TRIGGER WARNING!

This book contains content that some may find disturbing. Hallucinations, depression, pessimism in every chapter, suicidal thoughts and suicide will be tackled in this story.

Read at your own risk.

Chapter 23

Have you ever regret so much for realizing something very important?

Nang matapos sa tattoo na ipinalagay sa kaniyang palapulsuhan ay nakahinga na siya nang maluwag. Masakit ang bawat tusok ng karayom sa kaniya. Pakiramdam niya ay bawat baon ng karayom, nanunuot sa kaniyang balat ang sakit.

She never sweat this way when she's hurting herself. Ngayon lang.

"Masakit, 'no?" tumango si Serene sa tanong ng nag-tattoo sa kaniya. "Pain is beauty, Miss. Soon, you'll find a reason for you to save yourself."

Natigilan siya sa huling dalawang salita na sinabi ng lalaki dahil sa lahat ng bagay sa mundo, ang dalawang salitang 'yon ang hindi niya aasahan sa isang taong estranghero sa kan'ya.

Hindi na sumagot pa si Serene sa lalaki at nagpasalamat na lang matapos magbayad, tsaka lumabas ng shop. Hindi pa man niya tuluyang naisasarado ang pintuan ng shop, narinig na niya ang kuwentuhan ng mga lalaking kanina pa maingay.

"Seryoso, gago! Kinilabutan nga ako, eh."

"Gago, ginagawa mong baliw 'yong tao."

"Hindi naman sa baliw. Kaso, nakita ko may kinawayan pa siya bago pumasok dito, alam mo 'yon? Parang may nakikita siyang hindi natin nakikita. Sigurado ako, may kausap siya kanina sa hangin, eh. Imposible namang sa cellphone kasi wala siyang hawak no'n at wala rin earphone sa tainga niya."

"May multo kaya?"

"Depressed 'yung tao, baka may pinagdadaanan."

"Save me, sabi, eh."

"Huh?"

Hindi na pinakinggan pa ni Serene ang mga sunod na usapan dahil bigla siyang nakaramdam ng kaba sa lahat ng narinig sa mga lalaki.

Why are they saying the same thing that my sister told me?

Bumalik kaagad siya sa apartment at nakitang nandoon na si Cody, nakahiga sa sofa habang nanonood ng TV. Bumangon ito nang makitang nandoon na siya. Binigyan siya nito ng malawak na ngiti.

"Tapos ka nang magpa-tattoo?" tahimik siyang tumango bilang tugon. "Puwedeng makita?"

Bahagyang tumango si Serene bago naglakad papalapit kay Cody at naupo sa tabi.

"Saang parte ka nagpa-tattoo? Anong pina-tattoo mo?"

Hindi na sumagot pa si Serene. Iniangat niya ang sleeve ng kaniyang damit at pinakita ang tattoo ng Morse code sa palapulsuhan, katabi ng mga peklat mula sa laslas na siya ang gumawa.

"Anong ibig sabihin niyan?"

Bahagya siyang ngumiti. "Secret."

"Ahh, buti isa lang pina-tattoo mo."

Ngumisi si Serene at ibinaba ang damit sa parte ng kaniyang collarbone kung nasaan ang kaniyang tattoo na ang nakalagay ay tranquility.

Cody laughed slightly after seeing it. "Galit na galit siguro ang Mama mo kapag nakita niya 'yan."

Napangiti na lang si Serene sa narinig at napaiwas ng tingin. "She'll never have the chance to see, anyway. So, hindi na siya magagalit."

"But your tattoo has its own meaning, right?" Serene didn't answer. "I especially liked the one in your wrist. Hindi ko alam kung ano ang ibig sabihin pero I know that those were the words that you cannot say with your own lips. Perhaps, a passcode to remind yourself about something? Or to stop yourself from... something."

Serene, again, didn't answer. Cody took the chance to smile and talk more.

"You know what? I really wanted you to live."

Serene's tears started to pool on the corner of her eyes. Hindi.... Hindi tama 'yung naiisip ko.

"You were so worthy of everything. I wanted you to live... even without me. It would be better if you're not with me right now, but seeing that we were together here in Vigan, going out in public places like it's a normal thing to do for someone like me... Serene, it all means that there's trouble. You, having me beside you, means you're in trouble."

Serene looked away and stopped her own tears from falling. "Stop talking..."

Cody sighed, still looking at her. "Serene, I really, really wanted you to live. But, seeing you right now, at the state of mind that you have right now, I couldn't do anything anymore. You are the only one who can save yourself. Alam ko namang kahit na anong sabihin ko, wala na akong magagawa para baguhin pa ang isip mo. The decision is in your hands now... and I am not going to stop you with whatever decision you make—"

"Ang sabi ko, tumigil ka na," Serene said in a strong voice while glaring at Cody.

Right after saying all that, Serene saw how shock Cody is, so to not see it, she decided to go to her bed.

"Matutulog na ako."

Cody smiled while staring at her back—walking away from him.

"Please, live."

***

The next day, Serene never initiated the talk with Cody. She may answer Cody sometimes, but her heart feels so empty. She has something to say but she knows that once it slipped in her mouth, she'll lose him.

She cannot lose Cody anymore. She'll lose her sanity.

Kinagabihan, umuwi si Serene mula sa convenience store, may dalang paper bag, tsaka naupo sa sahig sa harap ni Cody.

"Ano 'yan? Saan ka galing?"

"May binili lang."

Inilapag ni Serene sa coffee table ang mga alak na binili niya. Ito ang unang beses na iinom siya sa Vigan. It's been more than two weeks since they arrived in Vigan but it was the first time she will drink alcohol. Ipinangako niya sa sarili niyang e-enjoy-in niya ang scenery ng Vigan at hindi iinom, but right now, she needs it.

"Bakit iinom ka? Akala ko ba hindi ka iinom?" inosenteng tanong ni Cody.

Binuksan ni Serene ang dalawang bote at ibinaba ang isa sa harap ni Cody.

"Inom."

"H-Ha?"

Serene glared at him. "Inom. Tayo."

Hindi na muli pang nagsalita si Cody at pinanood na lang si Serene na inumin ang mga alak sa bote. Nakakailang bote na si Serene ngunit hindi pa rin iniinom ni Cody ang sa kaniya.

"Uminom ka," utos niya.

"H-Hindi ako umiinom."

Serene smirked and looked away from him. Kinuha niya ang alak sa harap ni Cody at siya na ang uminom no'n. Hindi na muli pang nagsalita si Serene at gano'n din si Cody. But inside Serene's heart, she wanted to talk but she couldn't.

Ilang oras na ang nagdaan, wala pa ring nagsasalita sa kanilang dalawa. Nanatili silang nakaupo sa sahig. Si Serene ay patuloy pa rin sa pag-inom kahit na sobrang kalasingan na ang mayroon siya, habang si Cody ay yakap lang nang bahagya ang kaniyang mga binti habang pinanonood ito sa pag-inom.

"Wala kang sasabihin?"

"Wala," mabilis na sagot ni Serene.

Nangilid ang mga luha niya ngunit ginawa niya ang lahat upang hindi maging halata ito.

***

The next seven days, Serene became more quiet. She won't talk when it's not necessary, unlike before that she'll talk about how she'll commit her death, out of nowhere. Cody feels troubled with her silence, but he knows that there's something right that he did, or something good that he said.

Or maybe there is something that Serene has finally realized.

Serene may think of it as vanishing concern from her only friend, but looking at her right now, no one can save her better than herself. And so, Cody told her that he's giving up.

On the other hand, Serene has been observing the people around her.

She always saw how criticized she was by the number of people who gave her a look with concern and fear. And she knows... she already knew, but she just can't accept the fact that she'll lose it when she admitted everything.

"Is there... something wrong?" Cody asked as they walk on the Quirino Bridge.

Malakas ang hangin sa lugar. Giniginaw si Serene dahil wala siyang suot na jacket pero hindi na niya inalintana 'yon. Gusto niya ang hangin; gustong gusto. Lalo na't kasama niya sa mga oras na ito ang kaisa-isang taong alam niyang pag-aari niya.

Serene nodded as her hair blew to her face. Inayos niya 'yon at inilagay sa gilid ang mga buhok.

"Puwede ka namang... magsabi sa akin."

Serene smiled at him. "Para saan? Puwede ko namang isama ang problema ko sa kamatayan ko."

Naupo si Serene sa gilid ng tulay at tiningnan ang ilalim kung nasaan ang Lagben River. Ayaw na sanang pag-usapan pa ni Serene ang tungkol sa bagay na 'yon dahil alam niya na maging si Cody ay sinukuan na siya. Gusto na lang niyang biglain ang plano.

"I will jump right at this moment; right at this place...won't you stop me?"

Cody smiled a little. "Kapag iniligtas ba kita, pipiliin mo bang mabuhay nang mas matagal?"

Serene looked away as she starts losing all the emotions she used to have, few days ago, when she realized something after getting tattoos.

"Kung oo... hahawakan mo ba ang kamay ko para mapigilan ang pagkahulog ko sa ilog na iyon?"

Hindi inalis ni Serene ang paningin sa ilog na malakas ang agos. Siguradong oras na tumalon siya roon ay aanurin siya nang malakas at mamamatay.

Easiest way to die, right?

"Can't my words stop you from jumping?"

Serene's tears started falling like a waterfall but her expressions never changed a bit. It's like she's crying but she feels nothing.

"Hindi konkreto ang mga salita, Cody. Ang kailangan ko, kamay na hahawak sa akin para pigilan ako sa pagkahulog."

Cody gulped after hearing those words from Serene. Cody realized that, finally, Serene is asking for a concrete evidence that she might be saved.

Too bad that Cody can't do that.

"P-Puwede bang... huwag ka na lang tumalon?"

Napabuntonghininga si Serene nang maintindihang kahit na anong pagpapanggap niya ay wala siyang mapapala. She's insane... literally. And it breaks her heart to realize that she hated her family for thinking that she's going through serious mental condition, when all along, they were actually right.

Tumingin si Serene kay Cody. Hindi pa rin nagbabago ang ekspresiyon ng kaniyang mukha. Sunud-sunod pa rin sa pagtulo ang kaniyang mga luha.

Sobrang nasasaktan siya pero hindi na niya alam kung paano ipakita sa kanilang nasasaktan siya.

"Cody... bakit... bakit hindi?" Serene asked using her broken voice, begging Cody to hold her hand instead of just using his words to save her.

Cody gulped as her face softened. He's seeing one of the most vulnerable state that Serene has. And he hates it.

"Serene, you need to live. And I can't be the one to hold your hand and save you. Y-You need to lose me as a starting point in saving yourself. Please... please choose to live, Serene. Please, live..." Cody is almost begging, but the way Serene begged for him to hold her hand is stronger than him.

"Wala naman nang dahilan para mabuhay pa ako. Ipinaliwanag ko na sa 'yo, 'di ba?"

Cody smiled a little. He doesn't want to tell these things, but in order for Serene to realize it, he needs to open it up for her.

"Serene, the man who molested you..."

Serene's heart skipped a beat as she heard those words she never told anyone. Parang tumigil din siya sa paghikbi, habang walang tigil sa pagtulo ang mga luha, oras na magbalik sa alaala niya ang mga pangyayaring 'yon.

"...is not around you anymore."

Cody... Cody is really...

Umiling siya nang umiling, paulit-ulit, habang walang tigil sa pagpatak ang mga luha niya. Alam niya... simula pa lang, alam na niya ang lahat. Pero hindi pa rin siya makapaniwala ngayong nasa harap na niya ang katotohanan.

"And the department store you shoplifted before..."

Napaiwas ng tingin si Serene nang marinig ang mga salitang iyon mula sa taong nasa harap niya.

"...has forgiven you long ago..."

Napahagulgol si Serene sa lahat ng narinig mula kay Cody.

Cody... you really are... me.

"So please...forgive yourself..."

Umiling nang umiling si Serene habang paulit-ulit na naririnig ang mga salitang binitiwan nito simula sa pinakatatago niyang sikreto.

"...and live your life happily."

"Cody, don't talk as if you know everything!" Serene shouted in between her loud cry and sobs.

She doesn't want to admit the fact that Cody is, indeed, her hallucinations... her other self. Cody is her comfort zone; it was her. Cody was the toxic positivity living inside her.

"I know everything."

Tumalikod si Serene para iwanan na si Cody sa lugar na iyon ngunit napahinto siya nang muling magsalita ito.

"Please... let me go."

Lalong lumakas ang iyak ni Serene sa narinig. It was herself, talking in her mind. She made a jail for a person she made up and she couldn't let it go because she feels better when she's with him—Cody.

"Cody, ano bang sinasabi mo?" she shouted.

He smiled. "Alam kong alam mo. At alam ko kung bakit nagkakaganyan ka ngayon."

"Tumigil ka na, Cody! Ano bang sinasabi mo? Bakit ka ba nagkakaganiyan?!"

"Serene...tell me what you know about me..."

"No, ayoko!"

Cody smiled like an angel. He looked like a shining man in front of him. It doesn't feel right for Serene.

Cody possesses the calmness she wanted.

Cody is someone she wanted to be, and she never did.

"Sige na...it's for the best."

"Cody!" sigaw ni Serene at tumakbo papalapit kay Cody. "Hindi ka puwedeng mawala, Cody! Ikaw na lang ang kaisa-isang mayroon ako!"

Cody smiled as he tapped her temple. "Tell me now."

Wala nang nagawa si Serene kung hindi ang yumuko at hayaang tumulo ang mga luha sa sahig.

"Ayaw mo na ba sa akin?" she asked like a kid.

Cody chuckled. "Hindi."

"Eh bakit ganiyan ka?"

"Ngayong nare-realize mo na, I know that you're starting to save yourself, Serene. I can't be with you all the time, lalo na ngayong nakikita kong nakikita mo na ang dapat makita. Binubuksan mo na ang mga mata mo... and that's... that's the best thing I've seen from you. Hindi mo alam kung gaano ko katagal hinintay 'yung araw na mamulat ang mga mata mo sa katotohanang hindi dapat ako nandito."

Umiling si Serene sa lahat ng sinabi ni Cody, dahil hindi. Para sa kaniya, totoo si Cody at malaking bagay ang nagawa nito sa kaniya.

"Serene...when you decided to live, I promise to live within your heart. I will always, always, comfort you in any way possible when things get tough. I might not be visible in your eyes, but I will always be in your heart... and in your mind."

"Cody naman!"

Cody chuckled. "Thank you, Serene."

"Cody, don't vanish, please. You might be hallucinations for other people, pero..."

Cody smiled as he heard the words he's waiting to hear.

"Pero para sa akin, totoo ka! Ikaw na ang pinakatotoo para sa akin. You're not just an imaginary friend like they told me. You're not an imaginary friend to me. Please don't do this..." Serene begged.

Walang humpay sa pagtulo ang mga luha ni Serene habang unti-unti niyang nakikita na naglalaho na si Cody sa kaniyang paningin at parang unti-unti nang nagiging abo.

"Cody!"

"Serene..."

And in an instant, Cody vanished, as if he turned into ashes. Serene couldn't do anything but to cry in the bridge. In a bridge where she thought of committing suicide, a man vanished for her to live.

Serene couldn't believe a word that Cody said. Cody told her that she'll live a good life when he vanished, but right now, she just wanted to end her life more than the way she used to want it.

Cody is the only person who believes and listens to her. Before, she couldn't understand why someone like him understands her. She got twisted mind, while Cody looks like he has a very serene mind.

They were very different—a total opposite.

And now that she understands it, she wished that she shouldn't know anything at all.

_____

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Credits to the owner of the photo; grabbed only from Google.

Last few chapters. ♥

-mari