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"It's Slipping Through Your Fingers Like Sand"
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The dilute tortoiseshell's claws ticked against the ground, a nervous habit she had developed.

The truth was, confined spaces scared Dawnclaw, but it was no phobia.

And the medicine den was very small.

"And how did you feel?" Swiftear said quietly, gentleness easing his low voice. 

"I felt.. I don't know!" Sablekit's face was crumpled in frustration, and Swiftear hushed him calmly.

"It's okay to not understand your feelings. Were you angry? Sad? Scared? Happy?" Swiftear prompted. Dawnclaw listened attentively. 

Sablekit puzzled over this for a moment, and cast a fleeting glance at Dawnclaw. He looked back at Swiftear, and then to the ground.

"I was sad. I knew I was different, that something was missing. I watched the other kits a lot and realised I didn't love like they did. I didn't know what was right and what was wrong. And that made me scared and angry. I though I was a monster. I thought I was.. that word you said." His words were directed at Swiftear.

"An abnormality." Swiftear said quietly.

"Yeah, that. And then I was angry. I wanted to hurt the other kits. I wanted to hurt them in bad ways because I thought it was their fault that I was different. Then I wanted to hurt Dawnclaw and Pinetuft for the same reason." His voice was so matter of fact and calm, and a thought surfaced in Dawnclaw, so horrific that she almost gagged.

What if Sablekit had murdered Bearkit?

"Do you still want to hurt other cats?" Swiftear asked.

"No. I know it's wrong now. That's what I told Aquiver. She said that's good. But she's strange. It is good, right?" He asked, innocence intertwining in his mew.

Relief washed over Dawnclaw. Sablekit didn't do it. Unless he was lying...

"That's right. Hurting other cats is wrong, unless we're having a battle, and even then, we shouldn't kill, and try to avoid anything too serious." Swiftear replied. "Are you still sad?" He asked.

"Yes. I don't know why. I still feel sad a lot.  But I'm not afraid anymore. Now I understand that I'm sick. My head is sick. And all this talking helps my head get better."

Dawnclaw couldn't help but smile at his response. He really was getting better.

"But Swiftear, I'm still a little scared. I don't feel better yet. Not really. I still don't love anyone properly! I still think about doing some things that are bad, because I don't realise they're wrong!"  Sablekit's eyes were wide, and his body shifted slightly, so that he was as far away from Dawnclaw as he could be without it being obvious.

"That's okay. It takes some time. Being an apprentice soon will help you. You'll have responsibilities, and Aquiver says that it'll help you." Swiftear smiled at Dawnclaw.

"Now, Dawnclaw, how did you feel before Sablekit was diagnosed?" Swiftear asked her. He turned to her. Yet Sablekit stayed in the same position, turned away from her.

"I was anxious, and busy. Looking after five kits when you didn't plan for any is hard. But I loved them. All of them. Even if I did neglect you, Sablekit."

Swiftear narrowed his eyes. "And now?" 

"Now I feel differently. I was worried about you, Sablekit. But now I'm happier, I know what's going on and how you feel. " She began to address Swiftear, understanding that he narrowed his eyes to warn her, Sablekit still didn't like interacting with her. 

"I'm still very guilty though. I want to repair him, Swiftear, but I can't. But he can get over this. In all honesty, I'm not sure what I feel." She continued.

"Alright, that's good. Sablekit, do you think you will be able to love Dawnclaw?"  Swiftear asked.

Sablekit was silent.

Dawnclaw's claws were scraping now.

"I don't know!" The black kit burst out.
"I just.. don't know. Dawnclaw.. inside, I thought she didn't care about me. I didn't develop love properly. I don't know if I can love her without forgiving her.. or forgive her without loving her. But I can't do both. And I can't do either yet."

Sablekit refused to meet her eyes, his paw was trembling.

And each word felt like flames.

They burned inside Dawnclaw, filling her with a heat so hot it numbed her; she couldn't pinpoint it's place.

"Sablekit, why do you think you can't do both in the future?" Swiftear asked, his tone still calm and gentle.

But Sablekit had withdrawn. He refused to speak another word, he refused to look at anyone.

After a long silence, Swiftear forced a smile.
"It's okay, we all have setbacks. You did very well, Sablekit. You can both go."

○ ○ ○

And Dawnclaw found herself running again.

Her paws hurt when they pounded against the ground, but she didn't care.

"Dawnclaw!" A voice called out.

It was Rainfleck and his patrol, consisting of himself, Finchface, Fishpaw and Waspwhisker.

"We're hunting. Want to join?" He asked cheerily.

But his fear scent proved otherwise.

"Why not?" She mumbled, ambling over to them.

The group walked in silence, though the melancholy air and the stench of fear were overwhelming.
The murder of Bearkit had really shaken up SpruceClan.

A scent hit Dawnclaw's nostrils, she spun around sharply.

A vole!

She immediately pounced, but her reflexes were rusty. The vole scuttled away, and Dawnclaw after it.

She gave a good chase, but the vole disappeared. She gave a hiss of anger, and Waspwhisker rested his tail across her back.
"You've been in the nursery for five moons. You're not going to come back easily! Minkfoot didn't." He smiled.

But Dawnclaw wasn't listening. A small caught her nose, and she began to shake.

It couldn't be.

Her companions caught it too, and their hackles raised by instinct.

Waspwhisker crept forward, his cream pelt fluffed up.

And then they saw it.

An OakClan apprentice, dead.

The smell of death had filled the air, and Dawnclaw's reaction was her usual, she vomited.

But this death was different to others.

The throat and stomach were slit.  Fresh kill was stuffed into it, the cat was bloated from the prey shoved inside them after they had died.

Dried blood caked the grass, but nothing was more shocking than the sight of the symbol carved into the cat's back.

Except maybe for the heart that had been pushed into their gaping mouth.

Bearkit's heart.

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Fact Of The Chapter: Cherrystream doesn't love Pinetuft. She just wants what she can't have.