Title: When I Leave

Author: ninjacookiecutters

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 2/5

The start of your summary was brilliant and captivating, and the way you introduced your story was nothing short of gripping. The way you introduced The Infected and a bit of background was succinct but effective, and it's told in a dramatic way that leaves an impact – almost like a news report itself.

However, from there, it just didn't have enough. When you introduce characters, introduce them in a purposeful way that makes the reader instantly want to root for them. Who is Kyle? Who is Annalise? Why is she the only thing Kyle has left and why should we care?

Additionally, you have this amazing set up about The Infected – but there is no link between that and the final rhetorical question. Do one of them become infected? What are the stakes? What is the driving conflict, and what will we actually be reading about? Because there's no tie between Kyle/Annalise and the set-up at the beginning of the summary, there's a slight lack of coherence and the reader isn't quite sure what they're reading and why they should be cheering for the protagonist. I suggest fleshing out your summary so that it is fluent throughout and clearly shows the characters, conflict and stakes. 

Grammar: 4/5

Your grammar was very polished! There was only one consistent grammatical error I could find, and other than that, I didn't catch any other glaring issues. So, let's quickly go through that one error.

First of all, I must commend you on creating a relatable protagonist in Jess – one who binges junk food while listening to sad music. It's very sweet to see how much Alec adores her, as well as how he just can't forget about her no matter how much he tries. The ending of your story was also quite sweet; three years later, and they meet each other as ghosts of the past. I think the open-ended ending works for your story.

"Yes, I trust you." Kyle shouted.

It should be:

"Yes, I trust you," Kyle shouted.

Another example:

"Don't use that tone with me." He hissed through clenched teeth.

It should be:

"Don't use that tone with me," he hissed through clenched teeth.

Another thing is that when dialogue ends with an exclamation mark or question mark, it's treated like a comma in that the following word will begin with an uncapitalized letter. For example:

"Call Kyle!" She whispered desperately.

It should be:

"Call Kyle!" she whispered desperately. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

You know, what I really found fascinating was that, right from the start, Annalise and Kyle are very sweet to one another and their love is set up very quickly. Which, I think, was super interesting because, unlike most stories, it took an opposite turn – as the story progressed, that love disintegrated. We see Kyle yell at Annalise about the world falling on his shoulders, and later on, he even calls her a wimp and doesn't think she can be a hero. Can't wait to see her prove him wrong!

Speaking of Annalise, I love her sarcasm. When Kalen asked if she was okay and she snapped back, going, "I've been KIDNAPPED, of course I'm fine" – that was glorious. Kalen, too, is sarcastic and charming, and even though he literally calls her a pompous ass, he shows genuine concern towards her (doing small things to show it, like putting his hand on her shoulder to comfort her).

My main issue with characterisation was that it often got very telling in moments that could have been more effective if shown. Here are some small examples:

School reminded him of his lack of friends and the relentless torment he received from the other kids, and he was eager to leave.

Since we were just meeting the character, why not show that to us by fleshing it out into a moment rather than info-dumping a whole aspect of his character? Personally, I think it would be so much more effective to see that torment for ourselves, so that when we see how Michael and Christian treat him differently, it offers juxtaposition and stronger characterisation.

Another example:

Michael looked frightened, which was completely out of the ordinary because Michael was a loud and abrupt person who didn't crumble in the face of adversity.

First of all, what does a frightened person look like? How are his physical features showing everyone that he is frightened – wide eyes, pale face? Something else entirely? Also, once again, you have chosen to tell us all about his character rather than show us that he is usually loud and abrupt. If you could get Kyle to compare through showing how contrasting Michael's current countenance is would be more effective and more fluent. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Your writing is very clean and polished, as well as fluent. However, as mentioned above, there is quite a lot of telling instead of showing, and there is an overall lack of setting to convey a mood. I think you need to slow down your pace – especially since your story has such dire circumstances within it, with death all over it, so I think it's important that your mood conveys this rather dark nature to your story. Slow down each moment, use personification and metaphor to show us what we would see, feel and smell in each moment, to make sure the reader is immersed.

Additionally, you have very repetitive sentence structures – most of your sentences are simple sentences, and also start with the typical pronoun, verb, and the rest. While this makes it very easy to understand, it does make the reading very stilted and awkward, as it ends up becoming a bit monotonous. For example, here are a bunch of sentences, all together in a row within your story:

He caught a glimpse...

She gripped her walker...

He bored his eyes...

She turned her head...

She lifted her wrinkled...

She turned and slowly...

Without any subordinate clauses in the mix, it becomes really awkward and clunky to read. I suggest going over your chapters and mixing up your sentence structures a bit more to keep it more engaging and less 'he did that, she did that'.

Also, watch out for:

"Where are you???" Urgency laced Kyle's voice.

Using '???' is seen as grammatically incorrect often, and it's redundant, as the dialogue tag already conveys the narration. Let the narration show the urgency rather than overusing punctuation.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

With the whole COVID thing happening around us, this story was certainly eye-opening! There were so many gritty and heartbreaking moments – I loved the moment between Annalise and her mother, which was so sad with you describing the porcelain skin and comparing being there physically to being there mentally.

What I especially love is that you didn't just make it about the virus, but there is more to the story. We have a leader of the virus – ruthless and beautiful, who wants revenge for unjust treatment, according to the man who licked the knife. We also have Theo choosing Annalise as queen – which was a twist itself. I like how that was foreshadowed, with her seeing the man visiting his daughter and thinking about him afterwards, only for us to later realise he would play a bigger impact in the story. That was great!

And the ending, so far, was heartbreaking, with Kyle holding Preston and giving him any sort of consolation before the inevitable death. The final moment, where he realises that he is seven days away from his own death, was gripping too, and I cannot wait to see where you take this story and concept after this.

Once again, I think you need to be less telling, but also, slow down the pace and give us each moment. Even at the very start, when he reads the article Christian shows him, what exactly does he read that makes him freak out? Show us the transition of his emotions, bring the reader into the moment and let us feel that cold fear for ourselves as we panic for him. 

OVERALL SCORE: 16.5/25

Overall, a very polished story with intriguing elements, well done! I suggest brusing up on your punctuation throughout dialogue, as well as fleshing out moments to make them more immersive for your reader. I hope this review helps!