Title: The Dating Proposal

Author: imaginator33

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

I think you've got a pretty good summary. You succinctly introduce your protagonists, and the best part is that there is a lot of heart in it – it's playful, quirky, and represents the genre well. I laughed at the metaphor about the Sahara Desert. I also like the usage of the rhetorical question at the end, and the conflict is clearly defined. Well done!

If I'm nit-picky, the focus kind of shifts between characters awkwardly – you introduce Quinn, then you introduce Ace but it almost seems like it's from Quinn's perspective because of the 'detest him more', so when it jumps to 'His not so perfect life', it feels a little jumpy. Also, what, exactly, makes Quinn so 'amazing'? If you're going to tell us that about your character, consider showing us why we should see her amazing.

Also, how does losing a role to Camilla link to her parents setting her up? Is it linked at all? And what is Carl's plan that makes it slightly more bearable? Just give us a bit more detail and it'll be more cohesive.

Grammar: 2/5

Your grammar could definitely use some touching up, so let's discuss that, shall we?

Everyone was excited yes...........

Whenever you're using ellipses, you need to make sure that you're using three periods – no more, no less. So it should be:

Everyone was excited, yes...

Then, we have:

She has had her own share of crazy fans, the worst was a fan who stood in her room waiting for her to wake up with a board that said YOU'RE MY WORLD written in bold, Quinn almost had a heart attack when she saw the girl.

What you have here is a couple of run-on sentences. That's when, within a single sentence, you have more than one independent clause (an independent clause is one where it could be a sentence on its own). In this case, 'she has had her own share of crazy fans' could be a sentence on its own, so could 'the worst was a fan who stood in her room waiting for her to wake up with a board that said YOU'RE MY WORLD written in bold', as well as 'Quinn almost had a heart attack when she saw the girl.' It should be:

She has had her own share of crazy fans. The worst was a fan who stood in her room waiting for her to wake up with a board that said YOU'RE MY WORLD written in bold – Quinn almost had a heart attack when she saw her.

Next, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"...at least you got a role as her sister." Kenna said.

It should be:

"...at least you got a role as her sister," Kenna said.

While we're still talking about dialogue, whenever you have more than one character speaking, you need to make sure the new character has their dialogue in a separate paragraph. For example, you wrote:

"Ace," I said gently. "Ace......Aaaaaaace!" I finally yelled and he shot up. "I'm up, I'm up." He said, alerted, his eyes moving every which way.

It should be:

"Ace," I said gently. "Ace... Ace!"

He shot up. "I'm up, I'm up," he said, alerted, his eyes moving everywhere.

Additionally, you need to watch your tenses. Let's look at the following sentence:

Ace's eyes widens more as he screamed seeing Quinn roaring.

If we break it down:

Ace's eyes widens... [widens = present tense]

...as he screamed... [screamed = past tense]

You need to make sure that you don't have conflicting tenses within a single sentence, or scene for that matter. Also look out for random capitalisation of words in the middle of sentences – words should only be capitalised if they are a proper noun, or if they begin a sentence.

Characterisation: 3/5

So I think Ace and Quinn both do a great job at being memorable characters! They're both so sassy and start off making strong impressions, with him accusing her of being jealous and her fighting right back. I think they're very strong personalities, and you've done a great job at showing that, so very well done.

I also like that Ace, in particular, shows his complexity by showing a rather caring side to him. Like when she's basically unconscious and he's rushing her to her apartment, panicking over the password, noticing how lovely she looked in that moment – it really shows us more to him than just that heartthrob persona. Him also getting emotional about his broken watch was an interesting thing to read that added to his character.

Just be careful of characterisation, especially when it came to showing instead of telling. There are some moments where your characters could have shown how they were feeling so we could see more idiosyncrasies from them, and see how they are different from other characters in their reactions. For example:

She has always been so gentle, seeing her like this makes me sad and scared.

Show us that – what does it feel like to be sad and scared? Physiologically, what would be happening? What thoughts would be running through their head? What would it feel like?

Writing Style: 3/5

Your writing is incredibly comical, and very fun to read. There were some hilarious metaphors – I laughed out loud at the 'she acted like she was just asked if period pains hurt'. Those moments add a lot of charm and heart to your story.

Just make sure that you do slow down the pace, because there is minimal setting throughout it. I know your setting is nothing too fancy – it's set in the real world, however, it can be used to build mood and immerse the reader into the story more. I recommend slowing it down and showing us more about the setting, about the mood, to milk out the tension.

Also, you have a very repetitive sentence structure at times. For example, here are some sentences, all clumped together in your chapter:

I'm totally going to die...

I totally forgot about...

I just have to...

I ran to the...

I instantly removed the card...

All of these sentences are structured the same – starting with 'I', followed by a verb and then the rest. While these sentences are common and normal, having so many of them in a row makes the writing robotic and awkward to read. I recommend manipulating your sentence structures more to make it more diverse and engaging.

Additionally, remember that you are in first person. Your narrator can't know what others are thinking. For example:

"I'm so sorry." She said embarrassed and I smiled.

He can't know that she is embarrassed, but it can be shown to us – maybe her cheeks flush, or she suddenly looks down at her feet. Either way, you have to show that moment to us so that we know it's not the protagonist reading her mind.

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I have to say, it feels like a very fun romantic comedy that you'd see in the movies! I love the classic trope of 'let's pretend to date and then call things off and pretend it didn't work out', where they slowly get to know each other and develop feelings.

Nonetheless, you add your own spin to it – there's a bit of murder involved, with Mr Jefferson literally wanting to kill Ace, and the whole notion of "What did Ace do?" Additionally, I like the mistrust between characters, the business matters influencing the plot, the accident (and not everyone knowing Quinn's involvement), and Ace's past coming back to haunt him with the flower shop and his mother.

There are also some nice, touching moments, with the nostalgia between Kenna, Dylan and Quinn. I thought the end was clever, with how it's purposely confusing so that the reader has no idea who she has kissed – excited to see the big reveal there!

Once again, I recommend looking over your pace, slowing things down, and milking out the tension by adequately describing moments within your story.

OVERALL SCORE: 15.5/25

Overall, a very fun and comical story! I suggest working on your punctuation, as well as your pace, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!