Title: The Grimoire

Author: LakshmiVaishnavi

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3/5

There are some great things happening in your summary. It's very light and quirky, being quite playful and fun to read. Furthermore, the use of rhetorical questions at the end is a great way to reel for the reader. I liked the contrast between the twins at the start, and the concept of the grimoire is fascinating.

However, I found a lack of cohesion in your summary. You mention the grimoire without explaining what it is and what those 'results' are. Then, Mr Black comes in and his introduction isn't linked into anything. And then you mention a strange stranger entering the town and adding to confusion, but once again, it's not really linked to anything. And then the rhetorical questions suddenly mention lives at stake and the grimoire again? It just doesn't feel cohesive. What is the accident? How do they have to cope with it? How does Mr Black and stranger contribute to it? Why are lives suddenly at stake?

Also, a few things needs polishing:

...the results aren't just not what they expected.

So, they expected it? Or did you mean: 'are just not what they expected'?

...his eyes are like James dean.

You need to capitalise 'Dean' since it's a name. 

Grammar: 2/5

This is probably where you need to work on most, which isn't a bad thing – in fact, it's the easiest thing to go back to and polish. Let's go through some examples, shall we?

All throughout your story, you kept changing tense from past to present. Here is an example:

We reached home, finally. [reached = past tense]

We make our way towards the main entrance. [make = present tense]

Next, let's talk about punctuation. Whenever you have punctuation, there is not a space required before it. For example:

...and I go around sniffing the air .

It should be:

...and I go around sniffing the air.

Now, let's add dialogue to the punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Not anymore." Ingrid says.

It should be:

"Not anymore," Ingrid says.

You also do not need to capitalise whenever you have a comma. For example:

"Well, ask Lili, She is the one whole did it."

A few things wrong with it You've capitalised a word that doesn't need capitalising, and the 'whole' doesn't quite sound right. It should be:

"Well, ask Lili. She is the one who did it."

You'll notice I changed the comma to a full-stop. That brings me onto my next point: run-on sentences. Basically, whenever you have two independent clauses adjoined together by a comma or nothing at all, you have yourself a run-on sentence. An independent clause is basically something that can work as a sentence on its own. For example:

I think it's better that you guys start your training, now that he is here, you need it more than ever.

You have two parts of that sentence that are actually independent sentences on their own. I recommend:

I think it's better that you guys start your training. Now that he is here, you need it more than ever.

Also, apostrophes. Apostrophes are used to show contractions (two words adjoined). For example:

Mrs Potts knows we are lying yet she let's it slide by.

"Let's" is short for "let us". But we wouldn't write "...yet she let us it slide by." Therefore, it is incorrect to use the contraction. It should be:

Mrs Potts knows we are lying, yet she lets it slide by.

You also have sentences missing full-stops at the end that needs brushing up. And, finally, whenever you have a proper noun, it needs to be capitalised. For example:

"Lili. Mum and dad are making their announcement. Come on. !!"

A few things wrong with that. The two exclamation marks at the end are redundant, and the 'dad' needs to be capitalised because it is used in replacement of a name. Therefore, it should be:

"Lili, Mum and Dad are making their announcement. Come on!" 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

I love how the two twins, Lillia and Ingrid, are polarising from the very start. Lillia feels more uptight and introverted, while Ingrid is ready to go out more and shows a bit of an impatient temperament. And we see that lead to more conflict later on, with the last few chapters having Ingrid rather upset because things aren't crystal clear between her and her sister. I like seeing that dynamic pan out, so well done!

It's interesting seeing Lili loosen up more, especially now that she may or may not be falling hard into a romance subplot. I also like that all characters, even ones from the very start, are not all as they seem – Mrs Potts is actually a witch? Fabulous.

However, watch out for characters sounding them same in both narration and dialogue. Having most of the characters say "Aaaarghhhh" is not showing idiosyncrasies between characters. Also, you tend to tell instead of show when it comes to characters. For example:

I was secretly overjoyed.

Don't tell. Show. What does that happiness feel like? Better yet, since you're in first person, you can afford to show us the thought process regarding why she is happy and what she had been hoping to achieve in that certain situation.

And remember: if you're in first person, your narrator, twins or not, cannot read the mind of another character. Or, at least, for the first few chapters they can't (before the spells have come in). So, for example:

"What do you say let's go shopping tomorrow for a ball fit dress?" she asks, already planning everything in her head.

How would Lili know Ingrid is planning it all in her head? Experience, perhaps. But you need to show that. Maybe Ingrid gives her a grin that makes Lili just know that she's planning everything in her head. Or you can just throw in a simple, "I knew my sister well enough to know that she's already planning everything in her head" – that way, it's clear that your narrator isn't doing any mind reading just yet. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Your writing style is impacted quite a bit by your flickering tenses, as it made the writing a bit jarring to read. Along with that, as mentioned beforehand, the telling instead of showing also makes it a bit awkward. However, otherwise, the writing is quirky, engaging, and full of some haunting and nice imagery.

I wish you described more. What does the Mayor's home look like at the start? What does the masquerade ball look like? Since you've got so many gothic and chilling elements in your story, the best way to really make the reader feel those moments of terror and tension is to set up mood through descriptions. Show it.

Practice it with the simple things. For example, simple things like:

TRRRRRRRRRRRRRINGGGGGGGGGGGG.

Instead of doing that for the school bell, try describing it using metaphor, simile or personification. All it needs is one sentence to show the readers what it would sound like. Also, when you're writing, please try to maintain professionalism throughout your chapters. For example:

His eyes show he is afraid of what might happen, tho I don't see that in his demeanour.

Make sure you spell 'tho' as 'though', as that is the correct form. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

The start of your story wasn't very impactful or captivating for the reader. We briefly meet the two sisters, hear about them talk about wanting to shop, we see them sleep, wake up and wear clothes, have breakfast, go shopping. Then, they eat, pick their mum up, go home, and the next morning, they get dressed for a masquerade ball. All in one chapter. When, in fact, it may be more impactful to start the story in a place that actually feels different and new – like, start smackbang in the middle of the ball.

Also, it felt a little awkward having them say, "Don't you think Mum is acting weird?" before the reader even gets to properly see the mother acting weird. It's another example of telling. It would be far more impactful to show the mother acting weird first, and then have the girls discuss how strange it is. We should meet the mother first.

However, with that start out of the way, the concepts underpinning your story are really what shine. I like the nice touches of symbolism – for example, when they see the locked door and granny's journal, there's the two women warriors that, I presume, reflect the girls. There's that moment in the fog, where they lost each other in the barn and see the Grim Reaper's silhouette. I wish you fleshed it out even more, really showing us the moment through sounds, smells, feelings.

In fact, I liked the spooky elements in general. Hearing Lili call Ingrid's name, even though that's not really what happened. Also, the enchanting spells are intriguing, and I liked learning about the past – the part about their nana having red eyes from the diary entry reading? And her being a witch? Great. Also, the plan to test Iryll was clever, keeping both the characters and the reader on their toes.

So while I found the start clunky, once we eased into the story, it was captivating. 

OVERALL SCORE:15.5/25

Overall, a promising story! Make sure you work on your grammar and punctuation and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!