Jungkook

I slam the door shut behind me as indescribable rage travels through my entire body. I am angry at everything, but especially at myself. Normally I can keep my emotions bottled up, but today I let them run wild.

I pace up and down my office, letting out a loud sigh that bounces off the walls and echoes through my ears. The tie around my neck feels so tight I think I'm about to choke, so I loosen it. It hangs around my neck before I unbutton the top two buttons.

I always felt numb, years of practice at hiding feelings have made me who I am today. But as I grew closer to Mikayla, things I didn't even know I could still feel began to surface.

I place my hands on the edge of my wooden desk and let my head hang between my arms. Closing my eyes and breathing deeply is how I usually cope with these overwhelming emotions, but today it doesn't seem to do any good.

She's the one who can keep my broken self in check, the one who manages to make me more than just the empty shell that gets out of bed every day. She's the one whose voice gives me strength, the one who brings life to my dark days with her bubbly personality.

And I've fucked it all up.

I drop back in my chair and throw my head back before closing my eyes. Unintentionally, memories of yesterday and the conversation today flash through my mind and I can't help but feel worse than I do.

I was so ready to eagerly get even closer to her after all this time. Not just physically, but in the most intimate way that exists. I was ready to explore her body, to see new sides of her that I could have only dreamed of.

When she told me she had never had sex with anyone, I was beyond shocked. Not because I minded that she is a virgin. Just the opposite, in fact. I wouldn't have thought that a woman as attractive as Mikayla wouldn't have connected with anyone in that way.

I don't know why, but being told this information made me feel insecure. Everything happened so fast that I went from kissing her at the doorstep to suddenly finding myself sitting on her sofa with her on my lap.

I had so much pending sexual frustration and overall wanting and my longing for her was so great that my head was cloudy and I couldn't think properly. So in a way, I am glad that Mikayla found the courage to share such private things with me in between kisses and touches.

I would never have forgiven myself if I had been guilty of making her regret it afterward because she didn't have the heart to tell me just because I was too impatient to wait.

It has been like this my whole life. Insecurities have screwed up my interactions with people and so many other things. I'm not trying to make excuses for my mistake of hurting her, but maybe that's what I'm doing.

I don't know any better. I've never done better.

I've been in therapy, yes, but it seems like that was only temporary help. Maybe I need to go back to that time and seek help again. I'm tired of my mentality ruining every relationship in my life.

I don't care about others, but Mikayla is important to me.

Maybe she won't understand. The way I reacted, I mean. There are very few people who can form empathy or even know exactly how I feel. I don't wish anyone to go through what I go through on a daily basis, but in a way, it might actually be relieving to know that someone can relate.

I wish I could turn back time and undo what was said and done. Hurting Mikayla was the last thing I would have wanted and yet I managed to hurt her in a way she didn't even see coming.

When I told her that it would probably be better if we stopped, I didn't think that the first thought she would have would be that she was not enough. If only I could explain to her in the right words how crazy she drives me.

I've never been one to express myself well and that often led to people misunderstanding me or thinking I was just being rude. It's not something I can control, although I so wish I could.

I learned to write down my thoughts and unsaid words because it was a suggestion from my therapist. It helped, but it seems I am still not in a place where I can express my thoughts without hurting the people I care about.

Insecurities, depression, and anxiety disorders drain you in so many ways, and by the time you realize it it is often too late. When the realization hits, you are just a numb shell and it is hard to get back to the way you used to be.

These mental problems slowly eat you up from the inside. Like an insatiable parasite, demanding more and more of you.

I thought that if Mikayla had waited so long for the moment to be intimate with someone for the first time, maybe she would want to do it with someone special to her. The thought that the special person could be me didn't even cross my mind for a second.

She is special to me and I believe in our connection not being an ordinary one, but sometimes the demons in my head are so loud I can't hear my heart. I hate it, I hate it so much.

I don't know my worth and I don't know if I am any good to other people. All I'm good at is running the company and that's not even something I've done on my own.

Mikayla is the one I want to be with. But at the same time, I'm so scared that my issues will keep me from giving her what she deserves. I'm scared of the idea of being the cause of a broken heart for her.

And I'm even more terrified of the idea that one day she'll get tired of me and I'll fall back into the hole I'm in.

"Fuck." I grumble, taking the pencil holder and letting it fly against the wall with the rising disappointment and anger, making the pencils in it jump in every conceivable direction.

"Woah there, tiger. Slow down." I hear Jimin's voice. He walks into my office and I didn't even hear the door open and close.

"Not now, Jimin," I say, trying to sound calm. "I want to be alone."

"So you can tear the whole company apart?" he asks sarcastically and I roll my eyes. "I don't think so." he sits down in the chair on the other side of my desk.

I ignore him and flip open my laptop, pretending to work and all is well. His eyes on my every move irritate me more than I want to admit and for the first time, I wish he would just leave me alone so I don't end up hurting him too.

Because it seems like it's the only thing I know how to do.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong or do I have to fight it out of you again?" he asks after a few minutes.

"It's nothing," I reply dryly, clicking through the unopened emails.

"We both know what happened when you said the same thing a few years ago," he counters, and I can hear the unease in his voice. I look over at him and I don't like the sight of his eyebrows drawn together. I like it even less that I'm the cause of his worry.

I take a breath and let out a longer one. I rub my eyes with my thumb and forefinger before slamming the laptop shut and standing up. The view of the city from up here always makes me think rationally even when I'm bad at it.

Jimin has always been by my side, through thick and thin. I owe him a lot and I wouldn't trade our friendship for anything. He's the only one who has selflessly helped me through my difficult times, and he always knows when I'm in trouble.

I sigh. "I messed things up, Jimin." I finally say, turning back to him.

"You mean Mikayla?" he asks. Damn, he's too good at reading me. I nod and he lets out a thinking noise. He leans back in his chair like he saw it coming.

"I'm an idiot." I shake my head, laughing bitterly.

"You want to tell me what happened?" he suggests. I appreciate that he's asking if I'm okay with opening up to him instead of demanding that I tell him.

"We went out to get ice cream when we drove by her favorite store. I walked her home afterward." I begin and Jimin smiles as he listens. "When we got to her house, things started to get a little...heated. But then I stopped because I wasn't sure if it was just the heat of the moment or if it was really me she wanted."

He scratches his chin. "Did you ask her?"

"I didn't." I drop my head. "I just left despite the hurt look on her face. I thought it was for the best, Jimin, but it wasn't. We had a fight after the meeting this morning." I exhale.

I feel bad because now I have to think again about all the things she said to me. Every word was like a sword of truth and it hit me harder than I would have thought. She is right because deep down, I can imagine how the people around me see me, but what comes to the surface is always something else and I end up saying things I don't want to.

I need to learn to love myself, but it's easier said than done. I want to do it, but I have issues that keep me from achieving it.

"I saw her leave with Ethan," Jimin says with a raised eyebrow.

"I know, I saw them too." I gesture with my hand to the pencil holder, which is now broken on the floor. "That's why."

"So, what are you going to do about it?" he asks.

"What do you mean?"

He throws his head back. "The audacity you have to even ask that! Seriously, Jungkook. Are you going to sit here, throwing things around because some idiot will do better than you?"

I press my lips into a straight line. I don't like what he said, but I see the truth behind it. Ethan is not a man who deserves Mikayla. And I'm not saying that because I think I'm better than him, no. I've known Ethan for years and I've never liked him.

Not because his trash talk annoys me or I think it's absurd that he's always golfing like a retiree. I know what type of man Ethan is because I can see it. And I still haven't forgotten the scandal from years ago that circled around when he got a woman pregnant and wanted to cover up those rumors with money.

Actually, I'm an idiot for letting Mikayla be alone with him.

"Or will you run after the woman who managed to awaken feelings in you? I've never seen you like this, Jungkook." he continues.

"It's not easy, Jimin," I admit honestly.

His expression changes. I don't want anyone's pity, but it's half the trouble because he's my best friend. "I know it's not." he nods empathetically. "But it's either you fight or you regret it for the rest of your life."

I take a few minutes to let his words sink in.

As much as I think I might not be right for a woman as perfect as Mikayla, Jimin's words stir something inside me. I don't know if I could stand to see Mikayla with someone else. Hearing her laugh, but knowing that it is for another man.

Would it be fair for me to be selfish this one time?

I take a deep breath, gathering my courage. Jimin's smile widens as he sees the burst of confidence in my eyes and I quickly grab my keys and phone.

Not wasting another second, I jog out of my office, leaving Jimin behind, who shouts something after me that I don't understand. The elevator ride down to the parking garage feels like it takes longer than half my life, but after the doors slide open, I make my way to my car.

Insecurities and so many thoughts buzz in my head as I drive out onto the street and toward Mikayla's apartment. I'm pathetic for nearly making her cry, but now trying to keep Ethan from making a move on her.

I have no right to take away her freedom to choose who she wants to hang out with because I'm no one to her. And yet, after my conversation with Jimin, I don't have it in me to just sit in my office and wait for another man to do better than me.

I want to prove to Mikayla that I care about her. Hell, I haven't even told her how I feel about her. She is in my head every second of the day and my eyes are constantly searching for her.

I want to spend time with her because she is the only person in this world that makes me feel like a human being. She sees things in me and brings out feelings that I thought had died out long ago. Her laughter lights up my day and her mouth. God, I love it so much when she talks.

But it's not just that. She is the kindest, most genuine person I have ever met. She is selfless, supportive, and never judgmental. Her heart must be protected at all costs because it's not every day that people are as open and honest as she is.

When she looks at me and smiles, I forget everything around me. All I can do is just stare into her bright hazel eyes. Or at her addictive mouth. I love kissing her, the way her breath catches when I get closer or she looks away shyly when I stare longer than she can tolerate.

She's fucking perfect.

I race through the streets, inwardly hoping Ethan is driving her home and hasn't talked her into taking her somewhere else. I don't know what the two of them agreed on, but I wouldn't hesitate to wait outside her front door until she came back.

Turning into the familiar street, I see the building her apartment is in and park the car. I can't see much of the place because the parking lot is further away than I think is fortunate.

Getting out of the car, I head in that direction, but stop in my tracks when I spot them. I don't know how fast I was going or how slow Ethan was driving on purpose, but I'm glad we arrived at about the same time.

I hate it, but the thoughts in my head keep me from walking any further in their direction and I watch the interaction between the two of them. What if he kisses her? And what if she kisses him back?

I shake my head, hoping Ethan will leave quickly so I can work it out between Mikayla and me. But what I see next keeps me from staying calm. Blood boils in all my veins and every alarm bell in my body rings.

Ethan is holding Mikayla tighter on her arm than I think is nice, and I can see her flinch from this distance due to the grip. My legs work on their own and I run toward her with long strides and a scowl.

In the next moment, I barely catch Mikayla hitting Ethan between the legs with her knee before he buckles forward in pain. But his grip on her arm doesn't let go and he yells at her.

That bastard.

"Ethan!" my voice booms through the empty street, making him look around.

When our eyes meet, he rolls his eyes and pulls Mikayla closer to him, who struggles to get away from him without success. I can see the fear in her beautiful eyes and every cell in my body burns with rage.

"What do you want, Jeon?" he asks with a boldness I don't know where it comes from.

"Let her the fuck go," I grumble as I stop just two steps in front of them. "I'm not going to say it again."

"We're just talking and I don't think you're in a position where you're allowed to interfere," he says with a sneer. "Aren't you her boss or is there something I don't know?"

"It's none of your business," I counter, stepping closer. "Let her go."

I place my hand on his around her arm and feel how tight his grip is. I want to take his filthy fingers off her, but I'm afraid that in the process I might unintentionally hurt her.

"What could you possibly do? Sue me?" he hisses. I've never seen him like this before, but it honestly doesn't surprise me one bit. "I hate that you're there every time I have a moment with her. It's literally so annoying—"

I don't give him a chance to finish his sentence as my fist comes into contact with his cheek. He stumbles back a little and pulls Mikayla with him, but I hold her by her other arm before Ethan falls to the ground.

I'm not a person whose first resort is violence, but I've told him twice to let go. So, if after asking him repeatedly, he doesn't do what's demanded of him, I'm going to be fucking violent.

He coughs up blood and spits it out on the asphalt below him. I hadn't swung a fist since high school and possibly underestimated my strength, but I don't give a shit.

Mikayla looks down at Ethan in shock before her gaze falls on me. My eyes soften because of her condition and before Ethan can get up, I gently grab her hand and pull her away from this place.

Ethan doesn't follow us, which is fortunate for him as I lead Mikayla to my car. I don't want her to stay in her apartment today because I don't know what this psychopath is capable of even if I wouldn't have left her alone anyway.

She does not protest and follows me with quick steps. No word falls between us because I don't know what to say to everything that happened. The last thing I wanted her to see of me is me hitting someone, but it wasn't like I had any other choice.

Maybe I had and am just looking for an excuse to make myself feel better. But I push these thoughts into a forgotten corner in my head and start the engine after helping to buckle Mikayla up.

She's quiet the entire ride and I don't like it one bit. It doesn't take long until we arrive in front of my house and I leave the car in front of the entrance. I help her get out and wonder if Mikayla even wants to be here after everything that has happened between us.

But I know she's a person who never hesitates to speak her mind, so this is some kind of reassurance to me that she doesn't mind being here. We walk up the porch and I lead her up to my bedroom after I unlock the door.

I wish I had the strength to reverse everything and I know I have a share in what happened to her. If I hadn't been so insecure yesterday, we wouldn't have had a fight and maybe she wouldn't have been so upset by the situation.

She looks at me intently as I leave my keys on the dresser and turn to her. Her gaze on me makes me nervous because I can't gauge what she's thinking. She doesn't look too traumatized, although her hands were shaking slightly in the car until a few minutes ago.

I take a deep breath and release it before dropping my head. I step closer to her and she looks up at me. Her eyes are soft and shine brighter than any light. I dare to lift my hand to her cheek, the urge now overcoming me to comfort her.

"I'm sorry for what I caused you." I finally whisper. These words fall heavily off my tongue, but after they're out it feels like a stone has been lifted from my shoulders. I realize that I haven't even apologized for everything.

She shakes her head and I take my hand back down. "It's not your fault I decided to leave with him, and it's certainly not your fault Ethan turned out to be an asshole."

For a reason, it makes me smile on the inside to hear her cuss. Although I have the urge to apologize for it nonetheless, I don't. I'm afraid she'll push me away and we'll miss our last chance because of it.

I step closer and try to gauge her reaction. Her eyes soften even more and I close any remaining distance between us as I wrap my arms around her petite body. We both sigh at the same time and I close my eyes as her scent envelops me.

I've kissed her, I've had her breath all over me, but hugging her is completely different. For a reason, it feels more intimate than the moment I had her sitting on my lap or me hovering over her. Her warmth radiates to me and takes away any worry.

I rest my chin on the top of her head and she circles her arms around me. "Do you want to take a shower?" I ask. I can sense she's tired and maybe it would help her calm down better.

She pulls back from the hug and I immediately miss her warmth. "That would be great."

I nod and walk to my dresser. I pull out a shirt, comfy pants, and boxers for her that I've never worn before. Maybe she'll feel a little weird in my clothes, but it's still better than the tight dress she's wearing right now.

I hold it out in her direction and she thanks me. She looks at the shirt and then at me. "Um, can I have another shirt?" she asks.

"You don't like it?"

"It's not that," she says, a shy demeanor taking over her. "The fabric is thin and it's white. I didn't put on a bra this morning because... my dress is already padded."

Involuntarily, my eyes drop, but I'm quick to guide them back into her eyes. A warmth rises to my face and I stumble over my words. "Oh, sure. Sorry."

I hand her a black shirt with thicker material to keep her comfortable and she smiles before heading to my bathroom. Something about the thought of Mikayla wandering freely in my house, leaving traces of herself everywhere, makes me feel some kind of way.

I wait for her to get out of the shower, not rushing her. I want her to feel comfortable and like she's at home. The sound of the hairdryer sounds from the other side of the door and after a few minutes, she steps out of the bathroom.

Seeing her in my clothes does something to me and I desperately try to push those thoughts away because now is not the time. But she looks adorable since the shirt is way too big for her.

I press my lips into a straight line before leading her to my bed and helping her onto the soft sheets. She looks up at me, her soft eyes a little red, which I can't read from whether she's been crying or just got shampoo in them.

"Can you stay?" she asks as I step away to give her privacy.

I stare down at her, trying to read some kind of doubt out of her, but there isn't any. "Sure," I murmur, sliding into the empty space next to her. She smells like my shower gel, and I don't know if I prefer her to smell like me because it makes my skin tingle or her own scent.

I hold her to my side. For the first time in my life, I want to hint at a conversation, but I don't, afraid I might ruin the moment. I don't deserve Mikayla's closeness, and yet I want to feel it, so I can show her that I care.

It has always been easy with Mikayla and I have to remind myself not to get too comfortable with that thought.

We stay as we are, quietly promising to settle everything that is on the tip of our tongues tomorrow.

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A/N: Sometimes we don't understand why people act a certain way. I know some of you are upset with what Jungkook did so I hope this chapter shows why he did what he did.

We're not obligated to stay with someone and get hurt but if you're willing to try it out with that person, you have to be understanding even if you don't agree with their actions. 💗