Title: The Widow Maker

Author: RobClark5

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

I do like a lot of things happening in this summary. In a wonderfully refined way, you introduce your protagonist and his goals, which is fantastic, and then you lead into the conflict – emphasising how important it is, and what he must do to resolve this conflict. Great work!

A few things need polishing, but let's start with the overall structure of the summary. All of it was incredibly cohesive and engaging, but then the part about the seductress came in – and it just kind of left your summary hanging. What does she have to do with anything? Who is the powerful man and why does it relate to Sir Garvais at all? Is it the Emperor? If so, why not just say so? It just feels a little random.

Also, using the name as the final line feels powerful – but only when the name has some sort of meaning. It's the first time, as a reader, I'm hearing this name in the entire summary, so it doesn't have the weight it's supposed to carry. A few more specific things:

As the emperor seizes and eliminates all that Sir Gervais holds dear to him, Sir Gervais uses all of his skills as a spymaster, assassin and knight...

How about, to make it feel as if the reader needs to join him along the way, change the tense so it's:

As the emperor seizes and eliminates all that Sir Gervais holds dear to him, Sir Gervais must use all of his skills as a spymaster, assassin and knight...

That way, it doesn't sound as if it is already over. Additionally:

...known for his deadly skills on the battlefield earned him his title The Widow Maker.

I would consider polishing it to:

...known for the deadly skills on the battlefield which earned him his title: The Widow Maker. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

I actually found this story slightly less polished than Manticore Hunter, but I think that might just be because it's longer. I mostly stopped taking notes after the first chapter, since the errors were quite consistent anyways. Let's go through them!

Dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"I reckon my boy will be better than his old man at archery." a soldier commented.

It should be:

"I reckon my boy will be better than his old man at archery," a soldier commented.

Also, if you have an action beat before the dialogue, make sure there is punctuation between them. For example:

He turned towards his subordinate "Who did you say failed to report to duty?

It should be:

He turned towards his subordinate. "Who did you say failed to report to duty?"

Next, contractions. You need to be careful that you are using them correctly. Here are some examples:

"Its funny how some people feel..."

Since you were going for 'it is funny how some people...', it should be it's as opposed to its.

"We're you instructed to have my wife..."

"We're" is short for "we are". You need: "Were you instructed..."

You also have some changes in the tense, such as:

Sir Gervais knelt down and slide the knife down...

Since you're in past tense, it should be 'slid' as opposed to 'slide'.

And, also, watch out for run-on sentences. Make sure that, if you have two clauses that work perfectly on their own as sentences, they are separated by something other than a comma – otherwise it's a comma splice, like so:

He turned towards the flame he had just created, its embers glowed bright.

Both clauses work perfectly on their own. They can be separated by something other than a comma, or should be rephrased so that one of them is dependent. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

I was so fascinated by your decisions regarding Sir Gervais. He's the protagonist, and yet, he's more of an antihero than anything – yes, he has no mercy, no pity, and only eyes for vengeance. But when you hear his story about his wife and daughter, when you literally remember all the stabbings that he's had to go through, you can't help but want him to succeed a little bit, even if you fear for everyone else who crosses his path. I like it!

A lot of the issues I had with characterisation, and there actually weren't much at all, was just I wanted more showing and less telling. Phrases like:

Sir Gervais was so angry with himself for...

Consider an alternate way to show this to the reader. Using the already heavily characterisation narrative voice to show us those internal thoughts, have him do things that show us how he responds to his anger rather than just blatantly telling us.

Additionally, I just kept wanting more and more. When the captain was being poisoned, really flesh out that ruthlessness. I want to know how agonising that poison is. I want to know how desperate the captain would have been to just tell him how many guards were there and have the swift death. Yes, we do see him whimpering like a wounded dog, but in that instance, I wanted to feel the pain. What, exactly, would I be feeling as my veins changed colour? Just that little more would give the writing and characters a bit more oomph. 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I already spoke about showing against telling, so I won't talk about it again. However, I will say, I loved your description throughout the chapters! It was very sensory driven, with the sound of metal on wood, with the constant description of the smells to give a certain mood and tone within the room. I very much liked that!

Be careful of repetition. I wasn't sure if it was done purposefully or not, but it was a little awkward when I was reading, so I thought I'd let you know – the start of chapter one and chapter five almost perfectly echo one another in terms of description. They both start with a description of candles, and they both describe shadows as sporadic. It may have been an intentional choice, but it did feel a bit awkward because I thought I was reading the same things twice. 

Plot + Originality: 5/5

I didn't realise how clever the title was until I reread over a few bits and realised that, at the start, the captain is literally writing a letter to his wife – confessing sins and all, perhaps! Very clever, and nice connection to being a widow maker. I also saw the cute little reference to the Manticore Hunter, with manticore poison being used.

The story was very cohesive, and I loved the pacing so much in that it felt a bit like a slow-burn as we learnt more and more about the context, and then ultimately led to the final act of vengeance. I think the structure and pacing is great.

I loved the ending, by the way! It wasn't a straightforward, easy ending. Rather, he had to make a decision between joining his beloved in the afterlife, or staying back to tread that line between life and death and get his justice. The way those chapters were structured was so captivating – not knowing his decision until that final chapter, when his eyes open. I freaked out, but I thought it was a great way to end the story with a bit of punchiness to it.

In this department, I have no words other than: great work! 

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25

Overall, a great story with lots of intrigue. Make sure you work on your punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!