*Brendon POV*

I read the note written in Ryan's handwriting that was laying on our bed. A vacant Ryanless bed. My tears fell on the partially crumpled looseleaf paper. Not only did I cheat on the love of my life, but when I proposed he was so hurt he said no....

Wait.

He didn't say no. I had no idea where he was going there or what he would do in Vegas, but I had to go after him. "If you love me, let me go," echoed in my head. No, Ryan, I can't let you go. I love you too much to let you go because I worry too much. I miss you too much and frankly it hurts too much to be away from you, but not as much as it hurt to know that I've hurt you.

I had to go after him. I had to. I quickly started packing a bag in a hurry. I'm not losing him. There is no way I'm ever going to cheat on him again, ever.

I told Patrick, "I need to go after Ryan to Las Vegas. I have to. I messed up so bad and I need to make it right."

He pulled me into a hug, "Do what you have to do."

I nodded and took the keys and drove to the airport. I wondered if there was still time left. I needed time.

The traffic was brutal, but I made it. I ran up to the counter begging for a ticket and asking when the next plane left. She said it just left. I missed him, but I'm still going to Vegas to find him. He has family there so maybe that was where he was. I paid for a ticket and sat down on the bench, eagerly tapping my foot onto the tile floor.

That's when I decided to at least call him. Maybe he might answer, but either way I was going to leave a message. That's when I heard the familiar ringtone he set for me. It was the sound of me singing one of his songs. He answered the phone, "Hello?"

I ran to where the sound occurred. It was faint from all the loud noise. I was determined to find him. He said again over the phone, "Hello?"

I saw him. I sprinted towards him and hugged him. I knocked him onto a seat, but I didn't care. "Ryan! You haven't left yet!"

He simply said, "Brendon, you need to let go of me."

"No. I won't let go of you. I am in love with you, Ryan Ross. Please don't give up on me."

He looked away from me, "I gave up on you because you gave up on me."

Tears were forming in his eyes. It hurt to hear him say that. I took his jawline and pulled it so he was facing me, "I haven't given up on you yet. That's why I'm here now. If you want to even out the score and cheat on me or take a break from me, it's okay. But just know my offer is still up. There will never be a time I wouldn't want to marry you because goddamn I love you more than life itself."

"Brendon...."

"I mean it. I just want you to be happy."

"By cheating on you isn't going to make me happy, Bren. At this point I'm not even sure what happiness is. I've been lying to myself saying being with you was happiness, but then there is Dallon or Sarah who just ruin that whole thought process. Believe me, I love you, but I can't keep living this way. Maybe if you prove to me I can trust you then yes, I'll happily marry you. I'd still love to marry you, but I just need a break. I need a little break from the world. I appreciate you coming here to stop me and tell me that, but my mind is still set."

"So it isn't a no? And it isn't a yes? You love me? But you don't?"

He nodded, "Exactly. I know it's complicated, but hopefully in no time it won't be as complicated. I do love you, but I don't love you like I loved you yesterday. That love will be regained, I'm sure, just not now. It's...too soon... I don't have an answer to marriage yet besides a maybe. Of course I want to marry you, but the you I used to know.... Not this person you are leading out to be."

I nodded. I was tearing up, "I really do love you, Ryan. I just need you to know that."

I grabbed my stuff and ran out of the airport. I was bawling. I didn't want him or anyone to see me this way. I really messed up. My forehead rested on the top of the steering wheel as I weeped.

I literally felt as if I was being stabbed, over and over, repeatedly. I could only imagine how Ryan must feel... I understood his choices entirely, but I hated myself for the mistakes I made. I banged my head against the steering wheel. I was so mad that I felt the only way to feel better was punishment to myself. I'm just a huge fuck up who doesn't know what he has until he loses it.

I drove home. I didn't want to do anything besides lay in my bed and cry myself to sleep. I was about to do just that, then my phone rang. My heart rate increased, believing it might be Ryan, but it wasn't.... It was Gerard. I said, "Hello?"

"Hey Brendon, it's Gerard."

"Oh...hi..."

"Wait what's wrong?"

"Ryan is going off to Las Vegas because he needs a break from me...so we are taking a break. We possibly have broken up and it's all because I told him the truth."

"Oh my god....I'm so sorry.. Do you want to go get a drink of some sort?"

"I'd honestly rather go back to the diner so I can eat my feelings and we can talk."

"I'll come and pick you up. I'm really sorry, man..."

"Thank you though...I'll see you soon..."

I didn't want to do anything, but maybe Gerard could take my mind off things. Speaking of, why did he call me in the first place?

Soon enough he was here. I was a total mess, but he didn't care. Patrick and Pete weren't even home they left to go somewhere. I don't even know where. As soon as I open the door to the red-headed man I collapsed into him for a hug. I sobbed into his chest, "Gerard...I messed up so bad... I know we just met, but thank you for being here..."

"Well I need one way or another to get to know the band that's going to go on tour with us. Plus you are a really cool guy, Brendon. Come on let's go. Let's get away."

I nodded as we walked to his car. I was sniffling. I was so upset. As he started driving down the street, I said, "I just want to die. I don't want to live in this world anymore without him... I know I screwed up and I don't know what came over me. I don't deserve to live anymore."

He stopped dead in the street, "Don't you dare ever say that! Just because you made a fucking mistake does not mean you don't deserve to live anymore! You have every right to live as the next person! Everyone makes mistakes! That's what makes us all human, Brendon!"

I stared at him and wiped my eyes, "You're right...but I just feel like dying."

"I used to feel like dying all the time, but look at me. I'm still living. Like I wrote, 'I'm not afraid to keep on living. I'm not afraid to walk this world alone.'"

As he continued to drive I asked him, "You are a huge inspiration in music...and I'd just like to ask..can we play My Chemical Romance songs and sing along to them together?"

He laughed, "If that'll make you happy, of course."

I pulled out my phone and connected it to the Bluetooth in his car so I could put mcr on shuffle. First song that came on was "The Ghost of You". I watched him sing the beginning so intricately as he stared ahead at the street. May I remind you that Gerard Way is my idol so of course as any hardcore fan would do in this situation, I cried. I sang along with him while sobbing, "Never coming home, never coming home."

He asked, "Are you crying?"

"Just give me a minute."

He continued singing. His voice was just as amazing in person. I really really liked him. If I wasn't trying to get the love of my life back, I would've kissed him. Yeah I would have. I'm a terrible person for even thinking of the idea, but I can't walk this world alone. I am afraid. I just needed someone to be there for me. To take the memories away.

The childhood memories of telling my parents I'm gay and their reaction of needless beating hurt. It didn't even hurt as much as hearing Ryan tell me, while quoting an mcr song, "I don't love you like I loved you yesterday."

I said to Gerard, "Please just take the pain away...take my mind off of him..."

Then I remembered something and asked him, "Wait why did you call me in the first place?"

He paused, "It's nothing. Don't worry about it. How about I tell you a story? It's about how I found the diner in the first place..."

"Oh yeah? I'm listening."

"So it happened after a show in Chicago. We just finished singing and I yelled a good night to everyone. Frank kissed me on the cheek. I was angry at him. I walked off stage not wanting to see him. He didn't know why, but I was kind of done with the whole tease act for the fans. We walked off stage and I kissed him. It wasn't like a little peck on the lips, but more like I grabbed his waist and shoved him against the wall while I made out with him. He didn't try to leave my hold, but kissed me back instead. It was back in the Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge when we first realized we had feelings for each other. Somewhere around The Black Parade era is when we said we can't keep seeing each other like that so we would continue our nonchalant flirting on stage and random kissing, but near the end of the tour at a Chicago show is when I couldn't take it anymore, which is when I made out with him backstage. I was so confused and I had to get away. I rented a car and drove and drove until I reached the diner. It was my getaway of confusion. The two of us together is still confusing. We've never fully found out what we are. It's like we are dating, but we aren't at the same time."

"I know that confusion...but wow Gerard, that's really intense."

"Yeah, I know. I wish something could happen that would help me realize what we are."

"You'll know when the time is right. I realized Ryan was the love of my life when I noticed I might lose him. Of course I probably did lose him..."

Gerard shook his head, "I don't think you did yet."

"Yet..."

He turned the music up. The song was, "Famous Last Words." I started singing along, "I see you lying next to me with words I thought I'd never speak."

Gerard also joined in. We were laughing and joking. Gerard set his hand on mine. I don't think he meant to, but neither of us moved our hands. We left them there. For a moment it felt like I might be okay...even though

I'm not okay, I promise.