Title: Theresa I: The Boy with the Snow Hair

Author: PrincessRoyal343

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4/5

I actually think this is a really well-structured summary. I think your introduction was vague, but very captivating and clever, and you already set up your world in a succinct and effective manner. Furthermore, we learn abut our protagonist, and the conflict – choosing between the right of the world, and her heart's conviction. I do kind of wish I knew more about the stakes; what happens if she chooses the boy, for example? But I'm not too fussed – this is pretty great.

A few minor things that need polishing:

If you want to live an uncomplicated life, don't be sorcerer.

I think you mean: don't be a sorcerer.

Also:

...but to eleven year old orphan Tess, rejected by the world of the natural, though she didn't know it yet, it would be the only easiest thing in her life.

The 'it' after the comma actually breaks the flow of the sentence. It should be:

...but to eleven year old orphan Tess, rejected by the world of the natural, though she didn't know it yet, would be the only easiest thing in her life. 

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, there are a few things that you need to work on when it comes to polishing grammar and punctuation, but we'll go through them, shall we?

"Leaving so soon, young lord?"

Calder said, still staring ahead.

Whenever you have dialogue followed by a dialogue tag, then the dialogue tag and the dialogue tag should be on the same line, like so:

"Leaving so soon, young lord?" Calder said, still staring ahead.

Also, when dialogue is all by itself on a line, the dialogue should end with a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"She's going to try to kill us,"

It should be:

"She's going to try to kill us."

Also, you occasionally flipped tenses. Make sure that your tenses are always consistent. For example:

In the pit of my stomach, something surged. I feel different invigorated, refreshed.

If we break it down:

In the pit of my stomach, something surged. [surged = past tense]

I feel different invigorated, refreshed. [feel = present tense]

And just watch out for general sentences that don't quite make sense, for example:

I inspected the necklace to see if was any wires...

I feel like you're missing a word between 'if' and 'was' for the sentence to be cohesive. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

You've done a great job and putting your characters in situations where the reader immediately feels for them, and wants to love them and succeed. We instantly pity poor Theresa, who is bullied and considered a 'freak' by all the others, just because of the bullying incident (naturals, man). And, because of that, we instantly love Annabelle because she's a change of pace – she's refreshing, even if she's a little strange with her satisfied smiles.

And my gosh, Robin. My heart hurt for him so much. He just so badly wants to please Lord Ford, his father, and it really shows how dark and driven emotions can be, and I love how those are linked to their powers. Seeing him be bound by chains, and having him sob and convulse. My heart, man. Even though the characters have only really just been set up, you can't help but want them to succeed – and that's a great quality.

I just wish I got more. There were times the writing felt a little stoic, and that's because there wasn't enough of feeling in it – particularly when you were in first person. For example:

I always thought of flashes of violet eyes which made me feel nostalgic.

Don't just tell us – show us. What does the nostalgia feel like? If we felt that nostalgia, what would that feel like?

He smacked me and I fell in the dirt.

In this scene, when she's literally having her arm twisted, I wanted to feel that pain. I wanted to know what that felt like – the stinging, the aching, whatever it would feel like to have an arm twisted as you crash into dirt. That makes the characters more engaging for the reader, and it makes the writing more immersive. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Your writing is very formal and easy to follow, which works well for your narrative – it almost feels a bit like a folk tale at times, which I love. However, like I said in the characterisation aspect, I was always craving more. It's simple things, too. For example:

His warm, elegant clothes were suited for the journey he was undertaking...

Okay, so, what warm elegant clothes? What exactly is he wearing? Warm could mean anything from a fursuit to a jumper. Elegant can mean a gown, but it can also mean a tunic and blouse in some eras. You have to give us more and really show us what we are looking at, so that we can envision it. Not every single detail, but a more narrowed focus would be fantastic.

In general, I just wish I had more description regarding the setting. I feel like there wasn't enough of it – especially considering the fact that it was not a contemporary story in a familiar setting. Dragon Moor, fantasy-esque powers – I want to catch a glimpse of it through description. Consider using personification, metaphor and simile to really help the reader immerse themselves into this new world.

Also, be careful of repetitive sentence structures. When all your sentences start the same, it becomes repetitive and robotic to read. Here's an example from your story – these are all sentences clumped together:

I stopped listening in...

I wasn't bothered by Mother...

I was already used...

I was finally called...

I ignored the dirty looks...

All the sentences start the same – I [verb] [the rest]. I recommend you use varying sentence structures to make the writing more fluent! 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

I have to say, the prologue immediately explaining the hair, and hinting at the fantasy elements to come? That was great! I thought that was a super captivating way to begin your story, and I immediately saw the connection to the summary.

You have so, so many amazing elements to your story. A waterfall splitting in two? A curse? I do feel like the first ten chapters, so far, have mostly been setting up the story to come – so I'm excited to hear about where it goes from here. Our characters – Tessa, Annabelle, and Robin – are finally intertwining, and the world has been set up for the story to become cohesive.

Just do be careful with some things – since you don't have much in setting when it comes to worldbuilding, you do have to be careful with how you're sharing the information. For example, when Calder tells Cassius the story about the keepers, powers, the trees containing souls, Slaithes – it can feel like an info-dump, if not surrounded by enough description to weigh out all the dialogue.

Anyways, now we know about the curse and how it's a lot bigger, so I'm excited. Best of luck with the rest of your story! 

OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/25

Overall, a lot of great concepts! Just make sure you polish your tenses and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!