TRIGGER WARNING!

This book contains content that some may find disturbing. Hallucinations, depression, pessimism in every chapter, suicidal thoughts and suicide will be tackled in this story.

Read at your own risk.

Chapter 08

How will you know that you're too dependent with someone?

Nang magising si Serene kinabukasan ay naalala niya ang pinangako niya kay Cody na yayakapin at magso-sorry siya sa kaniyang pamilya dahil alam niyang mali siya sa mga salitang kaniyang binitawan.

Totoo naman ang sinabi ni Cody—na base sa salita niya ay parang minaliit niya ang pagmamahal ng kaniyang pamilya sa kan'ya. Ang pamilya niyang ibinigay ang lahat sa kaniya, ang pamilya niyang inalagaan siya, binihisan, pinasaya, binuhay, pinag-aral at lahat na ng mabuting bagay sa mundo, mali nga namang maliitin niya ang pagmamahal ng kaniyang pamilya.

Pagkalabas niya ng k'warto ay nilapitan niya ang kaniyang ina na nakaupo sa harap ng makina nito habang nananahi. Niyakap niya ito mula sa likod at hinalikan sa pisngi.

"Good morning, 'Ma."

Napangiti si Lerma sa ginawa ng anak. "Oh, Serene, gising ka na pala. Mukhang maganda ang gising mo, ah?"

Ngumiti si Serene. "Okay lang, 'Ma. Uhm, 'Ma..."

"Oh?"

"Sorry po, ah?"

Nang sabihin 'yon ni Serene ay mabilis na nangilid ang luha niya ngunit sinigurado niyang hindi iyon tuluyang babagsak at hindi mahahalata ni Lerma.

"Saan?"

"Sa lahat. Basta sorry, 'Ma."

Ibinalik ni Lerma ang atensiyon sa makina tsaka itinuloy ang pananahi.

"Hay, nako. Kung ano man 'yang ipinagso-sorry mo, siguraduhin mo lang na hindi ka mapapahamak d'yan, baka mamaya kung ano na ang kalokohang ginagawa mo, ha?"

Napangiti si Serene. "Hindi, 'Ma. Wala akong ginagawa. Gusto ko lang mag-sorry."

"Sige na, sige na! Kumain ka na doon, kumain na kami ng Ate mo."

Tumango si Serene at pumunta sa hapag-kainan. Nakasalubong naman niya ang kaniyang Ate na mukhang kalalabas lang ng CR. Nilapitan niya ito ay niyakap.

"Ate..."

"Ano ba, Serene? Nakakapanibago ka, ah?" natatawang sabi ni Helene.

"Sorry, Ate."

"Saan ba? Ano bang nangyayari sa 'yo?"

"Basta sorry, okay? Sorry sa lahat."

Tinapik nito ang likuran niya at kumalas sa yakap. "Kumain ka na nga."

Tinawanan na lang niya ang kaniyang kapatid bago pumasok sa k'warto nito, dahil alam niyang hindi normal sa pamilya nila ang sweet sa isa't-isa. Pumunta na siya ng kusina at nagtimpla ng kape, tsaka kumain ng agahan.

***

Kinagabihan ay muli niyang nakasama si Cody sa madalas na tambayan nila—ang bubungan ng kanilang bahay. Nagbuga ng malalim na buntonghininga si Serene. Makikita rin ang ngiti nito sa kaniyang mga labi.

"You look happy."

Serene glanced at Cody. She smiled. "Yes, I am."

"You made it?" Nakangiting tumango si Serene bilang tugon. "Talaga?" hindi makapaniwalang tanong ni Cody.

Serene chuckled. "Yes. And I feel relieved."

Cody smiled. "You're doing better and better. Keep it up."

Naramdaman ni Serene ang pagbilis ng tibok ng puso niya. I'm doing better... "Am I?" she asked.

"Yup."

She rolled her eyes at him. "You're still leaving me anyway."

Cody chuckled in response. "At least, 'di ba?"

"Can't you stay?"

"Not leaving you means I failed."

"Fail me, then."

"Nope. I'll fail me if I stay with you until you want."

Napanguso si Serene sa narinig. "Why?"

"This is me, Serene. This is what I am and I am sorry."

Serene chuckled. "Nagtataka ako kung bakit wala akong kakaibang nararamdaman pagdating sa 'yo. You know? I like midnight deep talks with people and obviously, ang dalang ng gano'ng tao sa buhay ko. You were the only one, who, stayed for more than a month with constant midnight talks with me. Bakit kaya hindi pa ako nai-in love sa 'yo?"

Cody laughed at what she said. "Because you know yourself that you're not supposed to feel something for me."

"Why? I am not supposed to be in love with my then best friend but I still did. Now, nasaan siya ngayon? He left me just because of me, being in love with him." She chuckled bitterly.

"Do you want me to answer your why?"

Napanganga si Serene sa isinagot sa kaniya nito. Nag-iwas siya ng tingin sa kaniya nang makaramdam ng kaba. "Huwag na. Just let me enjoy this moment."

Cody laughed slightly. "Can you...tell stories about you and your then best friend?"

She laughed. "That's so cliché. You should know the story kahit hindi ko ikwento sa iyo. Lahat na yata ng tao naranasan 'yon."

"So do I."

"See? That's so not special anymore. Isa pa, matagal naman na 'yon. First year college pa ako no'n and I'm already over it."

He chuckled. "Hulaan ko, nagsulat ka na ng story about sa kan'ya, 'no? You know, when you used to write stories on a regular basis."

Suddenly, her smile became smaller. She suddenly missed her passion. Tingnan mo nga naman ang nagagawa ng depresiyon sa isang tao—nagagawa nitong alisin ang pagmamahal mo sa isang bagay na minsan mong kinabaliwan.

She heaved a deep sigh. "Of course."

"Title? So I can read."

Serene laughed as she glared at him. "No way, you'll never know the title. Iku-kwento ko na lang sa 'yo."

Cody chuckled. "I like that more than reading. Medyo tamad kasi ako sa totoo lang."

Serene laughed. "Medyo? Seriously? We're always lying on the roof dahil sabi mo ay gusto mo nang lagi kang nakahiga." natatawang sabi niya.

Cody laughed. "It was, sort of, my kind of exercise."

"Wow, I love your exercise."

They laughed in unison.

"Go. Kuwento ka na. I want to know everything that hurts you."

Serene laughed awkwardly. "Huh? Bakit naman?"

"So I'll know how to fix you."

It was the words that she wanted to hear from all the people around her. Those were the words that she's longing to hear from the people she's closest to. Pero hindi niya narinig; instead, those people were the ones who caused her too much scars in her heart.

"Oh? Bakit ka natigilan? Ahh, naga-gwapuhan ka na siguro sa akin? But Serene, no. We can't happen," pagbibiro nito sa kaniya.

Ngumiti si Serene bilang tugon sa pagbibiro nito. "You always give me the exact words I used to want to hear. You always say the words I never heard. You always give me the words I need to hear," she smiled timidly. "Why?"

Cody smiled before answering her question. "Everyone needs comforting words, right? I don't just give them, Serene. I give them truthfully. No lies, no sugar-coating. I want you to heal because of my true words. Ayokong pagaanin lang ang loob mo kahit na alam kong kasinungalingan lang ang lalabas sa bibig ko."

She smiled. "Thank you, Cody."

"Don't thank me. Say the story first before I stalk your writing account."

They both laughed, until Serene started to tell the story she wrote for her ex-best friend.

"It's unbelievable, but that story was the biggest hit for my writing career. Actually, sinimulan ko 'yon na, parang joke lang. I posted the teaser on Facebook, the prologue, et cetera. Hindi ko sineryoso 'yung pagsusulat ng story na 'yon, but when I reached the tenth chapter, readers started to message me, saying that they are looking forward to the story. That, they liked it, they laughed at the scenes and everything. Read counts started to grow, until I saw few posts about my stories from different Facebook pages with an excerpt from that story.

"Ang daming napasaya ng story na 'yon, Cody, kahit na alam kong once basahin ko 'yon ngayon ay maiinis na ako. It was so jeje, I still have to edit it. Ang dami rin inappropriate scenes doon na hindi ko dapat isulat. Nagtataka nga ako kung bakit hanggang ngayon, marami pa ring nagbabasa no'n. It already has almost five hundred thousand of reads. I still can't believe that I achieved that. It's true na hindi siya katulad ng ibang stories na umabot ng millions of reads, but, do you get me? A little less than five hundred thousand is so no joke. Lalo na para sa isang cringe-worthy story na isinulat ng isang 16-year-old girl."

They both laughed at what she last said.

"But that 16-year-old girl is now a lady. Now, tell me about the story."

Serene rolled her eyes at him. She though she can sneak with it. "Fine!"

She rolled her eyes that made him laughed.

"Hindi naman 'yon super tulad ng story namin ng dati kong best friend. I just...used his characteristics pati 'yong ibang conversation namin, inilagay ko lang ang story. Well, that story is about 2 people, being best friends since they were just 6, which, obviously, a fiction, dahil naging mag-best friend lang naman kami noong third year high school na kami.

"It was not the typical best friend stories na nagkatuluyan silang dalawa, because, obviously, hindi naman nangyayari 'yun madalas sa tunay na buhay. And, the girl on the story I wrote was a protagonist-antagonist. She was the bad guy in the story. Because the girl loved him so much, hindi niya hahayaang basta na lang na mapunta sa ibang babae ang mahal niya. Pinahirapan niya silang dalawa, sinaktan, pinapili...until she really ruined their lives."

She laughed after reminiscing the scenes she wrote.

"That's so OA, 'di ba? Who would love that? I don't even have any plans on reading that. Argh, those were the days na immature pa ako. I think I'll have sore eyes if ever I read that again,"

Cody smiled. "I loved it."

Serene laughed louder. "What? You haven't read the whole story. That story was about one hell of an immature brat who ruined her best friend's life just because she's selfish. Just because you love someone, just because you were someone's best friend doesn't give you the rights to hurt them, nor make them choose between his girlfriend over you, his best friend."

Cody laughed after hearing the long explanation from her. "I mean, I love the plot. Hanggang kailan ba tayo makakabasa ng stories about sa dalawang mag-best friend na nagka-in love-an pero hindi maamin kasi pareho silang duwag, pero in the end, ikakasal rin naman? You just made a masterpiece, Serene. You just made a plot twist for all the cliché best friend stories."

She scoffed. "But the way of writing is so, so dirty. I can't even stay for five minutes reading that..."

"You can always edit that when you have time."

She chuckled. "I have all the time in the world now, Cody. And I can't even write a single page of story."

They both became silent after what she said. After few seconds, Cody asked her.

"But...how did you come up with that kind of a plot? Nagawa mo ba talaga 'yon sa kaniya at sa girlfriend niya?"

She shook her head. "Nope. Those were all in my mind. Those were the things I want to do to them because they hurt me so much for leaving me behind. But I still didn't do because I can't just hurt them. I can't just...give the pain back to them when the pain that I'll get was three times the pain I caused them."

"Ohh..."

She chuckled. "That's how toxic my mind can be, Cody. I can do anything in my mind. I can even kill a person in my mind. But...I don't have the guts, strength...everything, to hurt someone in real life."

He nodded. "Do...you know his girlfriend? Or nakilala niya somewhere and hindi mo talaga siya kilala?"

Again, she smiled before answering. "She's one of the closest friends I have. Pinakilala ko siya sa best friend ko because I know that they should know each other. She's the closest to me, while he's my best friend. I didn't know that I'll become a bridge to their love story," she shrugged.

They felt the cold breeze kissed their skin. Napahawak si Serene sa dalawang balikat niya.

"So, kamusta na sila ngayon? Are they still together?"

Serene smiled bitterly. "Nope."

"Why?"

"He cheated. And the ones who he cheated with, is the one he's now in a relationship with."

"The fuck?" Cody laughed in disappointment. "Did you even imagine that your best friend will do that to her girlfriend?"

She sighed. "Well, naisip ko naman na. He used to be a third party noong high school kami. She likes this girl so much kaso may boyfriend. But my best friend is so handsome for them; naging sila habang may boyfriend 'yong babae. Buti na nga lang at hindi nasira ang relationship noong babae at totoong boyfriend nito, kung hindi, habang buhay akong uusigin ng konsensiya ko dahil madalas ay pinagtatakpan ko silang dalawa."

"Because you love him?"

Serene glanced at Cody and smiled a little. "Yup. And because he's my best friend."

Cody laughed. "Engot. If you're his best friend, you won't tolerate him."

"Well, I loved him."

"You're so dumb. What did he even do to you?"

"Bukod sa pasayahin niya ako, wala. I'm just happy whenever I'm with him. He saved me from my first heartbreak. He made me feel fine when I am crying over my first love. He made me smile, laugh, he made me feel belonged."

Tumatango-tango si Cody habang naririnig ang mga sinasabi ni Serene.

"Everyone can do that."

"Ewan ko. It just clicked, eh. I just suddenly feel the need to protect him at all cost. Kaso hindi ko naprotektahan ang sarili ko."

"But you two were best friends. He should, at least, consider your friendship instead of just leaving you behind just because you said that you love him."

She chuckled a little. "Ako lang naman siguro ang nag-assume na mag-best friend kami. Hindi niya nga ako matawag ng best friend. Hindi niya rin ako maipakilala sa kaibigan niya bilang kaibigan niya man lang. He always introduced me as his classmate when we were high school. Imagine the pain that I've felt that time, Cody. Imagine the scars that I still have because of that."

Bahagyang napaawang ang bibig ni Cody nang may mapagtantong isang bagay sa pagkatao ni Serene.

Serene's best friend was part of the reason why she's like this now. Kung bakit pakiramdam ni Serene ngayon ay wala na siyang pag-asa pa.

"But...why is he like that? Ikinakahiya ka ba niya?"

She shrugged. "Pinapakita naman niya sa other friends niya na close kami. Hindi niya lang ako maipakilala bilang kaibigan niya, formally, like what I always do whenever I introduced him to my friends. Alam ko naman, he's just afraid to be laughed off. I was a bully victim. Dala ko 'yon hanggang college—hanggang ngayon. He clearly said that their classmates were laughing because of me. I mean, am I a laughing stock? Dahil ba ganito ako, dapat na akong pagtawanan? That is why hindi ko rin siya masisi kung bakit hindi na kami magkaibigan ngayon."

"What's wrong with you? Bakit ka naman nila pinagtatawanan? I can't see anything wrong whenever I'm looking at you."

Serene laughed, couldn't believe what she just hear. Dati lang ay wala pa siyang sinasabi sa mga tao na dahilan kung bakit siya na-bully, alam na ng mga ito kung ano.

But with Cody, she felt... normal.

"I am so thin, Cody. They were laughing because any time I can break into pieces daw, or tangayin ng hangin; that I can die in just three coughs," she laughed. "Those assholes, how can they make fun of death? I can't even talk about that noong mga oras na 'yon."

Naupo si Cody mula sa pagkakahiga sa bubungan at tiningnan nang maigi si Serene.

"Why are you laughing? Serene, those bastards took away your self-esteem. They ruined your life. They practically killed the other you, and now you're laughing while saying those things about you?" Kunot ang noo ni Cody habang sinasabi ang mga bagay na 'yon sa nakahigang si Serene. He can't believe that she said those things like it's just nothing, when, clearly, those things were one of the reasons why the Serene now is a mess.

Naupo na rin si Serene katulad ni Cody na nasa harap niya.

"If I cry, would it make sense? Will they bow their head to me and say sorry? Cody, hindi. They made fun of me in my whole life and those were the things that are making their ego intact. 'Yon ang nagpapakain sa ego nila and hindi ko mapipigilan 'yon. It's already in their nature—to make fun of someone who's not acceptable in their eyes. I ignored them already. I moved on already. Crying now will not make any changes."

Bahagyang napanganga si Cody sa isinagot niya. Based on his facial expression, he didn't expect something like this from her.

"But...you should not, at least, laugh about it..."

She smiled timidly. "It was a defense mechanism, Cody. Laughing and smiling is the best way to cover up the pain."

He sighed. "I told you, I want to know everything that hurts you. You're not allowed to cover up your pain whenever you are with me. If you're vulnerable, then be vulnerable. If you want to cry, then fucking cry. If you want to curse, then fucking curse at me, I don't fucking care. If you want to die, tell me so I can knock your head and put some senses in you that life is way more beautiful than what you've ever imagined. Just don't pretend to be a beautiful flower in front of me when your leaves and roots inside you were already dying. Just...just be a mess in front of me. Just be real in front of me..."

Serene just stared at him without any emotions in her face. She didn't know what to react. Cody was just so perfect for her, he can't be real. Is he even real?

Iniangat niya ang kaniyang kamay para hawakan ang mukha nito. She wants to see kung totoo ba talagang tao si Cody. And when her palm touches his face, his soft skin in his face, he caressed it.

Fuck, he's real.

"Made me feel something for you, Cody."

His forehead creased. "What?"

"I...I just feel like if I fell in love with you, I won't be hurt anymore. I just can't let someone like you go..."

Cody chuckled. "Serene...how did we even get here?"

She smiled. "I'm just kidding."

"You'll find someone who will perfectly match with you."

But inside her heart, she knows that she can never love him even though she badly wants to.