Title: Manticore Hunter

Author: RobClark5

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4/5

I really enjoyed your summary! You've done a fantastic job, especially considering that it is a short story – those are usually pretty difficult to summarise. However you've got your protagonist, the setting, a bit of background, as well as conflict and stakes. The rhetorical question at the end is also a nice touch, and that final line is very powerful and captivating. Well done!

The only thing I would work on is phrasing. For example:

So when he is asked to join a crusade against the fabled mythical beast the Manticore he relishes the opportunity to achieve what few have done before.

Consider adding commas so that it's:

...mythical beast, the Manticore, he relishes...

Also, the next time you introduce the Manticore, you capitalised the 'the' (and wrote The Manticore). Whatever you decide to do, you need to keep it consistent.

...it will take everything courage, strength, cunning, and leadership to survive.

You need punctuation for it to be fluent. I suggest adding either a colon or an em dash after the word 'everything'. Additionally, your rhetorical question is missing a question mark. I would also not suggest writing:

...will he leave them to the Lion/Scorpion/Bat hybrid.

It looks messy, and it might be more suspenseful if we don't know what the beast looks like until we see it for ourselves within the novel. Like, before that, I was so intrigued – what could The Manticore be? It would just make it that touch more intriguing. 

Grammar: 3/5

While your story was certainly easy to read, there were a few grammar and punctuation issues here and there. While they were very minor errors, it did disrupt the fluency of the story. Let's go through them, shall we?

Let's talk about dialogue and punctuation first. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"To Bianca and her melons." He called.

It should be:

"To Bianca and her melons," he called.

Another example:

Sir Searmundr smashed his goblet down, "The insolence."

Since the narration before the dialogue is actually an action beat, not a dialogue tag, it should be:

Sir Searmundr smashed his goblet down. "The insolence."

One last example before we move on:

He studied Ethelston with a fierceness in his eyes before replying "Explain." Sir Vermund demanded.

There are a few issues I have with this one. First of all, you need a comma instead of a full-stop after 'explain', and you also need a comma before the dialogue actually begins. However, then you have two dialogue tags, which is messy. Consider:

He studied Ethelston with a fierceness in his eyes. "Explain," Sir Vermund demanded.

Now, moving on. Commas. There are lots of instances where you are either missing commas, or you have placed a comma inappropriately. We'll go through some examples:

The thought made him shudder, hopefully, the pay would be worth the price.

The comma between 'shudder' and 'hopefully' leaves you with a comma splice. This is because you have two independent clauses (basically, two clauses that work as sentences on their own) adjoined together by a comma. You can fix this by replacing the comma with a full-stop, semicolon, or em dash.

Despite them all working together it was obvious there was a huge amount of resentment and distrust amongst them.

In this case, you've got the opposite problem – you are lacking a comma. What you have is an independent clause, as well as a subordinating clause ('despite them all working together' – not a complete sentence on its own). Whenever a subordinating clause is followed by an independent clause, you need a comma. It should be:

Despite them all working together, it was obvious there was a huge amount of resentment and distrust amongst them.

Now, let's move onto semicolons. Semicolons are used to separate two independent clauses that are closely intertwined. This means that both sides of the semicolons need to be complete sentences. For example:

"Sir Vermund, and his compatriot Sir Searmundr have brought a small army to slay a beast called a Manticore; to increase their renown and favour with the Emperor."

There are a few things wrong with that above sentence, but the major one is the semicolon. The 'to increase their renown and favour with the emperor' is not a sentence on its own, and therefore, a semicolon can't be used. Revised:

"Sir Vermund and his compatriot, Sir Searmundr, have brought a small army to slay a beast called the Manticore to increase their renown and favour with the emperor."

I moved a comma around, and I also uncapitalized 'emperor' because it's not used as a proper noun in that sentence.

You also have missing question marks and missing full-stops at the ends of sentences. I would go back and revise that. Additionally, let's have a quick look at:

...by the ferocious scorpion tale as it pierced his armour like paper.

A tale is a story or fable. The thing that animals have swinging from their hind side is a tail. 

Characterisation: 4/5

I have to say, Ethelstone makes a fantastic protagonist. He's not your typical hero, and our first impression of him drinking in a tavern while talking about melons really sets him up as a rather amusing character to follow. That being said, I love that he doesn't tolerate nobleman bullshit (I figure this language is allowed?), and I think the flirting and jokes about his nether regions even in times of great stress is simply charming.

I also love how it was foreshadowed about how he's a noble all along, with his lineage revealed at the end. If there was something I wished I got more of, it was that moment in the tavern where Mutt first approaches him and brings up the Manticore. I wish, in the moment, the pace slowed down a bit for me to understand why he agreed so readily. I wish I knew what he was thinking, and what he planned on achieving by going.

Speaking of Mutt, I love how observant he is! An absolute cinnamon roll. He will make a great squire.

I noticed that, with your story, there was a lot of telling when it came to characters. I'll speak about this more in the next section, but here are some brief examples:

The boy wasn't sure how he should respond to the commend and whether the man in front of him was too drunk to have a conversation with.

This felt a bit jarring to read, because suddenly, we're inside Mutt's mind for a second. Rather than telling us this, show it to us through his actions – perhaps a moment of hesitation, an arched brow, or whatever Mutt would do it he wasn't sure how to reply. That way, your character is more fleshed out and visual for the reader.

Sir Searmundr reacted angrily pushing his arm aside and storming off to the main tent to recover his pride.

In this case, the whole 'reacted angrily' is redundant – we already see him push someone aside and storm off. Do you need to say he 'reacted angrily'? 

Writing Style: 3/5

I loved your action! It was intense and fast-paced, as well as very based on movements. I will admit, though, that your misplaced commas did make your writing a little clunky and awkward to read, so I do encourage you to go back and polish that up.

That aside, you have a superb knowledge and understanding of the armour and language used in the very historical fantasy setting. I must commend you on all that research (or time-travelling!). Additionally, I enjoyed the way you helped immerse the reader; smelling the body odour and manure of the camps was great, and I liked the detail of lavender and lemon within the tents.

I wish there was more. More description, even though I understand you probably wanted to keep it short. I wish I knew more of what the tavern looked like, sounded like, and smelt like. During the action scene, I wish I could see the blood, sweat and tears more with every thrust of the sword. I wish I knew more of what the camp looked like.

Additionally, I've noticed your writing is very much like a folktale. I think it works exceptionally well for your story, but it does lean too far into the telling side at times. I've given examples above, but I found a few more I thought I'd discuss.

"My Lords, may I present Ethelston. Ethelston may I present Sir Vermund, son of Vermund, twenty-first count of Oakfort, Knight of the Isovine Empire and Sir Searmundr, son of Dorvald, heir of Kiteborough, Knight of the Isovine Empire." Mutt took pride in his introductions.

Aside from missing commas within the dialogue, the narration of "Mutt took pride in his introductions" is redundant. As the reader, we can already see he takes pride in his introductions based on how much care he spent on it. However, another way you could do this is make it more character-driven by making it seem like Ethelson has something to say. For example:

"My Lords, may I present Ethelston. Ethelston, may I present Sir Vermund, son of Vermund, twenty-first count of Oakfort, Knight of the Isovine Empire, and Sir Searmundr, son of Dorvald, heir of Kiteborough, Knight of the Isovine Empire."

Ethelston arched his brow. It seemed like Mutt took pride in his introductions.

In that example, it latches the narration onto a character – and shows a brief interaction between Ethelston and Mutt without them having to speak. Or you can completely remove the narration itself because it was redundant in that example. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

The tale follows a wonderfully smooth plotline. We have the hook introduced in the tavern, which leads into a short journey to the final beast, which is very intense and chaotic and allows Ethelston show what a great leader he is. Well done!

Personally, I would have liked to see more Ethelstone and Mutt bonding. Not just because I adore Mutt, but also because of the following line in the novel:

There was no way Ethelston would allow Mutt to share their fate.

That was a powerful and pivotal line in that chapter, and you could literally feel determination in each word. But it felt a little out of place since I didn't really see Ethelston and Mutt acting all that close. I encourage you to add one scene where we really see Mutt and Ethelston forging a stronger bond. I already can see Mutt admires him and Ethelson returns that, but I just wanted to see more dialogue between them – more brotherly affection and such.

Also, in that climax, it felt slightly anticlimactic? Only slightly. I really loved Ethelston bringing in the morale, but I wanted a bigger moment of despair. I wanted to taste the blood and feel the bleakness. Then, when all seemed grey, I wanted to see him rise. There was a moment where he acknowledged his low morale, and I do think this was more of a telling instead of showing dilemma, so I encourage you to consider fleshing it out and emphasising the tension.

Overall, though, the humour was great! I loved the running gag of Bianca, but I also liked that the end was touching – Lord Vermund telling both Ethelston and the reader about what truly makes someone noble. And yes, making Mutt a squire? I'm here for that. He has earned his place. 

OVERALL SCORE: 18/25

Overall, a very fun story that any fantasy lover would enjoy. I encourage you to polish your comma usage, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps! I'm so sorry you didn't get the reviewer you initially requested – I know how disappointed that can be. Hopefully, this review is alright for you!