chapter five: the lists

☾ ☼ Sunny Wright

Monday, September 21st, 2017

THE FIRST THING I NOTICED WAS HIS DIMPLES.

           Owen didn't return, until the following Monday, directly after school. He sat across from me, strands of his dark brown hair everywhere, as he smirked down at my list, dimples visible, I tried not to stare too long, as I sit at the foot of my bed, clasping and unclasping my hand, feeling slightly vulnerable. I didn't know why I acted so awkward around him, maybe it was his natural awkwardness, that made things more awkward.

Owen was without a doubt awkward, he avoided eye contact with me for the most part, ran his hand through his hair more times than I could count and cleared his throat before the start of each sentence, and he had been here all of five minutes. Watching him awkwardly stumble for words made me want to laugh, if only to relieve the tension in the room.

"You...want to go to a high school football game before you die?" Owen snickers, eyes still on the list, I roll my eyes, blushing.

"Yeah, one last high school hoo-rah." I say with a shrug, my cheeks blushing again, I wasn't the type to participate in high school social events, now I was regretting it, I hadn't gone to any dances or any games, I was planning on waiting for the whole school spirit thing for college, but it didn't look like that would ever happen. I shove the thought deep into a box, before I began to spiral, and offer Owen an unbothered shrug.

"You want to lose your virginity?" He begins. "You're a virgin?" He was erupting in laughter now, I clench my jaw holding back my laugh, as I snatch my list out of his hand, if I'd known he was just gonna mock my list, I'd have never shown him. For someone who was so socially awkward, he was really mean and judging.

"Let's see your list, asshole,"I say looking down at my own list, it really didn't seem all that bad, not until Owen criticized it to no end.

My list contained fairly attainable actions, things that I wanted to do, things that I needed to do. I didn't know just how boring and unaccomplished my life was until I realized my days were numbered, there was so much I hadn't done, so many things I thought I had a lifetime to do, but I didn't. I had a number of months, if i was lucky, to make the most of it, and I would. I shove my negative thoughts in the overstuffed box in the darkest place in my brain, and look over my list.

1. Go to a high school football game
2. Go to a high school party
3. Do something worth remembering
4. Commit a SMALL crime
5. Lose my virginity
6. Paint 100 paintings
7. Go to a concert
8. Go skinny dipping
9. Drink EVERY milkshake Shake and Bake has to offer
10. Say 'yes' for an entire day
11. Go camping and stargaze
12. Do something nice for my mom
13.Leave something behind for my loved ones

"Well let's see yours."

Owen groans, reaching in the pocket of his jean jacket, retrieving a crumpled piece of paper, he straightens it out, best he can, handing it over.

1. Get a tattoo
2. Ask Josie out
3. Eat at a fancy restaurant
4. Go on a road trip

My eyes scan the list, it was relatively short and of course it was! He had his whole life to do whatever he wanted to do, it was I that had to cram, to get some life long experiences in a limited amount of time. When I feel his eyes on me, I look up.

"Josie McBride?" I laugh, handing him his crumbled piece of paper back.

This time it's his turn to blush, he pockets the list, leaning back in my chair, his long hair cascading in his eyes. "Yeah, so what?" He says defensively, causing me to laugh even more.

"Nothing she's just—" I try to make out through a laugh, Owen cuts me off running a hand through his brown hair. I notice that he does that a lot.

"Way out of my league?" He finishes for me, lifting a brow in challenge.

"You said it not me," I say shrugging as I lean back on my bed. " how long have you liked her?"

"Nope." Owen says promptly shaking his head. "We're not doing this."

"Doing what?" I say furrowing my eyebrows in confusion, as he swivels in my office chair slightly, I watch him closely, as he avoids eye contact, blushing.

"Discussing my love life, I shouldn't have even put that on the list."

"You're denying a dying girl's wishes to hear about your love life?" I say jokingly, cocking my head to the side slightly, brown curls cascade in my eyes and I let them hang, staring at Owen through a curtain of hair.

He flinches when he hears the word, "dying", that's the typical reaction I get when I tell people that I have stage four cancer, they flinch and apologize over and over again, like they're the one who cursed me with the disease, it's rather comical, until I see the look in there eyes, the look that is so hidden you have to look a few times just to catch it for a glimmer, the look reads, "this girl is going to die, this is a dead girl walking." I try to ignore "the look", best I can, but it's everywhere, even Owen gives me the look.

Owen's dark brown eyes study me, he leans back farther in the chair, crossing his arms over his chest. "There's not much to tell, my love life is nonexistent."

I prop my body up on my elbows, so I can see him better. "You made fun of me for being a virgin, so that must mean you're not a virgin?" I ask, I smirk when I see him shift from side to side in the chair, fiddling with the buttons on his jacket.

"Correct,"He says simply, meeting my eyes. "You know, if I'd known you were just going to interrogate me, I'd have been more mindful of my words."

"I'm very observant, Owen,"I say plainly, suddenly tired, I lean back on my bed, staring up at the stars on my ceiling.

"Hey, Sunny?" Owen asks after moments of peaceful silence.

"Hmm?" I asks still staring at the ceiling, my eyes slowly, slowly closing.

"I just remembered, there's a game this Friday night, we could cross that off your bucket list."

I open one of my eyes, glancing down at him. He wears a small smile, slightly to the side. Owen didn't smile much, I watched as his smile faded when his eyes locked with mine, as if he were embarrassed to let anyone see him happy.

"Stop that,"He says, scowling at me. I sit up on the bed, letting my feet hit the cold hardwood floor.

"I don't know what you mean,"I say, blushing.

"You're staring at me funny, like...like, you're trying to read me,"He mumbles, his smile long gone, as his face shifts to unreadable. His chocolate brown hair falls into his face, but this time he doesn't push it out of his face, just stares at the ground and steals glances at me, when he thinks I'm not looking, each time I'm looking.

"You shouldn't hide your smile Owen, it's the best accessory you can wear," I say, nudging him in the shoulder.

he grumbles, shoving me right back, so hard I hit the floor with a thump.

He clasps his hands over his mouth, as he stares down at me laying on the floor, "Fuck, Sunny, I-I'm so sorry—" he rambles off, he reaches out a hand to help me up, but I'm laughing too hard to do anything, but laugh.

Owen's face relaxes when he sees I'm not hurt or upset. He still holds out his hand, and I pull it hard, and he comes tumbling down beside me and now he's laughing chaotically too, and we lay there on the floor laughing.

"I think you broke one of my ribs,"Owen says laughing, as he clutches his side. I say nothing, only laugh and laugh, until I can't remember what I'm laughing about anymore.

"Do you think that we could...maybe actually...be friends?" I ask after me and Owen calm down from our fit, he glances over, on the floor beside me, wearing an unreadable look.

"Not a chance,"He says, propping himself up on his elbows. "You're way too cool to be one of my friends."

"Whatever you say, Owen,"I say rolling my eyes playfully, I watch as he leans back on the floor, staring at the ceiling, I watch as his breathing slowly turns slow and rhythmic, until his eyes flutters closed and I'm sure he's asleep.

"Staring is rude,"He says in a low voice, eyes still closed. I blush and avert my eyes as if I'm a kid being caught stealing candy at a candy store. I steal one more glance at his resting body, and wonder, wonder if he realizes the meaning behind my stolen glances, my observant and analytic ways, I wonder if he knows the hidden meaning behind them: I don't want to do this alone.

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