Title: Storm of Light

Author: StrikingSorrows

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

There are lots of really great things happening in your summary! I think the repetition you employ was very effective, emphasising how monotonous her life was and how everything was the 'same'. Overall, your summary is very engaging, very cohesive and does ask really good questions – what is the argument? Why did she run? And I think those are fantastic, so well done! You also very subtly show that she's a wolf, with the pack, and I commend you for that.

However, I do feel like it's a touch too vague – especially that last paragraph. What path must she follow? What pain is she facing? What is the conflict? What on the path could break her, and why could it do that? As the reader, what will we actually be reading about? Also, you have a slight tense change – most of it is in past tense, but then you say there's a path she must follow, where there's = there is = present tense. I suggest revising that.

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, your story was pretty polished, so very well done! There were just a few things I caught within your story, but don't worry, I'll go through some examples.

First of all, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Everything's fine", Lightning said.

It should be:

"Everything's fine," Lightning said.

Next, watch out for tenses. You're mostly in past tense, but there was a sentence or two that travelled forward in time and told the story in present tense. For example, here are two sentences, side by side, from your story:

Her fur flashed in the sunlight as she knocked Night over. [flashed, knocked = past tense]

It's been six months since their birth... [it's = it has = present tense]

You need to revise and make sure you keep your tenses consistent.

Next, speaking of tenses, here's another tense that needs polishing:

Grass had ran away screaming...

Because the 'had' is already in past tense, it should actually be:

Grass had run away screaming...

Also, watch out for spelling errors such as:

"I might have if you guys didn't brage in and fill..."

I think you meant 'barge' in. And another thing I caught:

"Somethings never change."

In this case, you're talking about how certain things don't change. It should actually be:

"Some things never change." 

Characterisation: 3/5

You have some very memorable characters, and not that I'm biased or anything, but Breeze was such a gentle soul and I loved her simply because my dog's name is also Breeze. Nonetheless, your characters very much speak through their actions – we can see Night, towards the start, is funny and playful with his good quips. We have shy Scarlet, and we have some nice character development.

In fact, the development of Luna – the way she becomes more assertive, and almost grows in a way (to a point where even Alpha calls out the fact that she's changed) is really great, because it was in symmetry to the way she was discovering and taming her power. Nonetheless, it's great to see that she still has that slight prankster side to her! The dialogue between all the characters is fun and engaging overall, so good work in that department.

However, I found there was a bit of disconnect between myself as a reader and the characters. And I think these are the reasons why:

First of all, there is minimal description in terms of appearance. It makes it quite difficult to ground ourselves as readers, because while it's good that you're not feeding us every single feature of their appearance, a general baseline is helpful for us to capture an image of characters. Additionally, you include a lot of characters – and while a big cast is totally fine, you do need to slow down the way you introduce them, so that the reader doesn't feel completely bombarded.

Along with that, I find that there is a bit too much telling and not quite enough showing. Even in instances like:

As much as she wanted them to stay, she could understand why they ran. Still, she was annoyed.

Show that to us. Show us that annoyance in how she behaves, in what her internal thoughts are, in how her body physiologically responds to the danger around her. Additionally, speaking of that moment, I wish there was more emotional pull to it. It's a pretty chaotic beginning – she's put in that cage, literally being taken away, and she wasn't freaking out a lot. I liked that she asked herself lots of rhetorical questions, but I didn't really feel the fear that I would have expected anyone to feel in that situation – and I think you need to slow down the pace to ensure that the reader does feel that fear, and does worry for your character alongside your character. Otherwise, it loses that touch of realism that leads to the disconnect between the reader and character. 

Writing Style: 3/5

I think you had some simply stunning moments of imagery throughout your story. A really big highlight for me was towards that showdown against Avalanche, where Luna talks about her frustration, her anger, her fear, and how that all manifests into a realisation of the power she has – and then there's that killer line of dialogue about the light of the moon. Moments like those where you really show depth in character are fantastic, and I encourage you to keep up with that!

I do, however, feel like your sentence structures got a little bit too repetitive. Here are a few sentences from your story, all bound together:

Storm noticed a...

Storm sighed.

She shook her...

She squirmed in his...

See how all sentences begin with the person, the verb, and then the continuation? It gets just a little repetitive, and becomes monotonous to read if done in a row like this. I recommend mixing up your sentence structures to ensure that doesn't happen.

Additionally, towards the start, your characters were asking themselves a lot of rhetorical questions – but it bordered on too much. Rhetorical question is great, but there needs to be a subtlety to it, and the action alone and their responses to the action should also be enough to show the reader how they're feeling internally without having to blatantly spell it out for it.

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

I think the magic behind your story is that there are always more questions being asked, and more connections being made – like Avalanche being Spot's mother, which had been foreshadowed by that cut off piece of dialogue. You also have some very sad and impactful moments – poor Scarlet, telling Luna what it means to believe in yourself, that death is inevitable, and to never put on a mask. Emotional, but great context for more character development. In fact, when moments like those happen, don't rush it forward with more dialogue – slow it down for a second, let them linger on those emotional pulls, and emphasise the stakes.

Additionally, I find that sometimes a bit too much is going on. That first chapter alone, you have to remember that readers are still settling into your book – so every moment must be purposeful, and there needs to be a clear beginning, middle and end within each chapter. So when she's playing with her friends, and then gets kidnapped, and then immediately meets all these people while having Lightning spill his backstory – it's too much. It's not a clear beginning, middle, end. A more impactful moment would be ending it at the kidnapping point, so that the reader is scrambling for more.

Also, flesh out the moments of conflict. Once again, in that first chapter, when the human is literally pinning her down, what does that look like? Feel like? Describe that pain, that inability to move, that restraint. That would make us instantly click with your character more, as well as involve a more immediate grab to your story. 

OVERALL SCORE: 16/25

Overall, a promising story with lots of impactful moments of development and characterisation. I encourage you to work on your tenses, as well as fleshing out each moment, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!