost into the depth of uncertainty, nothing to hold on to, and just a continuous falling and swirling. 

"What? Are you a ghost?" 

"No!" Atlas Mate was mocking me, and for the first time, I cannot find any rebut that will ignite a heated conversation between us. " I just want to drink water." That was a lame excuse, but I cannot think of anything else. 

"I did not know the balcony was now the new kitchen."

I hated how he was taking the lead right now, but what can I do? I was still so flummoxed by him. He was topless, standing proudly on our balcony, his right hand clenching the phone a little tightly. In the glow of the moonlight emanating through the glass door, the skin of his naked shoulders shone silver. Defining the well-toned muscles that were obviously created by hard work. 

I surveyed the horizon for clues as to how far away dawn could be, and a long juncture of listening revealed that everybody else in the household was still asleep apart from us. I needed the distraction of the sky to tore my eyes away from his glorious body serve upon me. I needed the silence from the midnight atmosphere to make my mind at rest, to stop it from wandering into a lustful world. 

Atlas's head rollback, tensing the great thick muscle into his neck.

I mastered all the courage left in me, "Who were you talking?"

I know I should not ask that. It was not my business at all, but I do not know what had gotten into me. Hindi ko talaga alam bakit lumabas ang tanong na iyon sa aking bibig. Gusto kong murahin ang aking sarili sa pagiging chismosa. Hindi naman talaga ako mahilig mag-usisa sa mga bagay-bagay na walang kinalama sa akin, pero pagdating sa kaniya, parang gusto kong malaman lahat. And I know that was bad. 

"That's none of your business, Little girl." Atlas's voice was far from his usual teasing tone, and it was full of warning.

"It's just a harmless question, Mr. Mate."

"Harmless or not, it's still none of your business." One heavy brow slanted in strong disapproval, and that was my cue to stop pestering him. 

"Whatever."

"Go to bed, Little girl. It would be best if you slept early to grow more." his glare traveled with unnerving thoroughness to me. 

I should have feel insulted rather than flushing here. Na baliw na yata talaga ako. The picture of him standing topless on our balcony did not leave my mind. Hangang pagtulog ay dinalaw ako nito, hindi ko alam kung matatawag bang magadang panaganip 'yon o isang bangungot. In my dreams, he was not just standing spectacularly. Rather, Atlas Mate was walking towards me with a dangerous smirk upon his sexy red lips. His eyes burned fanatically, devouring me. 

"Stop!" 

I blinked and inventoried my surroundings. Ms. Sally Roma's face plastered a forced smile. Halos nakangiwi na nga ang kaniyang labi kapipilit na ayusin ang ngiti. Nakakunot din ang noo niya, at tinitignan ako na para bang hindi niya malaman ang gagawin sa akin. 

"Deary, did you eat your breakfast?"

Ibinaba ko ang violin ana nakapwesto sa aking baba. I bit my lip and sighed. The weightless fiddlestick seems heavy into my hands. I scratched my head and sighed again. Hindi ko alam kung pang-ilang beses na bang buntong hininga iyon. My mind keeps on wandering to the balcony, especially to that man. 

"Yes."

"Do you want to take a break?"

I just nodded at pagod na ibinaba sa couch ang violin kong pinangalanan kong Love. Kanina pa kami nagsisimula sa unang lesson ko sa pagtugtog ng violin, at kanina pa rin lumilipad ang utak ko. Wala ako sa tamang huwisyo para ipasok lahat ng itinututo ni Ms. Sally. Ni ang pasimpleng malditahan siya ay hindi ko magawa, kahit nga ang mainis sa kaniya ay hindi ko rin magawa. Nandito nga ako, nakaupo at nakikinig pero ang utak at kaluluwa ko ay naglalakbay. 

Uminom ako nang malamig na tubig, baka sakaling matauhan ako sa lamig ng tubig, pero habang umiinom and utak ko ay pumupunta na naman sa kaniya. Ugh, ano ba naman 'yan! Focus, Olivia. Focus! 

I felt Ms. Sally's presence behind me. I composed myself first before turning to her—hesitation and irritation dance on her eyes. Nilalaro ng kaniyang daliri ang kaniyang locket necklace habang nakatingin sa akin. Para bang matutulungan siya ng kaniyang kwintas sa mga bagay na tumatakbo sa kaniyang isip. 

"Do you want to end the lesson for today? It seems like you are not ready yet."

I wouldn't say I liked that she said that I was not ready to learn anything today. I hated that she was right. I hated that I was making a fool of myself in front of this witch. I pinched my hand, using my nails to inflict pain on myself. Baka sakaling magising ako sa katangahang ginagawa ko. Baka sakaling pagnasaktan ako ay bumalik ang katinuan ko sa akin. 

I smiled at her using my perfect-for-show-smile, "No, let us proceed."

Pumwesto akong muli sa kinatatayuan ko kanina, habang hawak-hawak si Love sa kaliwang kamay at ang fiddlestick sa kanan. Should I name my fiddlestick too? Hmm, that's a great idea. 

"Put your violin between ten and eleven o'clock."

I did as she said. I lifted my shoulder a little where my Love rested. Hindi kasi ako gumagamit ng shoulder rest. Gusto ko kung matututo ako ay simula sa pinakamahirap para hindi ako madaling sumuko. Ako kasi 'yung tao na pagnadalian sa isang bagay ay mabilis ko itong bibitawan. Saka kung matututo ka ng isang bagay bakit hindi pa sa pinakasimula. Everything has its process, walang instant. 

"Good, now put this on your violin." 

Ms. Sally gave me a dot sticker in colors: red, yellow, green, blue, and orange. Inilalagay ito para mas madali kong malaman kung saan ko rapat ilalapat ang aking mag daliri. Itinuro na niya sa akin kanina kung saan ba rapat ilalagay, kaso lumilipad nga ang utak ko kaya hindi ko na maalala. Alanganin akong ngumiti at tinignan siya. Nakahihiyang mag tanong ng bagay na naituro na niya, pero karapatan ko naman bilang student niya ang magtanong. 

"Where should I put this again?"

Itunuro niya sa akin kung saan dapat ilalagay iyon. Hindi naman pala kailanagn na lahat ay ilalagay, at mas maganda ring magkaiba ang kulay para mas mabilis kong malaman kung anong dalirin ang ilalapat. I choose to put colors red and yellow to symbolize power and motivation. Para pagnakita ko iyon ay mahiya naman akong hindi makinig. 

After naming mailagay ang sticker, itinuro naman niya nag mga strings. Kung na saan nakapwesto ang strings E, A, D, and G at kung anong pitches ang nililikha nang mga ito. Ikinakalabit ko pa lamang isa-isa ay alam ko ng hindi madaling tugtugin nag violin. Marunong akong mag-piano kaya medyo nadalian akong kabisaduhin ang mga strings, pero alam kong mahihirapan ang sa pagpindot at paglikha ng tunog.

Tumagal pa ng isang oras ang aming lesson bago ito na tapos. Pagkalabas ko sa room kung saan ako nag-aaral ng violin, ay hindi ko nakita si Mr. Mate. Kahit ang anino nito ay hindi ko mahagilap. Baka magsisimula na siyang magtrabaho? Hindi ko alam pero mukha naman siyang walang inaasikaso nitong mga nakaraang araw. Well, baka about sa trabaho ang tawag kaninang madaling araw? However, if its from work, why would the call be in midnight? That's informal in any angle. 

Being polite and prim and proper me. Hinatid ko si Ms. Sally sa pintuan kung saan naghihintay ang kaniyang sasakyan. Nagpasalamat ako at nginitian siya. Hindi iyon pakitang-tao o ano pa man. Talagang thankful ako na ginawa niya nang tama ang kaniyang trabaho, at ibinahagi sa akin ang kaniyang kaalaman. Ayon nga lang, mas gusto ko talaga ang mga instructors na mahigpit. Mas madali akong matututo at madidisiplina sa pag-aaral. Tough love. 

Nang magtanghali na kumain ako nang mag-isa. Halos isang minuto ang pagitan ng aking mga subo dahil lumilipad na naman ang aking utak. I can sense our maids stares at me. I know na nagtataka sila sa aking inaasal, pero walang nagtangkang magtanong sa kanila. I am friendly towards them, but they know the rules in the dining room. Bawal istorbuhin ang employer mo habang kumakain biglang respeto. 

Tinignan ko si Tessa na siyang nakatayo kaharap ng nanay niya. Bata pa ito pero tumutulong na sa gawaing bahay, kaya napagdesisyunan ni Dad na i-hire ito para maswelduhan ang pagtulong sa mansion. Si Dad din ang nagpa-a-aral dito sa isang pribadong paaralan. Gusto ko mang parehas kami ng school na pasukan, alam kong hindi ito makatutulong sa kaniya. Hindi naman sa pagiging judgemental, pero parang ganoon na rin. Maraming spoiled brat na bully sa mga elite schools kayulad ng pinapasukan ko. Everything is all about money and influence for most of the students there. 

"Join me." 

Agad naman itong umiling at namula pa ang pisngi. "Nakahihiya naman po, at saka tapos na rin naman kami kumain, Ma'am Olivia."

"Ano ka ba! Olivia na lang. Hindi naman nagkalalayo ang edad nating dalawa." 

Ngumiti lamang ang nanay ni Tessa sa aking sinabi, pero na natili itong tahimik na nakatayo. Muli kong niyaya si Tessa pero ayaw talaga nito, kaya nagpatuloy na lamang akong kumain. Papasok na sana ako ng aking kwarto nang matapos kumian, nang biglang tumunog ang aking cellphone. I saw an international number on my notification at alam kong si Liberty iyon.

May number na pala siya. Ito kasi ang unang beses na mag-te-text siya, we always talk using our social media accounts. Binuksan ko ang text at  magandang balita agad ang bumungad sa akin. 

Oly! I've already got my schedule for an interview at the university that I've applied to. Wish me luck. 

Excited naman akong ni reply-an siya pero wala pala akong load para sa international network. Naisip kong sa chat na lamang mag-reply.

OMG! I wish you all the luck in the world, but I know you can do it even without it. Ikaw pa ba? Liberty Kings yata 'yan.

When I entered my room, naglakbay na naman ang aking utak. Ilang months na lang at college na ako pero wala pa rin akong propesyong gustong pag-aralan. I mean, do I even need to think about it? Eto na lahat, o. Nakalatag na sa paanan ko, sinimento na ni Dad and baku-bakong daan para hindi na ako mahirapan. Ang kailangan ko na lamang gawin ay ang tahakin ito nang hindi sumusuko. But, why do I feel incomplete? Dahil ba wala akong pangarap?

Tumagilid ako sa pagkahihiga sa malambot kong kama, at niyakap ang naabot na unan. I buried my face into the soft and fluffy pillow as I felt a hollow in my stomach eating my insides away. One's dream is important. When things get hard and when life is testing you, your dreams for yourself or your family will keep you going. How about those people like me? How will I keep striving if I don't have dreams to work for? 

I do not feel like I was actually living. I feel like a soulless human just breathing to be called a living person. I feel numb, and I feel drifting apart from the world where everyone was living their life to the fullest, where people fight for what they want, and where they experience pain but still get up for another day. I want to be part of that world. 

I stat up violently. I wanted to feel something by hurting myself and throwing things that my hand will grab. I was about to reach for the lamp, but I noticed four little red slices on my palm. It was the marks that have been left a while ago when I tried to make myself focus on the lesson. Nahinto sa ere ang aking kamay sa pag-abot dahil sa nakita. I don't want scars on my body, but I cannot help to inflict physical pain on myself. Ibinaba ko ang aking kamay at napagdesisyunang huwag nang magwala. 

I have another way to make my mind at ease rather than playing with music. Tumayo ako at binuksan ang drawer at kinuha ang drawing pad ko at ang four B Staedtler graphite pencil. Lumabas ako ng aking kwarto at tinahak ang daan papunta sa balcony. Hindi ko itatangging umasa ako nang kaunti na makikita ko siyang nakatayo roon at nag-ci-cigarette, pero wala siya doon. Simula kaninang umaga ay hindi ko na talaga siya nakita.

Hinila ko ang umupaan at umupo. Itinaas ko ang aking paa at isinandal doon ang sketch pad ko. As I opened my pad, all I can see was human body parts and organs fused with nature. Human heart with roses blooming from it, lungs with waves, eyes contains galaxy and naked bodies. My anatomy book inspired my drawings, and I felt like every organ we possess has its representation in nature. 

I started working with my art using different strokes and shadings. One man stayed in my mind as my hand works its magic with my pencil and paper. I drew the line of his shoulders lightly yet skillfully and added details on the muscles. The powerful and well-toned muscles from his neck and back were amusing to draw. As my pencil drew the line of his back, it felt like my fingers were running into his real body. It was like I could feel the heat of his body, the hardness, and the slight roughness of his skin. 

My hand worked to the next element that will make this art astonishing. The wings were about as tall as he was, arcing off his shoulder in a parabolic reflector. In his heaving back, each long, narrow feather tensed and powerful. They hammered up against each other: those glorious wings and the lustrous white gleam, more silver above than below. The smaller feathers intertwined exquisitely with, the larger ones as they formed the elegant, narrowing arc toward the bottom rim, creating a heavenly sinful appearance.

I was adding shading to make the drawing of his wing back more defined; when a baritone voice suddenly whispered in my ears.

"You like heavenly bodies, huh?"

Napapitlag ako dahil sa boses at sa hininga niyang dumapo sa aking tainga. I swear, the hair in my neck and back stood up because of it. Naamoy ko rin ang magkahalong mint and sigarilyo sa kaniyang hininga. Rapat ay mababahuan ako, pero I found it addictive and manly on him. Napalingon ako sa kaniya at nagulat ako sa lapit ng mukha niya sa akin. Ilang pulgada na lang at magtatama ang labi ko sa panga niyang perpekto sa pagkahuhubog. Napaawang ang aking bibig sa gulat. Naka yuko si Mr. Mate at ang mga bughaw na mata ay nakatutok sa aking guhit. 

Inilagay niya ang kamay niya sa aking gawa at pinasadahan. "You have the talent, Little Girl. Are you planning on taking something related to arts?" 

Napalunok bago siya sinagot, "No." ang mga mata ko ay hindi iniwan ang mukha niya.

I could stare at him forever, and I would never get tired of it.

Atlas Mate just hummed as an answer to my response. Kinuha niya ang sketch pad ko at dumiretsiyo nang tayo. Namaywang siya at pinakititigan ang gawa ko. Now, I am relieved that I did not dare draw his face even if I want to. I do not know how I will react if he saw that I was sketching his face. If that happened, I would want the ground to eat me and never spit me out. 

Hangang tumatagal ang titig niya ay kinakabahan ako. What if he realized that it was his back? The back I saw that magnificent midnight. The back that drove me crazy. The back that made my world stop. 

What if he realized? I'm doomed.

~TBC~

Since once a week lang ako mag-update, I tried to make the minimum of each chapter two thousand words. Gustuhin ko mang twice a week mag-update, hindi talaga kaya ng schedule ko. Happy one hundred thousand reads sa SA#1! As promised, gagawa ako ng special chapter so hinaty-hintay na tayo. 

Every part of this novel is a rough draft, so please bear the grammatical errors and technicalities.

Feel free to share your thoughts, keep safe everyone!

Love lots. :>>