TRIGGER WARNING!

This book contains content that some may find disturbing. Hallucinations, depression, pessimism in every chapter, suicidal thoughts and suicide will be tackled in this story.

Read at your own risk.

Chapter 18

Do you have any idea of what's the root of everything you are going through right now?

"Pakipirmahan na lang po ang CID card with three identical signatures, Ma'am," saad sa kan'ya ng bank employee sa new accounts section.

"Okay lang naman na sa iba ko ipangalan ang mismong bank account, 'di ba?"

Tumango ang empleyado sa kan'ya. "Business purposes, Ma'am, puwede niyo naman siyang ipangalan sa business niyo."

"No, I mean..." napalunok si Serene sa naisip na sasabihin. "M-May taning na kasi ang buhay ko."

Kitang-kita ni Serene ang gulat at pamumutla ng nag-aasikaso sa kaniya matapos marinig ang sinabi niya.

"Gusto ko sanang sa ganitong paraan ko ibigay ang mga perang 'yan sa kanila kapag namatay na ako."

Hindi pa rin makapagsalita ang babae matapos magulat sa sinabi niya. Sa tingin ni Serene ay baguhan pa lamang ito sa ganitong scenario at hindi pa masiyadong exposed sa iba't-ibang klaseng tao.

"M-Ma'am, sorry nabigla lang talaga ako. Ano na nga po 'yon?"

"Ahh, kasi 'di ba kapag magwi-withdraw with the passbook, kailangan may authorization letter ng mismong may-ari ng account? If ever, may iba pa bang way para mas maging convenient sa kanila ang pag-withdraw ng pera dito?"

Napatango-tango na lang ang babae bago sumagot sa kaniyang mga katanungan.

"May ATM po na connected sa Passbook niyo, Ma'am. Puwede naman po iyon. Para if ever po na kailangang mag-withdraw, hindi niyo na po kailangang pumila."

Napangiti si Serene sa narinig na solusyon mula rito, pagkatapos ay mabilis na sinagutan ang form at pumirma ng tatlong beses sa CID card.

Matapos niyang gawin 'yon ay dumiretso na siya pauwi. Sobrang kinakabahan siya sa laki ng kasalanang ginawa niya ngayon pa lang. Pero hindi matutupad ang plano niya kung hindi niya iyon gagawin.

"Ba't natagalan ka yata?" tanong sa kaniya ni Lerma. Pakiramdam ni Serene ay na-interrogate kaagad siya sa kasalanang ginawa niya oras na tanungin siya ng kaniyang ina.

"M-Medyo maraming tao, 'Ma."

"Ahh, sige."

Tatayo na sana si Lerma para itago ang passbook niya nang pigilan niya ito.

"A-Ako na magtatabi sa cabinet mo, 'Ma. Huwag ka na tumayo d'yan."

Nagtataka man ay wala nang magawa si Lerma kung hindi hayaan ang anak. "Sige."

Sobrang kaba ang nararamdaman niya habang itinatago ang bank account ni Lerma na ngayon ay wala na halos laman. Nang maitabi niya ito ay tuluyan na siyang lumabas ng kuwarto ni Lerma.

"Serene."

Nagulat siya nang marinig ang pagtawag sa kaniya ni Lerma. Ramdam niya ang malalamig na pawis na lumalabas sa katawan niya at pakiramdam niya ay may alam ang kaniyang ina sa kasalanang ginawa niya.

"Ma?"

"Okay ka lang ba? Bakit ba mukhang nakakita ka ng multo?"

Nanlaki ang mga mata niya at mas lalong kinabahan sa tanong nito. "H-Ha? O-Okay lang ako, 'Ma. Sige, 'Ma, akyat lang ako."

Nagmamadali siyang umakyat papunta sa kaniyang kuwarto pero sa pag-akyat niyang iyon ay nakasalubong niya ang kapatid niya. Akala niya ay kakausapin na siya nito, pero hindi. Nilampasan lang siya nito na parang hindi man lang nakita ang presensiya niya.

Maybe it will be the payment for the things that she did... for making Helene feel those things. It's fine for her, because this is what she asked for, right? This is what she wants in the first place.

And now that she's slowly getting it... why does she hate it?

Why does it break her heart into pieces?

***

Napahagalpak ng tawa si Cody nang marinig ang kuwento ni Serene tungkol sa ginawa niya nang sumapit nang muli ang madaling-araw at magkasama ulit sila sa bubungan ni Serene.

"The fuck? Sinabi mo sa babaeng may taning na ang buhay mo? Damn, Serene!" muling humagalpak ng tawa si Cody. "Binibigyan mo ng trauma 'yung tao, fuck!"

Unti-unti nang humuhupa ang tawa ni Cody kaya naman napairap na lang at nagbuntonghininga si Serene bago makapagsalitang muli.

"'Yun lang ang unang naisip kong dahilan, eh. Hayaan mo na, tapos na 'yon."

Pumalatak si Cody bago sinagot si Serene. "Isipin mo, ano na kaya ang naiisip ng babaeng 'yon ngayon? Base sa kuwento mo, mukhang hindi pa siya gaanong matagal sa posisyo niyang 'yon sa trabaho at binigyan mo na kaagad siya ng ganoong trauma. Tsk, tsk. Serene, you are getting worse as day passes by."

Serene rolled her eyes at him. "I don't care, Cody. I'll be dying anyway, so what's the point of thinking about me, getting worse, each day?"

By the time she said that, Cody lost his jolly face. Cody became serious as he faces her.

"You're not going to quit that, Serene? Really?"

"I told you before, nothing's going to change my mind anymore. I've made up my mind. I will end this fucking worthless life."

"What's your reason, really?"

"I am a worthless person. I am sinned—"

"All people are!"

"—untalented, not pretty, not even smart enough. I can't even do things to repay my family for all the love and support they gave me."

Cody sighed. He can't believe what he's hearing.

"Naisip mo talaga na kailangan mong ibalik lahat ng pagmamahal at suportang natanggap mo sa pamilya mo? You never thought that a true family's love is unconditional? Dude, don't fool me. You love your family enough and I will never believe that it was the sole reason as to why you are so eager to kill yourself."

Umiling si Serene bilang tugon sa narinig niya. Hindi na niya pinansin pa ang huling sinabi dahil paulit-ulit na lang siya sa pagpapaliwanag; nagsasawa na siya.

"Cody, may nabasa ako minsan na... kapag may namatay... may mabubuhay. What if the person who'll be born after I left this world...will be a great person for the world? I couldn't contribute anything. I don't even know what to offer. Wala akong ideya kung ano ba ang dapat kong gawin o kung ano talaga ang gusto ko. I don't believe that I...deserved to be here. This world is damn too much for me. I don't deserve this."

"And so does the world. Serene, this is too fucking early to tell if you can contribute to the world or not—"

"Hindi ko na patatagalin pa ang pagdurusa ko sa pag-iisip kung ano ba ang silbi ko. I've had enough. Since I was just a kid, I've always asked myself, what are my talents? What can I do to contribute to the world? What...do I want to do?" she heaved a sigh. "Paulit-ulit na lang tayo, pero kung gusto mong marinig lahat, will you be fine?"

"Damn, I am always fine."

"You're not a human if you're always fine, Cody," she chuckled.

Cody smiled. "So...care to tell me more?"

Serene smiled as she stared at the midnight's sky with no stars to remind her that the hope is eternal.

"When I was a kid, I have sinned."

Cody scoffed. "Fuck it, Serene. Lahat ng tao, nagkakasala."

"But that sin has never left my mind from that day."

Napatigil si Cody sa pagbuntonghininga. "What kind of sin was that to be on your mind constantly?"

Serene glanced at him. She saw again how Cody's hair dance to the cold wind browing in the air. She looked at the sky again before she started talking.

"It was a sin that ruined every bit of me. You know, my family never made me do anything bad. Sure, when I was a child, we were too poor to afford the things that we have right now. But...even after that, I am damn happy—happy to be part of this family who never pressure me to do the things that they want me to do—well, before."

Serene sighed as she hugged her legs tighter.

"They all want what's best for me. Ibinibigay nila sa akin lahat ng kailangan ko... lahat ng gusto ko, basta kaya nilang bilhin. Alam mo 'yun...mahirap pero simpleng buhay.

"And then one day, I made a fucking mistake that changed my life. I never imagined what my family would be saying to me when they find out. Hindi ko alam kung alam nila or hindi, pero hindi pa naman nila nabanggit sa akin kahit na isang beses."

Cody continue to stare at her as she talks about that thing that made her who she is now.

"Hindi na dapat nila malaman 'yon. 'Yun na ang huling bagay na gusto kong malaman nila sa mundong ito."

Cody couldn't handle the curiousity anymore. "Hindi ko ba puwedeng malaman kung ano 'yon?"

Serene glanced at him and smiled a little. "No, sorry."

Cody nodded. "Okay, continue."

"So, at the age of ten, I experienced being so anxious. For everyday of my life, all I think about is getting jailed when I turn 18, because for me, that... that was the worst thing that I did in my entire life.

"I've prepared myself getting dragged by the police to enter their police car, tapos ikukulong nila ako nang matagal na panahon," she chuckled. "I lived my life preparing myself for that day to come. That's also the reason why I don't really feel so happy on my eighteenth birthday, kasi up to that time, 'yun pa rin ang iniisip ko... na makukulong ako by that age."

Serene laughed as she looked at Cody who was silently listening to her. "And it turns out, hindi naman pala. Tinakot ko 'yung sarili ko sa mga bagay na hindi naman pala mangyayari. Binigyan ko ang sarili ko ng problemang hindi naman pala nag-e-exist in the first place."

Cody shrugged. "Yeah, that was your main problem; you tend to overlook the things that you think are bad. You overthink so much that it's hurting you already and it's keeping you from doing what you love."

Serene nodded before she looked away again. She continue with her story telling.

"But even after knowing that it's not going to happen, another problem was made up in my mind. Company always do background check for their employees, right? So, as I study college, I always think, I am not going to be hired because I had a very big sin when I was a kid. But even after all that thoughts, I still did everything to study hard, to give my parents a good grades, and to not fail, of course.

"I took up Business Administration for a purpose, Cody. I took that course because I thought before that...if no company's going to hire me...then I'll fucking make my own company!" Serene laughed. "But as day goes by while studying, it's so hard living for a big dream. And I am not happy with the course I took.

"I badly want to drop all the subjects before, but since my younger cousin look up to me, for being smart enough to have good grades, for being okay with Math and English subject, for...being able to write novels. They looked up to me too much...that I don't know how to live the way I want to live anymore. They looked up to me too much...that I don't want to disappoint them anymore.

"And so...I dropped the thought of dropping my course. Instead, I just continued doing what I usually do and continue giving them good grades—enough to be a role model of my younger cousin, who will soon study in a university."

Napaiwas ng tingin si Cody nang makita ang pangingilid ng luha ni Serene. It was that moment that he hated the most, because he knew that Serene wanted, and needed, to cry, but she, herself, wouldn't allow it to happen. She's making herself feel that she's carrying heavier baggage.

"So...that's the reason why you don't really know what you want anymore?" he asked.

Serene shrugged. She glanced at Cody and smiled but her eyes watered more. "I-I think I know. I just don't remember what it is anymore."

"Ayaw mo na bang alalahanin?"

Serene sighed, hugging her legs tighter. "There's no point. I've already graduated. And if ever I'll be studying again, my Mom would want me to get a Master's degree of this course I graduated."

"Akala ko ba hindi ka nila pine-pressure?"

Serene smiled bitterly. "She never did, really. She and Papa always told me before that they want me to take Education as my course, but they never really forced me to do that. Just...few years ago, my Mom had knowledge about how social media works. Nakita niya kasi 'yung mga anak ng kaibigan niya, na kaklase ko noong elementary at high school, na g-umraduate ang mga 'yon sa course na Education. You may never know, but my Mom wanted to be a Teacher when she was younger. But since our family was very poor before, she never really did."

Serene sighed as the loneliness and guilt for her Mom's fallen dream crept in.

"At mataas daw ang standard noon para sa mga gustong mag-Teacher. She didn't pass the NCEE para matupad ang pangarap niya. Hmm, I assume that, she wanted to reach her dreams through me...kaya nangyari 'yon."

Cody nodded when she got the point, finally. "Did you hate her for that?"

Serene laughed. "No way. I hated the social media for that."

"Why? Dahil doon?"

"Hindi. Kasi peke ang social media. Alam mo ba kung bakit sobrang eager ni Mama na mag-teacher ako? She saw posts relating to teacher na, kailangang-kailangan ngayon, kulang ang teacher sa Pilipinas, na mas mataas na ang suweldo ng mga guro ngayon, na maraming benefits. Pero alam ko at alam mo na hindi gano'n ang takbo ng mundo sa lahat ng tao. Maaaring maganda ang kapalaran ng ibang guro, pero paano 'yong iba, 'di ba? Hindi nakita ni Mama ang mga negative things about being a teacher kaya ayaw ko. I want to teach people, but I don't want teaching to be my obligation. Maybe...I want to teach people pero sa ibang paraan.

"Kaso hindi pa rin enough 'yon para masabi ko na 'yun ang gusto kong gawin sa mundo para mabuhay. Kasi...ano naman ang ituturo ko, hindi ba? Anong kaalaman ang maibabahagi ko? Wala nga akong maituro sa sarili ko, eh."

May isang bagay na muling gustong itanong si Cody. Hindi niya alam kung naitanong na niya ito noon, pero kung tatanungin niya ngayon iyon kay Serene, maaaring ibang sagot na ang makuha niya at makakuha pa siya ng mas malinaw na sagot.

"Kung...kung malalaman mo ba kung ano ang gusto mo...kung ano ang dapat mong gawin sa mundo...puwede bang maging rason 'yon para...para gustuhin mong mabuhay ulit?"

Serene, again, smiled bitterly.

"Cody, it's too late for that. I've given up already."

Parang naubos ang lahat ng pag-asa ni Cody sa isinagot ni Serene sa kaniya, pero gusto niya pa rin subukan.

"It's never too late for anything, Serene."

Serene sighed. "Look at what I've done this past month. I sell all the books Ate and I collected, and now, I stole my Mom's money just for them to loathe me. I've started all these. Kailangan kong tapusin 'to ayon sa napagplanuhan ko."

"Serene—"

"Cody, kahit magkaroon pa ako ng sampong dahilan para patuloy na mabuhay, hindi na puwede. Wala na akong babalikan. Nasimulan ko na. Sinira ko na ang buhay ko."

Tuluyan nang bumagsak ang mga balikat ni Cody, dahil buong akala niya, sa pananatili niya sa tabi ni Serene ay matutulungan niya ito. Pero sadyang hindi na maganda ang takbo ng utak ni Serene noong dumating siya sa buhay niya. Kahit siya, nawawalan na rin ng pag-asa na kaya niyang iligtas ang taong naging dahilan ng pagkabuhay niya.

"Serene... ano nang gagawin mo? Pagkatapos kang kamuhian ng Mama mo dahil sa ginawa mo... ano nang gagawin mo?"

Serene smiled. "Make them hate me even more," Serene stood up and looked at Cody. "Then lose myself afterwards."

Papasok na sana ulit si Serene sa loob nang magsalita ulit si Cody.

"You already lost yourself years ago, Serene. Isn't it enough? Why don't you find yourself now?"

Serene shook her head.

"I want to lose everything before actually leaving this world. I want to...loathe myself even more."

"But why? For what?" kunot-noo at naguguluhang tanong ni Cody.

"Para wala na akong dahilan na bumalik pa sakaling mabigyan ako ng pagkakataong bumalik. Ayoko na, Cody."

Cody sighed in desperation as he walked towards her. "Serene! I am here to save you. Alam mo 'yun, 'di ba? Kung hindi lang rin naman pala, bakit—"

Serene smiled. "You actually made me live longer, Cody. You already—"

"It's not enou—"

"—save me."

___

AUTHOR'S NOTE:

Hello. Please kindly correct me for the banking thingy. Alam kong hindi accurate 'tong pinaggagawa ko sa simula ng chapter na ito, and I will edit it when someone told me the right and accurate thing about sa bank.

Thanks!

And thanks for still reading! We're near the real deal. Hehe

-mari