Title: Secrets Come With Lies

Author: Kara_Zor_El_7

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

It's just occurred to me that I've reviewed a book for you before (Pillow Talk, I believe?). Thank you so much for coming back for a second review, and asking one from me specifically! It means the world to me and more when clients come back with new stories, new characters, and new skills. Keep up the amazing work! 

Summary: 3.5/5

Your summary has great things going on. You introduce the protagonist, the backstory, the conflict, and there's a brilliant hook at the end that links the title to the overall story arc. Overall, your summary is very cohesive and engaging, so well done!

There are just a few things. First of all, and I don't like to say this, but your summary is very, very long. I don't like to comment on this sort of thing, but the mindset I have is that this would definitely not fit on the back of a book, and it feels a bit like a ramble at time. Keep it succinct, to the point, and introduce major plot points without spoiling.

Sure, tell us about how her life was falling about, then Dylan comes in and everything is pretty great. Then launch into Dylan's appearance, and hint at how Nic and her will have their lives intertwine. When you mention Dylan the first time, do we need to know exactly about their social circles? Do we need to know that he's safe and protective?

Also, watch out for commas. For example:

Leah Montgomery, a nineteen-year-old college graduate leads a quiet existence...

It should be:

Leah Montgomery, a nineteen-year-old college graduate, leads a quiet existence...

Grammar: 3.5/5

Your story is very clean when it comes to grammar and punctuation – well done! There were a few things I caught, but nothing incredibly major. Let's go through them, shall we?

First of all, proper nouns. Whenever you are using a proper noun, it should be capitalised. This includes instances like 'mum' or 'dad' or 'aunt' – because that's the name you are calling them. Basically, if you say 'my mum loves shopping', you don't need to capitalise it, but if you're saying 'Mum loves shopping', it should be capitalised. For example:

Just talking about mum was so painful.

You have two options. One:

Just talking about Mum was so painful.

Option two:

Just talking about my mum was so painful.

Another example:

"Going on a date, huh?" aunt Jean teased.

'Aunt Jean' is what she is referred to as a name. It should be:

"Going on a date, huh?" Aunt Jean teased.

Next, dialogue. You have dialogue and punctuation done perfectly, and that's a rule I see broken all the time, so fantastic work! However, there were a few instances where I saw this:

"I actually didn't want to get out for breakfast today, " he admitted.

The gap between the punctuation and the inverted commas is unnecessary. It should be:

"I actually didn't want to get out for breakfast today, " he admitted.

Next, let's talk about semicolons. For the most part, you used them accurately, but sometimes, they weren't used correctly. Semicolons are used to adjoin two independent clauses (clauses that make complete sentences) that are closely interrelated. You wrote:

I raised my eyes and glanced over at Dylan; to look at him properly.

While they are very closely related clause, 'to look at him properly' is not an independent clause/complete sentence. Therefore, the use of the semicolon is incorrect.

Next, we'll talk about commas. Sometimes you used them in incorrect spots, sometimes you didn't use them at all. Here are some examples:

"Besides you're here now."

Read that aloud, and you'll see that it's a little awkward without a pause. It should be:

"Besides, you're here now."

Also:

His dark green eyes searched my face with urgency, his hand clutched my shoulders.

Both of those clauses are separated by a comma, and they are both independent clauses. When you have two independent clauses joined together by a comma, it's considered a run-on sentence – more specifically, a comma splice. Replace the comma with a full-stop, or turn one of the clauses into a dependent clause. Personally, I would just go with:

His dark green eyes searched my face with urgency and his hand clutched my shoulders.

Lastly, watch out for little typos such as:

...pressing his warm lips against mines.

'Mines' refers to mine fields. It should be:

...pressing his warm lips against mine. 

Characterisation: 4/5

I'll talk about Dylan quite a bit, because I must commend you on how well you introduced a character and gave him a complete arc in such a short period of time. He starts off as such a cutie, drinking from Leah's cup in an endearing way, insisting on catching up, being open to hugs and genuinely caring about what she has to say (giving her the large grey hoodie was a bonus, as were the jokes about seeing her toes!).

So then, when we see him stand up against Ryan but eventually back down and go on to insult that poor, poor girl (Abigail), you couldn't help but feel terrible for him. And then, when we find him dead after all that... ouch. It hurt.

Leah, herself, makes an engaging protagonist. While she seems to have a more passive role in the story currently, I look forward to seeing her make some more active decisions in-story as time passes. I also adore her relationship with her aunt, with Aunt Jean bombarding her with questions about her romantic life.

Nick is still a bit new to me, but he feels like a pretty good chap. He's very well mannered, introducing himself to Aunt Jean, and I'm yet to see how he's relationship with Leah progresses – though, it's already quite intimate, considering the grief they are facing together and the kiss on the cheek that I caught.

Be careful when it comes to showing and not telling. For example:

His expression is filled with sadness.

Show it to us. What makes him look sad? That makes the characters feel more human, more real, and more mature.

Writing Style: 4/5

I've already mentioned showing instead of telling, so I won't go into that again. However, I have to say, I love the time and care that you put into descriptions – from the rain, to the cold, to the overall energy and mood within Dylan's apartment. Well done!

Just be careful of a few things. First of all, when you're trying to emphasise something, please don't write:

"DYLAN!!!" I cried out.

Why? Simple: it's both unprofessional and redundant. It's a little extra. To convey the exact same tone, this will suffice:

"Dylan!" I cried out.

Additionally, avoid repetitive sentence structures. Two clumped together is fine, but when you've got three or more sentences in a row that have the same structure, it gets a bit awkward and jarring to read if not written stylistically. For example:

I bit down on my...

I ran into the...

I didn't know why...

All three of these are essentially boiled down to: I [verb] [the rest]. It becomes a little awkward to read and very noticeable.

Otherwise, great work in this department!

Plot + Originality: 5/5

So, thus far, the first concept of the story is complete – the introduction and death of Dylan. And now, Nick and Leah are getting to know each other. I'm excited to see how things progress from here – both in terms of their relationship, as well as the underlying tension of the people that we saw at the swimming pool that Dylan asked Leah to run away from.

Also loved how cyclical you made it! Dylan and Leah reconnected in a coffee shop, and after the funeral, Nick and Leah go for coffee. Nice, symbolic move there! (Or am I reading too much into it? Probably that, too.) Either way, I'm not exactly sure where the story is going from here – we haven't had a big climax or resolution yet, so I look forward to seeing how you go writing that.

One last thing – and I didn't put this in grammar because I wasn't sure if Wattpad was being weird with formatting or this was a genuinely mistake – but there are some weird moments where your paragraphs are split. For example:

God, he was
such a fuck up.

And:

Candice was so fucking annoying with her small voice
going on and on.

You might want to double-check that.

Otherwise, well done!

OVERALL SCORE: 20/25

Overall, a very polished piece of writing. Make sure you touch up on your proper nouns, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!