Say It Right

the First Time

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Say It Right

the First Time

Loretta Malandro, Ph.D.

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DOI: 10.1036/0071425993

This book is dedicated to the memory of my mother,

Josephine, whose kindness and passion for life inspire me

daily, and to my father, Rudy, whose guidance, love, and

support are my foundation.

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Contents

Acknowledgments ix

Introduction xi

Section I:Your Power and How It Impacts People

1. 100% Accountability: 3

Harnessing the Power of Your Words

2. The Key to the Kingdom: 31

How to Capture Discretionary Effort

and Build Accountability

3. Your Power, Your Position, and Its Impact: 57

How to Gain Trust and Create Alignment

Section II: Your Words and How They Trigger Action or Reaction

4. The Black Hole: 79

How to Make Your Point So What You

Say Is What They Hear

5. 15 Irritating Word Habits: 111

How They Trigger Reaction and What to Do About It

vii

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6. When Your Words Get You in Trouble: 137

How to Recover Quickly and Prevent a Repeat Performance

Section III: Your Words and How They Inspire or Derail

7. Talking Straight Responsibly: 171

How to Be Direct and Handle People Who Are Not

8. Commitments with Integrity: 207

How to Replace Casual Promises with Real Ownership

9. Holding People Accountable: 239

How to Demand the "Best in Performance" and Get It

Index 283

viii Contents

Acknowledgments

Nothing is ever created by a single person. The people who surround

us make all things possible. Inspiration to write this book came from

a small, select team who talk straight and hold me accountable for

excellence, especially when I become resigned. My father, Rudy, and

sister, Rosemary, both financial experts and CPAs, provided logic, reason,

and support for why I should write another book. My treasured

book coach and friend, Sharon Ellis, encouraged me when I doubted

I had enough to say and laughed good-naturedly when I discovered

I had too much to say. Judy Lacey, my one-of-a-kind assistant, did

the impossible by making sure everything ran smoothly in my life.

Sue Cahoon, a constant idea-generator, made sure I used technology

appropriately and taught me how to "cut and paste," both literally

and metaphorically. Valerie Demetros worked closely with me to

make sure we used the right words to talk about using the right words.

Nicole Lacey worked hard to make the book "look good" on paper.

And Jon Harlow kept me at the top of my game with his encouragement

and optimism.

Through the years there have been extraordinary CEOs and corporate

leaders who have made a significant difference in my life and

have contributed to the messages in this book. A special thanks goes

ix

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to Gian Fulgoni, Hal Logan, Frank Patalano, Nido Qubein, John

Talucci, John Van Brunt, and John Willson. From my roots in the

academic world, Dr. Larry Barker and Dr. Kevin Toomb, mentors

and dear friends, have encouraged and applauded the use of my creative

side.

In each of our lives there is a group of "silent partners," people

who are not center stage but who quietly change our lives by their

presence. My life choices have been shaped by Chip Dashiell and

Susan Maxwell through their expertise, caring, and coaching. Finally,

there is my wise editor, Barry Neville, who started me down this path

to "write the book that needs to be written." And that's what I've

done, with the support of many special people. Thank you all.

Dr. Loretta Malandro

x Acknowledgments

Introduction

There are many different ways to produce high-performance results

in organizations. Some companies create an internally competitive

environment where the toughest, but not necessarily the most competent,

rise to the top. Other organizations build a consensus culture

where agreement replaces quality by reducing decisions to the lowest

common denominator. Organizations of the future, however, are

choosing a longer-term approach to producing results by investing in

people. The most prized possession in these companies is the high

level of accountability and collaboration among people. People are

placed at the heart of the organization, and leaders recognize that their

most important resource walks through the front door every day and

will walk out again if they are uninspired.

This book is for leaders and managers at all levels who believe that

how people work together is the key to long-term success. Several premises

underlie this belief:

1. People want to do their best.

2. People will give their discretionary effort when they are

inspired.

xi

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3. People will produce unprecedented results with inspired

leadership.

Communication, language in particular, is the vehicle for unleashing

the power of people. This is the tool that leaders use to either motivate

people to reach higher or to derail them completely. Words are

potent. They move the action forward or backward; there is no such

thing as a neutral comment from a leader. All words have meaning and

impact. Leaders who understand this can use language to harness the

boundless energy of people toward focused business outcomes. Those

who fail to recognize the power of their words will find themselves

frustrated with the constant cycle of rework and communication

breakdowns. The truth is that leadership competence, expertise, and

commitment will not overcome poor communication skills.

Most competent leaders and managers have been schooled, both

formally and informally, in many different facets of leadership. But

few have had the opportunity to learn how words shape reality and

determine both their future and the future of the organization. This

book closes the gap by providing leaders with much more than just

tools; it explains why the tools work so leaders can easily apply powerful

communication principles to the many challenges they face.

Because words are potent, this book does not waste them. It is to

the point, practical, and direct. No time is wasted on theory, academic

research, or ego massage. This book is specifically designed for leaders

and managers who are already successful and who want to achieve

much more through their best resource people.

xii Introduction

Section

I

Your Power and How

It Impacts People

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1

100% Accountability

Harnessing the Power

of Your Words

3

Your Purpose

To inspire positive action in others by communicating accountably

at all times.

The meaning of a word is the action it produces.

Ashley Montague

It's 9 a.m. and another day at the office has begun. The conference

room is buzzing with activity, the coffee is brewed, and discussions of

weekend excursions have subsided. But nervous energy from managers

and whispered chatter follow the company's leader as she enters

the conference room and takes her seat.

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"We've had a terrible fourth quarter," she begins, looking around

the room as eyes avoid her. "Revenues are down 11 percent and

expenses are up 14 percent. You're supposed to be managing this situation,

not sitting around letting everything fall apart. What are we

paying you for anyway?"

She pauses and looks around the room. Complete silence. "Starting

today, I want all unnecessary spending cut out of your budgets. I

want immediate increased productivity from your people, and I don't

care how you get it-just get it!"

The message is clear, direct, and completely demoralizing. While

barking out orders and expressing her frustration, the leader has managed

to alienate her managers in less than 30 seconds. Her words are

unharnessed energy, producing chaos, anxiety, and uncertainty. She

is unaware of anything but her immediate personal mission-get this

situation corrected fast. The only way to do this, she reasons, is to get

her people in high gear.

Unfortunately, the leader has produced disastrous results. Her

people are in high gear all right-they are stressed and frenzied. No

one is thinking; everyone is reacting. The problems do not stop here.

Her emotionally charged words will be branded in the minds of everyone

who attended the meeting. But the leader's words are not contained;

the managers repeat them to whomever will listen. This

unharnessed energy erupts into an organizational wildfire, leaving

people in a paralyzed state. Morale is nonexistent, decisions are poor

or not made at all, and productivity is at an all-time low.

Words can either get you in trouble by derailing and frustrating

others, or they can be used as a powerful vehicle to inspire people to

excel. Over the past 20 years I have worked with CEOs and leaders

at all levels who are baffled as to why their words create problems or,

4 Say It Right the First Time

at bare minimum, do not produce the results they want. They are surprised

when people react, annoyed when they do not act, and disappointed

when their words are misunderstood. Most leaders operate

under the illusion that what they say is what people hear. This is simply

not true. Communication is much more involved, and once you

add the dimension of power and authority, the problem compounds.

Leaders must work through an intricate maze of how others filter,

interpret, and add personal meaning to their messages. Although

communication is complex, it can be easy. This may sound contradictory,

but it is not. Superstitions, myths, and beliefs about how people

should respond and behave add the dimension of complexity to

communication. If leaders could lead without illusions or unrealistic

expectations, disappointment would disappear and superior work

would be accomplished.

It's time to bring back the fundamental and enduring communication

principles guaranteed to make everyone's life easier. This book

provides clear-cut guidelines that will eliminate unnecessary frustration

and time by dramatically increasing your ability to say it right

the first time and recover quickly when you don't. Harnessing the

power of words and effortlessly producing the impact you want makes

being a leader fun, enriching, and rewarding. If it's not, what's the

point? Money, enticing financial packages, and other perks only help

you endure what you do not like. Managers and leaders need to be

inspired and have the courage to be different. It doesn't matter if you

are an informal leader without a title or a top-level executive. You may

be the owner of a small business, a supervisor, a mid-level manager,

a partner in a law firm, or the CEO of a large organization. The only

thing that matters is that you enjoy making the impossible happen

by mobilizing people and helping them do things they never thought

100% Accountability 5

they could. If making a difference through people energizes and lights

a fire inside you, you are reading the right book.

The purpose of this chapter is to begin the process of uncovering

the key, underlying communication principles that have made good

leaders great. All you have to do is sit back, relax, and set your beliefs

aside. This is the most difficult request I will make of you. I am asking

you to start with a clean slate by suspending your opinion about

how people should or should not react when you communicate. If

you accept this request and are willing to examine your communication

behavior as a leader, then we can begin the journey together.

Delusions of Adequacy

With the rapid pace of change, you barely have enough time to handle

pressing business issues, let alone think about word choice and

selection. But you'll pay the price for this oversight. Perhaps you're

like many other leaders who do not recognize the impact their words

have on others until it is too late. One day something happens, and

your hot buttons are pushed. The buzz saw starts up, and your words

just spill out. People react, and you react to their reaction. Now you

have a problem. You will spend considerable time and energy cleaning

up the damage created by poorly chosen words that have unconsciously

escaped from your lips.

Perhaps you have a different challenge. You seldom react and attack

people with words, but you don't inspire them either. People listen to

what you have to say, but they are not fired up and ready to make the

impossible happen. They respond in what appears to be a normal and

receptive manner, except they are not giving you their extra energy and

effort. Why should they? Your words are not compelling.

6 Say It Right the First Time

You may find yourself disappointed by the performance of others.

You deliver clear, straightforward expectations and rightfully

expect others to execute them effectively. But wait a minute-just

because you think your expectations are clear does not mean others

do. If you find yourself disappointed by a gap in what you expect and

what people deliver, your words may be the culprit.

This book is not about being perfect.

It is about saying it right the first time and recovering

quickly when you don't.

In spite of its importance, most leaders seldom think about what

they say. It is like breathing-something that requires little conscious

effort. Words come out of your mouth, form sentences, and result in

what is referred to as "communication." Answer this question: "Do

you consider yourself to be a good communicator?" Let's presume you

answer affirmatively and vigorously avow you are not only a good communicator

but also an inspirational one. This may be the problem.

Your opinion is not relevant. How you think you communicate and

affect others is immaterial; it's what others think that matters. The

probability is high that you have delusions of adequacy about your

ability to communicate as a leader. But let's not trust my opinion

either. How others respond to you is the only accurate measure of your

effectiveness. If you unintentionally evoke negative reactions, or you

repeat the same message over and over again and listeners still don't

get it, or morale is not at the expected level, the problem may be what

is coming out of your mouth, not what is wrong with their ears.

What you need is a way to replace ineffective, automatic, and

habitual word patterns with good word choices. Here's the catch-

100% Accountability 7

just because you talk to people on a daily basis does not mean you do

it well. You may think that talking-selecting the appropriate words

and having conversations with others-is a skill you have already mastered.

If you have this belief, you will have to suspend it in order to

learn something new. The trap that leaders fall into over and over

again is thinking they already have the answers. What you think you

know can get you in trouble in all walks of life, and it is the greatest

barrier to becoming an extraordinary leader.

Leaders must have the courage to learn, make mistakes, and be

flat out wrong. It is easier to let go of delusions of adequacy when you

recognize that leaders everywhere, whether at the top or bottom tiers

of an organization, are all the same-fallible human beings who slip

up and blunder. Somewhere along the way leaders started to believe

they had to be right and that people expected them to have all the

answers. Organizations hired them to plot the accurate direction and

make the correct decisions. But when leaders and managers try to live

up to expectations of being right all the time, it creates big problems

for them and those who must live and work with them. It is best to

remember the principle used in systems thinking: "The most powerful

system (or person) is the most flexible one." If you are willing to

give up being right and come face-to-face with the reality of not having

all the answers, you are on your way to building a quality that

only extraordinary leaders have-tremendous flexibility in how they

think, behave, and speak.

A Leader's Choice: 50/50 or 100% Accountability

You have a choice-to allow your words to run amuck and deal with

the damage and fallout as it occurs, or harness their power to inspire

8 Say It Right the First Time

people to produce consistent, outstanding results. With every choice

there are payoffs and consequences. Leaving words unharnessed

means you could save time on the front end. This sounds like a payoff

since you would not need to spend time crafting your messages.

Nor would you need to take accountability for how your words affect

others. It simply would not matter. When a problem occurs, such as

low morale, an organizational reaction, or a significant drop in performance,

you'll deal with it. The consequences, however, are huge:

You will spend at least 10 times the effort trying to recover from communication

breakdowns than you would in preventing them. In the

process you'll lose talented people who will leave the company either

physically or emotionally, your credibility will erode, and morale will

slide dangerously downhill.

If you choose to harness the power of your words and accept

accountability for how they impact others, you will have different

payoffs and consequences. You will have to spend time up front to

prevent communication breakdowns. You will think about words and

how people hear them. Words, and their power, will take on new

meaning for you. Yes, you will spend more time on the front end, but

you will considerably reduce the time you spend repairing damage.

After reading this book, you will have an arsenal of weapons to fight

the wars of ambiguity, chaos, uncertainty, anxiety, confusion, low

morale, and poor performance. If you use this book as your leader's

guide on communication, you will develop powerful skills, learn

unbeatable strategies, and master key principles that will guide you

daily in making good word choices and decisions.

The crux of your choice lies in whether you are willing to be

100% accountable for your impact on people and create an environment

where others do the same. The word accountability is often used

100% Accountability 9

when describing a 50/50 relationship where people do their share and

expect others to carry their own load. It sounds reasonable, but as a

business practice it does not work. The 50/50 approach is conditional

and depends on what other people do. What happens when others

do not do their part or take responsibility for results? Using the 50/50

model, the action stops, fingers are pointed, and a stalemate occurs.

The conditional nature of the model is revealed with the implied

"if"-"I will do my job if you do yours"-a condition that can derail

even the best performers and leaders. When this condition is not met,

people become resigned and disappointed. Waiting, expecting, or

hoping that others will take action is a powerless feeling that others

do not enjoy. People want to feel powerful and have a purpose that

allows them to grow and stretch. The 50/50 model of accountability

is insufficient.

Accountable communication is being 100% responsible

for how your words impact others.

The model of 100% accountability is far more powerful for creating

feelings of ownership rather than victimization. By accepting

100% accountability, people take responsibility for their impact on

business results and each other. No one waits for the goodwill of others

to take action. Although it's nice when others step up to the plate,

it is not essential for this model to work. Full accountability places

the attention on what people can do regardless of what others choose

to do. This is the only model that gives you the power to make choices

and decisions and design your future the way you want it without

waiting for others to do it. It also increases your responsibility for how

you affect people. If you choose to be 100% accountable, you can no

10 Say It Right the First Time

longer hide behind "They need to listen better." They don't have to

listen better; you need to communicate more effectively. The responsibility

is on you to alter how people respond to your messages.

100% ACCOUNTABILITY IS . . .

• Choosing to be an OWNER in everything you do.

• Accepting responsibility (not blame) for your impact on

results and people.

• Focusing on what you can do instead of waiting for

others to act.

Do not confuse accepting accountability with accepting blame.

When people say, "I'm accountable," they often think it means, "I'm

to blame." These two concepts are not the same. Being 100%

accountable is a personal choice to be an owner and move things forward

in spite of challenging people and circumstances. When people

act as owners, their focus is on fixing the problem rather than fixing

the blame. There are seven keys to accountable communication and

every one has an "I" focus. In other words, "I" must learn how to "talk

straight responsibly" in order to help others feel that it is safe to speak

up and contribute. The ownership, and control, of the response you

get rests with you, no one else.

X

The Seven Keys to Speaking Accountably

1. Talk straight responsibly. Being appropriately direct, honest,

and straightforward raises trust and credibility. Leaders

100% Accountability 11

who tell the truth fare much better in producing results than

those who withhold thoughts and information.

2. Inspire positive action. When your attention is on inspiring

positive action in others, you will naturally communicate in

a more uplifting manner. Even difficult conversations can

result in positive outcomes and leave people encouraged to

make things happen.

3. Collaborate with others. Leaders who place a premium on

partnership and collaboration do not tolerate silo behavior,

bunker mentality or we/they thinking. These leaders know

that working well with others is a necessity for speed and flexibility,

a competitive advantage in any market.

4. Build ownership. People fall into one of two camps-victims

or owners. When challenging circumstances and people appear

to control one's life, victim mentality emerges and organizations

are fraught with complaints and finger-pointing. Leaders

who inspire ownership build an environment in which

people are accountable for results and their impact on others.

5. Commit with integrity. Casual and broken promises are

replaced with authentic commitments. The informal use of

language is eliminated and in its place is accountable communication

where words carry real meaning. People make

commitments they plan to keep and responsibly break or

renegotiate a promise when necessary.

6. Hold people accountable. Leaders who make positive

demands on people for quality and excellence get the best

results. By holding themselves and others accountable for high

12 Say It Right the First Time

standards, promises, and agreements, leaders raise the bar on

both morale and performance.

7. Recover quickly. Perfection is not the quest; recovering

quickly is the goal. Leaders who acknowledge their mistakes

and use breakdowns and problems as learning experiences

increase creativity, innovation, and risk-taking. People are

more willing to speak up and contribute, making them part

of a winning team.

The communication principles, skills, and techniques presented

in this book are based on your accepting 100% accountability for your

impact on others. If you're not willing to do this, the lessons in this

book won't help you. On the other hand, if you are willing to set aside

what you think you already know and be responsible for how others

respond to what you say, this is exactly the book you want. Not only

will you gain powerful skills and insight about how to say it right the

first time, you will learn keys to extraordinary leadership that few leaders

ever master. Most importantly, your career as a leader will be easier

and much more rewarding as you unleash your ability and that of

others. Learning how to spot when your communication is off-track

is a good starting place. You need finely tuned radar to recognize when

it is necessary to correct something you are saying or have already said.

X

Your Communication Is Off-Track When

• People are bored and uninterested. They continue to do

what they have always done with no change in their behavior.

100% Accountability 13

• People are confused and cannot re-create your message.

They have no idea (or many different ideas) about what you

said and what you want.

• People are overwhelmed. They are paralyzed by too much

information coupled with a lack of clarity and direction. They

do not act.

• People are emotionally charged. People are reacting. You hit

a hot button, and they are no longer listening.

To be an outstanding leader or manager who produces high performance,

resignation and skepticism must be replaced with accountability

and ownership. The quest for 100% accountability is not for

leaders who want to be successful: It is for leaders who have already

achieved success and want much more. By communicating accountably,

you will see instant positive results.

X

Your Communication Is Accountable When

• People are inspired. They go into action to make things happen.

• People re-create your message for others. They use their

own words to restate what you want and when you want it.

• People know what is important. They are clear about your

priorities and what needs to happen first.

• People are emotionally and intellectually engaged. Your

message has tapped both their hearts and minds.

14 Say It Right the First Time

Inspiring Positive Action

Words and conversations fall into two categories: those that move

things forward and those that move things backward. Speaking is an

action. There is no such thing as neutral or standing still. Technical

competence, business expertise, and a strong work ethic will not overcome

poor communication skills. Each time a manager speaks oneon-

one or to a group, an organizational message is sent. How that

message impacts people directly affects morale and performance and

can either build or destroy the leader's credibility.

When leaders send messages that are not clear about what they

want to say and how they want people to feel, the results are disastrous.

How many times have you sent a message, verbal or written,

without fully considering the impact it would have on others?

Many leaders have fallen from favor because they were not accountable

for their words. Once spoken, you cannot erase and record

over.

Let's start by taking a look at your day-to-day life. You probably

receive more than 100 e-mails per day, 50 voice mails, and a dozen

memos. Your life is filled with a constant influx of words and information,

and it does not matter whether you are a CEO, supervisor,

manager, business owner, or an informal leader.

Does it feel as if you are racing against time when you respond to

e-mails, answer voice mails, or engage in a quick, unplanned hallway

conversation? You end up managing information that crosses your

desk in order to avoid a pileup of demands, problems, and other timeconsuming

tasks. You may do what many others do-spend your

weekends clearing your desk and responding to messages just to avoid

starting the week in the hole.

100% Accountability 15

Your competence, expertise, and commitment as a leader

will not overcome poor communication skills.

Sorry.

Massive amounts of information and the need for speedy replies

are the two greatest enemies in communicating effectively. Everyone is

demanding quick decisions and responses from you. In addition, you

are constantly putting out unplanned and time-consuming fires. As a

result, you probably spend more time reacting than thinking. Communication

was easier before there was so much of it. In the morass of

paper and technology, we have forgotten the purpose of communication.

We used to communicate to connect with people, to create a sense

of belonging and community. These are the same reasons why many

people prefer working in an organization rather than on their own.

Today we mistake information transfer for communication.

When leaders focus on providing information, such as announcing

organizational changes, they often fail to consider how people will

react. Instinctively you may recognize when dialogue is needed, but

in the end a quick memo or e-mail wins out because it's easier and

more expedient. The need for speed overrides the precision, quality,

and impact of a message. To make matters worse, what you think you

are saying is not what listeners hear. Your messages are filtered, interpreted,

and reacted to in unpredictable ways.

When leaders focus on inspiring positive action instead of transferring

information, they significantly increase morale and dramatically

improve performance. The reason for this is straightforward-when the

focus is on what people experience and feel, then how you communicate

and how others respond drastically changes. The only way to harness

the power of words is to treat speaking as an action.

16 Say It Right the First Time

In the land of 100% accountability, you have a specific purpose

to fulfill each time you communicate. Your job is to inspire positive

action and bring out the best in people. This includes changing how

they think, inspiring them about possibilities they cannot see, and

helping others move beyond areas in which they are stuck or resigned.

It also means getting people to collaborate, move with urgency, be

accountable, and act as owners.

Information is what you give people to help them do their job.

Communication is how you energize people to move the ball down

the court. People need two things from you: clear, specific, and

unequivocal direction and positive inspiration. You must deliver both.

Providing one without the other does not work.

How can you inspire positive action with every message? Aren't

some messages simply straightforward information? The answer is

"no," not if you are a leader who communicates accountably. Remember,

there are two parts to every message: what you intend to say and

what listeners hear. Just by adding a simple phrase, an informationonly

message can change into an inspirational one.

X

Short Statements That Inspire Positive Action

Speaking Accountably

• "That's the problem in a nutshell."

Add: "Now it's up to us to turn this around."

• "This is an issue we must address quickly."

Add: "I'm confident we can do this."

100% Accountability 17

• "We will meet on Friday at 8 a.m. in the conference room."

Add: "Let's use this time to generate new ideas together."

• "I haven't had a chance to read your report."

Add: "I always appreciate how you look at things."

• "We are facing a number of challenges this next year."

Add: "I'm happy to be on a great team. We'll need everyone's

thinking and energy."

• "Good morning. "

Add: "It's always good to see you."

• "Here's the document. Read it and let's talk."

Add: "I'm interested in hearing your thoughts."

Why it works: It doesn't take much. It may be just a brief statement

that allows you to connect with the person or provide positive

direction for an upcoming meeting. The point is to focus

on inspiring positive action rather than on providing information.

When you do this, small changes in how you communicate

will make a big difference.

To inspire positive action you must ask first, What message do I

want to send and second, How do I want people to feel? When you

inspire others, they experience new ways of thinking, feeling, and acting.

With your words alone you can help people feel connected to a

larger group and mission. You will also help people develop a personal

connection with you as their leader. This is a value that leaders often

underestimate.

18 Say It Right the First Time

Answer these two questions before you speak:

What message do I want to send?

How do I want people to feel?

People move forward and results are produced when you inspire

action in others. The direction is backward when you treat communication

as a task or simple information transfer. What you say and

how you say it are your primary vehicles for making things happen.

The Reason Managers and Leaders Exist

Why are managers and leaders necessary? Your obvious role is to produce

business results, but how is that done? The simple answer is

through people. Your responsibility is to bring new realities into existence-

to make something happen that would not happen otherwise.

Leaders are not hired to manage the status quo. Your role is to move

people and the organization forward toward specific outcomes. People

are a major factor in the equation of success for a leader. When it

comes right down to it, managers and leaders exist to create an environment

in which people excel.

Leaders and organizations committed to 100% accountability

need to look carefully at the message that is sent by words and behavior.

Ask yourself:

• What message is sent when organizations retain and promote

leaders who produce strong bottom-line results but

alienate and damage people?

• What results could organizations produce with leaders who

inspire people and produce strong bottom-line results?

100% Accountability 19

How can leaders keep people moving forward in a world of

constant change? They must provide what is missing and needed.

People want and need a sense of belonging, a feeling of connection

to a larger group, a greater purpose. If they did not have this need,

they would be working on their own. But because working with

other people fuels the soul and reinvents the feeling of family, people

often choose organizations over individual work. Some have

tried going it alone, only to discover that being a lone ranger is

lonely and uninspiring.

Leaders are accountable for creating an environment

in which people can excel.

It is the responsibility of leaders to create an environment in

which people can excel. But there is something more at stake for you

and your organization: sustainable competitive advantage. Competitive

advantage used to revolve around market dominance, size, and a

respected name. Today flexibility and swift response are vital to success.

This is where people come into the equation. People who are

flexible, adjust to change quickly, and take ownership and accountability

provide companies with a sustainable, strategic, competitive

advantage. People make the difference. Your competitors cannot copy

the esprit de corps you create in your group or organization. They

cannot duplicate your culture or environment. This is what will set

you and your company apart-the fire in your people.

Bring out the best in your people by creating an environment that

• Is safe and open, where people feel free to speak up without

fear of repercussions

20 Say It Right the First Time

• Produces extraordinary business results through the inspiration

of its people

• Is fun, high-energy, and collaborative where people enjoy

working together

• Is the envy of others and gives you a sustainable competitive

advantage

People want to make a difference. With inspired leadership, people

will give tremendous effort. Your job as a leader is to communicate

in a way that inspires positive action in others-not

occasionally, but all the time. Communicating accountably increases

trust and credibility and dramatically reduces communication

breakdowns, costly mistakes, and disappointment in people. Most

importantly, you will increase morale and performance. But in order

to do this, you must be willing to focus on how others respond to

what you say, not on what you intended to say. Strong leaders are

willing to measure their effectiveness by the impact they have on

others. Accountable communication allows you to engage the

boundless energy of people.

The Changing Language of

Twenty-First-Century Leaders

About every decade or so, words change in the business world. One

decade the focus is on quality, the next on reengineering and empowerment.

Words come and go. But when they are introduced, they

have specific meaning and provide important distinctions. Language

defines reality, and it is important for leaders to stay ahead of the

100% Accountability 21

curve and use language that motivates people to think in different

ways. The changing language of the twenty-first century is reflected

in how a new language has replaced old and quaint words. See the

box 'The Changing Language of Twenty-First-Century Leaders.' It

is clear that this century has begun with a major emphasis on

accountability and integrity. But words have no meaning until people

create it. The first step is to replace old words with the new language

of the twenty-first century. The next step is to bring these

words to life and provide meaning and application for your day-today

workplace. As you read each chapter, you will find numerous

ways to apply and integrate the communication skills so that 100%

accountability becomes a way of life.

X

The Changing Language of

Twenty-First-Century Leaders

Quaint Relics New Language

• Entitlement • Accountability

• Loyalty • Portable career assets

• Training and retraining • Lifelong learning and

personal growth

• Follow the rules; comply • Make the rules; be an

and obey owner

• Protection and financial • Marketability

security

22 Say It Right the First Time

• Status and command rights • Relationship and

partnership privileges

• Commitment to the • Commitment to high

company standards

• Continuity and consistency • Constant change as a way

of life

• Improving and getting better • Making quantum leaps

and changes

• Customer satisfaction • Customer accountability

The new language of this century will lead you in the right

direction-creating an environment of accountability where people

can succeed. To create a climate where people feel safe to speak up

and produce results leaders must manage the impact of their communication.

Words are extremely powerful, but unharnessed they

can be deadly. Undirected words run amuck and wreak havoc everywhere.

They have either no target or the wrong target. You never

know how or where these deadly words are going to land and how

they are going to impact people. The price you pay for their unpredictability

and inconsistent results is rework, rework, and more

rework.

Unharnessed words have the power to wipe out months and years

of work in a single moment. They are so powerful that they can damage

relationships and build permanent walls between people. They

have the power to derail an entire organization and send morale in a

downward spiral. They can eliminate goodwill and any extra effort

that individuals choose to give. Unharnessed words can freeze the

100% Accountability 23

action and paralyze people. Enormous amounts of time and energy

will have to be used by leaders to recover the spirit of people, if recovery

is even possible.

X

Are You Accountable for the

Impact of Your Words?

• Avoid: "You're acting ridiculous. How can you expect me to

respond to a question that has absolutely no logic to it and doesn't

relate to anything we're talking about?"

Why it doesn't work: When you are disappointed, unhappy, or

dissatisfied with the behavior of an individual, it is best not to

use the word you as the first word in the sentence. It acts as a

wagging finger, pointing and attacking the person. Using the

word ridiculous coupled with the phrase absolutely no logic will

evoke defensiveness in most people. The result? The individual

will either fight back or retreat-neither of which is productive

for resolving issues.

• Replace with: "I'm having difficulty understanding how what

you're saying connects to the issue we're discussing. Would you

please explain . . . ?"

Why it works: The leader starts with his or her experience by

saying, "I'm having difficulty understanding." Listen to the difference

between saying, "I'm having difficulty understanding"

and "You're being ridiculous." When you accept accountability

for how something is impacting you rather than attacking the

24 Say It Right the First Time

other person, you get a better response and higher-quality information.

Additionally, the request to connect the topics is direct

and puts the focus on clarifying rather than on defending.

In contrast, harnessed words are accountable. They are directed

energy that is focused on a specific target with great clarity and determination.

These words inspire positive action in people, moving them

forward to accomplish specific goals. Harnessed words are workhorses-

strong, reliable, and predictable in the results they produce.

Harnessing the power of words replaces quantity with quality. Messages

are precise, clear, and straightforward, eliminating many unnecessary

words that get in the way.

X

Do You Trigger Action or Reaction?

• Avoid: "Everyone needs to get on board fast to handle this mess."

Why it doesn't work: The finger is pointed at others with the

word everyone. This noninclusive language has conveniently

eliminated the leader from being part of the solution. Additionally,

the word mess is a judgment that can trigger a negative

reaction.

• Replace with: "I need everyone on board fast. I can't do this

alone. Together we can turn this situation around."

Why it works: With subtle changes alone, the meaning and

impact of the message are changed. The use of the word we

includes the leader and others who can face the problem

100% Accountability 25

together. Self-disclosure statements such as, "I can't do this

alone" make the leader human and someone people can relate

to and understand. Finally, the words used are neutral and focus

on the facts thereby needing no interpretation.

When a message is direct and on point, people respond with

energy, enthusiasm, and commitment. Accountable words maximize

understanding and reduce confusion; this is something leaders constantly

strive to do. The unwavering commitment and strength of

your message now replace the struggle for clarity and focus. When

people can count on consistent, reliable direction from you and know

exactly what you expect, they will climb mountains. Your clarity of

purpose, the reliability of your message, and your ability to inspire

people daily, rather than as a random event, make morale soar and

performance skyrocket.

People are your most important asset, and words are your most

powerful vehicle for unleashing the best in them. What you say and

how you say it determines not only the results produced by people

but also directly impacts your career. Harness the power of words

rather than allowing automatic and habitual patterns to get you in

trouble. The most important goal for a leader is to deliver messages

that inspire positive action in others-every time. Your goal is to learn

how to replace ineffective and damaging words with accountable

communication. Leaders who make things happen through the power

of their words are leaders who rise to the top.

The power of random words is not only diffused but also often

damaging. Let's say you've just listened to a meeting presentation by

a peer. Not only do you disagree with what she just said but you're

also quick to speak up with the first thing that pops into your head:

26 Say It Right the First Time

"I completely disagree." Your communication may be an accurate

reflection of what you are feeling, but let's match it against our criteria

for accountable communication: Will this message move people

forward or backward? You already know the answer to this question.

The statement "I completely disagree" is emotionally charged, and

people typically react to it as an attack. The situation could easily escalate

to a level where no resolution is possible.

Engaging people at both the intellectual and emotional levels

inspires action. Remember that there are only two directions your

speaking takes people-forward or backward. This simple concept

is one that makes all the difference when it comes to inspiring

people.

X

Do You Inspire or Derail People?

• Avoid: "I've made a decision to move ahead with a program that

will help us achieve better performance."

Why it doesn't work: "I've made a decision" sounds pretty much

like lone-ranger language. People will typically sit on the sidelines

and "wait and see" if the leader's idea is more than a flash

in the pan. The word program is used to present the idea. It

sounds limiting and temporary. A program is an event or a destination.

If the leader is attempting to enroll people in a major

change effort, this language is not going to do it. Besides, the

people have nothing to do with the decision and so what if they

achieve better performance? That doesn't sound too exciting.

100% Accountability 27

• Replace with: "I see a possibility for us to be the first group to

lead the way in building a high-performance organization. I

know we can accomplish this together."

Why it works: The leader starts by sharing a vision statement: "I

see a possibility for . . . ," followed by a statement about being

number one. Whether it is being number one or being the best,

everyone wants to have a purpose that gets them excited each

morning. Being on a winning team is compelling. The leader

also expresses his or her belief in the group and underscores how

they will accomplish this together.

When you communicate in a meaningful way, you also benefit your

own career. Leaders who know how to mobilize a group, team, or organization

are rare and in high demand. Every company seeks leaders who

have strong people skills and who can inspire others. Your expertise,

whether it is in the fields of finance, law, technology, or engineering, got

you where you are today. Learn to inspire action in others and you will

continue to move forward. Saying it right the first time is the key.

Key Communication Principles

Principle 1: Accountable communication

inspires positive action in others.

Think Twice. Communication is not the transfer of information. People

want to be inspired, and meaningful dialogue is what engages and

energizes people.

28 Say It Right the First Time

Action. Keep a close watch on how you speak both at work and at

home. Do you inspire positive action when you speak? If not, you

may be focusing on your agenda rather than on the individual.

Principle 2: The most powerful person

is the most flexible one.

Think Twice. Flexibility provides you with options. The greater your

flexibility in thinking and learning, the stronger your leadership.

Demonstrating flexibility and giving up an "I know" attitude tells

others you are human and let's them connect with you on a personal

level.

Action. Examine your life to discover where you are inflexible. Where

have you established rigid patterns of thinking, speaking, and behaving?

Then choose a pattern you want to break and see what new possibilities

are created.

Principle 3: Speaking is an action that moves the

conversation forward or backward.

Think Twice. What you say has the power to move people forward

or derail them. There is no such thing as standing still. When you

communicate, your words are either accountable or off-track.

Action. Pay close attention to your words. Watch the reaction of others

and the consequences. Often, these reactions may be hard to gauge

at first. If you spend time repairing damage or repeating the same

100% Accountability 29

message, consider the reason. If action is not moving forward, what

needs to be altered in your message?

Principle 4: The reason managers and leaders exist is to

create an environment in which people can excel.

Think Twice. You are not hired to manage the status quo. You are

there to move the action forward and make things happen. You are

there to make a difference.

Action. Create an environment to bring out the best in people by

inspiring positive action on a daily basis. Look for ways to add a short

inspirational statement, such as "It's always great to get your input."

Add this to the end of a conversation or memo; it will leave the person

feeling energized and connected.

30 Say It Right the First Time

2

The Key to

the Kingdom

How to Capture Discretionary

Effort and Build Accountability

31

Your Purpose

To unleash the extra effort of people by dealing with resignation

and building accountability.

Resignation is the single biggest problem in our workforce today.

And resignation looks like apathy! It's an obvious mistake. They

(people) look apathetic, but they're really resigned. Apathetic is

when they don't care. Resignation is when they think you don't care.

Big difference!

Mike Beason

"You're an Inspiration-NOT,"

California@Work Newsjournal

Copyright 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Click Here for Terms of Use.

In a perfect world, employees work at their maximum capacity. Pep

talks and morale boosters are unnecessary since everyone is giving 110

percent. In this world, worrying about how you say something is

pointless since nothing is misunderstood. Unfortunately, we don't live

in a perfect world and what we say is critical. We need to be accountable

at all times. When a leader's words and actions continually evoke

negative reactions from people, the results are resignation, hopelessness,

and despair.

This is the story of Brian-a glimpse into the life of an employee

who once was highly accountable and now is disillusioned and

resigned.

Brian is a hard worker who produces great results. He is the last

of a dying breed-an employee who has been with the company for

more than 20 years. Everyone likes him; he is positive, upbeat, and

bright. But over the years things have changed. Before, he felt he was

part of a winning team, but no more. Now when he listens to his

boss and senior management speak, he feels they only care about

results, not the people who produce them.

Brian's feeling of resignation caused him to shrink. It started with

his thoughts and then moved into his behaviors. Rather than think

about what was possible, he thought only of what was not possible.

Instead of acting as an owner, he behaved as a victim. He stopped

listening to the empty promises of management. He stopped trusting

the words managers used to pump up the troops. Finally, he narrowed

his focus to only his areas of responsibility.

Brian's disappointments grew over time until he found himself

in a deep state of resignation. Today, he feels hopeless and believes

management will never change. He talks to fewer people, avoids

32 Say It Right the First Time

team projects, and works alone. His natural energy and enthusiasm

have been replaced with caution and skepticism. Brian no longer

gives any extra effort to get the job done. He used to have a purpose:

Now he only has a job.

When you ignore resignation or deny that it exists, three things

happen: (1) Morale goes down, (2) accountability diminishes, and (3)

discretionary effort disappears altogether. When people are resigned,

they give only what they have to give in order to avoid unpleasant

consequences.

When resignation is high, morale is low.

Count on it.

Discretionary Effort:

What People Are Willing to Give

There are a lot of resigned employees in the workforce today just like

Brian: people with tremendous ability, a sense of loyalty, and a strong

work ethic. However, they expend only the necessary effort to get the

job done. Their discretionary effort, the effort above and beyond what

their job requires, is withheld.

Discretionary Effort

The extra effort people choose to give that cannot be

mandated by a leader or organization.

When economists use the term discretionary income, they are referring

to income that is left over after people pay their fixed and neces-

The Key to the Kingdom 33

sary expenses. Discretionary income is what the individual can control.

A parallel concept exists in the business world, and it is called discretionary

effort. This is the portion of effort that is controlled by the

individual and cannot be mandated by a leader or an organization.

The results of a survey of the U.S. workforce on discretionary

effort are staggering. Most people invest about 60 percent of what

they are capable of in order to receive a good performance review. The

remaining 40 percent is discretionary: It is that extra effort that people

choose to give when they feel inspired. When people are unenthused,

they give the minimum amount of effort to their job to avoid

being penalized or fired.

This is in direct conflict with what people really want and need.

People want a purpose of sufficient magnitude to feel energized and

inspired. They have an inner need to give their best. The amount of

discretionary effort released is directly tied to the ability of leaders to

engage people in meaningful dialogue.

How to Spot Resignation

What exactly is resignation? It is the belief that people and circumstances

are hopelessly fixed and unchangeable. The most common

remark from people who are resigned is "Things will never change

here." To them, everything and everyone appear to be unalterable.

Unmet expectations and cumulative disappointments sow the seeds

of resignation. When people no longer find their job or leaders compelling,

purpose is lost and resignation takes over.

When people are resigned, they continue to be responsible for

their job, but the feeling of personal accountability for overall business

results vanishes. Signs of resignation are avoidance, lack of

34 Say It Right the First Time

involvement, unenthusiastic compliance, a wait-and-see attitude, and

the absence of urgency.

The most insidious aspect of resignation is its ability to spread

and contaminate others. Resignation is like a virus. A handful of

resigned individuals can easily grow into a resigned group or organization.

Skeptical and disappointed people seek out sympathetic others.

They also plant seeds of discontent and negative thinking in

people who are otherwise satisfied with their jobs and company.

X

What Resigned Employees Say

• "Nothing is ever going to change here, especially management!"

• "This is just another program-of-the-month."

• "Senior management never listens."

• "Wait and see. This will pass."

• "It won't make any difference."

• "I'll just do my job."

• "Ignore them and they'll go away."

• "Another 'go get 'em' speech from the CEO. Does she really

think we care?"

• "I've done my part. Let them do the rest."

• "Just pretend you agree. Then we'll do what we want."

The Key to the Kingdom 35

Why it doesn't work: This language reflects the following

attitudes of resigned employees: (1) wait and see, (2) comply,

(3) avoid, (4) resist, or (5) tolerate.

Hallway conversations are underground conversations that

employees have with everyone but you. You are the last to hear what

is really going on. The only effective method for spotting resignation

is to notice what people are not saying. Pay attention to what is missing

and not being said or expressed. Here are some clues: When people

are resigned they do not talk about their (1) commitment to goals,

targets, or initiatives; (2) accountability for their impact on people

and results; or (3) partnering and collaborating with others, especially

with you and other leaders.

The obvious absence of the "language of accountability" tells the

story. What people do not say is as important as what they say. When

it comes to accountability, you want people to speak in a positive

manner that moves the action forward. The notable lack of accountability

language is a sure sign that inspiration is missing and resignation

is present.

X

What Inspired Employees Say

• "I will, I promise, I commit, I agree to deliver, you can count

on . . ."

• "I'm accountable, I'm responsible, I accept personal accountability,

I'm up for taking charge of . . ."

36 Say It Right the First Time

• "We can, we will, my partners, my team, our group, together

. . ."

Why it works: People verbally articulate the future they want by

speaking in a positive, assertive, and compelling manner. To spot

resignation, notice what people do not say. When you do not

hear people speaking about their commitment, accountability,

and partnership, consider this a strong signal that resignation is

alive and well.

Shrinking the Game-What

People Do When They Are Resigned

Business has all the elements of a game: rules, scoreboard, players,

coaches, and owners. People are either "in the game" or "on the sideline."

Shrinking the game is a natural, protective response from people

who are resigned. When people believe they are limited, not valued, or

not heard, they guard their investment of energy in the organization.

This happens every day in the business world and applies to highly successful,

hard-working, and talented people. They continue to produce

outstanding results, but only in their defined areas of responsibility.

Ownership, accountability, and a big-picture perspective are missing.

When resigned, people move off the field and onto the sidelines.

What causes a person to shrink? It is triggered by something that

happens, comments by an individual with power, or a series of events

that happen over time and result in disillusionment and disappointment.

The feelings of dissatisfaction accumulate and build. People file them

away only to show their resentment of leadership in their behaviors.

The Key to the Kingdom 37

X

How People Feel When They Are Resigned

• Small • Unappreciated

• Unvalued • Unimportant

• Insignificant • Unneeded

The shrinking process is complete when a person believes "This

is just the way things are. Nothing is ever going to change here." People

work hard and produce results but fall far short of what is possible.

But when discretionary effort is put forth: watch out. People go

far beyond what is necessary or required and produce unpredictable

results.

The lack of inspiration and accountability directly impacts business

results including productivity, innovation, and efficiency. How

people feel has a direct impact on how they execute. Human capital

is one of your primary concerns as a leader. To produce consistent

outstanding results, you must consistently inspire positive action in

others.

Your goal is to get people off the sidelines and back into the game.

Use words that create possibility, expand thinking, and tear down limiting

beliefs about what is not possible. You are their coach. You are

the person who focuses their efforts and raises their spirits. You are

the one who holds the key to making the impossible happen through

people working together.

38 Say It Right the First Time

X

Getting Others Back in the Game

Speaking Accountably

• "Times are tough. So what? We can turn this around."

• "We've faced challenges before. We can do it again."

• "We're accountable for the future and we will deliver."

• "Just because it hasn't been done doesn't mean we can't do it."

• "We need new thinking."

• "Generate new possibilities."

• "Take it apart and find a better way."

• "Focus on what we want, not what we don't want."

• "Create the future you want; don't get stuck in the past."

• "Think outside the box."

• "Do something different."

• "Think in different categories."

• "Anything can be changed."

• "Just do it."

• "Change it."

The Key to the Kingdom 39

• "Reinvent it."

• "Make it happen."

Why it works: These phrases challenge people to make things

happen in spite of constant change or tough circumstances. By

demanding positive action, these words place accountability on

the individual or group to deliver results.

People want to believe that they make a difference, that there is

possibility. They want hope, a compelling future, and a purpose that

demands their greatest efforts. And just as important, they want to

know that problems and circumstances are not insurmountable.

These assurances need to come from you-that everything is going

to be okay. And you need to say it with conviction not once, but over

and over again.

When You Shrink the Game

It is not uncommon for leaders and managers to be resigned. In fact,

successful people are frequently resigned. It's just harder to spot

because it is well camouflaged. Before you deny that you are resigned,

think about this: Are you giving and doing your best? Are you at the

top of your game? Are you inspired every day when you come to

work? Wouldn't you want your people to answer these questions with

a resounding "yes"? Can you?

What complicates the answer to this question is the fact that you

work hard and produce superior results. Your performance reviews

are consistently strong. But is there something missing for you? Only

you know the answer to this question. You know what it feels like to

40 Say It Right the First Time

be in the "zone," to be turned on and enthused by endless ideas,

thoughts, and inventions of your mind. You know what it is to give

100 percent effort. Others will not be able to tell if you are operating

at 80 percent or 100 percent. But you will know the difference.

Take a moment and answer the following questions. They focus on

the behaviors of accountability and what you model for others. These

questions are thought-provoking and are intended to cause you to

reflect on two issues: Where are you shrinking the game? and Do you

model accountability in both your speaking and actions? Answer the

questions with a "yes" or "no." If you are not sure, the response is "no."

1. Are you inspired? Are you inspired about your job, what

you are doing, the company, the overall mission, purpose,

and the people (including people senior to you)?

2. Are you disappointed? Do you feel let down? Are you skeptical

and untrusting of peers and/or people senior to you?

3. When you are disappointed or resigned, do you take

immediate action to deal with the situation? Do you recognize

when you are resigned? Do you deny or attempt to

suppress your feelings? Where are you shrinking the game?

4. Do you accept 100% accountability for your impact on

business results and others? Do you accept accountability

rather than blaming others?

5. Do you hold yourself accountable for the "best in performance"?

Do you deliver the best in performance even in

the face of challenging circumstances? When you are not at

your best, do you take immediate, corrective action?

The Key to the Kingdom 41

6. Do you hold others accountable for their "best in performance"?

Do you hold coworkers, subordinates, superiors,

and peers accountable for consistent, outstanding

performance?

7. Do others consider you to be a collaborative team player?

Do people enjoy working with you? Do people want you on

their team? Would you want to be on your team?

What did you learn? Did you discover areas in which you are disappointed

or resigned? Your speaking and actions reflect how you feel

and think. What you say offers clues about whether you are resigned.

More to the point, how you talk causes others to shrink the game. People

listen carefully to what you say and what you do not say. Your silence

speaks as loudly as your words. If senior management announces a

major initiative and you avoid talking about it with employees, you

send a strong message. Accurate or not, what they hear by your silence

is your lack of support for senior management's initiative.

X

When You Shrink the Game

Speaking That Derails

• "They told me and now I'm telling you."

• "That's the way they want it."

• "That's the way it is."

• "What initiative? Oh yeah, that one."

42 Say It Right the First Time

• "You can't change it and neither can I."

• "Don't rock the boat."

• "Just do your job. That's what I'm doing."

• "Don't get carried away with that 'change' stuff. Focus on your

job."

• "Forget about it; there's nothing that can be done."

• "Nothing's going to change. Stick with what you know."

• "There's no point in questioning this; it is what it is."

• "Let's just get to work and do the best we can in spite of . . ."

• "I'm not excited about this either, but it's what they want."

Why it doesn't work: When leaders are resigned it shows up in

several ways: (1) we/they speaking-dividing into camps, (2) dismissing

initiatives and changing efforts, (3) begrudgingly maintaining

the status quo, and (4) reducing focus to smaller areas

of concern. These words shrink the game for everyone on the

playing field, including you. Ultimately they kill possibility,

hope, and the future.

People only do what their leaders are willing to do. Your level of

accountability determines the actions of others. Leadership means

leading the way. Your behavior and communication tell others what

you expect from them. It is no different than being a parent. If you

want your children to become responsible adults, you must demonstrate

and model responsibility in your actions. If you want your

The Key to the Kingdom 43

employees to raise the bar on accountability and performance, you

must lead the way. If you want your workplace free of resignation,

start by discovering where you are resigned.

When a leader is resigned, it has a domino effect that kills the

spirit of a lot of other people. When leaders and managers are

resigned, this is the death knell of an organization.

X

Talking to Your Boss When You Are Resigned

Speaking Accountably

• You: "I'm struggling with something that's bothering me

about how we work together. Are you open to talking about

this?"

Why it works: Your first statement tells your boss you are struggling

(not closed or decided) and states the topic-how the two

of you work together. Next, you ask if he or she is willing to talk.

The question gives your listener time to process what you said

and shift gears. In this regard the question "Are you open to talking

about this?" is rhetorical, since few people would respond

with a "no."

• You: "Last week when we reviewed my performance, I walked

away feeling disappointed. I'm disappointed in myself for not

delivering what you want and not providing the input and

information you need to review my work."

Why it works: This is a place where "I" language is appropriate

and necessary. By using the word I, you take personal account-

44 Say It Right the First Time

ability. Rather than pointing the finger and blaming your boss

for your disappointment, you accept accountability for how you

feel. In the above statement you acknowledge your boss's concern

(i.e., unacceptable performance) and open the door for correcting

the situation by providing additional information.

• You: "I failed to give you critical information about what I've

been working on with 'X.' I'd like to correct this now. Would

you be willing to listen?"

Why it works: You take accountability (not blame) for the situation.

You also provide a solution and ask for a commitment to

listen. Asking people if they are willing to listen is an acceptable

request to most people. It frees their mind to hear what you are

saying rather than sort what you say into "agree" or "disagree"

categories.

Talking to People Who Are Resigned and Skeptical

Resigned people search for evidence to validate and support their

beliefs. Unknowingly, you provide them with what they want. For

example, you announce a new program that provides employees with

flex time to accommodate family and personal needs. It sounds like

a benefit. But those who are resigned see it as a form of manipulation

by you and other members of management. Instead of seeing the positive

aspects, they may view flex time as a way to keep them quiet

about bigger issues such as competitive salaries.

This underscores a fundamental element in resignation-people

interpret everything you say to support their viewpoint. If they don't

The Key to the Kingdom 45

trust management, what you say will be heard and interpreted as evidence

that you are untrustworthy. Every time you open your mouth,

you provide "proof " that you don't really care about people.

When you avoid dealing with resignation, it takes much longer

to uncover the real issues. Trying to gloss over resignation with incentives

and rewards often results in talented people leaving the organization

or, worse, they stay and infect others. In the meantime it

doesn't matter what you say because you can't say it right. The only

way to win is to deal with resignation directly. Talking to people about

how they feel and encouraging them to express their concerns bring

issues to the surface where they can effectively be resolved. A straightforward

approach is the only approach that will turn people around.

The words and phrases you use have the ability to get people off the

sidelines and back into the game.

Start by dealing with the real problem-how people feel-and

ignore the symptoms. When the actual problem is resolved, symptoms

disappear on their own. Read on to learn a simple three-step

process to take the emotional charge out of a conversation.

X

Dealing with

Emotionally Charged People

Step 1: Stop discussing the content and switch to the process.

Step 2: Separate the symptoms from the problem.

Step 3: Validate all feelings.

46 Say It Right the First Time

Step 1: Stop Discussing the Content

and Switch to the Process

When a person is emotionally charged, immediately stop discussing

the content. Let's say you sit down to discuss an upcoming reorganization

with a direct report. He is not thinking about reorganization;

he is thinking about a disturbing memo that you sent a few days ago.

You forgot all about the memo; he has not. He seems uptight, a little

clipped and abrupt. You chalk it up to stress and ignore it. You

begin the discussion and suddenly-Wham! Out of the blue, he

charges and attacks your plan for reorganization.

Your first reaction may be to strike back, but wait. You missed the

first set of cues: Do not miss this one. All you know at this point is

that he is reacting. You do not know what is causing the reaction. You

think he is reacting to your reorganization plan because that's what

he is attacking. You are at a critical juncture. Do not take communication

literally. When people are emotionally charged, they react to

the first thing that comes into their line of sight. It is frequently not

the real issue.

What should you do? Stop discussing the content (the reorganization)

and talk about the process (how you are communicating with

one another). A process discussion includes talking about your relationship

and any unexpressed thoughts, concerns, and feelings.

Do not take communication literally.

When people are emotionally charged, they react to

the first thing that comes into their line of sight.

It is seldom the REAL issue.

The Key to the Kingdom 47

Having a conversation about content on top of an emotional charge

does not work. It taints the discussion, interferes with problem resolution,

produces bad solutions, and, most predictably, results in arguing

about the wrong issues. Let's look at a better way to handle this:

X

Uncover the "Real" Problem

Speaking Accountably

Your Direct Report: "There's no way this plan is going to

fly! I won't ask my people to do this."

You: "Something's really bothering you. Let's set the discussion

on reorganization aside and talk about what's going on with

you. Is it something I have said or done?"

Why it works: You stop the discussion on reorganization. This is a

good idea since you notice the reaction of your direct report is out

of proportion for the topic. By switching the conversation to the

process of communication-how you are talking to one another-

you can uncover the real issue. You take accountability (not blame)

by asking, "Is it something I have said or done?" This makes it safe

for the individual to respond in a straightforward manner.

Step 2: Separate the Symptoms from the Problem

Pep talks, perks, incentives, or new opportunities are a manager's arsenal

for solving problems. They seldom work. This approach treats the

symptoms, not the problems. People comply with what you want,

48 Say It Right the First Time

but continue to harbor resentment. Compliance is not the same as

alignment. People who comply-instead of committing and aligning

with you-unconsciously erode your efforts at every opportunity.

Remember the story of Brian at the beginning of this chapter?

Let's see what happens when his boss comes into the picture.

Brian's boss notices his performance is slipping. She calls him

into her office and delivers a lengthy pep talk on how to improve his

work. Brian does not bother to respond; there's no need since she's

doing all the talking. Instead of feeling inspired, he feels even more

misunderstood.

Now read the two approaches below where Brian's boss opens the

conversation. Which approach targets the symptoms and which

focuses on the real issue?

• Approach 1: "Your last project was two days late and, frankly,

it was very disappointing. What's going on?"

• Approach 2: "You're always focused and on task, but lately you

seem preoccupied. What's on your mind? Maybe I can help."

The first approach focuses on the symptom: poor performance.

Attempting to solve symptoms only compounds the situation. People

are frustrated because the problem is unresolved. Brian needs his

boss to listen to how he feels. What he receives instead is communication

that is off-track. His boss ignores his resignation and focuses

solely on performance.

In the second approach, his boss focuses on a behavioral change she

has noticed. Brian is normally focused and on time. Lately he has been

preoccupied and is missing his deadlines. By talking about these changes,

The Key to the Kingdom 49

the manager begins to search for the real problem. The second approach

hits the target: The problem is resignation; the symptom is performance.

Step 3: Validate All Feelings

When people believe they are unfairly criticized or judged, they suppress

their resentment and route it in unproductive directions such as

talking to others. A caveat: Just because you do not hear about issues,

concerns, or disappointments does not mean they do not exist. Since

you are the last person to hear anything, never trust the obvious.

X

Validating Feelings

Avoid: Replace with:

• How can you feel this way? • I didn't realize you were

feeling this way.

• I can't believe you're • I'm glad you're telling me

saying this. your concerns.

• That's not true. You know • You have a valid and

better than this. different experience than

mine. I want to understand

what's going on for

you. Please tell me more.

• You shouldn't feel like this. • It's all right. Whatever

you're feeling is okay. I

just want to understand.

50 Say It Right the First Time

• You're overreacting. • This is really bothering

you. I've obviously missed

something that is very

important to you. Talk to

me.

It is important to validate how people feel without necessarily

agreeing with their solutions. Feelings are not right or wrong, good

or bad. They are internal sensations. The best thing to do when dealing

with an emotionally charged individual is to encourage the person

to fully express. Then listen and validate. Do not judge and

criticize. Your focus is to understand what the individual is feeling

and not assess whether or not he or she should have these feelings.

What can you do when you don't have time to walk through the

three-step process? You can address the resignation by letting the individual

know you recognize something is bothering him or her and

you want to talk about it as soon as possible. Do not ignore resignation

or attempt to move past it by trying to cheer someone up. This

results in the person not feeling heard or understood. Now you have

two problems-resistance and resignation.

X

Dealing with Resignation

When You Are Short on Time

Speaking Accountably

• "I can tell something is bothering you. I don't have time now

but can we talk later today? I want to understand."

The Key to the Kingdom 51

• "We need to deal with this business issue now, but I notice

you seem preoccupied; something is on your mind. Let's meet

for lunch tomorrow so we can really talk. How you are doing

is important to me."

• "We only have 20 minutes to put the finishing touches on

this report. I want you to know I care about how you're doing

with this merger. Let's set up a time to meet this week."

Why it works: Three elements make each of the above statements

work.

1. Make an observation about the person's behavior such as

"I can tell something is bothering you." The observations

are purposely broad and general rather than labeling (e.g.,

"you look angry"). Labels, accurate or not, tend to provoke

reactions.

2. Let the person know you do not have time to talk now, but

you will make time. Recognize that how far out in time you

schedule the meeting will tell the person how important the

conversation is to you.

3. Make a relationship statement such as "You are important

to me."

The secret to getting people to fully express is to ask a final question

when they least expect it. After they have said everything they have

to say, pause and ask: "Is there anything else you would like to tell me?"

Both your pause and question allow the mind to search one final time

for what has not been said. Often it's the most important thing.

52 Say It Right the First Time

Ask One Final Question after

Everything Has Been Said:

"Is there anything else you would like to tell me?"

Since a handful of resigned individuals can easily grow into a

resigned group or organization, it is imperative that you stop the

growth in its early stages. You need to get people off the sidelines and

back into the game. And the way to do this is by using words that

create possibility and expand thinking. You are the coach, the person

who focuses efforts and raises spirits. Resignation and skepticism are

a normal part of business life. People move out of the game and onto

the sidelines, taking their enthusiasm with them. Resignation is not

something that disappears forever.

It takes a dedicated coach who is willing to deal with the human

side in order to engage people at top levels of performance. The spirit

of an organization is contained in how much discretionary effort people

are willing to give. Your willingness and skill in dealing with the

real problem and not the symptoms allow you to get people back in

the game, which will generate rewarding results. You hold the key to

making the impossible happen by inspiring positive action in others.

Key Communication Principles

Principle 1: Turn hallway conversations

into public dialogues.

Think Twice. You are the last person to hear about what is going on.

Remember this, and you will not be surprised or blindsided. Private

conversations, often referred to as underground or hallway discus-

The Key to the Kingdom 53

sions, occur all the time. They are dialogues where selected others are

excluded, usually management. People engage in these discussions

with everyone except the person who can resolve the issue or concern.

These exchanges can fester and grow into resignation.

Action. Be on the hunt for underground conversations. When you

discover an underground conversation, talk about it in a constructive,

open manner. Make these "undiscussable" topics a priority for

both individual and group meetings.

Principle 2: Do not take communication literally when

talking with an emotionally charged person.

Think Twice. When people are emotionally charged, they react to the

first thing that comes into their line of sight; it is seldom the real problem.

Don't react to the first issue presented and steer clear of trying

to provide solutions. Your job is to listen and understand until the

emotional charge has dissipated. Then you can problem solve, not

before.

Action. Observe your reaction to a person who is emotionally

charged. Do you have an overwhelming urge to solve the problem?

If you do, work on listening to understand. Avoid providing any solutions

until the individual asks for your thoughts.

Principle 3: Treat the problem and ignore the symptoms.

Think Twice. Symptoms frequently camouflage the real problem.

When you treat a symptom, the problem occurs over and over again.

54 Say It Right the First Time

A tip-off that you are dealing with symptoms and not the real issue

is when numerous concerns are presented. A typical response would

be to say, "Let's take these one at a time." Don't! This will lead you

into a maze. Even if you solve every complaint on the list, the person

will still be unhappy and dissatisfied because the real issue has not

been addressed.

Action

1. When you hear multiple concerns, ask yourself, "What

larger problem do these symptoms suggest or indicate?" This

is called "chunking up" and moves the discussion from

specifics to the larger concern.

2. In responding to numerous concerns ask, "What's really

bothering you? It must be something very important to

you." Express authentic concern, for example, "This must

be difficult for you."

Principle 4: Validate feelings-if you

argue with them, you'll lose.

Think Twice. Feelings are valid and need to be respected. You cannot

talk someone out of how he or she feels nor can you use logic

to convince him or her to feel otherwise. The only solution is to

validate feelings by listening and understanding. Feelings are real

for the person who has them. Serious relationship problems occur

when people believe their feelings are minimized, judged, or invalidated.

The key is to support an individual without agreeing with

them.

The Key to the Kingdom 55

Action

1. When someone tells you how he or she feels, immediately

validate the feelings. Say, "You're really concerned," or, "This

is really bothering you."

2. Prompt the individual to express. Say, "I want to understand

everything. Please go on."

Principle 5: Fix the problem, not the blame.

Think Twice. Focus on the problem, not who caused it. People will

help you solve a problem even when they are the problem as long as

they are not the targets of blame. Finger-pointing or implying blame

produces embarrassment, shame, and regret-emotions that are difficult

from which to recover. People do not want to let you down.

Action

1. The next time you encounter a problem or breakdown, ask,

"What do we need to do to correct this situation?" instead

of "Who dropped the ball on this one?"

2. Focus on prevention by asking, "How can we stop this from

happening again?" instead of "What are you going to do to

make sure this never happens again?"

56 Say It Right the First Time

3

Your Power,Your Position,

and Its Impact

How to Gain Trust and

Create Alignment

57

Your Purpose

To transform symbolic power into real power by gaining trust and

creating alignment.

Power must be the servant, not the master.

Michael Korda

Power: How to Get It, How to Use It

One night a ship's captain out at sea observed what seemed to be the

lights of another ship. He had his first mate signal the other ship.

"Change your course 10 degrees south," the captain demanded. The

reply came back, "Change your course 10 degrees north." The ship's

Copyright 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Click Here for Terms of Use.

captain, annoyed with having his order disregarded, answered, "I am

a captain. Change your course 10 degrees south." To which he received

the reply, "I am a seaman first class and I say change your course 10

degrees north." Infuriated by the obvious lack of respect and deference

to his position and power, the captain signaled back, "Darn it,

man, I say change your course 10 degrees south. I'm on a battleship."

The reply came back without delay, "I say change your course 10

degrees north. I'm in a lighthouse."

In the story, the captain assumes two things-his power is

supreme and others must comply with his requests beyond question.

The seaman quietly notes the arrogance of the captain and continues

the conversation until the real situation is revealed. Ultimately the

captain looks foolish. He has been ordering a lighthouse to move-

a visual image that is both ludicrous and comical. Of course, you

could argue that the captain did not know it was a lighthouse, but

this is precisely the point. Leaders are accountable for dealing with

accurate information. Poor decisions are often the result of low-quality

information and false assumptions.

The captain's need to be right and all-powerful results in three

things: (1) He makes false assumptions, (2) he is positional and

intractable when he does not receive the proper respect and deference,

and (3) he repeats the same order over and over again, using declarative

statements. Did you notice the captain never asked a question? By using

declarative statements to the exclusion of questions, it sends a message

that the need to be right is stronger than the need to understand.

Power blinds people to the obvious. It is like an intoxicating

drink, stimulating the senses while destroying the ability to think.

Those with power do not usually understand what is happening to

them. Power becomes unconscious and outside a person's awareness.

58 Say It Right the First Time

Too many times, leaders are unaware of the impact of their power. As

a result, they are blindsided time and again. These leaders are shocked

to find their messages misinterpreted. They do not realize the momentous

weight their words carry and are shocked to find that an off-hand

remark can create strong negative reactions. Most leaders have no idea

how much their power amplifies their message.

Every time you talk, you are on a loudspeaker.

Your power amplifies your message.

With power comes responsibility. Whenever you speak you have

an impact. Every word that comes out of your mouth influences people.

Each memo, e-mail, and voice mail sends a message. When you

least expect it, your words will be repeated, interpreted, and passed

along to many others. As with accountable communication, power is

energy that must be harnessed and directed.

Symbolic Power versus Real Power

Whether you are a manager, supervisor, CEO, an entrepreneur, a toplevel

executive, a community leader, a partner in a law firm, a parent,

an athletic coach, an informal leader, a celebrity, or the head of a business

or staff group, you have power. Having direct reports or a fancy

title is inconsequential. Whether you are humble or down-to-earth

or come from simple roots is meaningless. If others perceive you as

having an impact on their lives, then you have power. The question

is Do you have symbolic power or real power?

To understand power, we need to begin with what real power is

not. Real power is not a title, it is not a position, and it is not money.

Your Power, Your Position, and Its Impact 59

Real power is not the number of direct reports, it is not a large office,

it is not reporting to the CEO, nor is it having a large budget. Real

power is not being in charge of a substantial operational unit nor is

it name recognition or celebrity status. These are all symbols of

authority: Signs that are used to designate those in charge.

Some symbols of power can be spotted immediately, such as the

uniforms of police officers, firefighters, military personnel, or nurses.

Some symbols of power are not so obvious, yet these people still

have "positions of command," such as parents, teachers, and church

leaders. Others have a symbolic power that comes from being in the

spotlight, such as celebrities, actors, television stars, sports figures,

rock stars, and, once in a while, authors. In business, power is frequently

held by titled positions such as members of the Board, the

CEO, the COO, the CFO, the senior leadership team, managers,

and supervisors.

Even the proximity to authority garners symbolic power. For

instance, if a CEO uses an outside consultant as part of his or her

inner circle, the consultant is given power. An assistant working

closely with a leader, whether administrative or specialized, is often

perceived as having authority. It is a grave mistake to underestimate

the clout of an assistant. This relationship often involves daily, intimate

exchanges of not only information but also observations and

subjective judgments. The opinion of an assistant can carry more

weight than that of peers or direct reports.

Symbols of power are often mistaken for real power, but they are

not the same. Have you ever met an individual with many symbols

of power who had little influence over others? I worked with a COO

who had all the apparent symbols of power: title, large office, and

authority. He also reported to the CEO and was frequently invited

60 Say It Right the First Time

to Board meetings. Unfortunately, he had absolutely no power or

influence. He was not perceived as powerful, just a figurehead, a "yes"

person to the CEO. People listened and responded because they had

to, not because they were aligned. In the hallways, they made fun of

him and laughed at his attempts to run meetings and provide direction.

His symbols of authority made no difference because people did

not give him power.

How about the reverse situation? Have you ever met a person

who had few traditional symbols of power, but wielded tremendous

influence? At the same company as the COO mentioned above, there

was an informal leader, an individual contributor with a technical

title. The company was in the midst of a cultural change effort, and

she took up the mantle for building a high-performance culture. She

was recognized for her commitment, accountability, and ability to

partner with others. Her credibility and informal leadership continued

to grow. People listened to what she said; they were energized

by her enthusiasm. She was even invited to senior management meetings

to provide input. She had tremendous power-real power not

symbolic power.

Perception Is Reality

If people believe you have power, you do.

If they think you're an impostor, they're right.

Power is not something you have: It is something others give to

you. You cannot have power unless others grant it to you. Power does

not exist in a vacuum. There are no leaders without followers, just as

there are no captains without troops. Power is the relationship

between the one who has the power and those who acknowledge it.

Your Power, Your Position, and Its Impact 61

Real power is bestowed or granted by others. People give power

by believing that that person has the ability to influence, control, or

strongly affect their lives. When they believe this, they give the other

person power. When they stop believing this, the power disappears.

In the opening of this chapter, the ship's captain assumed he had

power over what he believed to be another ship. His assumptions and

arrogance were revealed during the exchange of messages. After all he

was the captain, the one in charge, the one who gave orders, the one

that everyone looked to for direction. To him, it was logical that he

gave orders and others quickly complied. The seaman in charge of the

lighthouse did not recognize the power of the captain as supreme.

Without this recognition, the captain had no power.

The belief people have in your ability to lead, to take care of them,

and to provide superior direction is what gives you power, not the

symbols of authority. Power is the result of the gifts of trust, loyalty,

and support that others choose to give you. Whether you believe you

are powerful or not is immaterial. When your leadership inspires people,

they give you discretionary effort. When they choose to let you

lead, they grant you power. When people feel safe with you, they give

you the gift of trust. If you violate these gifts or take them for granted,

you lose credibility and your ability to influence others.

Position and title do not

come with automatic rights.

Real power is the gift of trust and alignment

that others choose to give to you.

It is not enough to have power; leaders must transform symbolic

authority into real power. Spending years stumbling through one com-

62 Say It Right the First Time

munication problem after another is frustrating and unproductive. A

new way of thinking is required. Today, power comes from people and

relationships. The traditional hierarchical model of status and command

rights has been replaced by the new power source of relationships.

Once you understand the difference between symbols of

authority and real power, this becomes clear. These new insights underscore

the need for leaders to gain trust and create authentic alignment.

X

SYMBOLIC POWER REAL POWER

What you get . . . What you earn . . .

• Minimal effort to get • Discretionary effort

the job done with spurts above and beyond what is

of discretionary effort. necessary and expected.

• Resignation and shrinking • Ownership, collaborathe

game to defined areas tion, and personal

of responsibility. accountability for overall

results.

• Compliance-publicly • Alignment-authentically

supporting your leadership supporting your leadership

and initiatives while privately and initiatives in all

engaging in hallway situations.

conspiracies.

• "Wait and see" attitude, • Trust and the willingness

low-risk and noncommittal to make a leap of faith.

behavior.

Your Power, Your Position, and Its Impact 63

Leaders who know how to connect with people and gain their

trust are able to tap the collective intelligence and energy of an organization.

Power used effectively inspires positive action in others. Used

ineffectively, it creates resignation. In a position of authority, you are

accountable for your impact on others. Learning how to gain real

power to nurture and restore the spirit of people will allow you to

produce unprecedented results. It starts with learning the new language

of inclusion and cooperation and letting go of the old language

of directives and commands.

Living in a Fishbowl

To those who have it, power is not obvious. It is something that simply

exists. You probably don't think about power at all-it's automatic.

Accepting responsibility and making things happen is what you do every

day no matter where you are. Your take-charge attitude and assertive personality

naturally move you into positions of authority and status. You

are not afraid to take risks, challenge the status quo, and go where no

one has gone before. This is what you do, and you are good at it.

But consider how you got to where you are. Even though you are

in a position of authority right now, it hasn't always been that way.

You grew into this position-you did not just arrive there. But to others

you have always had power. Many people did not see your rise up.

They just see where you are now. Despite your attempts to convince

them that you are just like them, they have a different perspective. To

them you came, you arrived, and you have power.

From your viewpoint, there has been a logical progression to your

development as a leader. You are the same person you have always

been. Position, authority, and status have not changed who you are.

64 Say It Right the First Time

Your core values have remained the same, your beliefs have not altered,

and your personality has not changed. You are just doing what you do

best-making things happen. In your mind, you think you are like

everyone else-just one of the gang working hard to produce results.

But you are not like everyone else. As a leader you are judged by

different standards, and no one has ever told you what those standards

are. You live in a fishbowl where others watch and judge you at

all times. Walk out of a meeting and talk to people in an abrupt manner,

and conclusions are immediately drawn. People decide whether

you are in a good or bad mood. Their conclusion, accurate or inaccurate,

is passed on to others affecting focus, productivity, and morale.

Let's face it, you are not one of the gang and never will be again. Until

you come to grips with this certainty you will be frustrated, disappointed,

and dissatisfied.

You are not one of the gang

and you never will be again.

You live in a fishbowl.

You are being watched at all times.

In effect, no amount of hard work or visionary ability will make

your dreams a reality until you learn how to achieve real power. The

only way out of this maze is to understand and be accountable for

how your power impacts others.

Seriously Underestimating Your Power

Because you are a leader, what you say is put on "loudspeaker" and

magnified many times. Your words blast through an organization at

Your Power, Your Position, and Its Impact 65

the speed of light. How you say something is dissected, examined,

and scrutinized at the most detailed level. You are in the spotlight and

nothing you say or do will take you out of it.

Problems occur not because leaders have power

but because they behave as if they don't.

From your point of view, communication should be easy. When

you say "go left," that's what you mean: Go left. But that is not what

they hear. Your power, position, and authority color everything. You

think you are saying the right thing, using the right words, and then

Wham! Suddenly and inexplicably you are in trouble. Someone reacts

to what you said or did not say, how you said it, the words you used,

or the images your words created. Whatever you said is gone from

your mind. Although you have moved on, others have not. They are

replaying your words over and over again in their minds. Worse yet

they are spreading the word and telling others what you "said," and

it isn't good. And it is true that bad news travels fast-very, very fast.

You now have a dilemma. As a leader, your job is to create a compelling

future and bring new realities into existence. Yet how you

speak often leaves people immobilized and locked in the past. They

are stuck with words you wish you never said-words that damage

people's spirits. Instead of inspiring people, your words can paralyze

them and stop the action.

Producing results would be easy if you weren't working with

people. But that would require that you live on another planet. Your

job is to produce results through people, not in spite of them. To

achieve real power, there are three undeniable truths that leaders

must understand:

66 Say It Right the First Time

1. You have power.

2. You underestimate your power.

3. You are not in control of your power.

The last statement is the most difficult to accept. The sooner you

realize you are not in control, the faster you can get out of your own

way. How others perceive and experience you determines your future.

You can influence and shape your future, but you cannot control people.

Try it and you will fail. This is one reality you cannot escape

unless you work alone, report to no one, and retreat to your cave at

the end of each day.

The Invisible Cloak: How You Wear Power

There are three typical ways in which leaders don the cloak of power:

They reduce power, amplify power, or respect power. How do you

respond to having power? You may vacillate between two response

styles or find you have a definite preference.

Response 1: Leaders Who Reduce Power

Talking as if they are one of the gang. Minimizing or reducing power by

using an overabundance of deferring statements, hedges, and softeners.

Response 2: Leaders Who Amplify Power

Using exclusive language, directives, commands, and parental language

when speaking. Talking and speaking with little or no awareness

of their impact on others.

Your Power, Your Position, and Its Impact 67

Response 3: Leaders Who Respect Power

Being accountable for their impact on others-the source of real

power, not symbolic authority. Speaking to connect with people and

gain their trust by using the language of inclusion and cooperation.

The first response, the denial of power, is fueled by the need to be

liked and accepted. Frequently, this response occurs with people new

to leadership positions who find it awkward to take charge, especially

if they are managing someone who was previously their peer or boss.

To downplay their newly acquired position and demonstrate to others

that they have not changed, they often defer decisions to others, allowing

consensus to dominate decision-making. Although a fine leadership

skill, consensus used to the exclusion of taking a stand and making

unpopular decisions erodes both the credibility and results of leaders.

X

Avoiding Making Decisions

Speaking That Derails

• "It's your decision. I'm just here to provide information."

• "What do you think? I'll just go along with the group."

• "Whatever you decide is fine with me. I'm just here to support

you."

• "I'd rather not decide. It's up to the team."

Why it doesn't work: Using questions exclusively minimizes power

and defers decision making to others. On the surface, this looks

good. The problem is that the leader avoids taking unpopular

68 Say It Right the First Time

stands. The word just in this context says, "I'm not important here."

It diminishes the value of the person speaking and reduces power.

Those who love power tend to use directives and exclusionary and

parental language. This type of speaking can unconsciously trigger emotional

reactions of defiance. Since the earliest association with power is

by and large the parent-child relationship, it is understandable why people

revert to language learned in the home. Parental, directive language

is appropriate and necessary for the safety and well-being of children.

As a child grows into an adult, this language is typically replaced with

words that provide choice rather than command statements.

Speaking in a commanding "I want, I need, I will have" manner

turns people off. Let's take the example of the leader who says, "You

should know what to do. I've told you what I want more than once!"

This type of message shuts people down and causes them to clam up.

Adults do not like being told what they should and should not do. One

of the most pressing problems revealed in employee surveys is that people

do not feel safe to speak up. When managers and leaders send a message

telling others their input is not needed or valued, people become

resigned and shrink the game. Say good-bye to discretionary effort.

X

Shutting People Down

Speaking That Derails

• "I've made my decision. Now let's move on."

• "I want this handled immediately and this is what I want

done. . . ."

Your Power, Your Position, and Its Impact 69

• "I will not tolerate this. Change it now."

• "You've got to be kidding! This is not what I asked for."

Why it doesn't work: The predominance of the word I (instead

of we, our, or us) is an example of exclusionary language. Leaders

who fall in love with power speak as if they are the center of

the universe with everyone else revolving around them.

The third and most effective response to having status and authority

is a "respect for power." This balanced response is what gives leaders

real power rather than symbolic authority. It takes into account

how power impacts people. When a leader respects power-rather

than minimizing power or resorting to control-people feel included,

valued, and personally connected to the leader. People respond by giving

trust, experiencing authentic alignment, and acting as owners.

Collaborating and working together is fun and easy. Morale goes up

as people feel that they are a valued part of the team, group, or organization.

Leaders who have a healthy respect for power create an environment

of collaboration and trust.

X

Collaborating and Including People

Speaking Accountably

• "We face a number of challenges such as . . ."

• "We had a tough first quarter but I'm optimistic about what

we can do. . . ."

70 Say It Right the First Time

• "We can't ignore the problem but together we can resolve it."

• "We need everyone on board."

Why it works: The use of the word we is an example of inclusionary

language. People feel connected, included, and valued.

They are not alone; they are part of a larger group, and the leader

is right in there with them.

Bear in mind that people want to contribute and make a difference.

It is up to the leader to foster an environment of cooperation

and partnership. The language of inclusion extends to words and

phrases that elicit the feeling of being valued and included as part of

a winning team.

X

Collaborating and Working Together

Speaking Accountably

• Our team, our group, • Together

our future

• Collaborate • All of us

• Cooperate • With your support

• Commit to the success • Trust the commitment

of one another of people

• Work together • Partner

Your Power, Your Position, and Its Impact 71

• Team player • Side-by-side

• Helpful • Unbeatable team

• Support one another • Collectively

• Relationships • Join forces

The difference between symbolic power and real power is the

common thread that runs through this discussion. Real power is both

respecting your power and being accountable for how it affects others.

The shift from symbolic authority to real power unlocks the ability

of people to be extraordinary leaders.

Compliance Is Not Alignment

You cannot use authority, control, or power to manipulate or control

people without grave consequences. Leaders who consciously or

unconsciously use their power forcefully face serious repercussions.

People will comply only to protect their jobs and careers.

But compliance is not alignment. Compliance is a temporary

accommodation to meet the requirements of the person in charge.

On the surface, compliance appears to be agreement. Below the surface,

it frequently erupts into passive-aggressive behavior: people

doing and saying things that are in direct contradiction with what

you think they agreed to. When people say "yes" to something or

someone, they do not authentically agree with, they resent it-big

time. Compliance leads to hallway conspiracies, people privately conferring

and disagreeing with you while publicly complying with what

you want. Compliance is the furthest thing from ownership and

72 Say It Right the First Time

accountability. It is temporary, fleeting, and does not represent genuine

leadership support.

Alignment, on the other hand, is when people set aside their personal

preferences and own the decision or direction as if they were

the authors of it. Because alignment is an authentic choice, people

talk and behave as owners. There is no blame, finger-pointing, or

resentment in their speaking. When leaders use their power as force

they get compliance; when leaders are accountable for their use of

power they get alignment.

The way in which you speak creates a reaction in others. The most

frequent misuse of power is speaking in a parental, "command-andcontrol"

manner. Language that generates alignment acknowledges

your authority while simultaneously including others. This language

produces authentic alignment where words and behavior are consistent,

makes people feel safe to speak up, and inspires people to make

things happen.

Phrases that result in compliance are, in effect, control statements.

These types of statements shut people down so they do not speak up;

produce compliance, a false sense of alignment, and hallway conspiracies;

and create negative reactions.

X

Phrases That Phrases That

Produce Compliance Generate Alignment

Avoid: Replace with:

• Don't question me. • Ask any question you have:

There is no such thing as an

Your Power, Your Position, and Its Impact 73

unimportant question. Your

thoughts are valuable to me.

• Do it because I said it. • My opinion is one point of

view. This has to be a decision

we make together.

• I'm in charge here, • Although I have the final

not you. responsibility, I sincerely

want your input.

• I make the decisions. • You can always count on me

to listen. I may not always

agree, but I will always listen.

• You heard me. • When you do not understand

something I say, it

means I did not explain it

well. So please ask me to

clarify whatever is on your

mind.

When you have compliance instead of alignment, people give minimum

effort and do only what they need to do. A command-and-control

leader, one who amplifies power, is viewed as a bully rather than

a credible and inspiring leader. Under the reign (or terror) of command

and control, morale and performance suffer. Additionally, people

do not feel connected with a leader who is exclusionary and

directive. The need for an authentic relationship with a leader is strong.

People want to feel included, inspired, and connected to their leaders.

74 Say It Right the First Time

Key Communication Principles

Principle 1: You are not one of

the gang and never will be again.

Think Twice. People want leaders to lead. You are no longer one of

the gang, and they don't want you to be. What people want is for

leaders to lead, not win a popularity contest. This means being willing

to take a stand, go out on a limb, or take an unpopular position.

Trying to be one of the gang minimizes your ability to lead and

annoys others. People already know you are not one of the gang. They

know that you have power and authority over them. You can be collaborative

and be a strong leader without resorting to command-andcontrol

tactics.

Action. If you have a tendency to minimize your power, practice using

declarative statements (rather than questions) to express your point

of view.

Principle 2: You are the last person

to hear about what is really going on.

Think Twice. Once you are a leader, information goes underground.

You are the last person to hear what is going on. Hallway conspiracies

and the grapevine replace direct communication to you.

Action. Practice giving people explicit permission to ask questions,

give you feedback, and coach you. The more you do this, the more

you will receive direct communication.

Your Power, Your Position, and Its Impact 75

Principle 3: You cannot not communicate.

Think Twice. All behavior communicates. You cannot not communicate-

there is no such thing. No response is a response. Your words,

tone of voice, silence, and behavior communicate a message. Everything

you do or do not do communicates. You are in a fishbowl, and

everyone is watching and judging you.

Action. When communicating, ask yourself: "What message am I

really sending?" When in doubt, reconsider what you are communicating.

Principle 4: Real power is what others give you:

the gifts of their trust, alignment, and support.

Think Twice. Symbolic power-the symbols of title, authority, and

status-are not the same as real power. Real power is what others

choose to give you. You cannot have a leader without followers. You

get your power from others. They give you the gifts of trust, alignment,

and support.

Action. Do one thing each day that allows people to connect with

you. This might include encouraging someone, including someone,

or asking a person for his or her input. Demonstrate that others are

important.

76 Say It Right the First Time

Section

II

Your Words and

How They Trigger

Action and Reaction

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4

The Black Hole

How to Make Your Point So

What You Say Is What They Hear

79

Your Purpose

To maximize understanding and reduce confusion by providing

positive direction, clarity, and focus.

The best way to really enter minds that hate complexity and confusion

is to oversimplify your message. . . . The lesson here is not

to try and tell your entire story. Just focus on one powerful attribute

and drive it into the mind.

Jack Trout with Steve Rivkin

The New Positioning

Copyright 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Click Here for Terms of Use.

The chairperson of a Fortune 100 company expressed frustration

about her senior management team: "We discuss our strategic business

issues, then align on strategy. Six months later I discover nothing

has been implemented. I'm upset and disappointed. They actually

think they are giving me what I want. They're not listening at all! All

this time and work and nothing sticks."

This is not a unique frustration or concern for leaders. In over 20

years of working with CEOs and executives, a recurrent theme

emerges: "Employees don't do what I say." The problem exists on both

small and large scales. Major organizational initiatives, such as total

quality management, reengineering, and high performance, result in

little or no action. Or a project report that was due on your desk

Monday morning is still not there by Thursday.

But my communication is clear and direct, you argue. It may be

in your mind but not to others. You think you send clear messages.

Then you are blindsided by a complete and utter misunderstanding

of what you think you said. Perhaps it is a report, a review of project

results, or something as simple as distributing a memo to a select

group. You stare in disbelief at the documents and/or people in front

of you. How in the world did they come up with this after you were

explicit and spoke directly to the point? You feel enormously let down

and aggravated with their incompetence.

Stop and listen carefully: What you said is not what they heard.

Communication is fraught with difficulties because we think our

words carry the same meaning for others as they do for us. They do

not. Words are symbolic, and people attach their own private interpretation

to what you say. For example, a disgruntled leader walked

into a meeting with his direct reports. He told them in no uncertain

80 Say It Right the First Time

terms they were failing miserably in demonstrating their commitment

to the high-performance initiative, and he wanted this situation corrected

fast. The leader envisioned his direct reports setting up discussions

and meetings where they could talk face-to-face with their

subordinates. But his direct reports had a different interpretation.

They moved fast, sending memos and e-mails to their subordinates.

Same words-different meaning.

When a leader fails to clearly communicate his or her expectations,

problems occur. Unmet expectations lead to disappointments-

lots of them. People filter and interpret what they think you mean

and do what they think you want. The operational word is think.

Without clarity, focus, and direction, the probability of accurate message

transmission is low.

There is a great distance between what you say and what they

hear. Bridging this distance to ensure controlled meaning and understanding

of your messages is the purpose of this chapter.

Entering the Black Hole

What causes the gap between your direction and their implementation

and execution? To answer this question, let's begin with where your messages

are sent. They travel to the black hole: the place in the mind where

all messages end up for interpreting, sorting, storing, or deleting. Noise

and competing stimuli are coming from all directions. Your message

journeys into minds that are inundated and overwhelmed with too much

information, changes, confusion, and uncertainty. Every time you speak,

numerous factors affect how your words are interpreted and acted upon.

It is not surprising that messages become scrambled or lost altogether.

The Black Hole 81

How can you maximize understanding and reduce confusion?

Numerous outside forces affect what people hear, but there is only

one force you can control: you. Focusing on changing others does not

solve the problem. In fact, this is the problem-you're thinking it is

they and not you. Sometimes it is they, and you are dealing with a

competency issue. However, you must carefully discern if the

failure to execute is a competency or communication issue. A competency

issue tells you the person is in the wrong job. A communication

issue reveals the need for greater clarity and precision.

Organizations lose many talented people by incorrectly diagnosing

this important distinction.

Let's return to the chairperson in the example at the opening of

this chapter. To produce a different outcome, she could (1) hire new

people, (2) change the behavior of others, or (3) change what she is

doing. It takes more time, money, and effort to attempt to alter the

behavior of people. Plus the success ratio is quite low when it comes

to changing others. Short of designing a customized program to teach

people how to understand you, the most expedient route is to work

on how you can say it right the first time. Not only will it prevent

countless breakdowns but it will also put you in the driver's seat.

Instead of expecting or hoping that others will understand, you can

steer the conversation in the direction you want it to go.

It starts with having the right focus. A great deal of time is wasted

when leaders travel down the ineffective path of trying to change others.

When it comes to getting your point across, you must first ask

yourself, "Where is my focus?"

82 Say It Right the First Time

X

Where Is Your Focus?

Question 1: How can I get others to listen better? Or

Question 2: How can I say what I want them to hear?

The first question, "How can I get others to listen better?" focuses

on changing how others hear and process information. Although the

question seems to ask, "What can I do?" it actually places accountability

on what other people do or do not do. The question implies

that others are responsible for how they listen. Of course it is true:

People are responsible for how they listen, but that is a subject for

another book. The focus of this book is how to alter the way in which

you communicate to dramatically increase results. The second question

emphasizes your accountability and places full emphasis on what

you say. Once again, you are in control. You can always change your

own behavior. Always.

What You Said Is Not What They Heard

People cannot do what you say until they understand what you want.

The problem with communication is that we use words and phrases

without recognizing that they mean different things to different people.

When you say, "I want more effort," what do people hear? Most

likely they hear your disappointment in them. When private meanings

are assigned to shared words, the result is confusion, anxiety, and

chaos. What comes out of your mouth journeys a long way before it

is interpreted, filtered, massaged, and finally heard.

The Black Hole 83

X

JUST BECAUSE YOU "SAID IT"

DOES NOT MEAN . . .

Anyone heard you.

Anyone heard you correctly.

Anyone cares.

Have you ever seen what happens when someone says, "I don't

understand"? A typical response of the speaker is to talk louder and

repeat the message using the exact same words. Increasing volume or

duplicating a message does not magically make people understand.

Instead, it annoys them. When people say, "I don't understand," they

are asking for clarification, not repetition with volume. Do not confuse

using the same words with the need to repeat your message using

multiple communication channels (for example, electronic, verbal, or

written). The key to understanding and retention is to deliver the

same message or theme in different ways.

X

JUST BECAUSE YOU SAID IT

REPEATEDLY

DOES NOT MEAN . . .

Anyone is moving.

Anyone is moving fast.

Anyone is moving in the right direction.

84 Say It Right the First Time

How a leader communicates expectations makes all the difference.

A message about working harder, for example, can create

an uproar in an organization when words are misunderstood. In

one company, the head of a business unit, in a moment of frustration,

said she did not want to see the parking lot empty at

5 p.m. She was making a point, not being literal. But too late. Her

words created a reaction. What the employees heard was, "No

matter when you arrive, you are not to leave until well after

5 p.m." Quite a few employees usually arrived early to work, starting

at 6 a.m. when the office was quiet, and they could accomplish

a great deal. After hearing the leader's message, they changed

their behavior all right. They stayed until after 5 p.m. but no

longer came early to work. By expressing her frustration in an

unclear manner, the leader lost what she was trying to gain: greater

productivity and efficiency.

X

WHAT YOU SAY and WHAT THEY HEAR

What You Say: We have an exciting new opportunity.

What They Hear: We have a lot more work.

What You Say: This new initiative focuses on our quality

efforts.

What They Hear: This new initiative focuses on blah, blah,

blah.

What You Say: This is urgent; it is our top priority.

What They Hear: Everything is urgent.

The Black Hole 85

What You Say: I need to see harder work, more effort,

and better results.

What They Hear: Give me your firstborn.

What You Say: We have a major organizational change.

What They Hear: Start looking for another job.

So why is it so difficult for people to understand what you are

saying? Why is your message often misinterpreted? How can people

possibly be confused after you have delivered a clear, straightforward

statement? How can one word or phrase spoken by you create so

much commotion? How many times do you have to repeat the same

message for people to get it? Why is communication such a challenge?

The reason: We are not speaking the same language. Just because

we use the same verbal communication system within a culture does

not mean we are speaking the same language. It is as if one person is

speaking Spanish and the other French. People have their own unique

filter for interpreting what they hear and supplying what's missing.

They filter what you say through colored lenses based on the past,

their personal history, preferences, and many other areas. For instance,

when people are resigned and skeptical, they hear a version of "here

we go again" every time you speak. Leaders are deluded into believing

that everyone speaks the same language and therefore has the same

meanings for words.

The Mind Fills in the Blanks

If your message is unclear or ambiguous, others will fill in the blanks

by making up the meaning in their minds. People filter what you say

86 Say It Right the First Time

based on their personal experiences and beliefs. Your words are translated

and interpreted. The mind makes meaning out of information

by building patterns, filling in the blanks, and selectively attending

to information and stimuli. If a manager, for instance, has a high

regard for an employee, he or she will adjust all information to support

this view. The "anointed chosen ones" can do no wrong regardless

of information to the contrary. Similarly when people "fall in

love," they only hear and attend to information that supports their

beliefs. The rest is discarded. When the feeling of "falling in love" is

replaced with "being in love," the lost illusion is often enough to

destroy a budding relationship.

The following story offers a good example of how the mind selectively

attends to information and then fills in the blanks to support

the existing beliefs.

There was a well-liked farmer who was accused of stealing a pig

from a rancher who was disliked by everyone. They went to court

over the pig, and the jurors rendered the following verdict: "The

farmer is not guilty, but he must return the pig."

The judge was perplexed by this verdict. He instructed the jurors

to leave and not return until they had a verdict that made sense. The

jurors left the room, and their loud voices could be heard down the

hall. Shortly they returned and the judge asked, "Have you reached

a new verdict?" "We have, your honor," answered the foreman. "The

farmer is not guilty, and he can keep the pig."

The moral to the story is clear: People will find evidence or distort

information and reality to fit their beliefs. Or said another way,

meanings are in people, not in words. The question remains: Why do

people fill in the blanks? Because they want certainty, meaning, and

The Black Hole 87

purpose. People want to know they are on the right track and that

what they are doing supports the larger efforts of the organization.

The mind filters and interprets every message it receives. When the

message is unclear, ambiguous, or incomplete, the mind fills in the

blanks.

Communicating to Both Minds

There is hope. You can maximize understanding and reduce confusion

by communicating to two minds, not one. To inspire positive

action, both the conscious and unconscious mind must be engaged.

If you want your message to be understood, talk to the conscious

mind (left brain); if you want it to be remembered, communicate to

the unconscious mind (right brain).

The conscious mind wants structure and order whereas the

unconscious mind remembers feelings and subjective experiences.

Further, the conscious mind has limited storage capacity, which

explains why people can easily forget information especially when

there is a lot of it. In contrast, the unconscious mind has unlimited

memory and storage capacity. This clarifies why people can remember

feelings and experiences but forget what was said. It is essential

to leave people with positive experiences because when everything else

fades, they still remember how you made them feel.

Long after people forget what you said,

they remember how you made them feel.

Most leaders do not understand the difference between the two

minds. Their information-loaded messages often miss the mark as

88 Say It Right the First Time

they present facts, logic, and details to the conscious mind while

ignoring the subjective feelings and experiences recorded by the

unconscious. The consequence? People are unenthused; while you are

speaking they're thinking, "Here we go again."

When you communicate accountably, you engage both the conscious

and unconscious minds and inspire positive action. Let's examine

how this works. The words inspiration and positive fit into the

category of feelings or subjective experiences. How people feel when

they walk away from a discussion or meeting is stored in the unconscious.

This includes feelings such as inspired, deflated, upset, angry,

encouraged, or demoralized. Long after people forget what you said,

they remember how you made them feel.

The word action connotes moving forward in a specific direction

and falls in the category of logic and thinking, the domain of the conscious

mind. People structure and organize what you say and fill in

the blanks where information is missing. This takes place in the conscious

mind. If you fail to clarify the outcome for a sensitive discussion,

for example, the listener will search for your agenda rather than

attending to the message.

What happens when you communicate exclusively to one side of

the brain? If you communicate only to the conscious mind, you may

get your point across, but in the end there will be little enthusiasm

and only intellectual buy-in. On the other hand, when you communicate

only to the unconscious mind, people experience positive feelings

and are inspired, but there is no action.

The short version is that the conscious mind needs structure and

order; the unconscious records feelings and experiences. When you

don't provide structure and order, people fill in the blanks. When you

fail to provide positive experiences, people withhold their energy and

The Black Hole 89

commitment. The mission is to communicate to the two minds. Maximize

understanding, reduce confusion, and ensure retention by providing

organization for the conscious mind, and creating positive

experiences for the unconscious.

X

Give the Conscious Mind Give the Unconscious Mind

STRUCTURE AND ORDER POSITIVE EXPERIENCES

• Say what you want: Be • Focus on positive

clear and concise. Keep it outcomes: State your

simple and straightforward. outcome in positive

language. Be specific.

Example: I want you to Example: Our outcome is to

champion this initiative. align on how to introduce

the initiative.

• Emphasize what is • Talk in positive language:

important: Highlight Reinforce what you want

critical messages and key (e.g., "improve productivity"

points. Focus on only versus "avoid inefficiency").

one or two. Keep it bite-size.

Example: There are two Example: Our first task is to

specific areas that need enroll and engage others.

your attention.

• Be specific about • Create positive feelings:

expectations: Clearly Express how you value the

90 Say It Right the First Time

communicate what you person and the

want and include a "by relationship.

when" time frame.

Example: I want a written Example: Your leadership

plan by Tuesday. makes a tremendous

difference. I appreciate your

energy and commitment.

Why it works: When you Why it works: When you

provide order and structure provide an encouraging focus

for the conscious mind, and leave people with positive

people listen to what you are feelings, it raises spirits and

saying, rather than search morale. People want to feel

for your agenda. good.

Solving the Right Problem

One of the most common communication breakdowns is trying to

solve a problem before understanding it. That's why discussing desired

outcomes before the discussion gets under way is invaluable. The mere

act of mutually agreeing on the outcome or problem forces critical

thinking and analysis. A lot of time is wasted when people are solving

different problems or the wrong problem.

Outcomes provide direction for the conscious mind. When you

start a discussion or meeting, tell people what you want or ask everyone

to mutually agree on the outcome. If you don't, they will fill in

the blanks or stop listening altogether. Keep in mind that when the

conscious mind has insufficient direction and focus, it wanders. The

purpose of starting with your outcome is to orient participants in the

The Black Hole 91

discussion. It also allows the conscious mind to stop searching for the

agenda. In turn, people relax and message receptivity increases.

X

Discuss Outcomes Before Solutions

Speaking Accountably

• "Now, before we jump to solving this problem, let's both agree

on where we are headed."

• "Let's make sure we are solving the same problem. What do

you see as the issue?"

• "What results do we want from our meeting today?"

• "What problem are we trying to solve?"

• "I want to defer discussing any solutions until we have a

complete understanding of the problem. Now, what happened

. . . ?"

Why it works: The conscious mind works best with structure and

direction. When you start with your outcome, you define where

the conversation is headed. Conversely, having no outcome or solving

the wrong problem produces uncertainty and confusion and

wastes time. The above statements rein in the discussion so solutions

are not the issue until the problem is correctly identified.

Once the outcome or desired results are mutually agreed upon,

then generating solutions makes sense. As you engage in the conver-

92 Say It Right the First Time

sation, periodically check to make sure all parties are focused on the

same outcome or problem. This is exceptionally useful in meetings

where conversations have a way of wandering off to topics unrelated

to solving the problem.

Communicating Priorities

People cannot read your mind. If you have a preference for how and

when something is to be done, say it; do not imply it. Otherwise, you

will be disappointed when your employees do not deliver what you

want. Managers frequently assume people know what to do and then

are disappointed with the results. To avoid disappointment, clearly

articulate your expectations.

Do not be disappointed

when people don't give you what you didn't ask for.

There are only two conditions when it is acceptable not to set priorities:

(1) You do not have a preference for when or how a project is

handled, or (2) you have given the other party accountability for making

these decisions. As a word of caution, even the best performers

will make judgment calls different from yours. So when you give people

accountability, do not crucify them when they do not do what

you would have done. Great minds do not always think alike.

Your choice is to state clearly expectations and priorities or to give

people accountability to make these decisions. Doing something in

between, such as implying expectations or talking in generalities, only

serves to increase anxiety and stress. It naturally follows that when stress

and anxiety are on the rise, performance and productivity go down.

The Black Hole 93

X

When Priorities Are Unclear

Speaking That Derails

• "This needs to be done by Friday along with everything else."

• "Just add this to your list."

• "This is important. But don't forget about . . ."

• "You set the priorities, just make sure you get 'X,' 'Y,' and 'Z'

done also."

• "I want this done as soon as possible."

• "I'd like to see the results this week."

• "Make this your top priority along with 'X,' 'Y,' and

'Z.'"

Why it doesn't work: The statements are vague and ambiguous.

Additionally, some statements create confusion and send an

incongruent message such as, "Put this at the top of your list

along with 'X,' 'Y,' and 'Z.'" Now everything is at the top of the

list, and all order has been eliminated. Priorities remain unclear

and unresolved.

Be explicit when you give people accountability. Do not assume

anything. Make sure others understand the extent of their accountability

or two weeks later they will be knocking at your door to ask

you a question that you expected them to answer.

94 Say It Right the First Time

X

Giving Others Responsibility

Speaking Accountably

• "You know what's on your plate. Let me know by Friday what

is a reasonable deadline for you."

• "Think about how quickly this can be done without sacrificing

other critical areas. Can you tell me Monday when this

can be completed?"

• "This is a priority assignment. How and when can you

accomplish this? Think about it and advise me early next

week."

Why it works: The statements are direct; each has a specific

action requested. The individual is asked to look at the big picture

and establish priorities and a time for completion. Asking

for a "by when" time makes the request manageable. It gives you

something tangible-a time commitment for holding the person

accountable for delivery.

In business today there are many competing priorities. When you

add one more to the pile, order and urgency must be determined. If

you do not communicate priorities, others will establish them. In

many cases this is exactly what you expect of people reporting to you:

the ability to establish priorities. However, this still requires a mutual

understanding of what is urgent and what is really urgent. Basically,

information is sorted into these two categories. Everything competes

The Black Hole 95

for top billing. Being clear about your expectations requires discipline

on your part. It means knowing precisely what you want and stating

it clearly.

If everything is urgent, nothing is urgent.

An "everything must be done now" message

cancels out both order and speed.

Checking Clarity and Assumptions along the Way

Reviewing along the way what people are hearing is a useful and efficient

skill. If you wait until the end of a lengthy discussion or meeting,

you will have wasted valuable time. Checking for clarity during a

conversation helps you avoid surprises. Your purpose is to review where

you are in the discussion and verify assumptions and clarify meaning.

X

Checking for Clarity

Speaking Accountably

• "Before we move on to the next point, let me see if I understand

you clearly . . ."

• "I want to make sure I understand where we both are in this

discussion. Are you saying . . . ?"

• "Let's pause for a second and see if we both agree on . . ."

• "Before going any further, here's what I see as the challenge.

. . . Does this match your understanding?"

96 Say It Right the First Time

Why it works: Problem solving and decisions are based on

cumulative premises and assertions. The above statements provide

a way to press the pause button and check for mutual

understanding.

Checking for clarity also includes examining assumptions. It is

not news that assumptions can get people in trouble. Because meanings

are in people, not in words, it is important to discover how people

interpret what you are saying. Stop the discussion and ask for

clarification of specific statements or vague words.

X

Checking Assumptions

Speaking Accountably

• "When you say 'X,' what do you mean?"

• "When I said 'X,' I meant . . . Is that what you heard?"

• "I assumed that meant . . . Is this true for you?"

• "Is that your experience?"

• "Is this your understanding?"

Why it works: The questions gather information about how the

individual interpreted a message. Since all messages are filtered,

it is essential to find out what the person really heard. If you do

not check assumptions along the way, you will not discover the

difference in interpretation until a breakdown occurs. This often

results in costly mistakes and lost time.

The Black Hole 97

Tell Them What You Want,

Not What You Don't Want

One of the most common pitfalls for leaders is focusing on what is

inconsistent, missing, wrong, or inaccurate. Trained in critical thinking

and analysis, leaders often attend to what is missing before they

communicate what is needed. As a result, many leaders are more highly

skilled in articulating what they don't want than what they do want.

How about you? Are the first words out of your mouth centered

on what is wrong? If your answer is "yes," you belong to an everexpanding

group. Hectic schedules, stress, and the need to get things

done fast exacerbate this situation. Correcting, fixing, or avoiding

takes precedence over creating, building, or generating. This approach

would be fine if negative input and direction (that is, what is not

wanted or needed) motivated people. It seldom does. In the short

term, negative direction can light a fire and get people to take action.

In the long term, feeling valued and appreciated diminishes, along

with meaning and purpose, and morale falls.

The problem is not that leaders use negative or "what's missing"

statements. The problem is talking only in negatives or ignoring the

order in which issues are presented. Start with a positive outcome

before discussing what needs to be corrected.

The unconscious mind stores and remembers how things feel.

When you are unhappy with the performance of someone who

reports to you, how do you communicate? Do you start with "I'm not

getting good feedback on your . . ." This start typifies the "what's missing"

approach. The person hears, "Don't do this, don't do that."

Telling a person what's missing is generally based on a breakdown or

problem. It is easy to articulate what happened and what needs to be

98 Say It Right the First Time

corrected. It is much more difficult, but infinitely more powerful, to

generate and articulate the future you want for someone.

X

Provide Positive Direction

Speaking Accountably

• Avoid: "I'm not getting good feedback on how your group is

partnering with others."

Replace with: "I want you to lead the way in building a collaborative

organization known for its partnerships with other business

units. To do this, we need to work together on . . ."

• Avoid: "Your people are not responding well to your leadership.

They do not feel that you listen."

Replace with: "I need your help in raising morale. Specifically, I

want you to create a safe environment where people feel heard

and valued. This means that we need to take a look at the feedback

from your people on . . ."

• Avoid: "You miss important details in your analysis and reports."

Replace with: "You and I are both committed to quality. I need

you to model and demonstrate quality in everything you do. To

start with, we need to . . ."

Why it works: Unless you are ready to fire the individual, paint

a positive picture of what you want. When you provide positive

direction, inspiration, and a clear focus on what is needed, the

The Black Hole 99

response is immediate and favorable. Negative direction can also

get an immediate response, but it is usually not favorable.

Positive statements yield positive results. When you focus people

on what you want, they head in that direction. If you only tell people

what you don't want, they lose focus and inspiration. The key is to balance

how you communicate. Of course it is necessary to communicate

what's missing and wrong. However, if done in a positive framework,

people will be more efficient and effective in correcting the problem.

The best formula is to "frame" your message so that what you want is

the goal and correcting what's missing is the way to achieve it.

X

Delivering Negative Feedback in a Positive Way

Speaking Accountably

Step 1: Provide positive direction

You: "The reason I wanted to meet is to make sure we are both

heading in the same direction."

Why it works: Starting with a positive outcome sets the tone for

the conversation. It also establishes a feeling of partnership. Starting

with negative direction, such as, "Your recent report was full

of mistakes," leaves the person feeling alone and on the defensive.

Step 2: State your concern

You: "Your recent report raised some questions for me. I'd like

to go over several specific points."

100 Say It Right the First Time

Why it works: "Being direct works. People respond well to a

straightforward comment."

Step 3: Take accountability

Subordinate: "I wasn't sure what you wanted and hopefully this

discussion will help me."

You: "That's my intention. I want to make sure I'm clear about

what is needed from you."

Why it works: Accountable language is non-blameful. The statement

"I want to make sure I'm clear . . ." is an example of taking

accountability and using the word I instead of you. On the

other hand, if you said, "You need to be clear . . . ," this statement

places responsibility on the other party, points the finger,

and damages the relationship.

Marking Out Key Points

You already know that the mind wanders, and people do not listen

to every word you say. Auditory and visual distractions, competing

information, and other interruptions vie for attention. The mind

treats all this information equally unless the critical message is marked

out or highlighted. In verbal communication, we do this with voice

intonation, inflection, and body language. In written messages, we

use different fonts, layouts, or print techniques. In conversations, we

can use sentence starters, which are phrases at the beginning of a sentence

that allow the mind to transition to what you are about to say

and remember and mark out your critical points.

The Black Hole 101

The mind takes in an enormous amount of information but what

gets saved and stored depends a great deal on how you say it. Because

the mind wanders in and out, sentence starters-specific words at the

beginning of a sentence-cue the listener about the importance of

what is coming next. Without starters the mind does not have time

to transition. Additionally, when everything is presented as having the

same importance, the mind of the listener chooses when to check in

and check out. You don't get to choose. Nobody attends 100 percent

to a conversation, meeting, or presentation.

It only takes a second or two for the mind to adjust and listen in

a directed way. Sentence starters provide structure and direction for

the conscious mind. While you are talking to people, they are trying

to make sense out of what you are saying. Then halfway through your

message, they understand. But in the process, they missed half of what

you said.

Marking out or highlighting your key points, theme, requests, or

message is invaluable. In the absence of marking out crucial points,

the mind will either treat everything as equal or "make up" what is

important. It is a lot easier to be clear on the front end about what

you want than to engage in rework on the back end because others

did not understand.

X

Marking Out Key Points

Speaking Accountably

• "The key point is . . ."

102 Say It Right the First Time

• "The key feature is . . ."

• "What is most important to recognize is . . ."

• "The real challenge is . . ."

• "We have only one focus. It is . . ."

• "You should anticipate one critical change . . ."

• "If you remember one point, remember this . . ."

• "Here is the most important thing for you to remember . . ."

• "Listen carefully to what I am about to say."

• "The next thing I am going to say will surprise you, but it is

my main point . . ."

• "Of everything I have said to you, there are two things I want

you to act on."

Why it works: When you mark out or highlight key statements,

people remember them. The mind does not stay focused all the

time; it wanders. When introducing or stating your primary or

key point, use a sentence starter to give the mind time to transition

and refocus.

A word of caution: If you overuse sentence starters, you will be

treating everything with the same level of importance. If everything

is critical, nothing is critical. Pick and choose when to use sentence

starters. More is not better.

The Black Hole 103

X

Focus Attention on the Critical Message

Speaking Accountably

Peer: "We have several options. We can make a decision today

or take our chances and wait. What are your thoughts?"

You: "That's true, we could wait, but there is one thing that stands

out for me (pause): Our competitors are already moving on this."

Why it works: The key point is presented with a sentence starter:

"There is one thing that stands out for me." The mind notes it

is about to hear critical information. When you add a starter,

you verbally underline the important facts.

Bringing It All Together

The problem with summarizing is that you do it. Stop. Do not summarize

what you have said. Ask others to do this. How else are you

going to determine if you both have the same meaning? Falling into

the trap of repeating your main points in a summary is just another

opportunity for the mind to wander.

X

Ask Others to Summarize Your Message

Speaking Accountably

• "Would you take a moment and summarize our actions?"

• "Help me make sure I've been clear. What are the key points

you heard?"

104 Say It Right the First Time

• "What main points stand out for you in the discussion we've

just had?"

• "What message are you walking away with today?"

• "I've been talking too much. Would you summarize our

agreements and next steps?"

• "Let's see if I've communicated well. How about summarizing

our actions."

• "Let's check my thinking. What are the key points? Have I

missed anything?"

Why it works: By asking others to summarize, you make them

an active, rather than passive, participant in the conversation.

Being active increases the likelihood for positive impact and

retention. Additionally, it allows you to listen and make sure that

what you said is what they heard.

When the situation does not allow for others to summarize, by

all means, summarize your key points. By using sentence starters, you

cue the mind to listen for the important message in your discussion

or presentation.

X

Summarizing Your Own Message

Speaking Accountably

• "What all this means is . . ."

• "Taken together, what I am saying is . . ."

The Black Hole 105

• "Ultimately . . ."

• "Finally . . ."

• "In short . . ."

• "My message is . . ."

• "In effect . . ."

• "Collectively . . ."

Why it works: By using a brief phrase immediately prior to your

summary, people know they are about to hear important information.

This provides the mind with structure, organization,

and direction.

You may be in a meeting with your boss or a peer. Perhaps his or

her real message or key points is not clear. This is a place where you

can intervene during the discussion to assist in marking out the primary

message.

X

Summarizing Another's Message

Speaking Accountably

• "One theme you keep coming back to seems to be . . ."

• "Let's review what we've discussed so far."

• "I've been thinking about what you've said. I see something

that I'd like to ask about. Did you mean . . . ?"

106 Say It Right the First Time

• "As I've been listening to you, your main concern seems to be

. . ."

• "Let's recap what we've said so far."

Why it works: When you summarize another's message, you not

only demonstrate you are carefully listening but you also assist

the individual in articulating his or her key message. Most people

appreciate an active discussion partner who helps them

process information out loud.

Key Communication Principles

Principle 1: What you said is not what they heard.

Think Twice. All messages are filtered and interpreted. The mind

fades in and out when listening to another person. Providing clear,

direct, and positive messages helps the mind focus and retain what

you communicate. In the absence of this, the mind will fill in the

blanks and make up its own meaning.

Action. Practice stating your outcome or mutually agreeing on the

problem and/or challenge before you begin the discussion. This will

get you in the habit of communicating what you want on the front

end of discussions.

Principle 2: Long after people forget what you said,

they remember how you made them feel.

Think Twice. People remember experiences and feelings more accurately

than they recall words. Positive outcomes and direction foster

The Black Hole 107

an environment where even the most difficult conversations can leave

people feeling good.

Action. Ask people how they feel at the end of the conversation. Simply

ask, "How do you feel about our discussion? Have I left you feeling

positive and inspired or have I missed something?" This gives

people an opportunity to reflect on how they are feeling, and it gives

you a chance to correct anything that is missing.

Principle 3: When everything is urgent, nothing is urgent.

Think Twice. The mind treats all information as equal unless important

points are highlighted or marked out. When leaders fall into the

trap of "wanting everything yesterday," they send a message that everything

is a priority. People are left confused and uncertain as to which

direction to take. As a result, there is a tendency to slow down as a

means of coping with the stress and pressure that multiple priorities

create.

Action. Do one of two things in every discussion: (1) Communicate

your priorities and provide a "by when" date for delivery, or (2) give

the other person accountability for these decisions.

Principle 4: Tell them what you want,

not what you don't want.

Think Twice. Send a positive message that focuses on what you want,

such as, "I need everyone to attend this program." Most leaders send

a "what's missing, " "what's wrong, " or "what to avoid" message, such

108 Say It Right the First Time

as, "I don't want to hear that people haven't attended this program."

A "what's missing" statement leaves people feeling uninspired and

focused on avoidance.

Action. Eliminate "what's missing" statements from your vocabulary

for 24 hours. Replace them with phrases that tell people what you

want instead of what you don't want.

The Black Hole 109

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5

15 Irritating

Word Habits

How They Trigger Reaction

and What to Do About It

111

Your Purpose

To communicate appropriately at all times by replacing bad word

habits with good word choices.

One corporate communications exec to another: "The boss is tired

of old clichés. We've got to get some new ones."

Executive Speechwriter Newsletter

Have you ever been distracted during a conversation by the use of

irritating clichés or slang? Does it annoy you when people continuously

talk about themselves? Now turn this around and ask these

questions about yourself. How do you rate? Do you have word habits

Copyright 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Click Here for Terms of Use.

that annoy others? Most people do. This unconscious word usage

creeps into our behaviors, irritates others, and affects the quality of

communication. Because we are usually not aware of these word

habits, we do not notice them, but others do.

Take the following quiz to discover your conversational tendencies.

Then give it to someone who will tell you the truth and assess

you. Read each statement and give it one of the following point values:

1 point-seldom, 2 points-occasionally, 3 points-often, 4

points-frequently.

1. I like to have the last word in a conversation.

2. I tend to generalize and use words such as always, never, all,

everyone.

3. I like to talk about myself.

4. I avoid talking about myself.

5. Others tell me I don't give them a chance to talk.

6. I like to poke fun at myself.

7. When someone asks me a question, I respond with a

question.

8. When referring to myself, I use the word we, such as "we're

going to do that . . ."

9. Others tell me I repeat myself.

10. I have favorite phrases that I use repeatedly such as, "for

what it's worth . . ."

Your Score: Add up your points.

112 Say It Right the First Time

A score of 25 or above indicates a high usage of irritating word

habits. They are part of your everyday conversation. People

can list and predict your offending word choices because

they hear them frequently.

A score of 16 to 24 is an average use of word habits. They are

part of but do not dominate your conversations. When you

use them, people notice but they are less likely to react.

A score of 15 or lower shows an unusually small usage of noncolloquial

and informal speech patterns. You have successfully

managed to avoid the influence of television, radio,

magazines, and other medias that use informal speech. Congratulations!

The Primrose Path of Misdirection

Most of us can effortlessly spew out words and clichés that we have

picked up over the years. We simply repeat what we hear, and if we

hear it frequently enough it sneaks into our permanent vocabulary.

What's the problem, you might ask? No problem if the words evoke

a positive response. But most word habits and clichés turn people off

to such an extent that they stop listening. The meanings of words are

obscure enough, without adding language that results in reactions and

misunderstandings. By using jargon, clichés, exaggeration, and unnecessary

words, we will be led down the primrose path of misdirection.

Just because words pass into common usage does not mean they are

commonly understood.

Word habits are unconscious behaviors. Some complicate the

already complex problem of communication while others are just

downright annoying. Language already has many idiosyncrasies with-

15 Irritating Word Habits 113

out adding more. Word habits impede rather than enhance the quality

of communication.

When people are irritated or annoyed by the word habits of another

person, they check out of the conversation. And worse yet, the word

habit can produce a strong enough reaction so that they will just stop

listening. Poor word habits stand out and capture attention, but it's the

wrong type of attention. Perhaps you attended a meeting where you

heard a peer use a word that is commonly misused. She may have commented,

"Irregardless of the situation." Bam: Just like that, you're

obsessing on the word irregardless. Your mind is saying, "There's no such

word-it's regardless." Your mind is editing and correcting her message

while she continues to talk. You miss what is being said. Now think

about yourself. Do you have any annoying word habits that cause others

to miss what you say? It's highly probable since these habits are commonly

often unconsciously used. You may have been annoying others

for years. You would only know if someone had the courage to tell you.

The purpose of this chapter is to help you "clean up" your language

by identifying annoying word habits and replacing them with

good word choices. In the business world, many of these word habits

go beyond annoying and can be quite deadly. Leaders must be even

more attuned to the impact of language since their words are quoted,

repeated, and published for mass distribution. As you read each word

habit below, ask yourself, "Do I do this?" Then ask a coworker or

friend who will tell you the truth.

Accountable communication is appropriate communication.

Nothing turns people off quicker than language that irritates or violates

values. Accountable messages are designed to inspire positive

action in people, not annoy them. Inappropriate word habits get in

the way of effective communication.

114 Say It Right the First Time

Word Habit 1: What About Me?

"What about me" people can be exasperating. You can't talk to them

about anything but them. No matter how you engage in the conversation,

whether you are upset or have something important to say,

"what about me" people have a way of making the discussion about

their life and their problems. The topic makes no difference. It's as if

they have lived three lifetimes because for every experience you have,

they have a similar one. You may be hoping for a listening ear on a

sensitive emotional topic, but "what about me" people will soon be

telling you about their woes. Or you may be talking about a difficult

emotional situation you are trying to resolve and before you know it,

they're telling you about the same problem but it is even worse for

them. "What about me" people scream for attention.

When you are a leader, people reinforce a "what about me"

approach by listening attentively to everything you say. This may lead

you to believe they are genuinely interested: They think your jokes

and stories are funny, your wit charming, and your life fascinating.

Leaders can become seduced into believing that they have the ability

to dazzle people with intellect and humor. To test this all we need to

do is take away your title, position, and power and send you to speak

to a group who know nothing about you. Watch their reaction. Are

they as amused by your life and stories as your subordinates? Listening

is a gift of respect that people give leaders. But they are listening

because they have to because you have the power to influence their

lives. The response you receive is less about your ability to entertain

than it is a response to your power. A good practice is to observe how

much you talk when you are with subordinates. Turn the tables and

ask them about their life, family, and experiences.

15 Irritating Word Habits 115

X

Switching the Focus from You to Others

They say: Avoid: Replace with:

"I'm feeling down." "It's funny you should "What's going on

say that-I am too!" for you?"

"I had a great day." "Me too. I had a "What happened

fabulous day." that made it

great?"

"I feel awful "I feel worse than "What exactly is

about . . ." that . . ." bothering you?"

Why it doesn't work: Why it works:

Each of the above There is no "I" in

responses has an any of these

exclusive "I" focus responses. A

with no expressed question is asked

concern for what the that focuses solely

other person is on what the other

experiencing. person just said.

Word Habit 2: Don't Get Too Close

Although asking about the other person and turning the focus away

from you is important, it can be used the wrong way. A person who

seldom talks about himself leaves others feeling uncomfortable. A "don't

get too close" attitude generally comes from a person who does not like

116 Say It Right the First Time

to self-disclose. Instead, the focus is on asking questions to prompt the

other party to self-disclose. By interacting on a shallow level, we leave

many areas of our personality, values, and beliefs inaccessible to others.

Self-disclosure is what allows people to be authentic and real. When we

self-disclose and reveal more about our inner world, people feel closer

and more connected. Healthy self-disclosure is reciprocal. When it is

one-sided, it results in an imbalance between people that often leaves

negative feelings. When one individual self-discloses, she expects a reciprocal

level of openness from the other person.

In one of my consulting assignments, there was a high-level leader

who seldom disclosed anything about himself. People knew only that

he was married, and they knew this because they heard it from others.

They did not know if he had children, where he grew up, or if he

had pets, hobbies, or activities outside of work he enjoyed. Although

his credibility as a leader was high, his approachability was low. A

leader's approachability factor has a great deal to do with inspiration

and excitement. Approachability is what allows people to feel connected

and close to their leaders. Appropriate self-disclosure is an indicator

of a healthy personality. When a leader does not self-disclose, it

creates a barrier.

X

Increasing Your Approachability

They say: Avoid: Replace with:

"I like to run three "Never got into it. "I'm not much of

or four times a Do you compete?" a runner but I like

week to stay in to cycle. I belong

15 Irritating Word Habits 117

shape. How about to a club, and we

you?" go on bike

excursions a

couple times a

month."

"My husband and "No, I don't but "I used to have a

I have two I've heard good Great Dane but

Dobermans we things about she died a few

just love. Do you Dobermans." years ago. I've

have any pets?" been thinking

about getting

another dog:

Should I consider

a Doberman?"

Why it doesn't work: Why it works:

A brief, non-self- The question is

disclosing answer is answered with a

given. No personal reciprocal and

information is appropriate level

shared. The of self-disclosure.

conversation is then Both parties have

rotated back to the an equal exchange

other person. The of personal

imbalance in self- information,

disclosure eventually which establishes

creates discomfort. a comfort level.

118 Say It Right the First Time

Word Habit 3: The Last Word

Having the last word is similar to an addiction. People who have this

need are compulsive about ending the conversation with their words.

When they don't do this, they feel as if the conversation is incomplete

and unfinished. "Last word" people miss or ignore the cues of others.

The conversation may already have ended but they must say one more

thing. It is not the content that is important to "last word" people;

it's the fact that the conversation ends with them.

Leaders often have the last word because it is expected. You can

change this. Ask others to summarize the conversation or close the

meeting. Practice letting others have the last word. This raises the level

of involvement and enthusiasm of others.

X

Ending the Conversation without

Having the Last Word

Speaking Accountably

Example 1

Direct Report: "Thanks for your time. I know what I need to

do now."

• Avoid: "Good. I want you to stay on track and get this done

fast."

Why it doesn't work: You are either repeating information you

already stated or saying something that should have been communicated

earlier in the conversation.

15 Irritating Word Habits 119

• Replace with: "You're welcome. Call me if you need anything."

Why it works: It's short, to the point, and information is not

repeated.

Example 2

Peer: "That sums it up-we've agreed to move ahead with the

new expense procedures. I'll touch base with you next week."

• Avoid: "I think it's important to use these new procedures.

They'll help us keep accurate records."

Why it doesn't work: Your peer ended the conversation. Instead

of responding to this cue, you summarized (again) and had the

last word.

• Replace with: "Sounds good. See you next week."

Why it works: You appropriately respond to the cues of your

peer and end the conversation without presenting more information.

Example 3

Your Boss: "This has been a good meeting. I like your thinking.

I'll see you next week."

• Avoid: "I'll continue to work on a new way to implement our

strategy. We need to move this quickly. See you next week."

Why it doesn't work: You kept talking instead of ending the conversation.

120 Say It Right the First Time

• Replace with: "Thank you. I'll see you next week."

Why it works: It's clean, short, and allows your boss to have the

last word.

Word Habit 4: Tired and Worn-Out Phrases

Clichés are expressions or ideas that have become trite. Although

clichés and platitudes become commonplace language, they are

uttered as if they are fresh and original. It's hard to tell which is more

annoying: the fact that they are trite or that the individual saying

them acts as if he or she is imparting some great new wisdom.

X

AVOID REPLACE WITH

Tired and Worn-Out Phrases Everyday Language

• That being said . . . • I think . . .

• To tell the truth . . . • (No replacement-just

tell the truth)

• At this point in time . . . • Now

• At the end of the day . . . • My conclusion is . . .

• When it's all said and • My thoughts are . . .

done . . .

• My two cents worth . . . • A thought . . .

• For what it's worth . . . • Ultimately . . .

15 Irritating Word Habits 121

• Having said that . . . • Despite . . .

• Be that as it may . . . • Similarly . . .

• By the same token . . . • (No replacement, just say

what you have to say)

• Needless to say . . . • Another perspective . . .

• All things being equal . . . • Considering all things . . .

• That and a dollar will get • (No replacement. Have a

you a cup of coffee. cup of coffee.)

• Just for the sake of • Let's examine all sides of

argument . . . this issue . . .

Why it doesn't work: Why it works: Nonirritating,

Predictable, boring, trite, easy-to-understand words.

and annoying.

Word Habit 5: Talking without Periods

Stream-of-consciousness speaking, where one sentence flows uninterruptedly

after another, is an example of talking without periods.

It's difficult to imagine that the speaker even takes a breath while talking.

It appears impossible to break in to the conversation. There are

no natural entry points, no pauses or periods. In grammar, periods

are used to identify the completion of a thought. For a person who

talks without periods, their thoughts are never complete and therefore

there are no natural pauses.

It's boring and sleep-inducing to listen to stream-of-consciousness

speaking. It can put listeners into a trance, thinking their own

122 Say It Right the First Time

thoughts. Talking without a point and avoiding the use of periods is

one of the quickest ways to lose people's attention, along with your

credibility.

If you recognize you have a tendency to talk too much or too

long, you can employ self-interrupting techniques. More effective

than having others intervene, interrupting yourself demonstrates

an awareness and sensitivity on your part. It also allows you to take

accountability for creating a pause so that others can enter the

conversation.

X

Interrupting Yourself

Speaking Accountably

• "I need to stop talking. What are your thoughts?"

• "I've been talking too much. Any ideas?"

• "Obviously I'm excited about this, but I want to hear from you."

• "Enough from me. What about you?"

• "I've said enough on this. What's your thinking?"

• "I'm done talking. Your turn."

• "I'm repeating myself now. What do you think about . . . ?"

Why it works: You demonstrate courtesy, awareness, and

accountability by interrupting yourself and inviting others to

speak.

15 Irritating Word Habits 123

Word Habit 6: Whatever

Gibberish, incoherent speech, or a hybrid dialect is the definition of

jargon. Like, Wow, man, that's totally awesome. Do you catch my

drift? Slang and jargon can add fun and zest to your speaking under

the right circumstances. They can also get in the way when people

are trying to understand your message. In business, jargon can be used

informally as a special communication between two or more people.

But when it comes to meetings, presentations, memos, or other more

formal events, jargon immediately reduces credibility.

X

Using Jargon and Slang

Speaking That Derails

• You go girl. • He/she dissed me.

• What's up with that? • For real.

• What's happening man? • Whatever.

• Like wow, that's really cool. • Totally awesome.

• No way dude. • Am I right or am I right?

Why it doesn't work: Like, isn't it obvious? In a business setting,

jargon instantaneously reduces credibility.

Word Habit 7: Filled Pauses

Unfilled pauses refer to the gaps between words or sentences that

are filled with silence. Filled pauses refer to those same gaps loaded

124 Say It Right the First Time

with fillers such as "uhmm" and "ahhh." These filled pauses are akin

to humming, where a syllable or sound is stretched out to fill the

space while the person thinks. They are meant to cue the other person

that you're still talking or processing out loud. It keeps the conversation

in your control. But it also makes you sound inarticulate

and unclear. This is why an unfilled pause is more desirable than a

filled pause. When you want to pause, use silence instead of filling

the gap. Silence, used appropriately, significantly increases the perception

of power.

Now, what if someone else starts talking while you are silently

pausing? If you don't mind the conversation shifting to them, then

it's no problem. If you want to keep control of the conversation, let

them know early by saying, "Give me a moment to think about this,"

before the interruption. By doing this, you are articulating your needs

rather than using "Ummmmm," or "Welllllllllll." Your credibility

increases, and filled pauses decrease.

X

Increase Your Credibility by

Eliminating Filled Pauses

• Avoid:

Ummmm Ya know

Yea, ummmm Ah . . .

Uh . . . Oh . . .

15 Irritating Word Habits 125

Why it doesn't work: The speaker sounds inarticulate, unclear,

and unsure.

• Replace a pause with:

Silence

"Give me a moment to think about this."

"That's interesting. I need to consider this."

"Good thought. I want to mull this over."

Why it works: Silence is much more powerful than a filled pause.

Another option is to use a general statement that buys time, such

as, "I need to consider this." It allows you time to think and yet

maintain control of the conversation.

Word Habit 8: The Royal "We"

For people who use the "royal we" when referring to themselves, the

word I seems to have become permanently lost from their vocabulary.

You might hear "we're liking this" or "we could do that." They

are not referring to themselves and another person; they are referring

to "me, myself, and I." Used repeatedly, the "royal we" sounds strange

to the ear and can be off-putting.

The word we when used to refer to oneself creates formality and

separation in the conversation. Where "I" is up-close and personal,

"we" is distant. It also causes the perception of authenticity to be

reduced. The person sounds less genuine and intimate. Consider how

126 Say It Right the First Time

self-disclosure sounds when listening to a person who uses "we" as a

self-referent: "We like many outdoor activities." By using "we," there

is no bond that self-disclosure normally creates, leaving in its stead a

disjointed sense of the person speaking.

If you have the habit of using "we," just becoming conscious of

it will help you replace it with "I." When you hear yourself saying,

"We can see that," stop and correct yourself by saying, "I can see

that." At first it may feel awkward, perhaps even vulnerable, because

"we" has been providing you with protection and distance. If you

want to help other people break the "royal we" habit, the next time

they use it, ask with a sense of humor, "Just how many of you are

there, anyway?" A few well-placed lighthearted questions such as this

will raise their awareness in an amusing way.

Word Habit 9: Drama Words

Drama words are larger than life, overblown, and exaggerated.

Superlatives and platitudes fit in this category. A well-placed

superlative can bring home your point, but using too many will

lessen the impact and is just annoying. For example, if you ask a

person, "How's your day going?" you might be a bit dubious if

you hear, "Incredible, unbelievable, it's an extraordinary day!" You

are probably thinking she just returned from a positive-thinking

seminar. Extremes in anything raise red flags. When superlatives

and exaggerations are used in excess, listeners become suspicious

and distrust the person talking. If everything and everyone is fabulous,

others reason, then a compliment from this person means

nothing.

15 Irritating Word Habits 127

X

Superlatives Are Not

Super All the Time

Speaking That Derails

• Very • Best ever

• Incredible • Fantastic

• Fabulous • Awesome

• Unbelievable • Terrific

Why it doesn't work: Everything is not great. Used to connote

specific and strong meaning, superlatives are helpful. Used as

everyday language, they lose meaning and turn people off. When

something is good, say it is good, not great.

Word Habit 10: Self-Labeling

Self-labeling is the language of self-disparagement. Putting anyone

down is not a good idea. Putting yourself down is not endearing or

flattering either. Saying things such as, "Boy, am I stupid," may get a

response of, "No you're not." But say it often enough and people will

begin to wonder. If you need positive reinforcement, ask for it. Otherwise,

self-labeling and self-deprecating remarks reduce the quality

of communication.

128 Say It Right the First Time

X

Self-Labeling

Speaking That Derails

• "Boy, am I stupid."

• "I can't believe I'm such an idiot."

• "I blew it again."

• "What a loser I am."

Why it doesn't work: Diminishing your value and self-esteem

does nothing for you, and less for others. Further, it reduces

communication effectiveness.

Word Habit 11: Labeling Others

Putting other people down is degrading. It's similar to self-labeling,

except the focus is on others. Language can add to this problem by

collapsing a person and a trait together so they are one and the same.

The word is and its equivalents are the culprits, for example, "He is

. . . ," or "You are . . ." Using "is" or "are" collapses the person and

the label into one identity.

X

Labeling Others

Speaking That Derails

• "You're an idiot." • "You're crazy."

15 Irritating Word Habits 129

• "He's ridiculous." • "He's stupid."

• "She's nuts." • "She's foolish."

Why it doesn't work: It's demeaning, degrading, and devaluing.

Plus the above words are "loaded" and produce a negative emotional

reaction. Eliminate them all together.

Word Habit 12: Absolutes

and Generalizations

Absolutes and generalizations stereotype a class of people, objects, or

events and deny that there is complexity in the world. There may be

a kernel of truth in some of them, but taken to an "absolute" extreme,

they are no longer accurate and may be misleading. Replace absolutes,

generalizations, and stereotypes with a word or phrase that qualifies

what you are saying.

X

AVOID REPLACE WITH

Absolute Responses Qualified Responses

• All • Many, some, a few

• All the time. • A majority of the time.

• Everyone knows . . . • Most people, many people,

some people

• Everyone said . . . • "X" said . . .

130 Say It Right the First Time

• Never • Seldom, infrequently

• Always • Often, frequently

Why it doesn't work: Seldom Why it works: Qualifiers allow

can we categorically say room for exceptions and other

something is true or false. possibilities. They represent a

The above words represent more accurate picture of reality

an absolute condition, and indicate that the speaker

thereby greatly reducing the does not categorically

chance for accuracy, as well generalize or jump to

as eliminating any hope that conclusions.

critical thinking has occurred.

Word Habit 13: False Humility

"Aw shucks, weren't nothin'," said Jethro from the Beverly Hillbillies

TV series. This might be acceptable speech for Jethro, but it does

not bode well for leaders. False humility is interpreted as a manipulation

technique to present a humble persona to cover up something

else.

X

False Humility

Speaking That Derails

• "I've been blessed." • "I may not be very bright."

• "I've been fortunate." • "I'm not as smart as you."

15 Irritating Word Habits 131

• "It wasn't me, they did it." • "I'm a little slower than the

rest of you."

Why it doesn't work: False humility is viewed as a technique or

a manipulation. Even with real humility, a preponderance of

these statements can be annoying.

Word Habit 14: Abrupt Interruptions

In a conversation, "breaking in" is legal. It's how you do it that matters.

Abrupt interruptions by their nature discard or devalue the person

who is speaking. You need a way to handle people who run on,

talk too much, or do not get to the point, without embarrassing them.

By making a statement that segues to what you want to talk about,

you can rotate and move the discussion to another point or topic

without diminishing the person. Replace abrupt interruptions with a

smooth, more user-friendly approach.

X

AVOID REPLACE WITH

Abrupt Interruptions Smooth Interruptions

• "Now wait a minute . . ." • "That's interesting; now

what about . . ."

• "Hold on a second . . ." • "Let's pause for a second . . ."

• "I don't buy this." • "Excuse me but . . ."

• "Stop. I can't listen to this • "May I interrupt for a

anymore." moment?"

132 Say It Right the First Time

• "Are you done?" • "That's an important point;

now . . ."

• "Are you just about • "That's too good to pass

finished?" up-let's pause here."

• "I need to take this call." • "I'm going to ask you to

stop here and hold your

comments."

• "Just a minute." • "Let's bookmark that and

come back to it later."

• "I've heard enough." • "I have enough information."

• "Let me tell you • Something I want to

something . . ." add . . ."

• "I need to interrupt here." • May I interrupt?"

Why it doesn't work: These Why it works: These phrases

phrases diminish and devalue interrupt the flow of the

the speaker and derail the discussion without diminishing

conversation. the person. Smooth

interruptions keep a

conversation moving forward.

Word Habit 15: Finishing Sentences

This word habit involves either finishing a person's sentences simultaneously

as they are speaking or bringing their speaking to a screeching

halt. If you have this habit, impatience and/or an "I know it

15 Irritating Word Habits 133

already" attitude usually prevail. When you listen to people, keep in

mind that their need to be heard is paramount to your need to understand.

Stated simply, let them say what they need to say. Speaking out

loud is a way for people to process information and problem solve.

When you interrupt their speaking prematurely, you may be shortcircuiting

their ability to think.

Key Communication Principles

Principle 1: Irritating word habits

produce reaction, not action.

Think Twice. Word habits are usually unconscious and can be annoying.

Just the repetitious nature of speaking in the same manner all the

time can be distracting to listeners.

Action. Discover if you have annoying word habits by paying attention

to how you speak. Develop an awareness of different word habits

you have picked up over time. Ask others to give you feedback, and

then listen.

Principle 2: When people are turned off by

something you said, they stop listening.

Think Twice. When the mind is sidetracked by something, it focuses

on the distraction. A word habit can cause people to turn off and stop

listening to the content of your message. Instead, they are critiquing

how you are saying something in their minds.

134 Say It Right the First Time

Action. When it is evident that your audience has stopped listening,

pause the discussion and ask, "What's on your mind?" Although they

may not tell you exactly what they are thinking, this will grab their

attention and pull them back into the conversation.

15 Irritating Word Habits 135

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6

When Your Words

Get You in Trouble

How to Recover Quickly and

Prevent a Repeat Performance

137

Your Purpose

To be accountable for your impact on others by recognizing hot

buttons and quickly repairing damage.

There is no evidence the tongue is connected to the brain.

Anonymous

A wise, elderly woman is talking to a young man about his anger.

"There is a fight going on inside of you," she explains. "It is a fight

between two wolves. One is bad: full of anger, fury, and rage. The

other wolf is good: filled with empathy, kindness, and compassion."

Copyright 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Click Here for Terms of Use.

The young man thinks for a moment, then asks: "Which wolf wins?"

The wise woman simply replies: "The one you feed."

Anger is volatile. Feed it, and it can grow out of control. How we

listen to and perceive others is the fuel for anger and other strong negative

emotional reactions. Our internal judgments about how others

behave set the stage. For example, a person who whines and complains

may be only mildly annoying to one manager while extremely

aggravating to another. What accounts for this difference? We all have

different hot buttons-emotional responses that are sparked by certain

words and behaviors. These hot buttons come from our history,

past experiences, and values. When they are intentionally or unintentionally

pushed, the mind locks up and our word choices are

reduced to emotionally loaded phrases and attack language.

We react when others push our hot buttons and when we push

theirs. How many times have you unknowingly said something that

generated a heated response? Until someone told you what happened,

you had no idea that your innocent words could set off such an explosion.

Intentional or not, anger stops all action and forces the emotionally

charged feelings to the top of the list. How much work can

you get from a person who is upset or from an entire organization

that is reacting to something you have said? Not much. When people

are upset, they are highly resistant, and they unconsciously slow

down productivity.

The bad news in all of this is what happens to your time. Putting

out fires and controlling damage takes up a lot of time. Once anger

erupts, the only thing left to do is to recover quickly. You cannot

ignore a negative emotional response or assume it will resolve itself.

This only sends you back to the starting block where anger and resignation

will resurface.

138 Say It Right the First Time

In this chapter you will learn what pushes your buttons and how

you set them off in others. We will also cover what can be done to

prevent negative reactions and how to recover quickly when prevention

doesn't work. One good place to begin is by examining how the

words and behaviors of others spark a reaction in you.

What Pushes Your Hot Buttons

Hot buttons, when pushed, can set off a range of emotions from disgust

and anger, to a desire to physically take someone's head off.

Depending on your background and personal history, some behaviors

generate an intense response while others generate no response

at all.

Acting or reacting with anger, frustration, or other strong negative

emotions is automatic and immediate. Others say or do something

that pushes one of your hot buttons and you react. It doesn't

take much. It may be one word, a phrase, or a reaction to a comment

that you made. Now you are angry and upset and no matter how well

you try to hide it, it shows. Others react to your reaction. People are

talking about what you said and how you said it. Before you know it,

a chain reaction has occurred and the situation is out of control

throughout the organization. Reaction to your reaction takes time

and energy for everyone to recover. Preventing and containing your

reaction are far more effective than cleaning up damage caused by

words that have run amuck.

People are often not aware of what pushes their hot buttons

because it is largely unconscious behavior. Something happens, and

you find yourself reacting. Unconscious behavior is a default setting

on our internal mental computer. An automatic response occurs

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 139

without conscious thought or choice. Understanding what sparks

these hot buttons puts you in control and gives you choice. Instead

of reacting and producing a negative response, you can act and inspire

others even in the most challenging circumstances.

Let's go to work to discover your hot buttons. Since the intensity

of reactions varies from person to person, it is helpful to identify the

four emotional intensity levels: No reaction, mild reaction, moderate

reaction, and strong reaction. Read the following description for each

level and answer these two questions:

1. What degree of emotional intensity do you experience

internally?

2. What degree of emotional intensity do you exhibit to others?

No Hot Button-No Reaction: You honestly do not have a

negative reaction. Those years of meditating on the mountaintop

really worked. No response other than awareness of

the behavior is evoked in you.

Hot Button 1-Mild Reaction: You tolerate the person and/or

the behavior. You would rather not deal with the behavior

but it does not provoke you to react. Every once in a while

you might make a sarcastic comment in response.

Hot Button 2-Moderate Reaction: You respond negatively

to the person and/or behavior. His or her behavior prompts

an immediate reaction, and you respond verbally and nonverbally.

Hot Button 3-Strong Reaction: You squash them like a bug.

Your "fight" instinct is activated, and you engage in full

frontal assault. Your goal is to crush the enemy.

140 Say It Right the First Time

Now read the following two lists of behaviors and answer these

questions: What level of reaction (for example, none, mild, moderate,

or strong) do you have to the behaviors on List A? What level of

reaction do you have to the behaviors on List B? Also, which individual

behaviors, whether on List A or B, provoke the strongest reaction

in you?

X

Which Behaviors Push

Your Hot Buttons?

List A: People who . . . List B: People who . . .

• Coerce, pressure, and push • Whine and complain

• Grandstand, show off, • Blame others and/or

and try to impress circumstances

• Judge, criticize, and • Talk behind others' backs,

disapprove instead of talking to them

• Attack and challenge • Say they will "try" but

seldom commit

• Put others down and are • Publicly go along with you

derisive and sarcastic or others, but privately resist

• Dominate and control • Do not verbally express what

is bothering them, but make

their discontent known

through their behavior

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 141

Do you react more strongly to the items on List A or B? Or do

you have a similar response level to both lists? The lists represent two

classifications of behavior. List A is characteristic of bully behavior

and List B is typical of victim behavior. Your personal values, history,

and background affect your response to bullies and victims.

When Bully Behavior (List A) Pushes Your Hot Buttons

Bullies must reign supreme and hence engage in a top dog-underdog

approach. In order to stay in a one-up position, the bully puts others

down. The singular "I" or "me first" focus of the bully exemplifies the

need to be the center of attention. Bully behavior is aggressive, dominating

situations and controlling people. If the bully pushes your hot

buttons, it may be because you have had personal experience. Perhaps

you watched or experienced first-hand the damage that a bully can

cause to self-esteem. Bully behavior may also conflict with your values

of fairness and treating people with kindness and compassion.

When Victim Behavior (List B) Pushes Your Hot Buttons

Victim behavior has a "poor me, nothing is ever right" premise.

Victims suck energy from projects and pull others down with their

passive-aggressive behavior of dealing indirectly with people and

issues. Their constant "it wasn't me" theme is represented by fingerpointing

and blaming others. For victims, circumstances always seem

to prevent them from getting what they want and need. Things happen

to victims; they do not make things happen. If victim behavior

trips your switch, it may be because it conflicts with your values of

responsibility, emotional honesty, and integrity.

142 Say It Right the First Time

Understanding what behaviors push your buttons reveals valuable

information about how you judge others. Wherever there is a reaction,

there is a judgment. If a show-off who tries to impress people

trips your hot button, it lets you know you also have a judgment. For

example, "A person who needs to impress others is weak." It is the

judgment that feeds the reaction. Every time you see someone who

is a show-off, your mind automatically translates this to "weak person,"

and your hot button is activated.

X

Judgments About Character Traits

People who: Are judged as:

Whine and complain Weak, sissy

Bulldoze, pressure, coerce Stupid, bully

Blame, finger-point Victim, no integrity and/or

accountability

Attack and challenge Inadequate, no substance, all

show

Do not verbally express Dishonest, untrustworthy

Are sarcastic Pathetic, useless, low

self-esteem

Comply publicly, resist Deceitful, devious

privately

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 143

What are your judgments about people who exhibit List A or B

behaviors? Your judgments feed how you listen and react. Let's say

sarcasm pushes your buttons. You react to the behavior (for example,

sarcasm) but underneath you are judging the person as pathetic and

useless. Now we have something with which to work. How you judge

others is at the source of your reactions because it directly impacts

how you listen and filter what people say. Altering how you listen

changes how you speak.

Prevention tactics keep hot buttons from going off-both yours

and theirs. These are skills and techniques for listening and responding

to people in "neutral," rather than being fired up. Most importantly,

they sidestep the chain response of "you react, they react, you

react" and so on. Stop reactions before they start, and you will have

an environment much more conducive for effective communication.

Prevention Tactic 1: Listen with Positive

Expectations, Not Judgment

To take charge of your hot buttons you must master listening with

positive expectations. To be technically correct, people do not push

your buttons; you allow them to be pushed by how you listen. You

control what you hear and how you choose to respond. It is only a

matter of focus, as the following story illustrates:

Two men were walking down a crowded sidewalk. Suddenly, one

man exclaimed, "Listen to the sound of the birds." But the other

could not hear. He asked his companion how he could hear the birds

amongst all the people and traffic. The first man did not explain. He

simply took a coin out of his pocket and dropped it to the sidewalk,

144 Say It Right the First Time

whereupon a half-dozen people began to look about them. "We

hear," he said, "what we listen for."

There are two choices when it comes to listening-we can listen

with positive expectations or we can listen with judgment. How we

listen shapes how we speak. Listening with judgment is an unconscious

behavior. Once a judgment is in place, we listen for what we

want to hear. If we have judged a person as stupid, we listen for everything

that supports this perception. Unfortunately, education trains

us in how to critically listen, analyze, critique, and evaluate. If your

background is in law, finance, or engineering, for example, you have

been trained in critical thinking. This is similar to judgment, where

your focus is on what's missing and what's wrong.

X

Listening with Judgment

Outcome: To seek and destroy

Focus: What's wrong, what's unfair, what's inconsistent, what's

insincere, what's stupid, what's missing, and what's not going to

work.

You think: "Boy, is this guy dumb!"

You say: "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!"

Why it doesn't work: Listening with judgment is unconscious

and automatic. While you listen, your judgments are at work

filtering what others are saying. This makes you easily susceptible

to having your hot buttons pushed.

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 145

Listening with positive expectations is a conscious choice. Instead

of focusing on the limiting behavior of a person, you shift your focus

to the underlying commitment and positive intentions. In other

words, you separate the behavior from the person and concentrate on

who the person wants to be, not how he or she is acting. Behavior is

not the person. Behavior is only an expression of a person.

X

Listening with Positive Expectations

Outcome: To support and inspire

Focus: The unexpressed commitment, positive intention, and

contribution the person wants to make.

You think: "She's very committed to making this work."

You say: "I appreciate your commitment and energy on . . ."

Why it works: Listening with positive expectations is conscious

and deliberate. You choose to be positive. It is important to trust

that others have positive intentions, even when their behaviors

are inconsistent with this. Listening for the unexpressed commitment

and positive intention of a person allows you to bypass

your hot buttons and focus on the positive contribution that the

person wants to make.

You are in control of your own hot buttons. First, acknowledge you

have judgments of people. Second, acknowledge that you have stronger

judgments about certain types of people and behavior than you have

146 Say It Right the First Time

about others. Third, especially when you are with others whose behaviors

set you off, listen for the unexpressed positive intention.

Before you react, stop and think:

Underneath poor behavior is a frustrated

commitment trying to get out.

Prevention Tactic 2: Ask for Information

in a Nonthreatening Manner

Another valuable prevention tactic is to understand what words provoke

a strong distrustful, negative response. Sometimes called "trigger

words," they evoke an immediate reaction by attacking and

labeling people. These words also challenge competency, values, and

integrity. They can be used in a close relationship where "Boy, is that

dumb," has a mutually understood, humorous meaning. Otherwise,

trigger words can be extremely touchy and are better avoided.

X

Words That Get You in Trouble

Speaking That Derails

Words That Attack Thinking and Intelligence:

Stupid Brainless Idiotic Crazy

Brain-dead Ridiculous Pitiful Athletic

Asinine Pathetic Mindless Absurd

Senseless Ludicrous Preposterous Foolish

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 147

Why it doesn't work: Strong words are typically used when an

individual is upset and angry at a person's "lack of thinking."

Delivered with a "you are" or "this is" preface, they attack,

ridicule, and put down both the behavior and the person.

These words also evoke a highly charged, negative emotional

response and once spoken are imprinted in the mind of the

other person.

Words That Attack Values and Relationships:

Irresponsible Thoughtless Self-centered Crude

Inconsiderate Unfeeling Rude Infantile

Selfish Egotistical Immature Juvenile

Tactless Heartless Bad-mannered Unkind

Why it doesn't work: The values of caring, kindness, and compassion

are widely held. Words that attack them or how a person

behaves in a relationship produce a strong negative response.

When spoken out loud, the above words stick in a person's mind

making recovery difficult.

The above words are a form of nonaccountable language. They

are used to attack others and place blame on others instead of on ourselves,

creating an environment of victimization and defensiveness.

Besides, they are personalized and attack the values and character of

a person.

148 Say It Right the First Time

X

Hitting Below the Belt

Speaking That Derails

• "You're crazy."

• "You're off your rocker."

• "You're talking nonsense."

• "You're being ridiculous."

• "You're nuts."

Why it doesn't work: When expressed as an attack, trigger words

strike with the word "you" in the first part of the sentence. This

targeted, nonaccountable way of speaking points the finger and

accuses. People who are spoken to in this way will have to fight

back or leave.

When the focus is on understanding, words that attack naturally

disappear from our vocabulary. The spotlight is now on understanding,

which causes the mind to access a more rational rather than emotive

process. We watch for the intention, commitment, and key

points. By concentrating on understanding, we use questions and

comments that support the expression of an individual.

When the focus is on what's missing or what's wrong, the mind

is intent on criticizing and evaluating. In this context, words that

attack are activated and flow naturally out of our mouths because they

are evaluative and critical. To minimize and prevent trigger words

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 149

from unconsciously slipping from your lips, alter how you pay attention.

Make a conscious effort to focus on understanding what is being

said. Let clarity and comprehension be your goals before you respond.

This will help keep you out of trouble.

Remember, trigger words are automatic. Often, listening for

what's wrong activates them. When you change your focus, you

change the words your mind accesses. Below are questions and statements

that keep the discussion aimed at understanding and gathering

high-quality information. These questions ask for information

with a nonthreatening approach.

X

Asking for Information in a

Nonthreatening Manner

Speaking Accountably

• "Help me understand how you got from 'A' to 'Z.'"

• "Tell me about your thinking process. How did you arrive at

this conclusion?"

• "What am I missing? Connect the dots for me."

• "This is different from what I expected. Help me get a handle

on the choices you've made."

• "Are we solving the same problem? I thought we were talking

about . . . Where is your focus?"

• "I'm concerned about what you've said. We may be on different

pages. Let me check your understanding on . . ."

150 Say It Right the First Time

• "What has prompted you to . . . ?"

• "What happened that caused you to . . . ?"

• "I feel like I've come in during the middle of the movie. Please

tell me what's been happening with you."

Why it works: Questions and statements that focus on understanding

rather than criticizing and attacking open up the conversation.

By focusing on understanding, you gain information

and insight on "what happened." This provides you the opportunity

to work together and correct the current situation as well

as a way to put preventive measures in place for the future.

The focus on understanding consistently stimulates accountable

language. Again, if you change your focus, your mind will sort and

select a different language. All language is logged in your mind, both

accountable and nonaccountable words. The challenge is selecting the

appropriate language, not remembering it. When you replace trigger

words with accountable language, you are being authentic about how

you feel without attacking the person. People need to know when you

are disappointed or upset. You can express this by taking accountability

for how you feel.

X

Expressing How You Feel

Speaking Accountably

• "I'm disappointed with . . ."

• "I feel concerned about . . ."

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 151

• "I'm bothered by . . ."

• "I'm feeling resigned and hopeless . . ."

• "I'm worried that . . ."

• "I'm anxious that . . ."

• "I feel let down."

• "I'm frustrated."

• "I'm upset that . . ."

• "I'm afraid that . . ."

Why it works: The word I signifies ownership and accountability.

There is no attack or external target. The individual expresses

what he or she is feeling, using the words of soft emotions (for

example, hurt, sad, disappointed).

Prevention Tactic 3: When in

Doubt, Leave It Out

If there is a nagging voice in your head asking, "Should I say this?"

then don't say it. When in doubt, leave it out. This simple, straightforward

rule will save you many headaches. People have different sensitivities

in an ever-changing world. The appropriateness of our

communication must change also. Swearing, off-color jokes, statements

of prejudice, and sexual comments are examples of objectionable

language. Do not take chances. Remember, recovery takes much

longer than prevention.

152 Say It Right the First Time

X

Objectionable Communication

Speaking That Derails

• Locker Room Language: Swearing, off-color jokes, and

other inappropriate language.

• Prejudicial Language: Jokes, comments, or references that

stereotype race, ethnic background, gender, and so forth.

• Deficiency Language: You're no good, you're inadequate,

you're incompetent, and you're useless.

• Sexual Language: Jokes, comments, and/or observations that

have a sexual undertone.

Why it doesn't work: Objectionable language produces negative

responses. Often used in humor, most people do not find anything

funny about language that demeans others.

Prevention Tactic 4: Cool Off

before You Open Your Mouth

It is good practice to cool off and disengage from anything provoking

a negative reaction, before you speak. Sometimes you can delay

your response for 24 hours or more. At others times, your delay may

be seconds or minutes. As you will recall from earlier chapters, when

you react in an emotional way, the mind shuts down. In other words,

it is short-circuited and you are only working with a limited portion

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 153

of your thinking ability. A delayed response gives your mind time to

unlock and gives you access to more of your brain. You are then better

able to communicate and generate options.

X

Cooling Off Guidelines

• Take 24 hours and disengage from the situation. It's amazing

what time will do. Stepping back from the person and situation

allows your mind to focus on a broader viewpoint.

Anytime you expand your perspective, you discover more

options. Your feelings about what happened or what was said

may or may not change. What will change is your ability to

gather resources and express yourself more effectively.

• When you don't have 24 hours, count to 5 before responding.

Exhale and let go. Then if you need a few seconds to

gather yourself, ask a question of clarification such as, "Would

you explain what you meant when you said . . . ?" The question

buys you time and the answer might be different from

what you expect.

• Notice your first reaction, but choose your second. First

reactions generally reveal our automatic judgments and most

critical assessment of the person. They represent thoughts that

are going through your mind. Just because the thought is

inside your head does not mean you should express it. Give

yourself time to uncover your second reaction. You may still

be upset, but you will have better control over how you communicate.

154 Say It Right the First Time

Why it works: Cooling off puts you in control. It gives you the

opportunity to "think and act" rather than "react and regret." It

stops the process of you reacting, others reacting, you reacting,

and so on. By cooling off, you alter your internal state and generate

options for handling the situation.

Prevention Tactic 5: Talk "Now," Not "Always"

Put a frame around it: It is not "always"; it is "sometimes" or perhaps

"often." Using universal words drives the mind crazy. When people

hear an absolute statement such as "You always . . . ," they immediately

begin to search for the exception. Rather than listening, they are

trying to prove you wrong. It is unlikely that someone always does

anything. When you frame the message, you are defining a specific

time period when the behavior occurred, or taking accountability for

how you feel right now. Qualifying phrases keep others from getting

stuck searching for the exception or defending. They also leave room

for a discussion about improvement and change.

X

Provide a "Now" Time Frame

Speaking Accountably

• "At this moment . . ."

• "Right now . . ."

• "For now . . ."

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 155

• "To me at this time . . ."

• "It appears this way to me . . ."

• "Today it seems . . ."

• "For the past couple weeks it appeared . . ."

Why it works: Qualifying phrases, such as the ones above, limit

your comments to a specific time period. In the absence of a

qualifying phrase, people interpret your message to mean

"always" or "all the time," even without these words. Eliminate

implied meaning and be explicit about what you are communicating.

Define and limit the time period to "now" statements.

People are more responsive and open to a "now" statement than

an "always" comment. When people hear "always," they feel the

task is impossible.

Prevention Tactic 6: Treat Undesired

Behavior as an Exception, Not the Rule

When behavior is a temporary lapse from the norm, treat it as an

exception. When an individual exhibits behavior that is unacceptable,

you must first determine if it is a temporary lapse from otherwise

good performance, or a serious downward trend. If the unacceptable

behavior is a temporary lapse, treating the undesired behavior as an

exception is appropriate. However, when this behavior is a serious

repetitive pattern, a more rigorous approach is needed. At these times,

it is necessary to hold people accountable for their results and impact

on others. To learn more about holding others accountable, see Chap-

156 Say It Right the First Time

ter 9: "Holding People Accountable." This prevention tactic deals

with behavior that is a deviation from everyday behavior. Therefore,

you can deal with it as an exception.

Consider the statement: "You're not being efficient at all in handling

this." Even though the statement implies a reference to a specific

situation, it is often heard as "You're inefficient." Without an

explicit qualifying phrase, the implied message is often heard as

"always" or "you are." An exception in behavior is easier to hear than

a judgment about behavior.

Let's look at a specific situation. You are about to have a performance

review with a direct report. Lately you have been unhappy

with how she is running her business unit. The thought in your mind

is "Your performance is completely unacceptable." This is an accurate

statement about how you feel, but without any qualifying phrase

your feedback will be heard as criticism and in a broader sense, an

attack on her character. You can easily qualify your statement by starting

with a positive comment about her usual day-to-day behavior. For

example, "You are normally on top of everything. Lately you seem

preoccupied." The first line identifies the person's normal behavior.

The second line references the change in behavior.

Criticism is much easier to hear when stated

as an exception, not as the rule.

Feedback or criticism, stated in the context of a positive frame, is

much easier to hear and understand. People feel validated and

acknowledged. The new information is presented as an exception, a

temporary lapse from normal behavior. Since your purpose is to

inspire positive action in others, state your disappointment or con-

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 157

cern as an exception. You then allow the individual to alter his or her

behavior without embarrassment, shame, or feeling defensive.

X

State Your Criticism as an Exception

Speaking Accountably

• "I'm your biggest fan. You always get things done quickly and

efficiently. Lately I've noticed your reports are arriving late.

What's going on with you?"

• "You are always direct and straightforward when we talk.

Today you seem quiet. You aren't expressing much. What's on

your mind?"

• "I like your enthusiasm and 'anything is possible' attitude.

Recently I've been missing this. I look to you for energy, but

it's not there. Something must be on your mind."

• "I've never met anyone as efficient as you. During the past

couple of weeks things seem to be slipping through the cracks.

This is so atypical for you. What's happening? How can I

help?"

Why it works: The first statement observes the typical, highperformance

behavior of the individual. It is stated in the "present

tense," never in the past tense. This is important. Listen to

the difference: "I am a great fan of yours," or "I've always been a

great fan of yours." The second statement carries an implied

"but" and raises anxiety for what is to come. The first statement

158 Say It Right the First Time

lets the listener know that this has not changed. The behavior

change is then presented as an exception to the norm. To make

this clear, a phrase is used to locate the event in time, such as,

"recently, today, or lately."

Prevention Tactic 7: Take Emotions

Out of Technology

Technology is wonderful-e-mail, voice mail, and the Internet have

changed the way we work and communicate. Unfortunately, because

technology has emerged so quickly, we have not had time to adjust

and learn its limitations. Technology cannot do everything: It is not

the answer to everything. And most of all, it is not effective for sending

emotionally charged messages. Any message that has emotional

undertones should be delivered face to face or in a "real-time" interactive

medium. Do not use e-mail, voice mail, memos, or letters to

deal with sensitive issues.

Negative emotions and technology

DO NOT MIX.

When you're upset, forget e-mail and voice mail.

Use face-to-face or voice-to-voice communication.

Remember the guideline "When in doubt, leave it out." If you

are miffed about something and you think you are doing a good job

of communicating effectively in an e-mail, think again. People can

sniff out criticism, judgment, and reaction in any medium. Plus,

nothing is ever resolved unless there is real communication, which

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 159

means a real-time dialogue where all parties can express and respond.

Used improperly, e-mail and voice mail are the reasons for many communication

breakdowns and misunderstandings.

When the Damage Is Already Done

There are times when you just react and say something that produces

an unintentional negative reaction in others. Unfortunately, you cannot

erase what you've said and record over. Prevention is not foolproof.

There are too many variables you cannot control, and

sometimes things just happen. It is your choice to recover quickly and

learn from mistakes to prevent repeat performances. At times such as

these, you need the right words to take accountability for the situation

and repair and rebuild the relationship.

This is what Sharon, a new CEO, needed after an informal meeting

with a group of mid-level managers. Feeling the pressure to get

things done quickly, Sharon remarked, "I want a 24/7 effort from each

of you. Nothing less is acceptable." Focused on getting her message

across, Sharon did not notice the exhaustion and strained looks on

the faces of the already-stressed managers. Her phrase 24/7 (that is,

24 hours a day, 7 days a week) was an attempt to convey priorities

and light a fire. She accomplished one of her goals-lighting a fire.

Instead of inspiring positive action, her remark evoked strong feelings

of anger and resentment among the managers.

What the managers heard was "I'm dissatisfied and disappointed

in you. I want you to do what I do-work 24/7." They also heard,

"Business takes priority over family and personal matters." Sharon's

24/7 remark traveled with remarkable speed through the organization.

Soon other managers and employees were heatedly complain-

160 Say It Right the First Time

ing about her unrealistic expectation. When you least expect it, something

you say can spark an emotional reaction. It did with Sharon.

As a new CEO, she now had an uphill battle to disarm the anger,

demonstrate her caring for people, and reestablish her credibility.

One Small Comment-One Big Reaction

A single emotion-laden word or phrase has the power to

sweep through an organization.

Emotional reactions are governed by a fundamental principle:

Communication is the response you get. What you intend to communicate

is not relevant-what is important is how others respond.

You may think something you said was insignificant and minor only

to find out later the entire fifth floor is upset with you. Others judge

you by your behaviors, not your intentions. What you intend to do

or say is all well and good. People pay attention to how they feel when

you they leave you.

We have discussed two patterns of behavior: How your words set

off others' hot buttons and how others' words push your hot buttons.

In both cases, you end up with the same dilemma-an emotionally

charged situation. When prevention is not an option, you need a way

to recover fast.

The Only Recovery Strategy That Works:

Taking Accountability for Your Impact

"I wish I had never said that" are words spoken in regret. Damaging

words spoken out loud become anchors that drag everything and

everyone down. There are two ways in which leaders attempt to recover

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 161

from a "wish I had never said it" message. The first method involves

the indirect approach: ignoring the reaction and hoping it goes away.

It doesn't. Despite arguments to the contrary, time does not heal all

wounds. Unexpressed negative emotions accumulate and eventually

erupt. The direct approach-dealing with the impact of your message-

succeeds every time when you are authentic and genuine.

Explaining your good intentions will not repair damage to

a relationship.Taking accountability will.

When prevention is not an option, recover fast. Use mistakes,

especially yours, as a learning process. This reinforces an important

message about focusing on recovery instead of perfection. No one is

perfect, not even leaders. When leaders take accountability for their

mistakes and undesired impact, it gives others the freedom to deal

with their mistakes in a healthy way. Use humor when dealing with

mistakes. For example, a leader made a mistake that became apparent

to her staff group. Instead of pretending she did not make an

error in judgment, she used humor. In a meeting with 200 people,

she took accountability for her mistake and shared three things she

learned:

1. It's just as easy to make a big mistake as it is to make a small

one.

2. In order to profit from your mistakes, you have to get out

and make some.

3. Why make the same mistakes over and over again when

there are so many new ones you could make?

162 Say It Right the First Time

Her use of humor lightened the mood of the group and increased

her credibility by making her seem more human and approachable.

There is also a specific cleanup process that allows you to take

accountability for your impact. Read further and identify situations

you need to clean up, then go and do it. There are probably a number

of people who would appreciate a cleanup from you.

X

Cleanup Process

Speaking Accountably

• Step 1: Apologize for what happened.

It takes just two little words, "I apologize," and yet these are

sometimes the most difficult words to say. Other options

include, "I'm sorry," "I regret my actions," or, "I regret my

impact on you."

• Step 2: Take accountability for your impact.

Explicitly state your accountability, such as, "I want you to

know I accept full accountability the effect that my words had

on you and others at the meeting."

• Step 3: Make a promise about the future.

Make the correction to your behavior long-term with a promise

about the future. For example, "In future meetings you

can count on me to listen first instead of reacting."

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 163

• Step 4: Recommit to the relationship.

State the obvious-that you care about the person and your

partnership. For instance, "Our working relationship is

important to me. I see it getting stronger and stronger, especially

as we work through some of our communication challenges."

Why it works: By taking accountability for your impact, you

immediately put others at ease. This gives you a chance to apologize

and tell them how you are going to put things back on

track. By watching you take responsibility, it gives others the

freedom to confront their own mistakes in a healthy manner.

Let's return to the example of Sharon and her "24/7" comment.

How can she recover from the impact of her words? The standard

approach would be for Sharon to explain what she meant. But explanations

are useless when people are upset or angry. Before Sharon can

explain her intentions, she must take accountability for her impact.

By doing this, she diffuses the anger and clears the path for rebuilding

relationships. Below are examples of phrases for recovering after

the damage has already been done.

X

Taking Responsibility for Your Impact

Speaking Accountably

• You: "I owe you an apology. I have created unnecessary anxiety

and concern in you. "

164 Say It Right the First Time

Why it works: You take accountability and apologize for your

impact. The word I further expresses your ownership and

accountability for the situation.

• Manager: "I was annoyed by what I heard, and I worried

about whether I could work here given your 24/7 expectations."

You: "I understand. I let you down and raised questions in

your mind about having a balanced work and family life."

Why it works: You are listening rather than explaining. The

comment above reflects understanding and empathy.

• Manager: "Yes, you did. I want a balanced life, not the life

of a workaholic."

You: "That's exactly what you should have. I want you and every

other manager to have a balanced life. When I used the phrase

24/7, my intention was to communicate urgency, not establish

an expectation. I obviously failed in getting this across."

Why it works: Up to this point, you concentrated on taking

accountability for your impact. This is the first time you

explained your intention. You are focused on understanding

the feelings of the other person. The path is now clear and

expressing what you intended to communicate is appropriate

and useful.

Key Communication Principles

Principle 1: Communication is the response you get.

Think Twice. Your communication effectiveness is measured by how

others respond to you. While your intention may be positive, if your

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 165

words produce a negative reaction, you are accountable for the

impact. Focus on how you want to impact others. Consider how your

comments will affect them before you speak.

Action. Observe how you impact others. Keep an eye out for fires you

unwittingly start or negative reactions you unintentionally spark.

Watch how others behave around you and how they respond. If you

notice a negative reaction ask, "Have I said something that is bothering

you?"

Principle 2: Use the seven prevention tactics

to keep hot buttons from going off.

Think Twice. Before emotions run hot, use the seven prevention

strategies to diffuse the situation. They are:

1. Listen with positive expectations, not judgment.

2. Ask for information in a nonthreatening manner.

3. When in doubt, leave it out.

4. Cool off before you open your mouth.

5. Talk "now," not "always."

6. Treat the undesired behavior as an exception, not the rule.

7. Take emotions out of technology.

Action. Practice prevention daily. For one day try listening with positive

expectations rather than with judgments. Concentrate on the

unexpressed commitment instead of what's wrong.

166 Say It Right the First Time

Principle 3: Focus on recovery, not perfection.

Think Twice. Breakdowns and mistakes happen. When the damage

is already done, you need to recover fast. By focusing on recovery, not

perfection, you send a positive message about learning from mistakes.

More importantly, you send a message that you are not perfect and

you are willing to take accountability for your impact.

Action. The next time you make a mistake, drop the ball, or push a

person's hot button, take accountability immediately. When appropriate,

use the cleanup process and practice saying those two important

words: "I apologize."

When Your Words Get You in Trouble 167

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Section

III

Your Words and

How They

Inspire or Derail

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7

Talking Straight

Responsibly

How to Be Direct and Handle

People Who Are Not

171

Your Purpose

To steer the conversation where you want it to go by insisting on

direct and straightforward communication.

When you get right down to it, one of the most important tasks of

a leader is to eliminate his people's excuse for failure.

Robert Townsend

The lack of straight talk in organizations today is astounding.

Employees do not speak up for fear of repercussions and consequences.

Politically aware leaders are careful and cautious about what

they say for the same reason-repercussions. Unless there is a crisis

Copyright 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Click Here for Terms of Use.

or something that catalyzes people and pushes emotions to the surface,

straight talk is absent. As a result, productivity and efficiency are

directly impacted. People dance around issues and do not ask for what

they want and need. Grievances build, and in the end there is confrontation

instead of collaboration.

However, talking straight responsibly is an essential skill in business

today. Without it, employees are disgruntled and unhappy, and

leaders are frustrated. The phrase, "If only you had told me" is commonly

spoken after leaders are finally direct and straightforward. Talking

straight is not easy, but it is necessary. If you want to get the job

done, ask for what you want and get it, and eliminate the unnecessary

drain on your time and energy. Straight talk is especially needed

if you work with people who are indirect, noncommittal, evasive, or

who withhold information or avoid closure.

Instead of being direct, many people stay stuck in the familiar rut

of being nice and indirect until a crisis comes along that forces them

to speak up. During a crisis, buried concerns, issues, feelings, and sentiments

come spilling out. How many times have you watched this

happen? A crisis becomes the motivator for action. This is what happened

to the poor little frog.

There was a sad little frog who was mired in a deep, muddy

wagon track. All his frog friends came by every day and tried everything

they could to encourage him to get out. But the poor little frog

was stuck deep in the mud, and he couldn't do anything to get out.

Finally, after several days, the other frogs gave up hope and left.

The next day they found the little frog sitting by the pond

bathing in the sun. He was chipper, joyful, and very pleased with

himself. His friends asked, "How did you get here? We thought you

172 Say It Right the First Time

couldn't get out of that rut." The little frog replied, "I couldn't, but

when a wagon came toward me, I had to!"

The story about the little frog could be applied to anyone who

works in an organization. It often takes something or someone to

wake people up out of comfortable patterns and cause action. Why

wait until a crisis? You can demand and achieve outstanding results

by talking straight on a daily basis. When a leader is direct and holds

people accountable for high expectations, people pay attention. No

longer can they hide behind "no one told me."

Responsible straight talk inspires people. They experience a sense

of freedom when they know there is honest and direct communication.

It is important to be able to talk about expectations, disappointments,

and execution. Without straight talk, behaviors do not

change. Only when a leader is honest and communicates responsibly

is there an opportunity for people to work together to correct a situation

or performance issue.

A leader must be direct and straightforward to get action and

results. In this chapter you will learn how to be direct and steer the

conversation where you want it to go.

Straight Talk Defined

Most people do one of two things: They either speak their mind or

withhold their point of view. Talking straight does not fit in either

category. It requires using accountable language that fosters safety and

collaboration while demanding action.

Talking straight responsibly is the willingness to be emotionally

honest and accountable at the same time. Most people only do the

Talking Straight Responsibly 173

former. They express genuine feelings by dumping their opinions

on others without being accountable for the effect they have on others.

Then there are those who have difficultly being emotionally

honest so they withhold thoughts and feelings while leaving others

guessing.

Speaking your mind is NOT straight talk.

Talking straight responsibly is the willingness to be

emotionally honest and accountable at the same time.

Communication dumping and withholding are not talking straight.

Both paths lead to communication problems too numerous to count

with distrust, doubt, and suspicion topping the list. Leaders pay a

high price by not talking straight, including low morale, mediocre

results, and the loss of talented people. When leaders dance around

issues, withhold information, or fail to provide clear expectations and

closure, they lose points with employees. A determining factor in how

others assess your trustworthiness and integrity is how straight and

honest you are with them. People want straight talk and honesty from

their leaders. Not surprisingly, most people handle the truth better

than uncertainty, ambiguity, or dishonesty.

Straight-Talk Checklist

Emotional honesty is easier for some people than for others. It

requires being in touch with what you want before attempting to

communicate. The straight-talk checklist assists you in being emotionally

honest with yourself. Complete this checklist before having

an important conversation with your boss, peers, or subordinates.

174 Say It Right the First Time

X

Straight-Talk Checklist

1. What is the current situation?

2. What is the desired situation?

3. What, specifically, is the concern, problem, or issue?

4. Who is the appropriate person with whom to speak?

5. What relationship outcome do you want from the

conversation?

6. What requests do you have? What actions do you want?

Using the questions from the straight-talk checklist makes it easier

to prepare for tough conversations. It may help to look at each

question a little closer.

What is the current situation? The first step is to identify what is happening

that has you concerned. Be honest with yourself about how

you feel-are you disappointed, upset, or concerned? Do you feel let

down? You can't communicate accountably if you don't understand

what is bothering you. Make sure you can articulate it to yourself

before you try to communicate it to someone else.

What is the desired situation? If you could wave a magic wand and

make the situation exactly the way you want it, what would you see

happening? What would you hear others saying? How would people

feel? Once you can answer these questions, you will have a clearer pic-

Talking Straight Responsibly 175

ture of what you want. The three sensory channels-seeing, hearing,

and feeling-can help you examine the situation from all angles.

What, specifically, is the concern, problem, or issue? State your concern

in one sentence, such as, "I am concerned about the drop in

morale of your group during the past quarter." If you can't express

your concerns in one sentence, you're not ready to have the conversation.

It's important to fully solidify your concern and reduce it down

to the core issue before you communicate.

Who is the appropriate person with whom to speak? Once you have

identified the problem or issue, the next step is to determine the person

you should speak to who will produce the most powerful results.

Make sure you are talking to the right person. If it's a performance

issue, that's easy-you'll be talking directly to the person. But if it is

more complicated and involves multiple parties, determine whom

you need to speak to first, second, and so on.

What relationship outcome do you want from the conversation?

Before you speak, determine how you want the individual to feel at

the end of the conversation. How will you reinforce a relationship

message? For example, you could say, "Our relationship is important

to me. I want the resolution of this issue to strengthen how we work

together." Identifying and expressing an outcome for the relationship

allows the partnership to grow.

What requests do you have? What actions do you want? Once you

know the outcome you want, make a request in order to get it. A

request moves the conversation into action. Make sure you know

176 Say It Right the First Time

exactly what request you want to make and be prepared to specify

action, times, and follow-up. For example: "Would you join me at

8 a.m. tomorrow to meet with the head of Corporate Development

to follow up on our report?" A request can also establish specific performance

expectations such as, "I want you to turn this situation

around by the end of the quarter. Can I count on you to do this?"

Use the straight-talk checklist to prepare for difficult conversations.

It will help you clear your mind and state specifically what

you want. If you cannot answer all six questions clearly, you may

want to talk with a colleague, friend, or professional who will keep

your confidences. Talking out loud and having someone ask questions

can clarify your thinking by bringing unconscious thoughts

to the surface.

Asking for What You Want

Learning how to ask for what you want is a critical leadership skill.

Requests move the action forward. Learning how to make a request

and manage the response you get are key.

X

Asking for What You Want

Speaking Accountably

• "My request is . . . by [state time]."

• "What I want from you is . . . by [state time]."

• "What I am asking you to do is . . . by [state time]."

Talking Straight Responsibly 177

• "The action I want from you is . . . by [state time]."

• "The results I want from you are . . . by [state time]."

Why it works: Most requests are ambiguous such as "I'd like to

have . . ." Make your requests direct and clear. Be precise, stating

what you want and always include "by when" so you have

closure. Fixing a deadline or due date makes the acceptance real.

Without it, someone may accept your request but not act on it

for an extended time.

A request for action is only useful if you manage the response and

get a clear-cut answer. There are three acceptable responses to a

request: (1) Yes, (2) No, or (3) a counteroffer. Make sure you know

what the response is before you end the discussion. If the individual

responds, "I need to think about this," then you have a "no" response.

Ask the person what it will take for him or her to say "yes." Is there

something more you need to provide? Establish a time to follow up

and obtain closure. Don't let your request float out there in nevernever

land.

If you receive a "yes, but" response, this is also a "no." This is an

extremely important point: A qualified "yes" is always a "no." A "yes"

response means "I accept your request and I will go into action." Any

conditions on this response place the answer in the "no" category.

Your life will be considerably easier, with fewer disappointments, if

you remember the distinction between a true "yes" and "no"

response.

178 Say It Right the First Time

X

Managing the Response to Your Requests

Speaking Accountably

After your request, ask for closure in one of the following

categories:

1. Yes. I accept your request.

"Yes, I'm ready to commit and take action. Where do we begin?"

Confirm who, when, what, and where. Tie down details to make

action real.

2. No, I do not accept your request.

This includes "yes, but"; "I need to think about this"; "Sounds

good, give me a little time"; "Yes, but with one condition"; "Yes,

perhaps down the road"; "I'd like to do this, let me see how things

work out"; and "I'll let you know."

3. No, I do not accept your request and I have a counteroffer.

"I like your idea. I propose a different approach . . ." "You have

my buy-in on the concept. I suggest another implementation

approach."

Why it works: People are indirect about accepting requests and

committing to a specific action. By managing the response to

your requests, you will obtain a clear "yes," "no," or "counteroffer."

Tie down all "yes" responses with a "by when" date.

Talking Straight Responsibly 179

Being Direct

When you speak, people listen for what you expect and what you have

decided. An easy trap to fall into is failing to communicate when a

decision has not been made. Instead of being direct, leaders hedge

when it comes to closure because they are not ready to commit. There

are many times when committing to a specific action is inappropriate.

However, for these times you need to give people closure about not

having closure. This may sound strange, but certainty about uncertainty

works. It provides definition, boundaries, and a reality check on

expectations. Being direct keeps people from feeling anxious.

X

Be Direct When You Have

Not Made a Decision

Speaking Accountably

• "I'm not convinced one way or the other. I am going to wait

until the announcement on 'X' before making a decision."

• "I'm undecided. I need more input on 'X' before I'm willing

to go to the next step."

• "I do not have a decision today. During the next couple of

weeks, I want all of us to look at options before we make a

decision."

• "I am not announcing a decision or advocating a particular

approach. What I do have are recommendations for . . ."

180 Say It Right the First Time

• "I have not concluded anything. My plan is to gather more

information and revisit this next week."

• "No decision has been made. And there are no plans to make

the decision to move forward on 'X' this year."

• "I am not ready to make a decision. The topic is open for discussion

and I want your input."

Why it works: Closure is crucial. The fact that you have not

made a decision is important information. Leaders often think

it is essential only to announce decisions that have been made.

Wrong. It is critical to let people know when a decision (1) has

not been made, (2) will not be made, or (3) will be made by (fill

in the time frame). Minds function best with certainty.

You are the leader. You have authority. Unless you explicitly tell

people you have not made a decision, they will assume you have and

will decide what decision you have made. They will infer you have a

fixed position and have made a decision even when you haven't. It is

your job to clarify this up front, not at the end when their opinions

have already formed.

Separating Facts

from Conclusions

The ability to separate facts from interpretation or conclusions is a

critical skill for leaders. Too often people confuse the facts and what

actually happened is not clear to anyone. When you speak, divide the

facts and conclusions into two separate pieces of information. Lead-

Talking Straight Responsibly 181

ers who are descriptive and factual have higher credibility because listeners

trust they are hearing an unbiased, factual point of view that

is distinct and separate from conclusions.

X

State the Facts before Conclusions

Speaking Accountably

Facts lead to Conclusions

What I heard was . . . What I concluded is . . .

What I saw was . . . What I decided is . . .

What I observed was . . . The action I want to take

is . . .

What I noticed was . . . What I propose we do is . . .

What I learned was . . . I suggest that we . . .

What I discovered was . . . This leads me to believe . . .

My research revealed that . . . Based on this, I think we

should . . .

Why it works: Disconnecting what you saw and heard from

what you concluded keeps your communication straightforward

and direct. Start with the facts and tell people what you heard,

saw, noticed, and observed. Only after you have presented the

facts should conclusions and/or recommendations be intro-

182 Say It Right the First Time

duced. Use clear and direct language when you present your

thoughts, such as "What I have concluded is . . ."

When you speak, decouple facts from your conclusions and interpretation

of what happened. This will significantly enhance your credibility

and believability.

Communicating in a Timely Manner

Ignoring something that concerns or bothers you is not a good idea.

Often it raises your anxiety and builds distrust in the other person

when you finally decide to communicate. Once you realize something

is bothering you, sort it out so you can express your concern in an

accountable and timely manner.

If you are someone who dislikes conflict and confronting others,

you may allow an issue to build until it is emotionally impossible to

ignore. By this point your concern has reached monumental proportions

and may erupt into an overly intense communication or even a

verbal assault. Waiting too long significantly reduces the option of

using accountable communication. You may be so distraught that just

saying what is on your mind is more important than how you say it.

Your words may come out with too much force, leaving you in the

position of needing to repair the relationship.

What if you have delayed communicating? First, examine why

you have postponed talking with your boss or someone else about a

sensitive issue. Second, communicate and take accountability for your

delay and the impact this may have on the other person.

Talking Straight Responsibly 183

X

Owning Up to Delaying Communicating

Speaking Accountably

You: "I have been thinking about 'X' for a while but I have not

talked with you. I want to apologize for not communicating

sooner."

Boss: "Why did you wait so long? Why didn't you bring this up

sooner?"

You: "I was concerned if I should say anything at all. I didn't

want to upset you."

Boss: "Well, it upsets me that you waited to talk to me."

You: "Yes, I understand. It is my responsibility to keep you

informed. We've always had a good relationship, and I want to

keep it that way by communicating in a more timely manner.

Are you open to having a conversation about 'X' now?"

Why it works: You immediately take accountability for not

communicating. Additionally, you send a message about valuing

the relationship when you promise to communicate in a

more timely manner in the future. Accountability and correcting

the behavior are two important aspects of this message.

When Others Don't Talk Straight

Identifying when others are not talking straight gives you access to

speed and power. When you recognize something is absent, you can

184 Say It Right the First Time

correct it immediately. Otherwise you have to rely on a more intuitive

method for determining when an individual is being less than

emotionally honest. You may get that funny internal sensation that

tells you something is not quite right. If your radar is good, you'll pick

this up right away. But remember, even though you know something

is off, you may still not know what it is or how to correct it.

There are eight telltale signs that reveal when straight talk is missing.

Do you know others who are guilty of these behaviors? How

about you? Which behaviors do you engage in with (1) peers, (2) superiors,

and/or (3) subordinates? If you're like most leaders, you will recognize

that you engage in at least three of the behaviors listed.

X

The Eight Telltale Signs When

Straight Talk Is Missing

1. Dancing around the issue

2. Dumping a laundry list of concerns

3. Dramatizing and exaggerating

4. Minimizing and reducing

5. Withholding information, thoughts, or feelings

6. Expecting others to read your mind

7. Dropping a bomb

8. Deflecting and avoiding

Talking Straight Responsibly 185

All of the above behaviors impede action and progress, yet they

are common in organizations. As you read on, ask yourself: Do I

engage in these behaviors and do I allow others to deliver indirect

messages?

Dancing around the Issue

People who dance around the issue and hedge their bets never quite

say anything that can tie them down. They always have an escape

hatch so they can claim, "I never said that!" Used to qualify messages,

hedging is sometimes appropriate and helpful. When used to avoid

talking about sensitive issues, hedging can be destructive.

X

Hedging and Dancing around the Issue

Speaking That Derails

• "Maybe we can take a look at this sometime in the future."

• "Perhaps this is an issue we can discuss at another time."

• "It's possible we could move ahead if we see results."

• "I'm not sure if we should proceed. We probably will."

• "For a while, let's table this discussion."

• "Conceivably it's possible, if we think it through."

• "It sounds reasonable."

• "It's plausible we may act on this some time in the future."

186 Say It Right the First Time

Why it doesn't work: Dancing, hedging, and avoiding all have

their roots in noncommittal language. Words such as maybe,

sometimes, and perhaps are acceptable when used in contexts

where they accurately represent a situation. However, when used

to avoid being straight and honest, they get in the way. The

previous statements illustrate two types of hedging: ambiguous

time frames and a noncommittal point of view.

Hedging and dancing around the issue result in a lack of direction

and closure. People need and want structure, direction, and certainty.

When you hedge, you can expect performance to be less than

optimal. Without clear expectations from you, people do what they

think you want, not what you really want.

Following this train of thought, how do you handle people who

hedge with you? At times like these you need direct questions that

give you access to high-quality information and closure. If someone

is unwilling to provide closure or make a decision, confirm this. This

is itself a form of closure.

X

Handling People Who Hedge and Avoid

Speaking Accountably

• "When you say 'maybe,' what exactly do you mean? What

specific criteria need to be met for you to say 'yes'?"

• "When you refer to 'sometime' in the future, are you saying

by the end of this week, next month, or next quarter?"

Talking Straight Responsibly 187

• "When I hear you use the word perhaps, it lets me know you

are not ready to decide. Is this what you are saying? When

will you be ready to decide? What will it take for you to make

a decision?"

• "When you use the word possible, does this mean (a) highly

likely, (b) moderately likely, or (c) not at all likely?"

• "When you say my idea sounds 'reasonable,' it implies you are

not committed to acting on it. Is this accurate? What do I

need to provide so you can make a firm commitment?"

Why it works: Providing choice is important when talking with

people who hedge. The above questions are specific in nature

and lead the person to respond within certain parameters. Just

asking the question "What do you mean by 'X'" may not give

you high-quality information. If the individual has been hedging,

he or she will most likely hedge again when asked a general

question. Going a step further and asking for criteria or

providing a list of choices forces the person to respond with

more precision.

Dumping a Laundry List of Concerns

It's not one thing; it's many. A laundry list of problems and issues

obscures the real concerns. Too often, high levels of frustration cause

people to spout off and dump one concern after another. When this

happens, the person has not sufficiently sorted out what is really bothering

him or her. Instead everything is listed.

188 Say It Right the First Time

X

Dumping Concerns

Speaking That Derails

Person A: "I'm concerned about this initiative."

Person B: "What concerns you?"

Person A: "Oh, I don't know. A lot of things, I guess. For

instance, you never copy me on any memos."

Person B: "Really? I didn't realize this."

Person A: "And it's not just that. I wasn't on the agenda for the

last meeting, and you didn't discuss the topics with me in

advance."

Person B: "Oh, I'm glad you're letting me know."

Person A: "Besides, you ignored the fact that I'm in charge of

documenting the results."

Why it doesn't work: Dumping multiple concerns creates confusion

and results in murky communication. If you start down

the path of trying to handle each concern, another will appear.

Person A does not know what is really bothering him or her.

Therefore, Person B has become the sounding board rather than

a problem-solver.

What can you do when people give you a laundry list of concerns?

You can steer the conversation and hold them accountable for expressing

what actually concerns them.

Talking Straight Responsibly 189

X

Handling People Who "Dump" Concerns

Speaking Accountably

Direct Report: "I'm concerned about this initiative."

You: "What concerns you?"

Direct Report: "Oh, I don't know. A lot of things, I guess. For

instance, you never copy me on any memos."

You: "What else?"

Direct Report: "I wasn't on the agenda for the last meeting,

and you didn't discuss the topics with me in advance."

You: "Anything else?"

Why it works: The direct report lists multiple concerns but not

once have you dealt with any of them. Instead, you encourage

the person to keep talking until the list is exhausted. This does

two things: It allows the individual to fully communicate, and

it diffuses the situation. Allowing people to say everything that

is on their mind before you talk and try to solve the problem

gives them the feeling of being fully heard and understood.

Once the concerns have been listed, you can steer the conversation

where you want it to go by getting the person to discuss the

undiscussables. Feeling let down and disappointed and talking about

relationships are among the most difficult things for people to express.

Instead, they take a detour and focus on tangible, easy to discuss

190 Say It Right the First Time

issues. Take charge and gently intervene to encourage the person to

be emotionally honest.

X

What to Say after All Concerns Are Voiced

Speaking Accountably

"I appreciate your candor. It sounds as if I have let you down.

You're disappointed with my lack of partnership and support. Is

this accurate?"

Other options:

It sounds as if I have . . .

• disappointed you.

• let you down.

• left you feeling unsupported.

• frustrated and upset you.

• discouraged you and affected your enthusiasm.

• unintentionally thwarted your efforts to move things forward.

• offended you.

• not listened fully to what you have to say.

Why it works: After the individual has expressed all concerns, you

acknowledge him or her for communicating. Then you make an

Talking Straight Responsibly 191

assertion about how you left him or her feeling. The person will

either confirm or correct your assertion. Either way, you gather

more information and move the conversation from an intellectual

level to dealing with unmet expectations and disappointment.

Finally, a note of caution: Taking accountability for how you

impact people does not mean taking blame. There is no discussion

about whether they are right or wrong, or who is responsible. If people

feel let down by you, they are. This does not mean you intentionally

provoked this response. It does mean you are accountable for

how you affected them. Focus on validating the feelings of others and

find out what you did or said that contributed to their response. This

puts you on the path of correcting, not protecting.

Dramatizing and Exaggerating

People who exaggerate make issues bigger than what they are. Dramatizing

and exaggerating occur when people interpret rather than

focus on the facts. They embellish their concerns by overstating what

is happening. This complicates and distorts the message, making it

difficult to ascertain what happened.

X

Dramatizing Concerns

Speaking That Derails

• "You won't believe what happened. I never saw anything so

ridiculous."

192 Say It Right the First Time

• "It was incredibly bad, very bad! And everyone agrees."

• "I can't believe this horrible situation occurred! People are

going crazy."

• "It's unbelievable, completely incomprehensible."

• "What happened is mind-boggling! Everyone is up in arms

about this."

Why it doesn't work: Dramatizing or exaggerating involves evaluative

and interpretative language. Rather than describing what

happened and providing a factual description, the individual provides

an interpretation. Loaded with expletives, every sentence

seems to end with an exclamation mark. To the listener, exaggeration

raises serious doubts about the accuracy of the information.

To handle people who dramatize, you must focus them on the

facts and move them off interpretation. You can do this by asking

questions that elicit specific, factual information.

X

Handling People Who Dramatize Concerns

Speaking Accountably

• "Let's start over. Tell me what you heard and saw first, and

then we can discuss what you concluded."

• "Please describe exactly what happened. Hold off on your

thoughts and let's focus on what took place."

Talking Straight Responsibly 193

• "I know you are upset and I want to hear how you feel. But

first let's start from the beginning. Tell me precisely what was

said."

• "What specifically did you hear?"

• "What transpired? Please be explicit."

• "What did you see? Describe the specific behaviors."

Why it works: Asking for facts rather than interpretation eliminates

drama. Words such as specific, precise, and explicit help steer

the conversation. Other key phrases, such as "hold off on your

thoughts" refocus the discussion on facts. You may have to continually

steer the conversation to keep the individual centered

on describing, not interpreting.

Minimizing and Reducing

Minimizing or diminishing your own concerns is misleading. It also

puts the other person in the uncomfortable position of trying to understand

what you are really saying. The "Aw shucks, it weren't no big deal"

communication deflects what is going on. The language of deflection

reduces and redirects attention to other people and/or topics.

X

Minimizing Concerns

Speaking That Derails

• "Oh, it's not a big deal."

194 Say It Right the First Time

• "It's really a small thing."

• "It doesn't concern me much."

• "We don't need to spend much time on this."

• "It's just a minor issue."

• "It's really inconsequential."

Why it doesn't work: Understatement reduces and diminishes

the significance of the message. There is also an unspoken expectation

that others will recognize the importance of the issue

and/or feeling without the individual being accountable for

expressing it.

When you hear a statement such as "it's not a big deal," beware.

This is representative of statements made when people are uncomfortable

expressing how they really feel. How do you handle people

who are indirect and minimize their concerns? Take control of the

discussion and readdress the issue.

X

Handling People Who Minimize Their Concerns

Speaking Accountably

• "Let's pause for a moment and take a look at how this impacts

you."

• "Before we treat this as a minor concern, let's reconsider what

is at stake."

Talking Straight Responsibly 195

• "I'd like to spend more time discussing this. Even though it

seems inconsequential to you, I'm concerned."

• "Although it may be a small issue to you, it's significant to

me."

• "Before we act, let's consider how this will affect you down

the road."

• "I want to return to your concern of 'X.' Let's take a closer

look at this."

Why it works: Basically, you take accountability for bringing the

concern to the surface and fully examining it. This reduces or

avoids having subsequent conversations on the same topic. Just

because a person says it's not important does not make it so.

Make sure the concern is fully expressed and explored before

moving on.

Withholding Information,Thoughts, or Feelings

No news is bad news when it comes to people who withhold. Being

in control of themselves is key. By not divulging feelings, they are less

vulnerable and exposed. In business, there are appropriate times to

withhold thoughts and information, for instance, when you are dealing

with a confidential issue or a pending business announcement.

This is all part of being accountable and appropriate as a leader. It

does not, however, eliminate or excuse the need for straight talk.

Dealing with people who withhold information, thoughts, or feelings

requires that you take charge once again and steer the conversa-

196 Say It Right the First Time

tion. These intervention tactics allow you to control the flow and

direction of the conversation by demanding high-quality information

before moving forward.

X

Handling People Who Withhold

Information or Feelings

Speaking Accountably

• "Before we go any further, it feels as if I'm missing something.

Is there something you're not saying?"

• "It seems that something important is not being communicated.

What is on your mind?"

• "I understand how you think about this situation. But I don't

know how you feel. What haven't you told me?"

• "I've heard everything you've said, but it feels as if there is

something you're not saying. What haven't you communicated?"

• "Let's stop the conversation here. Something concerns me. It

feels as if you have more to say. Talk to me."

• "I'm not willing to go any further in this conversation until I

understand what is on your mind. What's going on with you?"

Why it works: Stopping the conversation and redirecting it to

what is not being communicated challenges the person to disclose.

Being direct is the best approach with a person who with-

Talking Straight Responsibly 197

holds. Eliminate the escape hatch of people pretending nothing

is bothering them. Let them know you recognize something is

being withheld.

Don't let people off the hook. They may answer your question

with, "There's nothing more to say." That's a sure sign there is more.

Probe again and be steadfast in waiting to hear the missing information.

If the person does not disclose, say something such as, "I don't

feel that we have closure. I would like you to think about this, and

we can talk again on Tuesday." This alerts the individual that you are

not satisfied or finished with the conversation.

Expecting Others to Read Your Mind

Some people believe giving hints, clues, and signs are enough for anyone

to figure out what they are saying. The message is implied, but

never explicitly stated. Expecting others to read your mind is followed

by disappointment when they don't. The burden is on the person who

must constantly work to get the other person to communicate. This

places accountability on the listener to "guess" what is being said.

X

"Read My Mind" Messages

Speaking That Derails

• Spoken Message: "Everything is moving along well with the

exception of a few snags. I'm trying to work through them as

best I can."

198 Say It Right the First Time

Implied Message: Things are not smooth. There are problems.

• Spoken Message: "All things considered, I enjoy what I'm

doing. All jobs have their ups and downs."

Implied Message: There are issues.

Why it doesn't work: The spoken message intellectualizes the

issue and implies, but does not explicitly state, the concern. The

listener is left with a lack of clarity and precision and must speculate

about what is actually being communicated.

Dealing with people who want you to read their minds takes discipline

and rigor on your part. You cannot let them slide by with

unspoken expectations. Nail down what they are saying and what they

expect of you.

X

Handling People Who Want You to Mind Read

Speaking Accountably

• "I heard what you said, but I am not clear. What are you trying

to say?"

• "It sounds as if you are implying 'X'? Is this accurate? I need

to hear this in your words."

• "I'm confused. I hear you say 'X' and then I hear you imply

'Y.' Please clarify."

Talking Straight Responsibly 199

• "I'm hearing two things-what you said and what you're not

saying. Let's talk about what you're not saying."

Why it works: When you intervene, you place the attention on

the implied meaning. You are separating what the person said

from what is being implied. By disconnecting these two messages,

you can target the conversation to the part of the message

that is indirect.

Don't allow people to put you in the dangerous position of reading

their minds. This places accountability on you to provide clarity

and accurate understanding of the message. Additionally, it gives the

other person permission to continue being indirect and circuitous in

his or her messages.

Dropping a Bomb

The thinking behind this is "If I ignore it long enough, it will go away."

Delaying discussion about something usually does not resolve the issue.

It only gives anxiety and uncertainty more time to build. An issue that

surfaces weeks or months after the event is often seen as manipulative

and dishonest. Although the concern is only temporarily withheld, the

delay in discussing an issue creates feelings of distrust.

X

"Dropping a Bomb" Messages

Speaking That Derails

• "I've been meaning to talk to you about this . . ."

200 Say It Right the First Time

• "This has been bothering me for some time . . ."

• "I had hoped I wouldn't have to talk to you about this,

but . . ."

• "This has been on my mind for a long time . . ."

Why it doesn't work: Each of the above phrases raises anxiety. If

something has been bothering a person or has been on his or her

mind for a long time, why hasn't it been communicated? The

language is revealing and creates distrust.

When a person drops a bomb, it sets off alarms. The listener automatically

gets the feeling that the "other shoe is about to drop." Trust

drops with it. How can you trust someone who saves up his or her

grievances and drops them like a bomb? Because they are unexpected,

it creates even more apprehension. For the most part, people enjoy

surprises, but not this kind.

X

Handling People Who Drop a Bomb

Speaking Accountably

• "Before we have the conversation about 'X,' let's talk about

what caused you to wait until now to discuss this. Is it something

I have said or done?"

• "I need to understand what has stopped you from talking

about your concern before now. Did you think I would not

listen?"

Talking Straight Responsibly 201

• "Help me understand. This has been on your mind for a long

time. What have I said or done that prevented you from talking

to me sooner?"

Why it works: Before discussing the issue or concern, the conversation

focuses on the delay in communicating. The above

phrases take accountability rather than pointing the finger at

others for not communicating sooner. Asking, "Is there something

I have said or done . . ." makes it safe for the other person

to communicate why he or she has delayed in communicating.

The fear that employees have of speaking up is prevalent across

organizations. A major delay in communicating may be the result of

caution and distrust about the repercussions and consequences of

speaking up. Your job is to understand what stopped the person from

talking to you sooner and to make corrections so it does not happen

again.

Deflecting and Avoiding

A common way to deflect and avoid an issue is to lead the conversation

off track. Irrelevant comments or changing the topic completely

is often effective if the leader does not reign in the conversation. In a

meeting or one-on-one conversation, intervene and get it back on

course when a person leads it off-track. Interrupting abruptly does

not work. It diminishes the person, especially in front of others. How

can you steer the conversation back on course? The following phrases

provide accountable language for getting your message across.

202 Say It Right the First Time

X

Keeping the Conversation on Track

Speaking Accountably

• "Help me understand how your last comment relates to . . ."

• "We've been talking about 'X.' Please explain the relevance of

what you are saying."

• "How does what you're saying deal with the issue on the

table?"

• "I'm a little lost. Help me understand how what you are saying

applies to . . ."

Why it works: The examples steer the conversation back on track

and keep the individual from deflecting and avoiding. Without

interrupting abruptly, you challenge the relevancy of the individual's

comment and pull the discussion back on course.

Key Communication Principles

Principle 1: Talk straight responsibly by being emotionally

honest and accountable for your impact.

Think Twice. Talking straight is not a technique to be used occasionally.

It is a choice about how you want to do business. Being

direct, honest, and straightforward increases trust, safety, and your

credibility. Being emotionally honest and accountable at the same

Talking Straight Responsibly 203

time requires you to be responsible for how your messages impact

others without sacrificing being direct.

Action. How direct are you? Identify what stops you from being

direct. Then practice talking straight responsibly on a daily basis.

Principle 2: Be relentless in demanding direct and

straightforward communication from others.

Think Twice. It's up to you as the leader to create an environment

where talking straight responsibly is expected. Modeling the behaviors

you want from others is key. In addition, it is important for you

to gently intervene and steer the conversation back on course when

straight talk is missing. Challenging others when straight talk is missing

helps people understand what they need to correct.

Action. Have a discussion about talking straight responsibly with your

people. Educate them about the value of talking straight.

Principle 3: Intervene and steer the

conversation where you want it to go.

Think Twice. Take charge and steer conversations where you want

them to go. Without intervention and direction, conversations tend

to go offtrack. The absence of straight talk contributes to this and

keeps discussions from resolving issues and concerns.

Action. Steer conversations and challenge others when straight talk is

missing. Do this in meetings and in one-on-one conversations.

204 Say It Right the First Time

Principle 4: A qualified "Yes" is always a "No."

Think Twice. Wishful thinking and a desire for an affirmative response

lead many people to believe a qualified "yes" is a real "yes." It is not.

Any condition on a "yes" response makes it a "yes, but" answer and

immediately moves it into the "no" category. Just because you hear the

word yes does not mean you received a positive response or that the

person will take action. Accurately identify the response to your request

so you can take the next step in getting what you want.

Action. Manage the response you get to a request. Make sure you have

one of the following: (1) a clear-cut, unqualified "yes" with a "by

when" time, (2) a "no," or (3) a "counteroffer" that provides other

options.

Talking Straight Responsibly 205

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8

Commitments

with Integrity

How to Replace Casual Promises

with Real Ownership

207

Your Purpose

To stretch and inspire people by replacing "wait and see" attitudes

with commitment.

People are always blaming their circumstances for what they are. I

don't believe in circumstances. The people who get on in this world

are the people who get up and look for the circumstances they

want, and, if they can't find them, make them.

George Bernard Shaw

Talk is cheap, as the old saying goes. But this was not the case in

ancient Rome. When engineers were engaged to build what we

Copyright 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Click Here for Terms of Use.

know as the Roman arch, they had to commit to test it upon completion.

The law read that the engineer who built the arch had to

stand beneath it while the scaffolding was being removed. The

point was that if the arch came crashing down, the engineer would

be the first to know. Roman engineers understood that their commitment

to quality work needed to be authentic since their lives

were hanging in the balance. Given such high standards, it is not

surprising to find that many of the Roman arches have survived for

over 2000 years.

Committing with integrity-the promise to persevere despite

tough challenges and difficult circumstances-produces outstanding

results. How people relate to their commitments, whether casually

or as a bond, impacts both people and results. Answer the

following eight questions and take an honest look at how you think

about, make, and keep commitments. The questions are also useful

in a discussion on the importance of commitment with your

group.

X

Is Your Word Your Bond?

Rate yourself on a scale of 1 to 5 (1 = seldom if ever, 2 = once in

a while, 3 = often, 4 = frequently, 5 = all the time).

1. Is your word your bond? When you make commitments,

promises, or agreements, do you keep them?

2. Do you avoid making commitments?

3. Do commitments make you anxious or uncomfortable?

208 Say It Right the First Time

4. Do you communicate responsibly prior to changing a deadline

or agreement?

5. Do you casually promise things you do not intend to deliver,

such as "I'll call you tomorrow."?

6. Do you commit or agree to something out of impatience or

frustration?

7. Do you promise or commit because it is expected?

8. Do others trust you to keep your agreements and promises?

Your answers to the eight questions reveal how committed you

are to your commitments. There is no right or wrong score. What is

important to discover is if you are steadfast in your commitments,

both large and small. After all, it is easy to make promises but if you

are not committed to fulfilling them, what's the point? Think about

your answers and determine if you are one of the following:

1. "No Promise" Person. You do not easily make commitments

or promises. In fact, you avoid them whenever possible.

Commitments and promises make you

uncomfortable.

2. "Big Promise" Person. Your success rate for keeping large

commitments is high. When you make a big commitment,

you intend to persevere and make it happen. You do not feel

the same way about small or insignificant promises such as,

"I'll call you soon."

Commitments with Integrity 209

3. "Small Promise" Person. The smaller commitments are

easier for you. You feel more in control and less vulnerable

and exposed when compared with big promises. When you

say you are going to call, you do.

4. "All Promise" Person. Your word is your bond. It doesn't

make any difference if the commitment is large or small. If

you make it, you keep it or you don't make it at all. When

you promise anything, your word means you will deliver.

All actions start with commitment, which is a declaration about

the future you want. It is not about trying; it is about doing. Although

a commitment does not guarantee results, it gives people access to

their most powerful internal resources. When you genuinely commit

to something, your mind, heart, and actions align to produce the outcome

you want. Giving your word and committing to a specific

action or result is what sets everything in motion.

Not only is your commitment important, but the words you use

to make agreements and promises make a difference. Leading with

purpose and direction requires authentic commitments from you and

those with whom you work. Words are powerful; committed speaking

inspires people to reach higher and do more than they think is

possible. As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "Do the thing and you will

have the power." This is committing with integrity-using powerful

words to declare the future you want.

This chapter covers how to use commitment-based words and

phrases to inspire people to raise the bar on performance. Most leaders

use incremental or "small-step" language that limits what is possible.

Learning how to make bold commitments using quantum

language will allow you to demand and get stellar performance. You

210 Say It Right the First Time

will also learn how to eliminate wiggle room and obtain authentic

commitment from others.

The Dangers of "Try"

Have you ever made a New Year's resolution that lasted less than 24

hours? Unfortunately, when language is used carelessly, resolutions

and pledges are in reality "wish lists" instead of "commitments." We

wish things were different; hope things will change, and try to

improve. With all this trying and wishing, people feel powerless and

unable to achieve long-lasting results. Circumstances-those daily,

uncontrollable events of life-leave people feeling as if it's "me against

the world." When people are in a "wait and see" mode, they use noncommittal

hedging words such as sometimes, perhaps, and maybe,

along with other weak words such as try.

Language shapes our reality, and the words we choose have a

direct impact on what happens or doesn't happen. Every time we

"try" or "wish" things were different, we reduce our chances for getting

what we want. Have you ever read the dictionary definition of

the word try? It is "to attempt, to make an effort, to struggle, to do

something without much expectation of success." "Try" is a trap: It

is an incomplete action and a noncommitment word. When people

say they are going to try to do something, it means they are

going to make an attempt. The act of trying is a process, not an end

result.

When the word try is used, it not only expresses a lack of commitment

but it impacts how we think and behave. When you try to

do something, it puts you in the state of "let's wait and see if this is a

good idea." Being stuck in the "land of trying" steals energy and

Commitments with Integrity 211

destroys spirit. Unless you only intend to make an attempt, the word

try leads down a path fraught with obstacles.

If try is a word you frequently use, pay attention to how you feel

about making binding agreements. Do you feel boxed in, stuck, or

trapped? Many people think that commitments are limiting and take

away choice. Interestingly, the exact opposite is true. The condition

of trying is limiting and stagnant, while making a commitment opens

up countless possibilities.

It is also interesting to note that the English language has numerous

word combinations and jargon that have a similar meaning to the word

try. In contrast, there are far fewer words that signify commitment.

X

Refuse to Be Seduced by "TRY"

Speaking That Derails

• "I'll try." • "I'll give it my best shot."

• "I'll try hard." • "I'll make an effort to . . ."

• "I'll try my best." • "I'll make every effort to . . ."

• "I'll do all I can." • "I'll take a crack at . . ."

• "I'll give it my all." • "I'll do my utmost."

• "I'll make a supreme effort." • "I'll take a stab at it."

• "I'll pull out all the stops." • "I'll go all-out."

• "I'll bend over backwards." • "I'll have a go at it."

212 Say It Right the First Time

• "I'll work hard." • ""I'll endeavor to . . ."

• "I'll attempt to . . ." • "I'll take a shot at it."

Why it doesn't work: Phrases such as "I'll pull out all the stops"

sound good, but what do they mean? They come from the family

of "try" and represent an attempt to act, but not a promise.

The word try is not a commitment: It is appropriate only if you

are communicating that you will attempt something. However,

"try" is often used as a substitute for committing. "Try" and its

friends are a form of indirect communication signifying minimal

accountability for results. Using "try" hedges all bets from

the start.

Another limiting aspect to the word try is how it affects the mind.

"Try" is a mental condition that signals the brain to endeavor, not do,

something. What happens when you "try" to lose weight, "try" to take

a vacation, or "try" to work fewer hours? The likelihood of success is

not very good. By eliminating the word try and replacing it with

committed language, your success rate significantly increases. Instead

of trying, you can say, "I will lose 10 pounds by . . . ," "I will take

a vacation by . . . ," or "Starting this week, I will complete my work

by . . ."

The mind responds differently to a committed action. A commitment

means "playing to win." Trying means "playing to avoid losing."

There is considerable distance between these two end states. The

first requires full effort; the latter requires jockeying for position to

be at least one step above those who lose. Of course, empty or meaningless

commitments, regardless of the words used, do not produce

results. The positive and real intent to deliver must be present. When

Commitments with Integrity 213

your word is your bond, committed language is far more powerful

than "try" and its friends.

X

Commit and Do It

Speaking Accountably

• "I promise . . ." • "You can count on me to . . ."

• "I commit . . ." • "I will make it happen."

• "I will . . ." • "I will take care of . . ."

• "I give you my word . . ." • "I will be accountable for . . ."

Why it works: The language of commitment is powerful and

action-oriented. It unequivocally sends an "I will" versus "I'll

try" message. These phrases tell the listener you are giving your

word and that you can be counted on to keep it. A word of caution:

Only use the above phrases for commitments you intend

to keep. If you use committed language indiscriminately and fail

to fulfill your promises, others will observe your behavior and

discount your words. Overuse and misuse of the above phrases

renders them meaningless and powerless.

The language of commitment is strong and direct with a message

of, "I personally accept accountability for producing this result." Here

is a case when using "I" is not only appropriate, it is necessary. Commitments

require personal accountability even when involving a team

214 Say It Right the First Time

or group. Speaking in the first person and accepting responsibility

makes the commitment credible and believable.

Committing with Integrity

People commit too easily when they do not intend to deliver, and fail

to commit when they intend to follow through. There is a great deal

of laziness in how we use language to effortlessly make promises. We

are undisciplined in how we speak about committed action. Promises,

agreements, and commitments have lost meaning in a world where

the word of a person is no longer enough. We question whether we

can trust commitments. We doubt if we can count on people to do

what they say. We speculate if their commitment is short term or long

term. Will it last over time? We are skeptical whether the words of

commitment will turn into action.

Are you undisciplined in saying what you mean and meaning

what you say? Don't answer this question too quickly. There are many

commitments and promises, small and large, which we utter without

conscious awareness. We mechanically use numerous words and

phrases that are socially acceptable but meaningless. Consider the

automatic, innocuous comments that our language has become filled

with such as, "Let's have lunch sometime," or, "I'll call you soon."

Most everyone recognizes these as throwaway remarks frequently used

when people do not know what to say or they want to exit a conversation.

They are not authentic promises and commitments. Unfortunately,

this is the problem. We are in the practice of using language

casually and committing to things we never intend to do. Or, we have

good intentions but do not follow through.

Commitments with Integrity 215

X

Casual Promises That Erode Your Word

Speaking That Derails

• "I'll call you soon."

• "We'll have to do this again."

• "Let's do this again sometime."

• "I'll e-mail you."

• "Let's have lunch before long."

• "I'll talk to you sometime soon."

• "Let's talk in the not-too-distant future."

• "Let's touch base soon."

Why it doesn't work: Throwaway promises are typically used at

the end of a conversation. Meaningless and vague, they lack a specific

time frame and intention to perform. Words such as soon or

sometime imply meaning while promising nothing. Overused and

automatic, these statements elicit distrust and are met with an

unspoken response of, "Yeah, sure, I'll believe it when I see it."

At the end of a discussion, you may not want to commit to a

future conversation or meeting. In this case, use phrases such as "I

appreciate our time together" or "Thank you for your input." This

way you can provide closure without introducing an empty promise

you have no intention of fulfilling.

216 Say It Right the First Time

In the arena of commitments, there are no compromises. You either

commit or not. As a leader, your words must consistently reflect what

you truly mean. If you want language to work for you and inspire positive

action, make commitments and promises carefully. People need to

trust what you say and know your word is your bond. They listen to

your promises, watch your actions, and then conclude if they can trust

you. When your commitments are inconsistent with your behavior,

people discount what you say. In the hallways, employees will comment,

"Big deal-she said it would be done but her words don't mean

anything." This is a reputation you do not want. When you lose the

power of words, you lose the power to influence and engage people.

X

Commit Only When You Intend to Deliver

Speaking Accountably

• "It's important for us to meet regularly. I will set up a weekly

meeting."

• "I'll call you no later than Friday."

• "Let's have lunch to discuss the actions we need to take. I will

call you this week to schedule a date."

• "I will follow up with you before our next quarterly meeting."

• "Let's talk every other week to update each other."

Why it works: In these examples, the phrase "I will" means "I

promise." Also, a specific time frame is provided, which

Commitments with Integrity 217

strengthens the commitment and makes it more believable.

However, a promise is only real when it turns into action.

An organization is the expression of a leader's commitment. If the

leader vacillates on making commitments or fails to deliver, people

lose faith and the organization loses momentum. A commitment represents

the gateway to a new future. Being disciplined about the agreements

you make is far better than being known as a leader who does

not keep his or her word.

X

Committing with Integrity

The Rules

1. Only make commitments and promises you plan to keep.

2. Replace "I'll try" with "I will" or do not commit.

3. Speak your commitments publicly. Take a stand.

4. Recommit when adversity strikes. Remain steadfast in your

resolve.

5. Make it real. Specify when, where, who, what, and how.

In a leadership position, your word must be your bond. All you

have is your word. Once people stop believing you, tremendous

power and influence are lost. Back up your commitments with consistent,

positive action.

Finally, a note of caution: There are times when the smart thing

to do is break a commitment. Perhaps you have received more infor-

218 Say It Right the First Time

mation or there has been a change in direction that necessitates reexamining

a situation. At times such as these, it is appropriate and wise

to responsibly break or alter an agreement. The best way to do this is

in advance of the deadline. If you have a report that is due on Friday

and you know you are not going to make it, advise all parties involved

on Monday. Announcing a change in commitment or breaking a

commitment after deliverables are due is not accountable. There may

be extenuating circumstances, but this should be an exception. You

must also be responsible for your impact on others. If you alter an

agreement, check and see how this impacts other parties. Always

check the relationship and make sure it is intact when you break a

commitment.

Taking a Leap of Faith

Be bold when it comes to commitments. Reach for what may appear

to be impossible. Will Rogers once said, "Why not go out on a limb,

that's where all the fruit is." Commitments give you access to the fruit

by driving actions. The larger the pledge, the greater the possibility

for results. Bold commitments involve risk because your reputation

is at stake. When you introduce a new change initiative, for instance,

and make promises about intended results, your word is on the line.

Nothing happens without taking a leap of faith. A commitment of

any magnitude requires you to face the unknown. You must be willing

to be comfortable even when you don't have all the answers. This

is common in any major undertaking. Visionary leaders must be prepared

to step into unfamiliar territory.

The beginning of anything always depends on the willingness of

one person to believe in something others cannot see. For something

Commitments with Integrity 219

to come into existence, it must be expressed in language. We create

the future with words and build a picture with commitment. At times

it requires that leaders be unreasonable and take a leap of faith.

Many reasonable managers and leaders are sensible, levelheaded,

and boring. They do not inspire people. They focus on incremental

steps of improvement. This works as a day-to-day tactic, but as an overall

leadership strategy it misses the mark. People want to be inspired.

Incremental steps and uninspiring language do not cause people to

reach higher. Instead, it reinforces standing in the same place. At best

the status quo is improved, but no change of any scale occurs.

X

The Language of Incremental Steps

Speaking That Derails

Small Steps:

• Improve • Enhance

• Increase • Develop

• Recover • Expand

• Advance • A cut above

• Better • One step at a time

Weak Personal Commitment:

• I believe • I suppose

• I think • I assume

220 Say It Right the First Time

• It's possible • I guess

• I consider • I imagine

Why it doesn't work: Incremental language is useful for explaining

and describing. It is not useful for inspiring and motivating.

This type of language for improving and getting better provides

people with direction but seldom lets loose the creative and

boundless energy of people. If you use language that asks for

incremental improvement, incremental improvement is what

you will get. In addition, weak personal commitments support

small steps. They send a message about "low-risk" and "caution."

Bold commitments require big leaps and the use of words that

match. Taking a leap of faith and speaking in quantum rather than

incremental language gives leaders a superior tool for mobilizing small

and large groups of people.

X

The Big Leaps of Quantum Language

Speaking Accountably

Big Leaps:

• Dramatically change . . .

• Significantly alter . . .

• Create unprecedented . . .

• Surpass all others . . .

Commitments with Integrity 221

• Lead the market . . .

• No. 1 in . . .

• The courage to be different and . . .

• Reaching higher

• Raising the bar

• Upping the ante

• Going far beyond . . .

• Achieve greatness . . .

• Produce extraordinary results . . .

Powerful Personal Commitment:

• We will.

• This will happen.

• My resolve is steadfast and unwavering.

• We will win.

• We will succeed.

• There is no doubt in my mind.

Why it works: The conviction and resolve of a leader significantly

impacts others. Especially when people are in a "wait and

see" mode, leaders need to create a compelling future that

engages everyone. It is the passion, determination, and confidence

of the leader that lights the path for others. Language that

222 Say It Right the First Time

represents a big leap causes people to take notice and stretch

themselves personally.

Using bold commitments tackles issues that appear to be improbable

or impossible. When you contrast the same commitment spoken

in weak language, it is amazing to note the difference words make

in generating a new reality. Leaders can speak the future into existence

by appropriately making commitments with courage.

X

Bold Commitments That Inspire Others

Speaking Accountably

• Weak: "It is important for us to improve and do better as an

organization. I would like to explore how we can accomplish

this."

Bold: "Nothing is accomplished alone. It is only in partnership

that we accomplish extraordinary things. Together we

will create an organization that is unstoppable."

• Weak: "I am hopeful we can increase our performance levels

by working together and developing a plan to improve our

bottom line."

Bold: "How we choose to play the game determines our

chances for success. The question is-are we willing to dare

greatly and create an environment that challenges each of us

to perform at our highest levels? I can't do it alone. But

together we will make this happen."

Commitments with Integrity 223

• Weak: "I think it's possible for us to increase our visibility in

our industry. My thoughts are to reexamine how we do business."

Bold: "We have only one priority in front of us-to increase

our visibility. Together we will change the direction and shape

of our company. We will be the best in our industry and the

envy of others."

• Weak: "I'm not sure how to proceed. Let's brainstorm and see

what we may be able to accomplish."

Bold: "I don't have all the answers. I cannot tell you exactly

how we will surpass our objectives. I do not know what we

will encounter. But I do know this-we will succeed and be

No. 1 in . . ."

Why it works: The leader takes an unmistakable stand and

makes a clear commitment to the future. There is no hedging,

wiggle room, or implied retreat. The strong "We will make it

happen" message mobilizes and inspires people to reach higher

and raise the bar on performance.

Committing to the Personal Success of Others

One of the most powerful leadership skills you can acquire is expressing

your commitment to the success of others. Committing to the

success of an individual is a personal promise that focuses on career

path and aspirations. People need to know you are personally committed

to them. Saying it once, or implying it, is not sufficient. Especially

during times of major change and uncertainty, people need to

224 Say It Right the First Time

know you support them and have their best interests at heart. Look

for opportunities to express your commitment to their success both

privately and in groups.

When you commit to the success of others, you are letting them

know you will support them in all ways. Your language is critical and

needs to paint a visual picture of all of you standing side by side facing

challenges together.

X

"We're in This Together" Language

Speaking Accountably

• "You can count on me . . ."

• "I am committed to your success . . ."

• "I want you to know that I will work with you to . . ."

• "I will stand beside you . . ."

• "Together we will . . ."

• "I will partner with you to make this happen."

• "No matter what happens, you can count on my support."

• "You are not alone. I consider this to be 'our' challenge."

• "I'm your partner in this. Together we will . . ."

• "I support you 100 percent and I will let others know where

I stand."

Commitments with Integrity 225

Why it works: If you want people to take risks, stretch, and make

bold commitments, they need to know you are standing beside

them. People are inspired by phrases that communicate they are

not alone in facing the unknown. They need to know you are

their partner.

Verbally expressing your commitment to the success of others

inspires positive action. When people know, without a doubt, that

they have your support and partnership, unprecedented results can

be produced. But you must say it out loud. Thinking and implying

that you are committed to the success of others is not good enough.

Tell people you are committed to their success and be specific so they

know what you envision for their future.

X

Committing to the Success of Others

Speaking Accountably

Subordinate: "I would like to head up the new initiative but

I don't know if I'm ready for this. I don't have any experience

leading groups."

You: "I hear your concerns. I want you to know I don't have

any concerns about your ability. I know you can do it well."

Subordinate: "But I'm not sure I can get everyone's support.

There is a lot of resistance to my taking charge especially since

others senior to me want this position."

226 Say It Right the First Time

You: "That's true. Here's what you can count on me to do. I

will work with you to break down the resistance and effectively

position you with the other business units."

Subordinate: "And what if I encounter major challenges?"

You: "I will stand right beside you. Together we'll make this

work. I am committed to your development and I will provide

you with whatever opportunities are important for your

growth."

Why it works: The above dialogue reaffirms your belief in the

individual by explicitly committing to his or her growth and

development. Verbally articulating your commitment to the success

of others inspires positive action. People need reaffirmation

that you are committed to their personal success regardless of

your aspirations.

Look for opportunities to express your commitment to the success

of others. You cannot say it enough. Don't wait for an organizational

change or responsibilities to shift before you let people know

you are committed to their success. People need to know you are

behind them every step of the way. Let them know you are personally

committed to them and demonstrate it in your behaviors.

Inspiring Commitment in Others

Most people prefer a supportive boss who is demanding instead of

one who accommodates and excuses less-than-stellar performance.

People want to grow, stretch, and contribute to something meaning-

Commitments with Integrity 227

ful and compelling. Being unreasonable in demanding the best from

people raises the bar. When you are too reasonable you excuse,

explain, and rationalize mediocre performance. Or you may settle for

good performance when it could be great performance. Being

demanding is part of being a leader. Your job is to up the ante and

stretch and inspire people to reach higher.

Commitments are a powerful tool. They can move people to new

levels of performance beyond what they thought possible. A sense of

ownership, along with definite time frames, spurs high levels of performance.

Many people avoid making commitments or they make vague

promises. Your job is to make sure people declare and perform against

powerful, explicit, and authentic commitments. Commitments establish

precise expectations. Some people will be uncomfortable when you

press them on their commitments. Tension rises when specific expectations

are nailed down. When terms and conditions are clear, it is much

easier to hold people accountable and spot breakdowns and problems.

Use the following guidelines to ensure that an authentic and complete

commitment is being made. You can use these questions for

both yourself and others. The guidelines serve as a reality check to

make sure all elements of the commitment are present.

X

Perform a Reality Check on Commitments

Determine If the Commitment Is Authentic:

1. Is this a promise or agreement you are willing to keep?

2. Is this commitment consistent with your priorities (at work

and home) and with your values?

228 Say It Right the First Time

3. Are you willing to publicly declare your commitment (for

example, in a meeting, with coworkers, and so forth)?

Determine If All Elements Are Present:

1. What are the specific parameters of your commitment? When

will it be completed? How will you accomplish this? Who will

be involved? What is needed? Where will this take place?

2. How will you measure your success?

3. Who are your partners in supporting you on this commitment?

If you accept an incomplete commitment, you are accountable

for the lack of results. It is your job to make sure commitments are

complete, well-structured, and translated into deliverables by tying

down timing and implementation. Expecting a partial or incomplete

commitment to be fulfilled will lead to disappointment.

By managing commitments, you manage results.

By managing commitments, you manage results and bring out

the best in people. Managers and leaders who are committed to bringing

out the best in people and giving the best of themselves inspire

high levels of performance. Although commitment does not guarantee

results, results do not happen without it. Most people have a need

to do their best; the rest depends on environment and their relationship

with those who directly impact their career, especially their boss.

People give what they are inspired to give. This is your job as a

leader-to inspire positive action in people.

Commitments with Integrity 229

Eliminating Wiggle Room

All too often, people build wiggle room into commitments and agreements.

This is defined as "an incomplete communication in which

there is room for multiple interpretations." People who refuse to take

a stand, and have an escape or exit strategy for everything, want optimal

flexibility. They look for options, exit strategies, and maneuverability

so they cannot be held accountable. However, most people

produce best when there are clear-cut boundaries, limits, and direction.

When managers eliminate wiggle room, people are focused on

the defined playing field.

Eliminating wiggle room reduces explaining and rationalizing the

lack of performance. Those who waver stay far away from committed

language. Their motto is "could have, would have, and should

have"-three phrases that excuse and rationalize anything.

X

"Could Have,Would Have, Should Have"

Speaking That Derails

• "I tried."

• "If only . . ."

• "If not for . . ."

• "I wish I could have . . ."

• "I had hoped . . ."

• "I would have, but . . ."

230 Say It Right the First Time

• "If the circumstances had been different."

Why it doesn't work: The above phrases are used after something

has failed, did not work, or when promised results are not delivered.

They are used to rationalize and excuse the behavior.

Accountability is not expressed, only reasons or excuses.

To eliminate wiggle room, you must hold people accountable for

their commitments, promises, and agreements. Without this accountability,

things can easily go off-track. When you hear someone using

reasons or excuses, challenge them. By removing escape hatches, you

hold people accountable not only for performance expectations, but

for their own greatness. Powerful leaders demand excellence and get

rid of wiggle room by getting down to the business of execution and

implementation. Commitments start the process for producing outstanding

results-holding people accountable completes it.

X

Excusing Failure

Speaking That Derails

Direct Report: "Here are the quarterly results. We didn't do

as well as I hoped but then we did have some difficult challenges."

You: "Yes, that's unfortunate. We really needed those results. But

who could have guessed that we would run into such a competitive

situation?"

Commitments with Integrity 231

Why it doesn't work: The direct report is not held accountable.

In fact, you affirm his or her reasons. If you believe there are

valid reasons for nonperformance, this is acceptable. Of course

it's just easier for you to let the person slide rather than confronting

the real performance issue, but you have not held the

individual accountable.

Holding people accountable raises the bar on performance. It

reinforces the leadership message "We will make things happen

despite adversity." People should know they will be held accountable

in partnership to perform at their highest level.

X

Holding People Accountable

for High Performance

Speaking That Derails

Direct Report: "Here are the quarterly results. We didn't do

as well as I hoped but then we did have some difficult challenges

(wiggle room)."

You: "I'd like to talk to you about this. You and I spent considerable

time defining expectations, and these numbers are far

below our target."

Direct Report: "Well, yeah, but we didn't know what was

going to happen with our competitors (more wiggle room)."

You: "We rarely know what the competition is going to do.

What's different this time?"

232 Say It Right the First Time

Direct Report: "We had no idea they were going to make such

a major market change (trying to solidify wiggle room)."

You: "Two years ago we faced the same challenge. What I am

saying to you is that the numbers are not acceptable, even given

the competitive situation. I want to discuss what happened and

how we can address it on a short-term and long-term basis. I

will work side by side with you to turn this situation around."

Direct Report: (sigh-no wiggle room left)

Why it works: When you are straightforward and refuse to

accept excuses and reasons for less-than-acceptable performance,

people respond favorably. Holding people accountable is not

punitive; it is demanding and rigorous because you must eliminate

wiggle room and escape hatches. It is also important to

remain committed to the success of people if you want them to

walk away with the necessary internal resources to correct the

situation.

What happens when people refuse to be nailed down and no matter

how hard you try the wiggle room is still there? Refusing to fully

commit is a form of resistance. It shows up when a manager is unable

to tie the person down to specifics such as the deadline for completion.

That's why removing wiggle room is so important. When you

are successful in tying a person down to specifics, you have a much

better chance for success. When you are unsuccessful, it tells you that

there are other issues you must deal with first before you can obtain

a full commitment.

Commitments with Integrity 233

X

What People Are Resisting

When They Won't Commit

1. Commitments in general. The person does not want to be

held accountable for commitments, execution, and deliverables.

He or she avoids committing to almost everything

whenever possible or may have a fear of failure or the repercussions

from failure. He or she may be more willing to accept

the consequences for not committing, rather than accepting

accountability. This is a performance issue in any culture

where accountability is vital. Forget the commitment and deal

with the performance issue. Until it is resolved, you will be

unable to count on the individual fulfilling the commitment

even if he or she complies.

2. This commitment in specific. Something is bothering the

person about this commitment. Maybe it is the project itself

to which he or she objects. Or perhaps the timing, or other

people involved, or the demands on travel or time away from

home. Do not make assumptions about what is bothering the

individual. Instead, ask, "What specifically about this commitment

and/or project concerns you?" If he or she is nonresponsive

you can lead with examples by saying, "Is it the

deadline for the project, or the fact that you would be reporting

to 'X,' or . . . ?" When you list a series of concerns, the

individual will need to confirm or deny them. By process of

elimination you will close in on the real issue.

234 Say It Right the First Time

3. How you are handling the process. Perhaps you are a little too

zealous in tackling wiggle room and the person feels attacked.

It may simply take an adjustment in how you are saying something

to dissolve the resistance. If altering how you are communicating

does not change anything and the individual

continues to resist, this often points to a larger relationship

issue where he or she feels unsupported, unappreciated, and/or

undervalued. When this is the case you will need to stop the

discussion under way and refocus on the relationship. Ask,

"Have I left you feeling unsupported and unappreciated?"

4. More stress and pressure in an already overcommitted workload.

The people asked to do the majority of the work are

those who produce results and hence are frequently overcommitted.

High achievers will do everything possible to

deliver on commitments, including not dealing with their

health, family, and other priority personal concerns. Sometimes

the most responsible act is to decline a commitment if

it compromises your ability to take care of your own wellbeing.

As a leader, be sensitive and look for people who are

already overcommitted. Often these are the people you rely

on most. Because they are unable to set limits for themselves,

you will need to establish boundaries by working with them

to ensure they are not overcommitted.

This type of resistance is subtle. Often the person accepts

the commitment and starts showing signs of stress only when

you attempt to nail down deadlines. Even then, these good

performers may just take a deep breath and plunge in. You

must be accountable for making sure the individual does not

have too much on his or her plate. The best thing to do when

Commitments with Integrity 235

this happens is to withdraw the commitment and revisit it at

another time.

There are three kinds of people in the world: those who watch

things happen, those who ask what happened, and those who make

things happen. These distinctions describe the level at which people

participate in life-both in the workplace and at home. The greatest

benefits come from the highest level of participation. As a leader,

demand and give the highest level.

The most fundamental daily choice

that must be made is:

Am I going to "wait and see" what happens?

Am I going to make things happen?

Discipline yourself to do three things at all times: (1) Only make commitments

and promises you plan to keep, (2) tie down every commitment

with a specific time frame, and (3) behave consistently with your

words and, when necessary, responsibly break or renegotiate a commitment.

Words have tremendous power, but you can throw all of it away

in a moment by behaving inconsistently with your commitments. Your

words and commitments require discipline to make things happen.

Key Communication Principles

Principle 1: Only make commitments you plan to keep.

Think Twice. Notice how often you make commitments such as "I'll

call you tomorrow," or, "I'll send you a copy of this." Do you keep

236 Say It Right the First Time

both small and large commitments? You may not think of a remark

such as, "I'll call you tomorrow" as a promise, but it is. The question

is do you treat all promises and agreements with the same level of

rigor and discipline to fulfill them?

Action. Listen for the commitments and promises you make during

the next several days. Write them down so you can track them.

Observe whether you keep both small and large promises. If 10 people

in your life were interviewed about whether you keep your word,

how would they respond? Would they say you have a high level of

integrity?

Principle 2: Refuse to be seduced

by "try" and its friends.

Think Twice. "I'll try," "I'll do my best," and, "I'll take a crack at it"

come from the same family of powerless language. These phrases

imply an attempt to do something, not a commitment or result. The

word try and its friends are used in lieu of a real commitment and

remove accountability. The fallback position when an effort is ineffective

is "I said I'd try and I did. It just didn't work out." Imagine if

marriage vows were changed from "I do" to "I'll try." Life would

become even more complicated.

Action. Listen to how often you hear the word try in your language

and when others speak. Count the total number of times the word

try crops up in one day. If you use "try" more than three times in a

day, go to work on replacing it with "I will" or silence. No commitment

is better than a false one.

Commitments with Integrity 237

Principle 3: Authentic commitments have

time frames and answer the question,"by when."

Think Twice. It is not a real commitment without tying it down in

time. "When will this be accomplished," or, "By when will this be

completed," are questions that must be answered to make the promise

real. You cannot hold people accountable without a full and complete

commitment from them.

Action. Ask others to tie down promises and agreements with a specific

time. Practice doing this with your commitments. If you notice yourself

wiggling on a time frame, you probably are not ready to commit.

238 Say It Right the First Time

9

Holding People

Accountable

How to Demand the "Best in

Performance" and Get It

239

Your Purpose

To get the best from yourself and others by creating a culture of

accountability.

The price of greatness is responsibility.

Winston Churchill

There is a classic story about a pilgrim who discovers that meaning

and purpose transform how people view their jobs. This narrative has

been told many times, but there is a reason for repetition-to capture

the positive lesson over and over again until it becomes an integral

part of who we are and how we behave. In the story, the pilgrim

Copyright 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Click Here for Terms of Use.

is walking through a medieval village in Europe when he comes upon

a man at work and asks, "What are you doing?" The man replies without

looking up, "I'm chipping stone." The pilgrim walks a little farther

and comes upon a second man who is doing the same job and

again asks, "What are you doing?" The man looks up briefly at the

pilgrim and says, "I'm carving a column." The pilgrim walks farther

still and comes upon a third man, doing the same job, and asks,

"What is it you are doing?" The third man smiles broadly, throws his

arms out and says, "I, sir, am building a cathedral."

Demanding excellence brings out greatness in people and transforms

a job into a mission. As the pilgrim story illustrates, it is not

what people do that matters; it's how they relate to what they are

doing. When people have support, positive coaching, and leaders who

hold them accountable for their best, no job or task is too small or

insignificant. The ability to learn, grow, and contribute to a shared

vision allows people to thrive and excel. Everyone works together

toward the singular purpose of building a cathedral.

Instead of chipping stone and just getting the job done, people

want to be fired up and inspired. A consistent theme throughout this

book is the inner need people have to do their best and for leaders to

create the environment and relationships necessary to make this possible.

Straight talk and committing with integrity are two critical leadership

skills, but there is one more that leads to exceptional

leadership-the willingness and ability to hold people accountable.

After all, the ultimate measure of success in organizations is effective

execution and implementation. Commitments mean nothing unless

people are held responsible for deadlines and execution. And straight

talk is pointless without demanding and getting results.

240 Say It Right the First Time

When you hear the phrase "holding people accountable," do you

think of punitive and corrective action? If you do, you're not alone.

Outdated and traditional models reinforce this belief and contribute

to the failure of leaders and organizations to effectively hold people

accountable. Leaders fear they will damage relationships, lose support,

or derail people by demanding accountability. They opt for the

safer path of being reasonable, which means less direct and demanding.

As a result, the gap between expectations and performance is

inconsistently addressed. It's not that leaders lack commitment; they

lack a way to hold people accountable without derailing relationships.

Leaders who "walk their talk" and consistently model the behaviors

they want from others get the best results. Today, leaders need to

leave "reasonable" behind and push beyond perceived limits. They

must be unwilling to accept anything less than stellar performance

from themselves and others. This chapter focuses on how to build a

culture of accountability where people hold each other accountable

for the best in performance.

Committed Partnerships Lead

to Shorthand Communication

Throughout the book you have learned what it means to be accountable

for how your words impact people. What you say and how you

say it have a powerful impact on how people perform. Your words

make the difference between inspiring and derailing others. Powerful

communication skills such as softening a message, disarming anger,

and turning complaints into commitments are essential for resolving

difficult conversations and providing positive direction. Using these

Holding People Accountable 241

skills on a daily basis produces dramatic improvement in your ability

to inspire others and get the results you want.

But there is another bold step for courageous leaders who want

to reach for the highest rung on the ladder of success. By understanding

and mastering the key communication principles at the end

of each chapter, leaders can raise their sights from accountable communication

to building a culture of accountability. It's hard to find

leaders and organizations that do more than talk about culture. Many

aspire and give lip service to this lofty vision, but few do what it takes

to instill a climate where people consistently behave as owners, commit

with integrity, and produce extraordinary results.

To access performance that goes beyond the ordinary, leaders

must engage people at both the intellectual and emotional level. It is

not enough to provide strategic business goals and traditional measures

of profitability as motivating factors. Capturing the hearts and

minds of people requires a higher cause that links an individual's personal

sense of purpose to the purpose of the organization. This is true

now more than ever. Organizations and leaders can no longer promise

job security for life. The business landscape has changed, and leaders

must change with it. A new committed partnership must emerge

between employees on one hand and leaders and the organization on

the other. People will commit when leaders link corporate purpose

with a personal sense of purpose by (1) increasing the individual's marketability,

value, and worth; (2) creating an environment where people

feel inspired to come to work; (3) building a culture of

accountability that makes your organization the envy of others and

attracts talented people; and (4) contributing to a balanced life that

allows work, family, and personal freedom to happily coexist and

thrive.

242 Say It Right the First Time

A culture of accountability inspires people at the highest levels by

challenging them to transform how they collaborate and work with

others to produce unprecedented results. But it doesn't stop there.

The daily practice of 100% accountability may start in the workplace,

but it weaves into the fabric of people's lives altering who they are and

how they behave at the most fundamental level. Their values are reinforced

and shaped as they learn to replace casual promises with

authentic commitments, talk straight responsibly, and hold themselves

and others accountable. People become stronger, more self-confident,

and develop the ability to make things happen against all odds.

Isn't this what you want for yourself? Don't you want to have the

ability to be powerful and to make a difference in every area of your

own life? You can have it all, and so can the people who work for you.

A culture of accountability inspires people by providing the behavioral

framework for how people are expected to work together. The

shift takes place in moving from traditional partnerships to committed

partnerships. Agreements are made among people at all levels that

allow them to feel safe, supported, and encouraged by one another.

In addition to building a culture of accountability, committed partnerships

have a shorthand communication all their own. When people

know that their leaders and coworkers are committed to their

success, they are able to swiftly and accountably deal with issues. Hot

buttons are seldom pushed and when they are, people recover quickly.

Softening a message is not necessary since people respond best to

straight talk. Making false assumptions is replaced with trusting a person's

commitment. Speed and flexibility are the hallmarks of committed

partnerships. People talk in shorthand communication to cut

right to the heart of an issue. Committed partnerships provide the

foundation for holding people accountable. Without this, no matter

Holding People Accountable 243

how you say it, the direct nature of holding people responsible is often

interpreted as punitive and punishing.

If you choose to build a culture of accountability, you must create

committed partnerships with the people who report to you, your

peers, and senior management. You cannot do this by mandate. It

requires meeting and talking with people to clear up anything from

the past that is in the way of a committed partnership. Take accountability

for your actions, even if they took place a significant time ago,

and commit to a new partnership. The eight essential agreements are

powerful promises between two or more people. Use them for your

discussions, first as checkpoints to discover what is missing in the

partnership, then as promises to each other to create safety and trust.

X

The Eight Essential Agreements

of a Committed Partnership

1. We are committed to the success of each other.

2. We hold one another accountable for the best in performance.

3. We talk straight responsibly.

4. We deliver on our commitments and/or responsibly alter

them when necessary.

5. We agree that all information and comments shared are confidential

and remain between us.

6. If something is unresolved, we continue the dialogue until

there is a mutually acceptable resolution.

244 Say It Right the First Time

7. We recover quickly and learn from our mistakes and breakdowns.

8. Strengthening our partnerships is a primary goal in everything

we do.

The best way to demand outstanding results and get them is to

create a culture of accountability where people can use shorthand

communication to swiftly achieve goals. Holding people accountable

is a form of shorthand communication. Committed partners expect

each other to fulfill promises, keep agreements, and be the best they

can be. Everyone acts as an informal leader, raising standards and

expectations and demanding full execution from themselves and others.

Employees manage up and hold their bosses and senior management

accountable for delivering on their commitments. Senior

management holds leaders throughout the organization accountable

for the same thing. Coworkers collaborate and hold one another

accountable for working effectively together. The flow upward, downward,

and horizontally reinforces a culture of accountability where

everyone speaks up, leads, and holds others accountable.

Committed partnerships give you access to shorthand communication.

Holding yourself and others accountable provides the "how

to" skills for swift correction and getting the best in performance.

Supporting Senior Management

You are the parent, the role model, and the mentor. It all starts with

you. All eyes are watching your every move and listening to every

word. When you talk about the importance of collaboration, others

Holding People Accountable 245

watch to see how you engage in partnership. When you speak of

accountability, they watch to see if your behavior is consistent with

your words. You cannot escape the magnifying glass. When you raise

expectations for others, you raise them for yourself.

There are two levels in demanding excellence. Leaders must hold

themselves accountable and hold others accountable. The key to effectively

managing the gap between commitments and execution is you.

If you do not model what you expect, you will not produce long-term

behavioral change in others. At best your hypocrisy will annoy people

when you insist they do things you are unwilling to do.

A critical area in which you are highly visible is how you support

senior management. It is easy to fall prey to "we/they" thinking and

put senior management, the CEO, or others into the enemy camp.

It becomes particularly obvious when major change efforts or new

initiatives are introduced. This is where you must hold yourself

accountable for collaboration, alignment, and talking straight responsibly.

New change efforts that you were not a part of, did not invent,

and were not asked to contribute to will test your resolve to walk your

talk. How you speak and behave reveals your level of commitment,

accountability, and ownership. You cannot create a culture of accountability

while building your own empire or withholding your support

of companywide initiatives.

People listen carefully to what you do and do not say to assess

where you stand with regard to new efforts or changes in the organization.

Whether you are a member of the senior leadership team, a

mid-level manager, or an informal leader, how you publicly support

commitments is critical to your career and leadership advancement.

Let's take a closer look at how your behavior demonstrates your

support, or lack of it, of senior management or other parts of the

246 Say It Right the First Time

organization. When leaders are not aligned, it shows up in the following

behaviors:

• Silence. Not talking about the initiative. Silence is a lack of

action that sends a strong message of nonsupport.

• Speaking unfavorably or complaining. Lack of support and

alignment includes unfavorable comments about the initiative

and/or people who are heading it up. This includes subtle

but deadly remarks such as, "It's not a bad idea, however,

. . ." or, "It would have been all right two years ago . . ." Indirect

comments attack people and change efforts in a way that

send the message, "I don't buy this."

• Being brief, curt, or abrupt. People read opposition in the

behavior of a manager who avoids or curtails discussion on

an important initiative. Being abrupt or cutting others off

when they talk about a new program or undertaking sends

the message that it is not important to you.

• Faking it. This is an attempt to be politically correct and

comply with expectations of others. No matter how good

you are at acting, people generally know when someone is

faking it. They can tell instinctively when someone is not

telling the truth. Your career and credibility depend on your

authenticity, not your acting ability.

Having a different point of view is normal and expected among

hard-charging leaders. However, sitting on the sidelines when you do

not agree with an initiative is not acceptable in a culture of accountability.

When you are not aligned, action needs to be taken so you can

Holding People Accountable 247

talk to the appropriate person. You do not need to agree with his or her

choice, but you must align and support it. You will recall that alignment

means setting aside your personal preferences to embrace the

agreed-upon action of a larger group of people as if you were the author.

It is important to distinguish between agreeing and aligning. Agreeing

with someone or something means it matches your personal preferences.

It is easy to support an effort when it is your preference. The real

conflict comes when you are called upon to support an initiative with

which you do not agree. This is where you must determine exactly what

is in the way. There are four common roadblocks that get in the way

of managers and leaders aligning and supporting a new initiative.

1. You have insufficient information about purpose, expectations,

and accountabilities. You need a greater understanding

of how the new initiative fits into the overall scheme

of things. Determine what information you are missing and

then talk to the appropriate person(s). Do not wait. If the

head of the company or business unit has publicly committed

to a major effort, he or she expects your complete support.

It is a valid request, however, to obtain additional

information so you can be an owner in the process.

X

Critical Information Questions for New Initiatives

These key questions need to be answered in order to persuade

others to support and commit to major change efforts. If you

are the person initiating the effort, use these as a guide for communicating.

If you are being asked to support an effort, the

248 Say It Right the First Time

questions may point to areas of information deficit that need to

be addressed.

Company Purpose:

1. How does this initiative support our overall mission?

2. Is this initiative consistent with our strategic objectives?

Initiative Outcomes:

1. What are the "big-picture" outcomes and/or intended results?

2. What are the specific outcomes for various groups (for example,

staff group, business unit)?

Priorities with Competing Initiatives:

1. How will this new effort impact other initiatives?

2. What are the priorities?

Accountability for Leading Initiative:

1. Who is accountable for heading up this initiative?

2. Who else is accountable for specific aspects of this initiative?

3. What are the accountabilities of the senior leadership group?

Expectations of Managers and Leaders:

1. What are the expectations of managers leading this effort?

2. Are there different expectations and accountabilities for various

levels of leadership?

3. What's in it besides more work for managers and leaders?

Why should they be "fired up" about this new effort?

Holding People Accountable 249

Impact on People:

1. How will this effort impact employees?

2. Will this effort impact some people or groups more than others?

If so, how will this be addressed?

Communication:

1. How and when will this initiative be communicated? What

is the process? Who is accountable?

2. What role will managers and leaders have in communicating

to others?

2. You have insufficient information about the process. The

following process questions are important to people who

need details and a more precise understanding of how you

get from A to Z. In the launch phase of a new initiative, it

is legitimate for many process questions to remain unanswered.

However, a specific time period should be established

for providing answers. For example, a task force may

be assigned to design the implementation process and report

back within 30 days after announcing the new effort.

X

Critical Process Questions for New Initiatives

Implementation and Timing:

1. What is the process for implementation?

250 Say It Right the First Time

2. What are the stages?

3. What is the timing for each stage?

4. What is the estimated time for completion for the entire

process?

Benchmarking:

1. What other companies have engaged in a similar effort?

2. What success have they had? What challenges have they

encountered? How are we learning from their experiences?

Measuring Results:

1. How will results be measured?

2. What criteria will be established throughout the process to

make sure we are on track?

Sustaining Results:

1. How will results be sustained, institutionalized, and integrated

with other business practices?

2. How will we effectively transfer from the support of outside

consultants to self-sufficiency?

Costs, Expenses, and Budgets:

1. What are the associated costs and expenses?

2. Will these costs come out of individual budgets or a company

budget?

3. Will additional resources (for example, people and/or money)

be provided?

Holding People Accountable 251

3. You think there is a better way. You are aligned with the

desired outcomes and results, but believe there is a better

method. Depending on the stage of the process, your input

may or may not be useful. If it is early enough to make

changes in the process, immediately talk to the appropriate

person and provide your input. If you discover it is too late

for the type of change you are suggesting or you do not

receive a favorable response, just say, "Thank you for listening."

There is nothing worse than a manager or leader

who presents a recommendation and then acts out when it

is rejected.

4. You strongly disagree with the initiative. The question

that must be answered is "Do you philosophically, morally,

and/or ethically disagree with the initiative?" Do you think

it violates your values in some way? Think carefully about

your response. If your answer is "yes," talk to the appropriate

person and express your concern. Often what looks like

a conflict in values is a lack of understanding and communication

about the positive intentions for a new effort. Your

concerns may completely dissolve once you have a better

understanding of the commitment and intention behind the

initiative.

On the other hand, if you have talked to the appropriate

person(s) and obtained sufficient information, and find there

is a conflict of values, you have a decision to make. Values

are a deal breaker when it comes to alignment and support.

If there is a real conflict between what you believe and what

the company is doing, it may be appropriate for you to leave.

Faking support and alignment or trying to comply and go

252 Say It Right the First Time

along with something that violates your values does not

work. It doesn't work for you, and it doesn't work for the

company. Others will see right through your façade, and you

will be unhappy. This is a last resort and should only be taken

if you have exhausted every option to gather information,

have a dialogue, and express your concerns.

When you are not fully aligned but still can support the overall

objective, have a conversation with the right person. A meaningful

dialogue that provides more information will, in all probability, clear

up your concerns.

X

When You Are Not Aligned

and Support the Outcome

Speaking Accountably

You: "After you announced the new initiative, I had several

questions. Is now a good time?"

Your Boss: "Absolutely. What are your questions?"

You: "Before I ask them, I want you to know I support your

ideas on building a high-performance organization. We must do

this to get to where we want to go."

Your Boss: "That's good to hear. I'm counting on your support."

You: "I know you are and you'll have it. That's why I wanted to

speak to you. I want to support you 100 percent on this effort.

To do this I need to have a better understanding about . . ."

Holding People Accountable 253

Why it works: You start with your commitment to the overall

objective: building a high-performance organization. This establishes

a positive bond of mutual purpose and direction. You both

start the conversation knowing you share the same outcome.

When you start with concerns or issues, it can lead to a misunderstanding

or a debate.

When you have more serious concerns, you may not be able to

start by expressing your support of a new initiative. However, you can

start by stating your commitment to finding a way to align and support

the effort.

X

When You Are Not Aligned and

Do Not Support the Outcome

Speaking Accountably

You: "After you announced the new initiative, I thought about

it and I have concerns that are bothering me."

Your Boss: "Really? What are they?"

You: "Before I address them, I want to explain why I asked to

meet with you. I've heard things that, if they are accurate, will

keep me from supporting this effort. I'm here because I do not

want to operate with assumptions or third-hand information.

My outcome is to clear this up so I can fully support you with

this effort."

254 Say It Right the First Time

Your Boss: "I'm glad you came to talk with me. I need your

support."

You: "And I want to give it. Here are my concerns: . . ."

Why it works: You are authentic and straightforward in expressing

what is on your mind in an accountable manner. Although

you do not start with a commitment to the overall effort, you

have started with a commitment to find a way to align and support

it. This gives you and your boss a better chance for a positive

outcome in what could be a sensitive conversation.

A final message on holding yourself accountable for alignment:

Faking it is not an option. Managers and leaders are accountable for

supporting efforts they personally do not pioneer. If you happen to

agree with the initiative, publicly expressing your support is easy. If

you do not agree, it is your responsibility to take action and immediately

talk with the appropriate person(s). Expressing your concern

is necessary to resolve the issue. Alignment does not happen without

dialogue. When you make the need to align a personal mission, you

can find a way to align with almost every new effort. You just have to

be willing to work at it.

Holding yourself accountable is essential. If you demand 100%

accountability, collaboration, and responsible straight talk from others,

you need to practice it with everyone and in all circumstances.

You cannot alter the behavior of others without doing this. The most

difficult part of creating a culture of accountability is not inspiring

people, it is the requirement that leaders master what they ask of others.

People pay attention to the consistency between your words and

Holding People Accountable 255

behavior. Leave a gap, and they will treat your behavior as the real

message and throw out your words. People will do as you do.

Managing Up

In a culture of accountability, leaders give subordinates permission to

manage up and coach. In traditional organizational models, coaching

is a top-down practice where managers provide feedback, input,

and correction to those who report to them. Managing up is the

reverse process where confident and secure leaders create an open and

safe environment for people to speak up. People are encouraged to

coach their boss and others senior to them by providing responsible

straight talk, requests for action, and specific feedback on what is

needed from him or her as a leader. Coaching and holding others

accountable is viewed as everyone's job and is not limited to leaders.

When leaders allow others to contribute to them by coaching, it sends

a positive message to the organization. Others feel they can speak up

without fear of repercussions. People respond well to the open, supportive,

and encouraging environment that is created.

Managing up is an alien concept that organizations claim they

promote but in reality does not exist. Employees do not believe that

leaders want straightforward input and feedback. They have learned

to be politically correct and say what leaders want to hear. If you

are sincere about creating a culture of accountability, you must give

people explicit permission to coach you each time you talk.

Although it may sound repetitious and unnecessary to you, people

need to hear you say the words that give them freedom to contribute.

What would happen if you said, "I love you," to your spouse

the day you got married, but never said it again? Would this be a

256 Say It Right the First Time

problem? Just because you said it once does not mean you do not

need to say it again.

X

Invite People to Manage Up and Coach You

Speaking Accountably

• "What coaching do you have for me? What can I do better?

I need your feedback."

• "What advice do you have for me?"

• "What would you do in my position?"

• "Am I off base? What have I missed?"

• "What are the flaws in my thinking? Help me with this."

• "I don't have all the answers. I need your help on thinking

this through."

• "How can I provide you with better support? I'd like your

coaching."

• "Please give me your view about how I am doing on leading

our group/organization. Do I inspire or derail people? What

do I need to do differently?"

Why it works: When you actively seek coaching, people feel

acknowledged that you want their input. There are two things to

remember: (1) Give people permission to coach you frequently

by asking for their input, and (2) when you receive coaching, listen

carefully and thank them whether you agree or not.

Holding People Accountable 257

Permission statements are direct statements requesting feedback.

Do not assume the absence of input means people do not have feedback,

coaching, or opinions. It only means they do not feel safe in

expressing them. Invite others to provide their input and when they

do, listen carefully and always thank them. Sometimes you are moving

so fast that people think you don't have time to listen. At other

times you may appear to be decided or closed on an issue and people

feel their input is useless. Be accountable for your impact.

Inviting others to coach you is one thing, but how good are you

at managing up to your boss? Do you have a committed partnership

where you can safely and openly hold each other accountable? Do you

coach others senior to you? If you don't, what's missing in the relationship

that prevents you from managing up? Be courageous and have

a conversation with the individual about what you need and want from

the partnership. Nothing happens unless you make it happen. Relationships

take work, and business partnerships are no exception.

The easiest way to manage up is to (1) first ask for permission to

provide feedback and coaching and (2) align with the individual's

commitment before you coach or make a request.

X

When Your Request to Manage Up Is Declined

Speaking Accountably

You: "At our last staff meeting I had a couple of observations I

want to share with you. I see a way you can eliminate a lot of

resistance to our new initiative and make sure it gets successfully

off the ground. Do you want this input?"

258 Say It Right the First Time

Your Boss: "Yes, I do. I'm sick and tired of people resisting. But

right now I want to talk about the problem we're having with . . ."

Why it works: You started with something that is of major

importance to your boss-eliminating resistance to the new initiative.

Even though he or she is not ready to talk about this now,

you have piqued his or her interest. Move to the next step and

hold him or her accountable for a specific time when you can

provide coaching and feedback.

Don't let your boss off the hook. There must be a reason behind

the resistance. Try again to hold him or her accountable.

X

Getting Permission to Manage Up and Coach

Speaking Accountably

You: "We do need to handle this current situation fast. When

is a good time to have the conversation about what you can do

to eliminate resistance?"

Your Boss: "Sometime this week."

You: "How about tomorrow? I'll set up the meeting."

Your Boss: "Good, tomorrow will work. Now, let's take a look

at . . ."

Why it works: Managing up and holding those above you

accountable takes perseverance in obtaining permission and

Holding People Accountable 259

finding the right time to coach. What constitutes the "right

time" is when your boss or others are not preoccupied and can

really listen to what you have to say. By reinforcing what your

boss wants and speaking directly to his or her commitment,

which is to successfully launch a new initiative, you contribute

instead of complain or criticize.

You display your strength of character as a leader when you are

tenacious and rigorous in going after what you want, especially when

it comes to dealing with people above you. Most senior executives and

leaders will tell you they prefer strong managers and leaders who are

willing to talk straight and challenge them. Sure, these same executives

and leaders may react or go toe to toe with you, but this doesn't

mean they don't want to be challenged. It may only reveal their preferred

method for processing information, which is to debate out loud.

Many executives have the need to verbally spar in order to gain access

to a new way of thinking.

If you tend to avoid conflict and prefer harmonious discussions

to intense debates, you may need to broaden your comfort level and

skill base. By the time someone reaches the senior executive level, they

know how to engage in rigorous debate. Even if this is not their preferred

mode of communication, developing this skill has been necessary

for survival among others who use it. Verbal sparring allows many

people to access new ways of thinking, to push and be pushed back.

When you challenge others in a positive way, you help them think in

different categories. The most important thing to remember is that

you have something to contribute; you are not there to criticize or

260 Say It Right the First Time

complain. You are there to manage up and add value to your boss or

others senior to you. It is up to you to make sure your contribution

is heard.

X

Creating a Positive Framework to Manage Up

Speaking Accountably

You: "Thanks for making time to see me. As I mentioned

before, I had some observations from our last staff meeting

about how you can eliminate resistance to our new initiative.

Are you open to my input now?"

Your Boss: "Yes, I am. I'd like to hear your thoughts. I'm about

ready to dump a bunch of people and hire others who will get

with the program."

Why it works: You restated the commitment your boss has to

the new initiative. A positive framework has been established so

he is open to hearing what you have to say.

In the sample dialogue, the leader's boss is not ready to take

accountability for his impact. Instead he is pointing the finger at others.

Your job, as the leader, is to ensure that he takes accountability

for his impact so that the real issue can be resolved. Let him know

that he has power over his own behavior. He can't keep hiring new

people, but he can take a look at how his power is impacting others.

Holding People Accountable 261

X

Managing Up and Holding Others

Accountable for Their Impact

Speaking Accountably

You: "I would not be so fast to conclude that the difficulty is

with the managers. I believe they are committed to the new initiative."

Your Boss: "Committed? How can they be committed and do

nothing?"

You: "They are doing a lot. In fact, they are doing everything

they can with the direction they have."

Your Boss: "Are you saying they need more direction? How

many times do I have to repeat myself and say the same thing

over and over?"

You: "I know you are frustrated. But the answer is not changing

the members of your senior group. The key is for you to create

a cohesive team. Would you like to hear what I think you

can do to turn things around and get people on board?"

Your Boss: "Yes, of course, I want to get people on board. I'm

just frustrated. Tell me your thoughts."

You: "People do not feel safe to speak up and tell you what is

on their minds. Let's find a way to help them feel comfortable

with you."

262 Say It Right the First Time

Why it works: You have stayed right with the conversation and

not once have you deferred, waffled, or agreed with your boss

in order to get "out of the heat." Your boss is reacting and going

toe to toe with you. So what? Stay with the discussion and bring

your boss back to his or her commitment. No matter what people

react to, their commitment remains unwavering. When you

return to it, a solid foundation and base are provided as the backdrop

for the conversation.

Managing up is often uncomfortable, especially when you are in

the beginning stages of establishing a committed partnership. If you

can't manage up to your boss and others, your subordinates may question

your accountability. They will wonder why you expect them to

take risks and manage up to you when you are unwilling to do the

same. Model courageous and accountable leadership by being all you

can be as a leader. Trust yourself; push the envelope, and forge committed

partnerships with those above you. Actively coach and manage

up so you are viewed as a positive contributor and a strong leader

who is willing to speak up.

Circles of Trust

Now we're getting down to the crux of the matter. It all comes down

to trust. You must trust yourself enough to take risks and hold others

accountable. And you must trust others enough to get behind

them 100 percent and help them get back on track when they falter.

Trust is the basis for committed partnerships. You're not perfect and

neither are they, but the quality of relationship that exists in a committed

partnership allows people to take risks because they know they

Holding People Accountable 263

are not alone. In Chapter 8 we discussed how to express your commitment

to a person's success. Here we delve deeper to examine how

to trust others.

Let's start with some basic questions: Do you trust that people

have an inner need to grow, learn, and contribute? Do you trust people

to do their best, or do people have to demonstrate results before

you believe in them? These are fundamental questions you must

answer to discover how you inspire or derail people.

Think of trust as a series of concentric circles with the centermost

circle-the bull's-eye-being your inner circle of trust. Do people

start on the outside and have to earn your trust to get to the inner

circle? Or do you trust people and place them within your inner circle

without their having to earn a place? Many parents place their

children within the inner circle of trust without proof, validation, or

the need to meet specific criteria. They unconditionally believe in

their children and want them to succeed. Placing children in the center

circle of trust is not difficult.

In organizations, many leaders make people earn their place before

they trust them. This creates a catch-22. When people must earn your

support to become part of your inner circle, they lack the very thing

they need to excel-your belief in them. This creates a built-in failure

mechanism. People must prove themselves to you. Now they have two

battles to fight instead of one-handling daily business challenges and

earning your approval. Admittedly, there are some people who will rise

to the challenge of proving their worth and value. They thrive on overachieving

and disproving lackluster beliefs of others. However, the

majority of people need a leader who unconditionally believes in them.

When you support people from the beginning before they have earned

your trust, success is much more probable.

264 Say It Right the First Time

We can reduce this idea to two simple categories of leadership

expectations: (1) "Earn my trust" or (2) "You have my trust." There is a

world of difference between these two approaches. "Earn my trust"

sends a message that a person must win your approval. When a leader

has an earn-my-trust expectancy, it shows up in words and behavior.

Often the words sound positive but carry a subtle, conditional "if" message,

which questions if the person can really rise to your expectations.

X

"Earn My Trust" Message

Speaking That Derails

Message: "I'd like you to take on this assignment. See if you can

get people on board. I doubt whether you can get everyone, but

give it a shot."

Why it doesn't work: It sounds positive, but this statement carries

a subtle message that communicates, "I don't think you can

do this." The language is tentative such as, "See if you can . . ."

and "I doubt whether you can . . ." The leader is either resigned

about the assignment and/or has a lack of belief in what the individual

is capable of doing. There is no leadership expression of

support or belief in the person.

In Chapter 3, we talked about people giving you the gift of trust.

The opposite is also true-you must give others the gift of trust if

you want people to perform at the highest levels possible. You can set

Holding People Accountable 265

people up to succeed or fail. They will fulfill your expectations either

way. Communicate positive expectations by sending you-have-mytrust

messages. People do not want to disappoint you. They want you

to be proud of their efforts, and they want to be acknowledged as a

significant contributor in the larger mission.

X

"You Have My Trust" Message

Speaking Accountably

Message: "This assignment is perfect for you. Use your ability

to enroll people and get everyone on board. They won't be able

to resist your persuasiveness. I know you can do this."

Why it works: The manager clearly reinforces the ability of the

individual to succeed in the assignment. If the individual doubts

his or her own capability, the confidence and belief of the leader

will help him or her over this hurdle. Positive expectations and

"you have my trust" messages from leaders can move a person

from mediocre to outstanding performance.

When you believe in someone and you verbally articulate it, that

person's confidence and ability to perform soar. It also lets you provide

input, feedback, and coaching. People will hear your coaching

as positive when they know you trust them. When you make others

earn your trust, a small percentage of the population will rise to the

occasion and succeed. The majority will not. They will feel as if you

266 Say It Right the First Time

are waiting for them to fail, ready to pounce at the slightest indiscretion.

People who prefer working in organizations rather than working

on their own want an environment of support, trust, and

belonging. Your behavior and words set the tone and establish the climate

in which people will succeed or fail. It is the responsibility of

leaders to create a positive climate and give people the gift of trust to

ensure they succeed.

Five Steps for Holding Others Accountable

When you coach others, make sure you have their permission. You may

want to start a coaching conversation by saying, "Are you open to feedback?"

If they're not, you need to work on the relationship. If they are,

this gives them time to adjust to how to listen to the conversation.

Remember to listen for the unspoken answer when you ask for

permission to coach. Your question, "Are you open to feedback?" may

elicit a response such as, "Well, I guess so. What did I do wrong?"

The answer may sound like a "yes," but this person may not be ready

for positive coaching, or may need more reassurance first. When this

happens, do not provide coaching at the moment. Talk about your

partnership. It may be helpful to review the eight agreements of a

committed partnership to find out what is missing. To make it safe

for the person to speak up, you will need to take accountability. You

could say, "I must not be doing a good job in letting you know how

much I support you. There is obviously something I am not doing or

saying that is important to you. What's on your mind?" Reestablish

your committed partnership, then again ask for permission to coach.

Without a positive response, people are not ready to hear your feedback

and coaching and you will waste your time and theirs.

Holding People Accountable 267

To develop people and help them grow, you must unleash

untapped capabilities and build their confidence. This type of development

requires holding people accountable for what is possible and

for their commitments. Leaders must rigorously manage the gap

between promises and execution.

When you are disappointed, do you tend to blow up or clam up?

These are the two most common responses of leaders when breakdowns

occur. Neither produces positive action. The five-step model

provides a clear, step-by-step process for handling problems, breakdowns,

or specific performance issues. This is a model for shorthand

communication. It starts with the assumption that you have a committed

partnership and you can talk straight responsibly without preamble

or qualifiers. The model is a direct, no-nonsense approach to

handling a breakdown and recovering quickly. Implicit is the commitment

to the success of each other.

The five-step model can be used for broken promises and agreements,

missed deadlines, unacceptable performance, and miscommunication

for demanding the best from people. The model

establishes a partnership conversation with the emphasis on correcting

the situation, preventing it from recurring, and strengthening the

relationship.

X

The Five-Step Model for

Holding People Accountable

Step 1: Declare the Breakdown

• What is the problem: miscommunication or breakdown?

268 Say It Right the First Time

Step 2: Accept Accountability

• How did your behavior contribute to the breakdown?

• What did you do, or not do, that impacted the situation?

• How did the behavior of others contribute to the breakdown?

Step 3: Align on Immediate Corrections

• What needs to be done immediately?

• Who is accountable for making this happen?

• What other people need to be included and/or advised?

• How fast can this happen? What is the due date?

Step 4: Align on Long-Term Corrections

• What preventive measures need to be put in place?

• Who is accountable for making this happen?

• What other people need to be included and/or advised?

• By when will this happen?

Step 5: Build the Relationship

• What have we learned?

• What are we going to do differently?

• What positive impact will this have on our relationship?

Declaring the breakdown is the first step in the model. Unless you

identify specifically what needs to be addressed, it is not possible to

hold people accountable. Getting agreement on the breakdown can

Holding People Accountable 269

be challenging. Unless both parties agree that "X" is the problem,

there is nothing to which you can hold people accountable. Following

is a sample conversation using Step 1: Declare the Breakdown.

You: "I think we have a miscommunication. I expected to

receive your proposal yesterday."

Subordinate: "I am so far behind. I'm still working on it."

You: "I know you have a great deal to do. Missing your deadline

and not communicating affects not only me but also many

others."

Subordinate: "Yeah, well, I'll get it done as soon as I can. "

You: "I need to know that you understand how missing this

deadline has impacted others."

Subordinate: "I didn't realize they were waiting for my input."

You: "How can they proceed without it? You have information

they need to make important decisions."

Subordinate: "I didn't think about that. I was so focused on

everything else."

You: "Thanks for being honest. I think this is where everything

went off-track. You were focused on what you needed to do

instead of working collaboratively and making this a team effort."

Subordinate: "That's accurate. I felt I was alone in this and

completely forgot about partnering with others."

While declaring the breakdown, the crucial outcome is to make sure

the individual understands how his or her behavior impacts others. Be

270 Say It Right the First Time

sure the person is accountable for that impact. Obtain agreement on the

nature of the problem or breakdown before moving on to the next step.

The second step in the model is to accept accountability for your

impact. Sometimes it may feel as if you have no accountability for

what happened. This is seldom, if ever, true. If you are a leader, you

are accountable for everything that occurs with subordinates. In some

way you have contributed to the breakdown or problem. By accepting

accountability you are not accepting blame; instead you are

strengthening the relationship. For example, see the conversation

below to find out how to build the relationship by accepting accountability

for your impact.

Subordinate (continued from step 1): "That's accurate. I felt

I was alone in this and completely forgot about partnering with

others."

You: "I can see where I dropped the ball. I needed to talk with

you about the entire process so you had the big picture of what

is happening."

Subordinate: "Well, you did tell me some things."

You: "But not enough. It's my responsibility to make sure you

have clear expectations from me. I expected you to understand

how others would use your proposal, but I never told you this."

Subordinate: "Well, I could have asked you to explain the

process to me. That's my responsibility to understand why I'm

doing something and to make sure it's on target."

When a leader accepts accountability for how he or she has contributed

to the situation, it opens up the conversation. Although you

Holding People Accountable 271

should never expect it, once you express your accountability it is not

uncommon for others to express theirs. A leader's statement of

accountability shows ownership and makes it a shared problem that

will be worked through together.

After you have accepted accountability for your impact, move on

to step 3. Many problems need attention fast. The continuing conversation

below demonstrates how to align on immediate corrections

so people can go into action to control the damage and impact on

others.

Subordinate (continued from step 2): "Well, I could have

asked you to explain the process to me. That's my responsibility

to understand why I'm doing something and to make sure

it's on target."

You: "We both learned something from this. Let's decide on

what we need to do to minimize the impact on others."

Subordinate: "I need to communicate and apologize for being

late with the proposal. I will let everyone know that they will

have the proposal in their hands by Wednesday morning."

You: "That's great. When are you going to communicate and

who will be included?"

Subordinate: "I'll send an e-mail as soon as I walk out of here.

I'll include the six people on the task force, plus I'll copy you

along with the head of Claims."

It's specific. All elements for an immediate correction have been

covered in the above conversation. The subordinate has taken

accountability to act and the action is clear. The new deadline has

272 Say It Right the First Time

been established along with the timing of the communication to others

apologizing for the delay. Finally, those who need to know what

happened will be included.

There may be times when you need to break the conversation into

two parts. First, have a discussion that includes steps 1 through 3 and

ends with alignment on immediate short-term corrections. This

allows you to deal with urgent situations. Later, you can come back

to the discussion after the problem has been handled and have a conversation

that covers steps 4 and 5. The final two steps are important,

so make sure you cover them. They support continuous learning and

strengthening of the relationship. Following the same conversation as

above, we now move to step 4-Align on Long-Term Corrections-

and continue the process.

Subordinate (continued from step 3): "I'll send an e-mail as

soon as I walk out of here. I'll include the six people on the

task force, plus I'll copy you along with the head of Claims."

You: "Sounds good. Let's talk about what we need to do to

avoid future breakdowns. I'll start with what I can do. I will

spend time up front with you on what others are doing and

how all the pieces will come together."

Subordinate: "That would help. And I'll stay in touch with

you throughout the project to make sure things are on track. I

will also make sure I make my deadlines."

The preventive actions in the conversation above are between the

two people involved and do not require including others. This is not

a complicated problem to solve. It requires recommitting to being

accountable for working together to produce the desired results.

Holding People Accountable 273

Finally, a culture of accountability is based on recovery and learning.

Mistakes, miscommunication, and problems are opportunities

to learn and build the relationship. Discussing what is learned from

breakdowns and challenges needs to become a leadership habit. It is

all too easy with a hectic schedule to ignore the relationship and what

has been learned and move on to solve the next problem. In the final

section of the conversation, the leader and subordinate can now begin

to use step 5-Build the Relationship-now that the issue has been

resolved.

Subordinate (continued from step 4): "That would help. And

I'll stay in touch with you throughout the project to make sure

things are on track. I will also make sure I make my deadlines."

You: "I appreciate your commitment. I think we've both

learned something from this. I've learned that I need to be a

better communicator and work closer with you throughout the

process."

Subordinate: "This was a wake-up call for me. I need to be

much more aware of my impact on others before, during, and

at the end of a project."

You: "Is there anything else we should discuss? How has this

discussion impacted you?"

Subordinate: "Well, it's been positive. I came in here feeling

defensive but now I feel that we've worked this out together."

New promises have been made so that people can count on one

another. At the end of step 5, the question is asked, "How has this discussion

impacted you?" This provides an opportunity for both parties

274 Say It Right the First Time

to see if there is anything else to be said and make sure the conversation

ends in partnership and moving forward in a positive direction.

Holding people accountable is a positive leadership action. It

makes people responsible for doing their best and behaving consistently

with their commitments. The five-step model allows you to

handle problems without pointing the finger. Most importantly, people

know they are being held to high standards by a leader who is

committed to their success.

Building a Culture of Accountability

Building ownership in others is a journey, not an event. It is an ongoing

process emphasizing quick recovery and learning from mistakes

and breakdowns. When people understand that 100% accountability

is a way of life, they begin to see the endless possibilities. This cannot

be a "program of the month" in anyone's eyes. The practices of

accountability need to be integrated throughout your business. People

need to see it in you, and see that it is expected of them. Building

a culture of accountability is a process worth undertaking, a

process that makes your life and the lives around you much easier. It

creates smooth day-to-day business operations and removes the complicated,

time-consuming issues involved in miscommunication and

misunderstandings.

To build a culture of accountability, leaders must learn how to

speak a new language. In the traditional 50/50 culture where fingerpointing,

blame, and "I'll do my part" thinking dominates, the language

lacks inspiration. In a 50/50 culture a leader may say, "We need

to deal with this change and how it has impacted our business." Listen

to the difference when the leader says, "We will embrace this

Holding People Accountable 275

change and use it as an opportunity to move our business into a new

market." The first statement reports change while the second statement

describes what is possible.

It takes a different language to speak a new future into existence

and build a culture of accountability. When leaders deal with mistakes,

problems, and breakdowns in a 50/50 culture they might say,

"This should never have happened. You need to handle it fast." In

this statement there is a harsh judgment and reprimand. The use of

the word you underscores that the person who made the mistake is

alone in correcting it. In a culture of accountability leaders would say,

"We made a mistake. The question is, How are we going to recover

quickly and learn from this?" By the use of inclusive language and

using the word we, the leader acknowledges the mistake and moves

the focus to recovering quickly and capturing what can be learned.

In a culture of accountability, people are held responsible for their

impact on results and others. For example, in a 50/50 environment,

leaders might say, "What you did is all right, but see if you can do

better." The use of incremental language such as "better" demands

little in the way of improved performance nor does it express much

belief in the person. In a climate of 100% accountability, leaders use

shorthand communication with committed partners and say, "What

you delivered is not acceptable for what you can do. I know what you

are capable of producing and I won't accept anything less. Now let's

work together to . . ." Talking straight responsibly and demanding

outstanding performance is a trademark of leaders who build a culture

of accountability. Mediocre, ordinary, or average performance is

not acceptable for the leader or for anyone else. Leaders challenge people

to stretch and reach higher, not in incremental steps but by taking

a leap of faith and making the impossible happen.

276 Say It Right the First Time

By using the language and phrases in the 100% Accountability

column, you can begin the process of helping people think in different

ways. Building new habits and behaviors requires a new language

or that new meaning be given to old language. Our words and phrases

lead people down a particular path. Do you want people to try and

do something or do you want them to do it? Your language and words

will directly influence what they do.

The new language of 100% accountability is inspirational. It

demands more of what people want to give-their discretionary effort

for a higher purpose. Give people a reason beyond profitability that

supports their personal purpose and they will embrace change, act as

owners, and make things happen. A culture of accountability is a

higher purpose. It is a journey and a mission. It asks people to

develop, learn, and grow. It impacts their personal and professional

lives. And it connects and bonds people in a way that few experience.

People learn about the power of working together in committed partnerships.

In all of this, people find a higher cause they can embrace

as both a personal and organizational mission.

X

AVOID REPLACE WITH

50/50 Accountability 100% Accountability

• Do your share; do your • Accept accountability, not

part. blame.

• See what you can do. • Work together, collaborate,

partner, work as a team.

Holding People Accountable 277

• Deal with change; • Embrace change; use change

handle change. as an opportunity.

• Be politically correct. • Talk straight responsibly.

• Don't make mistakes. • Recover quickly.

• Don't make the mistake • Learn from mistakes.

again.

• Agree or comply with • Align and support others.

others.

• Tolerate what you don't • Be an owner.

like.

• Complain and criticize. • Make requests to move the

action forward.

• Try to make things happen. • Make things happen.

• Commit casually. • Commit with integrity.

• Have ordinary partner- • Build committed partnerships.

ships.

• Put up with senior • Manage up to senior

management. management.

• Earn trust. • Give the gift of trust.

• Ignore the past. • Clean up the past.

• Produce good results. • Produce extraordinary

results.

278 Say It Right the First Time

• Do your job and let others • Hold yourself and others

do theirs. accountable.

Building a culture of accountability takes commitment and drive.

It takes strong leaders who are willing to make bold commitments in

the face of challenging circumstances. A leader must commit to being

100% accountable for his or her impact on results and people. It's a

big commitment, but the results can be staggering. Single-handedly,

you can transform the attitude of the people in your organization

from victims to owners, where people move off the sidelines and into

the game. You can replace blame and finger-pointing with responsible

action and collaboration. You can quit refereeing conflicts between

people. You can create a culture of accountability where people feel

safe to speak up and contribute. And you can dramatically and positively

alter the lives of people as they grow and develop in ways they

never thought possible. All of this you can do if you are willing to

hold yourself accountable as the role model and mentor for others.

Take yourself on as a project. Invite others to manage up and coach

you. Stretch yourself and engage in learning "what you don't know

you don't know." Change your behavior, and others will change theirs.

You do not need to wait for anything or anyone. It is within your

power to make change happen.

In the story at the beginning of this chapter, the pilgrim who

walked through the village asked three people what they were doing.

Each person described the same job differently from chipping stone

to building a cathedral. In a culture of accountability, people reach

for the sky and build cathedrals. This transformation occurs when

people feel energized and inspired by a leader who believes in them

and demands the best from them.

Holding People Accountable 279

Winston Churchill said it best: "History will be kind to me for I

intend to write it." This is the choice you must make in deciding to

embark on the journey of 100% accountability. You can be an owner

and write history or you can allow history to be written. It's up to

you. Decide now to inspire others by learning to say it right the first

time, and to recover quickly when you don't.

Only you can decide what type of leader you want to be and the

legacy you want to create. This much is true-you can do and accomplish

far more than you ever thought possible by demanding the best

in performance first from yourself and then from others. Holding

people accountable is the linchpin for high performance, and you are

the key to making it happen in your organization. Don't wait for others.

Start today and write history.

Key Communication Principles

Principle 1: Hold yourself and others accountable

for the best in performance.

Think Twice. People prefer leaders who are demanding in the name

of excellence and quality. What you demand from others you must

be willing to demand of yourself. As you raise the bar on holding people

accountable, discover where you can demand more from yourself.

Action. Eliminate reasons, excuses, and justifications from your speaking.

When you notice yourself defending or justifying, stop and take

accountability.

280 Say It Right the First Time

Principle 2: Walk your talk.When you don't, people will

believe your behaviors and discount your words.

Think Twice. What you want from others you must do yourself. It's

as simple as that. You are the role model and others follow your lead.

If you want others to respond favorably to your coaching and input,

then respond positively to theirs. There are no special privileges as a

leader. You cannot opt out of being accountable for doing what you

ask of others.

Action. Focus on actively seeking personal coaching from others. Ask,

"How can I be a better leader/boss/partner for you?" When people

respond, listen carefully and thank them for their contributions.

Principle 3: Building a culture of accountability

is a journey, not an event.

Think Twice. Accountability is not a skill; it is a mindset. How people

relate to circumstances and one another reveals their level of

accountability. Coaching and holding people accountable are two significant

elements of an accountable culture. The most important message

you can send is that building a culture of accountability is not a

program of the month; it is a journey and a way of doing business.

Action. Share with others what you have learned about being an

owner and accepting accountability. Ask others to tell you what they

have discovered about themselves.

Holding People Accountable 281

Principle 4: Supporting something you did not invent is a

test of your strength of character.

Think Twice. It is easy to support people and initiatives with which

you agree. The difficulty is when you need to align with major efforts

you would not have chosen. But the point is, it wasn't your decision.

There are times when you get to vote, and there are times when your

vote is not requested. During these times it is your job to find a way

to authentically align and support others both publicly and privately.

Action. Take a look at how you are publicly demonstrating your support

for senior management, major initiatives, and change efforts. If

something is missing in your ability to support someone or something,

take immediate action and talk to the appropriate person.

Nothing happens without communication.

282 Say It Right the First Time

Abrupt interruptions, 132-133

Absolutes, 130-131, 155

Accountability, 3-30

100% accountability, 10-13, 276-279

seven keys to accountability, 11-13

Accountable language:

ask for information in nonthreatening

manner, 150-151

asking for what you want, 177-178

big leaps of quantum language, 221-223

bold commitments that inspire others,

223-224

checking assumptions, 97

checking clarity, 96-97

cleanup process, 163-164

collaborating/including people, 70-71

collaborating/working together, 71-72

commit and do it, 214

commit only when you intend to do it,

217-218

committing to success of others,

226-227

criticism, state as an exception, 158-159

dealing with resignation when short on

time, 51-52

directness when no decision, 180-181

discuss outcome before solutions, 92

expressing how you feel, 151-152

focus attention on critical message, 104

getting others back in game, 39-40

Accountable language (continued):

giving others responsibility, 95

handling people who dramatize

concerns, 193-194

handling people who drop a bomb,

201-202

handling people who dump concerns,

190

handling people who hedge, 187-188

handling people who minimize

concerns, 195-196

handling people who want you to

mind read, 199-200

handling people who withhold

information, 197-198

inspiring positive action, 17-18

interrupting yourself, 123

invite people to manage up, 257

keeping the conversation on track, 203

last word, 119-121

managing response to your request, 179

managing up, 257-262

marking out key points, 102-103

negative feedback, 100-101

owning up to delaying communicating,

184

positive direction, 99-100

provide "now" time frame, 155-156

state facts before conclusion, 182

summarizing, 104-107

283

Index

Copyright 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Click Here for Terms of Use.

Accountable language (continued):

support for senior management,

253-254, 254-255

taking responsibility, 164-165

talking to boss when you are resigned,

44-45

uncover the real problem, 48

"we're in this together" language,

225-226

what to say after all concerns voiced,

191-192

"you have my trust" message, 266

(See also Nonaccountable language)

Activities/questions:

behaviors of accountability, 41-42

conversational tendencies, 112-113

is your word your bond, 208-210

new initiatives, 248-251

Alignment, 49, 73-74

All promise person, 210

Anecdotes (see Stories)

Anger, 138

Annoying word habits (see Irritating word

habits)

Apologizing, 163

Approachability, 117-118

Asking for what you want, 177-179

Assistant, 60

Assumptions, 97

Attack words, 147-148

Avoiding making decisions, 68-69

Bad habits (see Irritating word habits)

Beason, Mike, 31

Big leaps of quantum language, 221-223

Big promise person, 209

Black hole, 79-109

checking clarity/assumptions, 96-97

filling in the blanks, 86-88

focus, 82-83

focus attention on critical message, 104

marking out key points, 101-103

positive direction versus negative

feedback, 98-101, 108-109

priorities, 93-95

solving the right problem, 91-93

Black hole (continued):

summarizing, 104-107

summary points, 107-109

unconscious/conscious mind, 88-91

what you say/what they hear, 83-86, 107

Blame, 11, 56

Bold commitments, 219-224

Bully behavior, 141, 142

Casual promises that erode your word,

216

Catch-22, 264

Changing language of modern leaders,

22-23

Changing the topic, 202

Checking clarity/assumptions, 96-97

Churchill, Winston, 239, 280

Circles of trust, 263-267

Circumstances, 211

Clarity, 96-97

Cleanup process, 163-164

Clichés, 121-122

Closure, 180

Coaching, 256-263

Collaboration, language of, 70-72

Command-and-control leader, 73-74

Commitment with integrity, 207-238

bold commitments, 219-224

breaking a commitment, 218-219

compromise, 217

eliminate wiggle room, 230-233

inspiring commitment in others,

227-229

personal commitment to others,

224-227

reality check on commitments,

228-229

resistance, 234-235

rules of the game, 218

self-assessment quiz, 208-210

summary points, 236-238

time frames, 238

try, 211-214, 237

Committed partnerships, 241-245

Communication dumping, 188-192

Communication effectiveness, 165-166

284 Index

Competitive advantage, 20

Compliance, 49, 72-74

Conscious/unconscious mind, 88-91

Consultant, 60

Control statements, 73

Cooling off, 153-155

Could have, 230-231

Critical thinking, 145

Criticism, state as an exception, 158-159

Culture of accountability (see Holding

people accountable)

Dancing around the issue, 186-188

Debates, 260

Decision making, 180-181

Declarative statements to exclusion of

questions, 58

Deficiency language, 153

Deflecting and avoiding, 202-203

Delaying/procrastinating, 183-184

Delusions of adequacy, 6-8

Demanding excellence, 240, 246

(See also Holding people accountable)

Derailing language (see Nonaccountable

language)

Directives, 69

Directness, 180-181

(See also Talking straight responsibly)

Discretionary effort, 33-34, 62

Discretionary income, 33-34

Discuss outcomes before solutions, 92

Disillusionment (see

Resignation/disillusionment)

Dos/don'ts (see Accountable language;

Nonaccountable language)

"Don't get too close" attitude, 116-118

Drama words, 127-128

Dramatizing/exaggerating, 192-194

Dropping a bomb, 200-202

Dumping laundry list of concerns, 188-192

Earn-my-trust expectancy, 265

Emerson, Ralph Waldo, 210

Emotional honesty, 174

Emotional intensity levels, 140-141

Emotionally charged people, 46, 47, 54

Emotionally charged situation, 159-161

Employee-manager miscommunication

(see Black hole)

Employee-manager partnership,

241-245

Escape hatches, 231

Esprit de corps, 20

Exaggerating, 192-194

Exaggerations, 127

Examples (see Accountable language;

Nonaccountable language)

Exception in behavior, 157

Exclusionary/parental language, 69, 73

Excusing failure, 231-232

Exercises (see Activities/questions)

Exit strategies, 230

Expecting others to read your mind,

198-200

Expressing how you feel, 151-152

Extremes, 127

E-mail, 159-161

Facts/conclusions, separating, 181-183

Faking it, 247, 255

False humility, 131-132

50/50 versus 100% accountability, 8-11,

275-279

Filled pauses, 124-126

Filling in the blanks, 86-88

Finger pointing, 24, 25, 56

Finishing sentences, 133-134

Five-step process-hold others

accountable, 267-275

overview, 268-269

step 1 (declare the breakdown),

269-271

step 2 (accept accountability),

271-272

step 3 (align on immediate

corrections), 272-273

step 4 (align on long-term corrections),

273-274

step 5 (build the relationship), 274-275

two-part conversation, 273

Flexibility, 29

Focus, 82-83

Index 285

Focus on recovery, not perfection, 167

Forward/backward, moving conversation,

29-30

Generalizations, 130

Gifts of trust, 265-267

Giving others responsibility, 95

Guiding principles (see Key

communication principles)

Hallway conversations, 36, 53-54, 75

Harnessed words, 25

Hedging, 186-188

Highlighting key points, 101-103

Hitting below the belt, 149

Holding people accountable, 239-282

benefits, 279

circles of trust, 263-267

coaching, 256-263

committed partnerships, 241-245

five-step process, 267-275

(See also Five-step process-hold

others accountable)

managerial support for senior

management, 245-256

managing up, 256-263

summary points, 280-282

Honesty, 174

Hot buttons, 138-143

Humor, 162-163

I, 126-127, 214

Important ideas (see Key communication

principles)

Inclusion, language of, 71-72

Incremental language, 210

Incremental steps, 220-221

Information overload, 16

Inspirational statement, 30

Inspiring positive action, 15-19

Intense debates, 260

Interrupting yourself, 123

Interruptions, 132-133

Irrelevant comments, 202

Irritating word habits, 111-135

abrupt interruptions, 132-133

Irritating word habits (continued):

absolute/generalizations, 130-131

don't get too close, 116-118

drama words, 127-128

false humility, 131-132

filled pauses, 124-126

finishing sentences, 133-134

jargon/slang, 124

labeling others, 129-130

last word, 119-121

royal "we," 126-127

self-labeling, 128-129

summary points, 134-135

talking without periods, 122-123

tired/worn-out phrases, 121-122

what about me?, 115-116

Jargon, 124

Job security, 242

Judgments, 143-144, 145

Keeping the conversation on track, 203

Key communication principles:

commitment, 236-238

communication effectiveness, 165-166

culture of accountability, 280-282

emotionally charged person, 54

employer-manager miscommunication,

107-109

finger pointing, 56

flexibility, 29

focus on recovery, not perfection, 167

hallway/underground conversations,

53-54, 75

irritating word habits, 134-135

overview, 28-30

power, 75-76

prevention tactics, 166

straight talk, 203-205

urgency, 108

validate feelings, 55-56

what you say/what they hear, 107

"what's missing" statements,

108-109

"yes"/"no" response, 205

Korda, Michael, 57

286 Index

Labeling others, 129-130

"Last word" people, 119-121

Laundry list of problems, 188-192

Leaders/managers:

accountability for mistakes, 162

approachability, 117

living in a fishbowl, 64-65

most important goal, 26, 30

partnerships with employees, 241-245

power, 67-68

resignation, 40-45

role, 19-21, 30

role model, as, 281

support for senior management,

245-246

word as your bond, 218

Listening with judgment, 145

Listening with positive expectations, 146

Locker room language, 153

Lone-ranger language, 27

Managerial support for senior

management, 245-256

Managers (see Leaders/managers)

Managing up, 256-263

Maneuverability, 230

Marking out key points, 101-103

Montague, Ashley, 3

Negative feedback, 100-101

New language versus quaint relics, 22-23

No promise person, 209

"No" response, 178, 205

Nonaccountable language, 148

attack words, 147-148

avoiding making decisions, 68-69

casual promises that erode your word,

216

"could have, would have, should have,"

230-231

dramatizing concerns, 192-193

"dropping a bomb" messages, 200-201

dumping concerns, 189

"earn my trust" message, 265

excusing failure, 231-232

false humility, 131-132

Nonaccountable language (continued):

hedging/dancing around the issue,

186-187

hitting below the belt, 149

incremental steps, 220-221

jargon/slang, 124

labeling others, 129-130

minimizing concerns, 194-195

objectionable communication, 153

priorities, 94

"read my mind" messages, 198-199

self-labeling, 129

shutting people down, 69-70

superlatives, 128

try, 212-213

when you shrink the game, 42-43

wiggle room, 232-233

(See also Accountable language;

Irritating word habits)

Noncommittal hedging words, 211

Objectionable language, 152-153

Off-color jokes, 152

100% accountability, 11-13, 276-279

(See also Holding people accountable)

Options, 230

Others don't talk straight, 184-203

dancing around the issue, 186-188

deflecting and avoiding, 202-203

dramatizing/exaggerating, 192-194

dropping a bomb, 200-202

dumping laundry list of concerns,

189-192

expecting others to read your mind,

198-200

minimizing/reducing, 194-196

withholding information/thoughts,

196-198

Overview:

enemies to effective communication,

16

key to speaking accountably, 11-13

where communication is accountable,

14

where communication is off-track,

13-14

Index 287

Parental language, 69, 73

Participation, 236

Perception, 61

Permission statements, 258

Pilgrim story, 239-240

Platitudes, 121, 127

Positive direction, 99-100

Power, 57-76

amplifying, 67

amplifying the message, 59

captain-lighthouse story, 57-58

reducing, 67

respecting, 68, 70

responsibility, 59

summary points, 75-76

symbolic versus real, 59-64, 72, 76

titled position, 60

undeniable truths, 66-67

Prejudicial language, 153

Prevention tactics, 144-161, 166

ask for information in nonthreatening

manner, 147-152

cooling off, 153-155

emotionally charged situation, 159-161

listen with positive expectations,

144-147

treat undesired behavior as exception,

156-159

universal words, 155-156

when in doubt, leave it out, 152-153

Primrose path of misdirection, 113-114

Priorities, 93-95

Private conversations, 36, 53-54, 75

Process discussion, 47

Procrastinating, 183-184

Proximity to authority, 60

Quaint relics versus new language, 22-23

Qualified responses, 130

Qualifying phrases, 155, 156

Quantum language, 221-223

Questions to ask (see Activities/questions)

Quizzes (see Activities/questions)

Random words, 26

"Read my mind" messages, 198-199

Real versus symbolic power, 59-64, 72, 76

Reasons for failure, 231

Recovering from mistakes, 161-164

Request for action, 178-179

Resignation/disillusionment, 31-56

ask final question, 52-53

fundamental element, 45

how people feel, 38

identifying, 34-36

separate symptoms from problem,

48-50

shrinking the game, 37-44

stop discussing content/switch to

process, 47-48

summary points (key principles), 53-56

talking to people who are resigned,

45-53

validate feelings, 50-51

vignette (story), 32-33

when leader shrinks the game, 40-44

when short on time, 51-52

Respect for power, 68, 70

Responsible straight talk (see Talking

straight responsibly)

Right stuff (see Accountable language)

Rigorous debate, 260

Rivkin, Steve, 79

Rogers, Will, 219

Roman arch, 208

Royal "we," 126-127

Self-deprecating remarks, 128

Self-disclosure, 117, 127

Self-disclosure statements, 26

Self-interrupting techniques, 123

Self-labeling, 128-129

Sentence starters, 101-103

Separate facts from conclusions, 181-183

Sexual comments, 152

Sexual language, 153

Shaw, George Bernard, 207

Shorthand communication, 276

Should have, 230-231

Shrinking the game, 37-44

Silence, 125, 247

Slang, 124

288 Index

Small promise person, 210

Small-step language, 210

Solving the right problem, 91-93

Speaking out loud, 134

Speedy replies, 16

Statements of prejudice, 152

Stereotypes, 130

Stories:

captain-lighthouse, 57-58

filling in the blanks, 87

hearing, 144-145

pilgrim story, 239-240

poor little frog, 172-173

resignation/disillusionment (Brian),

32-33

24/7 (Sharon), 160

two wolves, 137-138

Straight talk (see Talking straight

responsibly)

Straight-talk checklist, 174-177

Stream-of-consciousness speaking, 122

Summarizing, 104-107

Superlatives, 127

Support for senior management, 245-256

Sustainable competitive advantage, 20

Swearing, 152

Symbolic versus real power, 59-64, 72, 76

Symbols of power, 60

Symptoms, 54-55

Talking straight responsibly, 171-205

asking for what you want, 177-179

communicating in timely manner,

183-184

directness, 180-181

identifying when others don't talk

straight, 184-203

(See also Others don't talk straight)

separate facts from conclusions, 181-183

straight talk, defined, 173-174

straight-talk checklist, 174-177

summary points, 203-205

Talking without periods, 122-123

Theme of book, 240

Throwaway remarks, 215

Tired/worn-out phrases, 121-122

Townsend, Robert, 171

Treat undesired behavior as exception,

156-159

Trigger words, 147-152

Trout, Jack, 79

Trust, 263-267

Try, 211-214, 237

Tying a person down to specifics, 233

Unconscious behavior, 139

Unconscious/conscious mind, 88-91

Underground conversations, 36, 53-54, 75

Undirected words, 23

Unfilled pauses, 124

Unharnessed words, 23-24

Universal words, 155

Urgency, 108

Validating feelings, 50-51, 55-56

Verbal sparring, 260

Victim behavior, 141, 142

Vignettes (see Stories)

Vision statement, 28

Voice mail, 159-161

"Wait and see" mode, 211

We, 25, 126

"What about me" people, 115-116

What you say/what they hear, 83-86,

107

"What's missing" statements, 98-101,

108-109

When in doubt, 152-153

Wiggle room, 230-233

Withholding information/thought,

196-198

Word as your bond, 208-210, 218

Word habits, 113-114

(See also Irritating word habits)

Worn-out phrases, 121-122

Would have, 230-231

"Yes"/"no" response, 178, 205

You, 24

Index 289

About the Author

Dr. Malandro and her team of experts work with organizations to

build personal accountability, communication, and leadership skills

that result in people working together to produce unprecedented results.

The Malandro technology, a highly structured and proven process,

quickly mobilizes people to proactively lead change, collaborate, and

improve earnings through increased efficiency and effectiveness.

Loretta Malandro, Ph.D., is president and CEO of Malandro Communication

Inc., an organization with over 20 years' experience working

with 5000 corporations worldwide. Executives whose mission is

to lead a great company, not just a good one, engage Malandro for

rapid, sustainable results.

Loretta Malandro and her organization can be reached by:

E-mail: [email protected]

Telephone: 480-970-3200

Facsimile: 480-970-0205

Web site: www.malandro.com

Malandro Communication Inc.

Scottsdale, AZ 85250

U.S.A.

Copyright 2003 by The McGraw-Hill Companies, Inc. Click Here for Terms of Use.