ELENORA

The weeks that followed Rico's birthday have been hard.

When we came home that night, my mom put up a fuss about us not staying out and enjoying ourselves. We assured her we wanted to be home; to be with Matty.

But looking back, I can't help but wonder if that was the last night Rico and I could have spent some quality alone time together.

Matty was restless and wouldn't sleep long. The pattern of changing him, feeding him, and burping him was on an endless loop, every two hours. The next night was even worse and I was worried something was wrong.

When I called Pia she informed me he was more than likely going through a growth spurt and was needing to cluster feed.

She encouraged me to be patient and not to worry that it wouldn't last long, and that it was perfectly fine to switch or supplement with formula and let Rico help with the night feedings, but I was determined to push through and keep up with it.

I'm pretty sure there was a span of three to four days at a time, where I went without showering because I was dead tired.

I was beyond cranky and short with Rico, too, from the lack of sleep. He'd get up to help change Matty and then hand him to me to feed but then he wouldn't stay in the room and I'd wonder where'd he go. There were some mornings where he wasn't in our bed, either.

And to add to the mess of everything, I ended up getting my period last week, which didn't help my crazy mood swings.

But things seemed to be settling now, into a somewhat functional routine with Matty now.

However, things with Rico and I are strained. A crazy part of me feels like he's put off by my body now. There've been more than a few nights where I'd wake up with my shirt soaking wet from my leaking boobs, despite using the nursing pads.

Despite the insecurities that I've been feeling, I've been trying to make an effort to spice things up by wearing some satin, lace night dresses or some classy lingerie pieces to bed.

Aside from a few double takes, I catch him doing, Rico hasn't made any attempt to touch me and with each day that goes by my heart breaks a little more.

I push my worries aside as I sit with Clara in the doctor's office waiting to see the gynecologist Pia referred me to, for my first postpartum appointment. Ciccio and Smiley are waiting in the car for me.

Matty makes little sounds as he moves against my chest nuzzled in the baby wrap I have him in and I kiss his head, brushing his hair to the side.

Once I'm called back, Clara holds Matty while I go through my check up. They do the usual checks and then ask me if I have any immediate concerns.

"Are you nursing or using formula?"

"Nursing."

"And how is that going?"

"Good, I think I'm starting to get the hang of it finally, there's been a few rough patches but I think we're in a good spot."

"Great. And how are you feeling? Besides being tired, I'm sure," The Dr. gives me a sympathetic smile. "Are you overwhelmed? Anxious? Having trouble sleeping?"

"I mean, it's normal to be overwhelmed and anxious after having a baby, right?" I respond with a nervous laugh.

"Yes, of course, but do you feel so overwhelmed that you're having dark thoughts? Thoughts of self harm or maybe towards the baby? Extreme feelings of guilt, despair or hopelessness?"

"No, nothing like that," I state.

"Do you eat well balanced meals? Drinking lots of water?" The doctor asks while looking at my chart. "You've lost quite a bit of weight which may be attributed to water loss and nursing also burns extra calories."

"I'm trying to eat well most of the time and yes I drink a lot of water."

The Dr stands. "Great, well, please don't hesitate to call our office or your general physician if anything changes in regards to your feelings and thoughts. Now, we are going to do a pelvic exam to see how you are healing, as well as do a pap smear test and give you a breast exam, okay?"

I lay back on the table and the gown I'm wearing is pulled down from the top as the Dr explains he'll be checking for any abnormalities and lumps in my breast. "Sometimes they feel lumpy, I respond and he moves his fingers near my armpit and progresses in prodding circular motion towards my nipple.

"That can be normal with breastfeeding, usually you can break them up with massaging your breast or even involve your partner in helping you. Most husbands wouldn't complain in assisting with that." He tries to joke.

Sure, if the husband wasn't turned off by their wife or partner like Rico is.

"Rico for sure wouldn't mind giving you a hand, Nora," Clara adds laughing as she pats Matty's back holding him over her shoulder. I fake a chuckle in agreement.

"Okay, I need you to scoot down to the edge of the table," He says as he puts gloves on his hands. "Now just let your legs fall open."

I try to do as he says but he gently pushes them open wider and then puts some lubricant on his fingers. "I'm going to check your cervix and also feel the placement and size of your uterus." He inserts his fingers inside and I tense up at awkwardness while his other hand presses on my lower belly. "Any pain?"

I shake my head. "No, no pain."

"Good. Now I'm going to conduct the pap smear to collect a sample of your cells to make sure there are no abnormalities."

I breath through the uncomfortable feeling but it's over rather quick. "Before we have you get dressed have you decided on what kind of birth control method you are going to be using? IUD, oral contraceptives, or condoms?"

"Um, I'd like to try the shot," I tell him.

"You hate needles," Clara speaks up.

"I know, but I'd forget to remember to take the pill and condoms are great, but you know sometimes in the heat of the moment..." I shrug, my face grows red. "And I think I read too many horror stories on the IUD to try it."

"It's completely up to you," The Doctor states as he finishes writing notes. "I'll get the nurse to give you the shot, and if you find after the first three months you don't like it or you have any negative side effects we can always look at something different or have condoms on hand as a backup. And you mentioned you had your first period postpartum, how long ago?"

"It was last week, about six days ago, it lasted four days, which is shorter than I'm used to, but I'm not complaining," I laugh.

"Changes in periods postpartum is normal, and the shot will sometimes make it irregular, too. But since you're within a week of your period it will be effective immediately; you can always use condoms for the first ten days if you want to be safe." The Doctor finishes up and walks out to let me get dressed.

"Hey, are you okay?" Clara asks me.

"Yeah, why?" I pull my shirt over my head.

"I don't know you, you seem off...a little bit," She says quietly. "You know you can talk to me, right?"

I meet her worried eyes, but before I can say anything, the nurse walks in. "Alright, let's give you this shot and get you going." She smiles and then coos over at Matty who's looking around the room curiously on Clara's lap. His little eyes find mine and he smiles and I smile back at him.

"Oh my gosh, he just smiled at you!" Clara exclaims as she looks down at him. "He has Rico's smirk doesn't he?"

"Yeah, he does," I agree and blink rapidly trying to keep myself from crying.

"What a sweet little guy," The nurse comments. "Well, my dear, where would you like it, the arm or your bum?"

"My arm."

"There we are; we'll set up your next year's appointment on the way out," The nurse tells me.

On the way out, before we reach the car, Clara grabs me by my arm. "You're not foolin' me, girl. What's going on?"

"Nothing," I tell her as I shift Matty in my arms.

"That's it. We're doing some retail therapy." She pulls me towards the car.

"Everything copacetic?" Smiley asks with his usual bored expression when we approach.

"Yup."

He takes the baby bag from me and Ciccio takes Matty to put him in the car seat.

"We're going to the mall, fellas," Clara states, putting her seat belt on.

"Boss is going to be home soon from his business trip, Nora. You sure you don't want to head home?" Ciccio asks.

I look over at Clara and then back at Ciccio. "Yes, I'm sure. It's not like he'd notice if I was there anyway," I mutter while putting my seat belt on.

"What was that?" He asks, but I shake my head and wave him off.

"I heard that." Clara leans over whispering; concern on her face.

"Later." I say simply and look out the window as we drive to the mall.

___________________

"Okay, spill, what the hell is going on?" Clara states as we walk into Victoria Secret knowing the guys wouldn't follow us in.

"I don't know exactly," I begin.

"It feels like Rico is pulling away from me. Things have been different since his birthday. We haven't really spent any time together like we were even after we had Matty, we'd watch movies, Netflix, sure we'd pass out from being tired, but we were together."

I sigh, running my fingers through some of the silk cami dresses. "I know I don't look the same as I did before Matty." I hold back tears. "But what if he's with someone else, because I'm disgusting, now."

"What?" Clara exclaims, causing a few people to look over at us. "I know you are not talking about my gorgeous friend like that! You do realize you carried and birthed a little human, right?"

" I'm not ashamed of that, but I feel like Rico's turned off by me now. He hasn't touched me in weeks. When he kisses me it's on the head or on my hands."

"Nora, it took months for your body to change, you can't realistically expect to be back to your old self so soon, Matty's only six weeks old, for crying out loud. When we get back to your house I'm going to knock some sense into Rico, myself."

"No don't, please," I plead with her.

"Fine, but you can't stop me from giving him I'm smashing your head against the wall eyes when I see him."

I laugh. "Go for it."

She hands me a few things to buy, trying to get me excited to wear but I still feel like it will be pointless. After stopping at a couple of other stores, I find myself laughing and not thinking about what's been on my mind for a while.

"I need to change Matty and feed him," I tell her as we come near a restroom.

"Okay, let's change him and then grab something to eat at the foodcourt." She tells me as we walk into the bathroom.

Afterward, we tell Ciccio we plan to eat at the food court.

"Go find a spot and I'll grab us food. Chuckles, you can come with me," Clara says, teasing Smiley who glares at her.

I walk to a less populated area and hand Matty to Ciccio while I get set up. He hands Matty to me and I slip him under the cover and he latches on to me hungrily. I chuckle to myself as Ciccio still stands in front of me.

Clara and Smiley return with a variety of food as I burp Matty. "I got a little of everything that sounded good," She announces. "I figure what we don't eat the guys will, right fellas?"

"I'll hold Matty while you eat," Ciccio offers. I thank him, handing him the burp cloth and then Matty.

"Let's show mamma how good we can get you to burp, little man," He says as he starts patting his back.

"Wish I had men dying to hold me all the time like Matty," Clara says as she eats a couple of fries.

"What are you talking about? You have Domani." I take a bite of the cobb salad before I decide I need to add more Ranch dressing.

"True but he's been busy, lately, and he went on this trip with Rico," She says as she hands the fries over to Smiley who stares at them for a moment before reaching a large hand to grab a few.

"So that lingerie is more of a welcome home gift." I wiggle my eyebrows at her and she laughs.

She smirks. "Maybe."

Ciccio grabs a slice of pizza and eats it as he bounces Matty in his arm. We continue eating and talking when a voice I would never have expected to hear, especially in a mall, causes us to all freeze.

"Oh my goodness, this must be little Mateo; he's beautiful."

Smiley immediately stands, moving in front of Ciccio and Ciccio hands me Matty as he too stands.

Rosetta cackles. "Easy, boys. You seriously don't think I would cause any harm to a baby now would you?"

"Hmm, if history serves us right, you thrive on crowded places, Rosetta," Clara also stands now glaring at her.

"I'm sorry, what was your name again, dear?" Rosetta looks down at Clara like she's beneath her.

"You think I give a fuck whether you know who I am or not, Cruella?" Clara responds, "But since you asked, I'm the bitch who would be more than happy to send you back to the hell you came from."

"Classy." Rosetta sneers at her before she turns her focus on me or rather on Matty. Her eyes appear to soften as she looks at him.

"He looks so much like Rico did as a baby," She says as she steps closer but Ciccio and Smiley move in her way.

"I know it's hard to believe, but I didn't intend for things to get out of hand the way they did, Nora." She tells me and tries to move around Ciccio and Smiley again, but they move when she does. "Rico is like a son to me and I miss him, Nora."

"You say that like it's my fault you drove him away, Rosetta."

"No, no. That's not what I mean. I just..." She sighs. "I shouldn't even ask but may I hold him? Please?"

The cruel part of me wants to say no immediately, but as I look down at Matty and realize hate doesn't drive out hate. I kiss Matty as he looks at me sleepily.

"Ciccio, Smiley." I stand behind them, but Ciccio doesn't turn like Smiley.

"Nora..." Ciccio says my name firmly.

"It's okay, Ciccio." I step between them and stand in front of Rosetta. Her eyes glisten as I hand Matty to her. She cradles him in her arms and brings him closer to her and inhales his scent.

"It's been a long time since I've smelled that wonderful baby smell." She smiles. "Is he a good sleeper?"

"He's getting there, but I read there's regression when babies have growth spurts."

"I remember my sister would say Rico was a terrible sleeper, he loved to be held though," She rocks Mateo in her arms.

He starts whimpering and she shushes him but that only makes him cry harder and I reach out for him, but she keeps holding on to him trying to console him.

"Rosetta," Ciccio says her name low; she glares at him before she hands Matty back.

"I guess it's true what they say, babies recognize evil," Clara states with a smile on her face as I move back towards her. I give her a disapproving look and she shrugs in response.

"Thank you for letting me hold him, Nora. That was very kind of you. I know Rico would probably not be okay with that, but thank you nonetheless," Rosetta repeats.

"I didn't do it for you or for Rico. I did it because you need to know that not everything is done with an ulterior motive behind it. And despite everything bad that you've done, I want you to see that love always brings hope."

Rosetta looks at me for a moment before she nods. "Maybe you can let Rico know that I miss him."

I shake my head. "No, I'm not playing your games, Rosetta. You want to make things right with Rico, only you can do that."

She nods at me again and turns away with her two henchmen and I breathe a sigh of relief.

"You know boss isn't going to like that she was here, let alone held Matty, Nora," Cicco tells me as we gather up our things to leave, too.

For a moment, I realize how angry Rico will be, but considering the fact that we've hardly spoken to each other in the last few weeks, I think that's the least of our worries.

***