TRIGGER WARNING!

This book contains content that some may find disturbing. Hallucinations, depression, pessimism in every chapter, suicidal thoughts and suicide will be tackled in this story.

Read at your own risk.

Chapter 24

Have you ever open up with someone about something that bothers you for years?

Serene lost it all.

It feels like she lost her mind even when her mind is full of endless thoughts that makes her feel so empty.

She took all her things from the apartment she's staying without bidding goodbye to the landlady. She has no obligations anymore since she already paid for the month she stayed at the apartment. There's no reason for her to wait for the landlady before she leaves.

Now that she's all alone and no Cody beside her, she still feels like people are staring at her like she's a wanted criminal. She became more aware of the world, of how many tourists were walking along with her.

She couldn't notice it before since she's preoccupied with Cody.

But now that he's gone, like a real human, she feels more tormented.

Sumakay siya ng bus pabalik ng Manila. Hindi tulad noon, isang upuan na lang ang binayaran niya ngayon. Naghintay pa ng ilang minuto sa terminal bago tuluyang umalis ang bus.

Cody has always been a real human to her. Hanggang ngayon ay nakikita niya pa rin ang imahe ni Cody sa kahit saan man siya lumingon. Masiyado siyang maraming alaalang ginawa kasama ng hallucination niyang 'yon. Hindi magiging madali para sa kaniyang bitawan ang naging sandalan niya sa lahat lahat.

Naalala niya ang araw na sumakay sila ng kalesa. May nakita silang magkasintahan na masayang nakasakay rin doon sa isa pang kalesa na nasa hindi kalayuan nila.

"May mag-jowa, oh?"

Mabilis na napalingon ang nagpapaandar ng kabayo kay Serene nang magsalita siya. Buong akala nito ay siya ang kausap niya. Sasagot na sana ito sa kaniya nang humagikgik si Serene at nagsalita ulit.

"Sa tingin mo, nag-sex na sila?"

Muling tumawa si Serene nang makita ang itsura ni Cody dahil sa tanong niya.

"Grabe namang tanong 'yan!"

"What?! Nagtatanong lang ako. Bente-dos na ako, Cody, ano ba?"

"Tss."

Ibinalik na lang ng lalaki ang atensiyon sa daanan at napalunok nang mapagtantong hindi siya ang kausap ng babaeng nakasakay sa kaniyang kalesa.

Wala nang luha ang tumutulo pa sa mga mata ni Serene, gaano man kasakit ang mga nararamdaman niya, dahil hindi niya alam kung ano ang una niyang dapat maramdaman.

Una, dapat ba siyang masaktan dahil ang kaisa-isang taong nanatili sa tabi niya ay purong imahinasiyon niya lamang pala?

Pangalawa, dapat ba siyang malungkot dahil hindi na naman natuloy ang plano niyang pagpapatiwakal?

Pangatlo, dapat ba siyang...magalit sa sarili dahil hindi siya naniwala sa kaniyang pamilya, sa kabila ng lahat ng ginawa ng mga ito para sa kaniya?

Halo-halong emosiyon ang nanaig sa kaniya. Sa sobrang dami ng laman ng isip niya, hindi man lang siya nakaidlip sa mahigit walong oras na byahe niya. Umuulan pa nang makarating siya sa Manila.

Nang makarating sa Cubao terminal, sumakay siya ng taxi pauwi sa kanilang subdivision. Makalipas ang isang oras na byahe dahil sa traffic, nakarating na siya. Bumaba na kaagad siya sa gate ng subdivision at binayaran ang pamasahe.

Bakas ang gulat sa security guard ng subdivision nila nang makita siya, ngunit hindi na niya iyon pinansin pa.

"Ma'am Serene! Halika, ihahatid ko na kayo sa bahay niyo, umuulan!" masayang sabi nito sa kaniya ngunit hindi niya ito pinansin at nagpatuloy lang sa paglakad. "Payong, Ma'am! Magkakasakit kayo niyan!"

Hindi pinansin ni Serene ang lahat ng sinabi ng guwardiyang iyon at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad hanggang sa makarating siya sa tapat ng gate ng bahay nila. Matagal niyang tinitigan ang bintana ng kuwarto niya kung saan minsan siyang tumalon mula roon, na ngayon ay nag-iwan ng sakit sa kaniyang katawan.

Pinindot niya ang doorbell ng dalawang beses. She doesn't feel excited anymore to go home. She just feel like she needed to do it. She couldn't even show a slightest emotion from her face. She just lost it all.

Nababaliw na nga ako. Tama sila.

A moment later, two women got out of the door and ran to the gate to open it for her. Her mom and Helene were both crying as they both hugged her, but not a single emotion were seen in her face.

"Sabi ko na nga ba, babalik ka! Halika anak, pumasok ka. Basang-basa ka!"

Gustong umiyak ni Serene nang muling makita ang kaniyang pamilya na punung-puno ng pag-aalala ngunit hindi niya magawa 'yon dahil wala nang luha ang lumalabas sa kaniyang mga mata. At isa pa, pakiramdam niya, sobrang sama niyang tao para masamain ang pagmamalasakit sa kaniya ng mga ito.

Lalong-lalo na ni Helene, dahil inisip niyang baka ito na nga ang nababaliw dahil kung anu-ano ang sinasabi nito tungkol sa pagiging hindi totoo ni Cody.

"Maligo ka at magpalit, anak. Baka Magkasakit ka."

Habang abala si Lerma sa paghanda ng pangligo niya at pampalit ay nagtimpla naman ng kape si Helene para sa kaniya. Pinaghanda siya nito ng makakain. Wala na siyang ideya kung anong oras na dahil tanghali siyang umalis ng Vigan, pero nakita niya sa wall clock nila na pasado alas onse na ng gabi.

Hindi ginalaw ni Serene ang kape at pagkain na inihanda sa kaniya ni Helene, maging ang pangligong inihanda sa kaniya ni Lerma. Dumiretso na siya sa kaniyang kuwarto sa itaas. Doon lang siya nagpunas ng kaniyang katawan at buhok, tsaka nagpalit ng damit.

Nang nakahiga na siya sa kaniyang kama at handa nang matulog ay pumasok doon si Helene.

"Kumain ka muna," hindi siya sumagot dito. "Kumusta k-ka? A-Ano pa bang gusto mong gawin namin?"

"Gagawin ko na lahat ng gusto niyo," simpleng sagot niya habang nakahiga, hindi tinatapunan ng tingin ang kapatid.

"A-Ano?" kunot-noong tanong ni Helene.

"Matutulog na ako."

Ipinikit na niya ang mga mata niya at hindi na sinagot pa ang mga sumunod na sinabi ng kaniyang kapatid. Nang narinig niyang naglakad na ito palabas at sumara na ang pintuan ng kaniyang kuwarto, nakahinga na siya nang maluwag.

Ilang oras na siyang nakahiga at nakapikit ngunit hindi pa rin siya natutulog. Pakiramdam niya, kaonting oras na lang, sisikat na ang araw. Iminulat nga ang kaniyang mga mata at kinuha ang cellphone niyang nabasa ng ulan kanina. Mabuti na lang at nasa bag niya 'yon kaya hindi gaanong nabasa.

Binuksan niya ito at pinindot ang application na Instagram. Naka-wifi na siya ngayon kaya naman nagagamit na niya ang mga social media niya kahit wala siyang sim card.

Tiningnan niya ang pictures na inupload niya noon na 'kasama' niya si Cody. Nakita nga niyang wala talaga siyang kasama at siya lang ang mag-isa sa mga picture. Nakita niya pang may comments doon ang kaklase niya sa isang post niya na may caption na with cody.

@polengapart: who's cody?

@archerqueendee: where's cody?

@marisswrites: creepy ng post and caption parang may kasama siya sa picture na hindi natin nakikita...

She closed the app as it gave her more answers to what's been on her mind lately. She opened her gallery, and saw that there's no trace of Cody in her Vigan tour. Kahit na ang mga supposedly selfie nilang dalawa ni Cody, siya lang ang mag-isa roon.

But she looks so happy.

Tears pooled on the corner of her eyes as she saw herself in her photos, but those tears just can't fall for some reasons. She just realized that, that happiness in her face were all fake. She lived her life to the fullest in Vigan with Cody but all of those happiness were not real. She just imagined that there's someone that will stay with her until the very end.

Fucking imaginations. It's all my fault.

"Hmm, 'wag mo nang sisihin ang sarili mo, ano ka ba?"

Napalingon siya sa bintana kung saan niya narinig ang boses ni Cody. Nakita niya nga ito roon na nakaupo tulad ng lagi nitong ginagawa. Babangon sana siya para lapitan ito, ngunit bigla itong nawala na para bang naging abo sa ere tulad noong nasa Quirino Bridge sila.

"You did well, Serene."

Hinanap niyang muli ang boses no'n at nakita niyang muli ang para bang kaluluwa na lamang ni Cody sa pintuan ng kaniyang kuwarto. Muli, naglaho ulit itong parang abo.

"Live."

She saw Cody in front of her with his genuine smile, but not too long after, he fade into ashes.

Napayakap si Serene sa kaniyang mga binti at umiyak nang umiyak matapos masaksihan ang mga iyon. Umiyak siya nang umiyak na para bang bata at walang pakialam kung magising niya ang mga natutulog sa kanilang bahay.

Ilang saglit lang, mabilis na pumasok ang kaniyang kapatid at ina sa kaniyang kuwarto. Mabilis siyang niyakap ni Helene at pinakalma, habang si Lerma ay may tinatawagan sa kaniyang cellphone.

Nang tuluyan nang kumalma si Serene, bumalik na ito sa pagkakahiga. Nasa tabi niya pa rin si Helene habang si Lerma ay hinihintay ang doctor na tinawagan.

"C-Can you talk?" tanong ni Helene sa kaniya. She didn't respond. Bumaling si Helene sa kaniyang ina. "Ma, ano sa tingin mo ang naging problema? The only word I can understand is Cody."

Muling napangiwi si Serene nang marinig niya ang salitang 'yon pero hindi na siya umiyak pa nang malakas. Hinayaan na lamang niya ang mga luha niyang tahimik na tumulo. Niyakap siya ni Helene nang makita siyang gano'n.

"I'm sorry," Helene said.

Mahigit isang oras pa ang nagdaan nang dumating na ang doctor na tinawagan ni Lerma. Mabilis itong lumapit kay Serene at binigyan siya ng pampakalma. The doctor tried talking to her but he got no response. Sa huli, wala itong nagawa kung hindi bigyan siya ng panahon.

"Let's just wait for her until she's ready to talk. We can't force her when she's not ready. It will make things worse for her."

Lumabas na ang tatlo sa kaniyang kuwarto at siya naman ay nakaramdam ng sobrang antok matapos siyang saksakan ng pampakalma sa kaniyang braso.

***

Two weeks later, Serene looks better than she was on her first day after her Vigan trip. She talks and she answers every time Helene tried to ask her something. The doctor warns them not to talk with Serene about Cody since, based on their observations, it is a sensitive topic for her. She still doesn't show any emotions. She's still emotionless.

She's still lost.

Serene's birthday has passed already and it seems like she didn't remember, or didn't care, at all. They tried asking her what she wants to do or what she wants to eat, but she just said, wala.

"So, what do you want to do now?"

"I'll do it," simpleng sagot ni Serene habang nakahigang nagsi-cellphone.

"Alin?"

Tumingin si Serene sa kapatid. "Ano ba 'yung pinag-uusapan niyo ni Mama? Consultation? Kay Dr. Ortalez?"

Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga maya ni Helene sa narinig mula sa kan'ya. "H-Huh? You'll do it? Is it okay for you?"

She nodded. "It's the least thing I can do for everything I've done."

Helene's tears pooled at the side of her eyes. "That is more than enough."

Lumabas si Helene sa kaniyang kuwarto at ibinalita kay Lerma ang sinabing iyon ni Serene. Mabilis naman silang nagpa-schedule ng appointment kinabukasan.

***

"You're scared." Dr. Ortalez said as soon as she entered his clinic. "Don't be. I'll be the first person to understand everything you're going to say and everything will be confidential."

"Salamat."

Naglapag ng baso na may lamang tubig ang doctor sa harap niya.

"So, sabihin mo sa akin lahat ng bagay na gusto mong sabihin."

Serene heaved a sigh. "I wanted to die..."

Hindi nakitaan ni Serene ng gulat ang doctor sa sinabi niya. "Okay... and then?"

"'Yun lang ang gusto kong gawin."

"Maaari ko bang malaman kung kailan unang beses na pumasok ito sa isip mo?"

"Since I made a very big mistake...when I was a kid."

Kalmadong tumango ang doctor. "Okay... and then?" Serene hesitated to answer. "Maaari ko bang malaman kung... ano 'yon?"

Uminom ng tubig si Serene mula sa basong inilapag sa harap niya. Kabang-kaba siya ngayong nasa harap na siya ng Psychiatrist na sinasabi ng kaniyang pamilya na kailangan raw niya at ang unang step para doon ay sabihin sa lalaking nasa harap niya ang pinagmulan ng lahat.

Lalaki... lalaki ang nasa harap niya...

Her hands started trembling but she tried to hide it. Nag-iwas ng tingin si Serene bago sumagot.

"I was so insecure with my classmates. How they own fancy things like beautiful bags, pencil case and everything. More than a decade ago, there was a department store that was not far from me so I always go there walking. I had a friend that time I am always with. She would go with me always."

Serene heaved a sigh as her fingers started trembling more while fidgeting.

"And then one day, we both agreed to do something cruel. She was so addicted to beautiful ID laces while I was really addicted to scented cute erasers. Since we're young, we didn't know that by shoplifting, we would be in big trouble.

"The first time we did it, we're not caught. So we planned for second time to do it. That second time, we still succeed on shoplifting those cute ID laces and fancy erasers. And on the third and the last time, we're caught."

Napayuko si Serene dahil sa kahihiyang naramdaman. Kabang-kaba siya dahil sobrang tagal na ng panahon at hindi niya nabuksan ang tungkol doon sa kahit na sino.

"How old are you by that time?"

Humugot siya ng malalim na buntonghininga. "I was nine years old. Imagine, a nine year-old girl, knows how to shoplift?"

Doctor Ortalez smiled calmly. "You're young."

Serene glared at the Doctor while trembling. "Pero may isip na kami no'n. Alam na naming mali 'yon pero ginagawa pa rin namin."

Napabuntonghininga si Doctor Ortalez bago sumandal sa upuan. Muli siyang nagbigay ng magandang ngiti rito bago kalmadong nagtanong. "Okay. So, what happened when you, two, were caught?"

Napalunok si Serene bago nag-iwas ng tingin.

"P-Pinapasok kami sa isang kuwarto kung saan parang iniimbestigahan kami. Ibinigay namin 'yung laman ng bulsa namin. They were actually asking us to pay for it ten times the price of each item. Of course, we couldn't do it. Wala k-kaming gano'ng pera. So, in the end, the w-woman on the table who was asking us various questions ended up calling the barangay hotline, kung saan ako nakatira. They asked the barangay official about my father. They knew the name of my f-father because that woman checked my ID. Of course, my father will be listed as my g-guardian.

"I don't know what they talked about over the phone but they didn't do anything bad to us. They just told us not to do it again or our future will be r-ruined. I felt so humiliated and of course, I was so angry with myself. Nadamay pa ang tatay ko sa kagagaguhan ko."

Serene didn't realize it but her tears are falling like a waterfall. It was the first time she cried that hard after crying like a baby on her first day at home from Vigan.

"Hindi ko alam kung nalaman ba ng pamilya ko ang tungkol doon, kasi hindi naman ako nagsalita pagkauwi ko sa bahay pagkatapos no'n. Pero kinabukasan kasi, bago ako pumasok ng eskwelahan... tinanong ako ng papa ko kung...kung okay na raw ba ako..."

Serene still remember the face of her late father that day. He was so worried about her, and it was one of the simple moments that she can never forget.

"Those days... those days... that's when I started to question myself if I deserve to be living in this world. I am not pretty, as I've always said. I was always bullied by other kids and I hate myself for doing such a big mistake that makes my life so complicated.

"Since that day, I never entered that department store anymore. Seeing the name of that place, it makes me tremble. I was so scared to enter that department store, that my m-mother would force me to enter... because we need to buy my school supplies. I was so afraid everyday, that o-one day, police might come to me and arrest me for shoplifting. Naalala ko kasi 'yung sinabi noong babae na, hindi pa kami puwedeng ikulong, unless eighteen years old na kami.

"That makes me more anxious to reach that age. I might be blabbering something non-sense but... everything I am telling you here, right at this moment... all of it were real. You might not believe me but...I already want to die before I reached eighteen because I was so afraid that my family will find out that I made such a big mistake. I was so afraid that I might go to jail for what I did when I was young..."

Serene couldn't continue talking properly for crying too much. It's like she's confessing to a pastor, because when she confessed about it on her first communion, her feelings were all the same. She's afraid...and anxious that someone might get her.

"I believe you, Serene. Don't worry. Go on. If you're not yet done, tell me everything you want. I assure you, it will make you feel better."

Tumango si Serene at nagpatuloy sa pagsasalita kahit na punung-puno ng luha ang kaniyang mga mata.

"I-I spent all those days, thinking about something like that. Akala ko talaga, totoo lahat ng mga iniisip ko. I wasted all those days na sana...nag-e-enjoy ako. Until I turned eighteen. No police came to get me," she chuckled as more tears kept on falling. "I was so childish, yet, that was really what I felt everyday when I made that sin."

"Your feelings are valid."

"And just when I thought that after eighteen, everything will be fine, since I am not jailed, ginawan ko na naman ang sarili kong problema."

Tumango ang doctor sa sinabi niya. "And what is that?" he calmly asked.

"Naisip ko naman na, kahit maka-graduate ako ng kolehiyo, walang kukuha sa akin bilang empleyado. Paano kung mag-background check sila? They will find out that I was once a shoplifter. I was so afraid that no one will hire me. I was so afraid of everything. And the stress from school works... nagsabay-sabay ang mga problema ko noon, that I literally had to hurt myself for me to calm. Until...I've decided to...not want to live anymore."

The doctor finally understands her, but he knew that there's something that she's not yet saying, because based on their first interaction, she was afraid of him.

"So, everything's all because of that"

Serene looked away and her hands started trembling more while her fingers starts fidgeting.

"Y-Yes."

Tumango ang doctor at kumuhang muli ng tubig na naubos na ni Serene.

"Good job, Serene. I am so proud of you for letting go of it. I promise to help you in any way I can, just please, cooperate in all the counselling and therapy, okay?"

Tumango na lamang siya bilang tugon. Hindi pa rin nagbabago ang akto ng mga kamay at daliri ni Serene. Nagsisimula na siyang pagpawisan nang malamig dahil gusto na niyang lumabas.

Hindi na niya kayang tumagal sa loob ng k'wartong ito na ang tanging kasama niya ay ang lalaking ito.

"Serene..."

Serene's reflexes reacted immediately because of the shock she felt when the Psychiatrist called her.

"Y-Yes, Doc?"

"Can I ask you something?"

"Huh?"

"Are you afraid of me?"