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⇛ Blueprint Apartments
4:30pm

"You mind recording for me?" Chan questioned eagerly, unthinkingly handing an awe-filled Felix his cellphone. "I just want to make this moment last longer, you know?"

"O-oh of course," Felix gulped, accepting the device from the older, a bright smile plastered on his face. "Do you want it from any specific angle, or..."

"No, just record what I do with clips of your reactions," Chan giggled, laying the board on the ground and hesitantly resting one leg on its surface. "I want something to look at to remember today- since we didn't take any pictures together or anything," he spoke softly this time, an almost unnoticeable sad look forming on his face. "Stand against the sun so it'll record probably."

"I know how to take a video, Chan," Felix snickered as he tapped on the record option, laughing hysterically at how the older was already struggling to attain proper balance. "I thought you said your skills were still fresh," he teased, walking sideways to capture every inch of the brunette's comically unsteady movements.

Noticing how older's previous years of skills and practice visibly rediscovered the correct path to his legs to stabilize their position and movements, an unexpected yet seemingly comfortable thought glided into Felix's mind. He thought twice about it, looking at the brunette through the frame before glancing down at his feet. "No harm there," his heart muttered out, the boy in turn swiftly rotating the device so that its back could face him. He smiled and waved childishly into the camera, knowingly boasting the red stains on his cheeks. "I recorded a little piece of me so you'll have my smile to look at whenever you're watching..."

Chan blushed, pausing his stunts to look over at the younger, heart satisfied at the boy's verbal confirmation of his meaningful action. "Thank you," he shouted before regaining complete balance, skating around at all corners on the concrete surface, ensuring to keep a far enough distance from the edge. "I should really come up here more often."

"You're so-" Felix forced a pause to his complementary comment, smile somewhat dimming as he read over the familiarly saved contact ringing Chan's phone- the outcasted section of his mind that kept all reasoning, inference, and self defense suddenly raging a war, breaking all those rational thoughts free. "Sa-na?" He mumbled, lifting his head to view the older, a questioning, skeptical look formed on his face. "Isn't she the girl from- isn't she the one that- why is she calling Chan?"

"Everything okay, Lix?" Chan spoke lowly, cheeks merging into a small frown as he observed Felix's sudden dampened demeanor. Arching a brow at the familiar sound coming from his phone, he drew closer to the boy. "Who's calling?"

"S-sana," Felix gulped, looking down and practically shoving the phone into the older's chest when he seemed close enough. "I- I didn't know you two still talked on casual occasions like this."

"Sana?" Chan furrowed his brows to hide the guilt, fear and anger coursing his veins. Of all days since they had exchanged numbers- of all times, why then? Why at the exact moment when Felix was the one with the device in hand? "Fuck," Chan muttered lowly, blankly and aimlessly staring at the ringing phone for a few seconds until the noise stopped, but shaking his head when the incoming call wasted no time before popping up again. "M-maybe it's something about work."

"Maybe," Felix hummed, forcing the faintest, fakest smile. "Well, why don't you pick up?"

"I- I don't really want to take it," Chan shrugged, declining the call and sliding the phone into his back pocket, swearing when it started ringing for a third time. "What the fuck does she-"

"Is it because I'm here?" Felix tilted his head, eyes clouding with a sudden, cold mist- the runaway dialectics of his mind overthrowing his heart's authority with their new source of strength that was solely fueled by their fresh need for explanation . "How come you didn't give me back the phone to continue recording? Is it because you're hiding something again, Chan?"

Felix's heart was desperately pleading to be unleashed from the escapee's of the jail in his mind- it wanted to continue that unproblematic, innocently fun day with the heart of the man he loved- it wanted to strangle the scarred but strengthened coherence that acted like a coup that had carefully analyzed all weaknesses of its temporary monarchy. It was frustrating- that war inside Felix's head was frustrating, but after seeing that call followed by Chan's sudden defensiveness, there was nothing, other than rational accusations, that could bypass the blonde's lips.

"Felix it's not like that. I just don't want to answer Sana, I'm with you now," Chan tried to lie, anxiously chewing on his bottom lip, lifting his leg off of the skateboard so that it'd be stable with its partner on the concrete. "Don't let that call ruin our day. It's me and you-"

"Well give me the phone, Chan. If she's just calling for work and you're so defensive because you don't want to be distracted, give me your phone so I can continue recording and making memories," he mockingly finger quoted the last two words, scoffing and face palming in disbelief. "You know, I won't get upset, I won't. Once you promise to be honest with me. Tell me why Sana keeps calling, because we both know damn well that it has nothing to do with work."

"Lixie, calm down," Chan swallowed thickly, stretching a hand out to pet the younger's, flinching when Felix swiftly shifted from his range- disgust and disappointment evident in just the younger's expression. "I promise, I haven't done anything sexual with her ever since you caught us-"

"Sexual? Who said anything about sex?" Felix tilted his head, heart dropping and tears brimming to the corners of his eyes. His poor heart had just given up- it just stopped resisting and pleading for a chance to regain control and regulate the normal, sentimental occurrences of their day... because Chan was most definitely hiding something.

Chan was undoubtedly planning something, even though it wasn't with him. "Chan what the fuck did you do this time? Or maybe I should ask what the fuck did I do to deserve all of this back and forth with you? Just fucking settle down or stop leading me on." Felix was practically yelling at that point, hands flailing with his words until Chan took a soft yet firm grip on them both.

"Lixie, listen," he gulped again, looking down and gently bringing the younger's hands to their rightful sides. "I promise to tell you everything, once you remain calm- just listen."

"Bang Chan I- I don't even know how to feel right now," Felix sniffled, averting his gaze from his others, scoffing at his failed attempt to steal back his arms from the addict's- Chan's hold. "I- before you even start. Just tell me- tell me that you weren't seeing her. Tell me that I was the only one for at least the past week, Chan. Tell me you didn't plan on doing anything with her."

Chan looked down, shakily letting go of the younger's arms. "I haven't slept with her or anything of sort, Lix. I haven't slept with anyone in a while... all for you-"

"Then why were you so oddly defensive about the call? What is it that you're not telling me?"

"Felix it's just- I don't know how to-" Chan was cut off again when the annoying ringtone sounded from his phone once more, the vibration against his ass igniting more irritation within the brunette. "Why doesn't she just-"

"Answer."

"No, Felix. I'm not answering," Chan shook his head, pulling out the device to decline the call like the previous time, but hesitating when he noticed the demanding yet hurt stare from the younger. "Lix, stop looking at me like that. I can't answer Sana- she ruins everything."

"Chan she ruins everything because you let her. If you fucking man up and control yourself, things wouldn't be so hard," the younger spoke with a deeply insensitive tone, the tears forming in Chan's eyes having nothing on the bulky, overly crammed rants of the new authority in his mind- his captive heart too broken to intervene.

It was time for logical thinking- time to stand up and show the "addict" that he wasn't a toy- that his genuine, human feelings of attraction mattered, whether Chan was familiar with their depth or not. "If you hadn't had sex with her in the first place, she'd most probably have more respect for you, Chan. If you weren't so-"

"Felix shut the fuck up," Chan's fists clenched reflexively, the force almost denting the metal frame of his phone. "Don't fucking talk to me like that. You don't know half of the shit I went through. You don't fucking understand how hard this phase has been for me over the past seven fucking years. You don't know how much I fucking hate it and hate myself, Felix. It's something I couldn't control, but only started gaining some stability when you came into my fucking life. You've changed me, and I don't know how to make that clearer than I've been trying to. I understand you're upset with me for what I haven't even confessed yet, but don't go telling me all that shit about control. I have control over my fucking self which is why I've never thought of you sexually. It's because of the fucking control over myself that I could ignore Sana for the entire week despite the fact that I agreed to have fucking sex with her to keep my fucking job," Chan practically shouted at a teary Felix, head hurting from the sudden outpour of his prolonged, clogged up emotions. He dropped down to his ankles, hands gripping his hair as tears flooded his cheeks. "Don't tell me I can't control myself, Felix. I can control myself."

"You agreed to have sex with Sana to keep your job?" Felix furrowed his brows mockingly, mucus dripping from his nose despite the tiresome silence of his tears. "What job, Chan? The job at the café? Working at a small café is so important that you had to sleep with your co-worker to keep it? Or were you just too needy?" He tilted his head, heart hurting at the unnecessary argument with the boy he desperately wanted to continue loving. "And now that she's calling you back for you to take up your responsibility, or for you to keep up with routine, you're here crying as if you really feel something."

Chan stood up, clenching his jaw and gritting his teeth, eyes somewhat dark and clouded- all those lovely feelings he held for the younger sitting shakily to the back of his head, praying that the dispute wouldn't cost them their chances to see beyond that thick mist of hurt again- to see the spark in Felix's eyes again.

Chan stood back up, closing his eyes and sighing before speaking. "Felix all this was for fucking you. That plan with Sana was to make sure I didn't lose you. She threatened to frame me, Felix. And I knew you would hate me after that. You would hate me and be disgusted by me. You would leave me- you'd leave me to fall back-first onto square one. And I don't want that, Felix. I want you, and not just for sex." He calmed himself a bit, stretching an arm out to take the younger's again, sniffling when Felix, just as before, didn't hesitate to shift. "Felix don't be like that."

"Don't touch me," the younger snarled, coughing from the suffocating silence of his sobs. "Don't call me, don't talk to me. You're sick, Chan. And I'm sorry to myself even, for trusting you- for thinking that you would be willing to change for me."

"Felix I have changed, don't you get it?" Chan stretched out his arm again, quickly skipping back when Felix threatened to slap it away. "Are you really going to leave me like this again?"

With an aching heart and slightly guilty conscience, Felix turned his head away from the older, digging up a cold tone for his response. "Christopher just- come open the door so I can change back into my pants, take my bag and leave. I can't do this right now."

"Felix..."

-

⇛ Seoul Sunshine Homes
5:45pm

Felix was already choking on tears as he stumbled into his apartment, his puffy, red eyes matched achingly with overly tear-stained cheeks. He was a mess, his heart was in pieces, and his "rational" and "defensive" ways of thinking had locked themselves back into a dark cell at their own free will out of mere, pathetic guilt- they knew that they shouldn't have let off on Chan like that.

It was just so overwhelming, and the force of their release was frustratingly overpowering. Breaking free from the locked doors that Felix had placed them in with all that reason for confrontation just made lashing out at the addict so irresistible- seeing their poor heart so broken and impaled like that just made it literally impossible, to hold back.

"I want to say sorry but- he did that fucking shit again," the boy sobbed into his knees on the sofa, bag laying messily to a far corner of the room. "I love him- but he's still sleeping around... even when I'm in his life... he hurt me... again."