Title: Lost in Loneliness

Author: Dessy_Strange

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

There are some brilliant things happening in your summary. I love how you introduce the protagonist, George, and give as an adequate amount of backstory that instantly makes the reader sympathise and want him to succeed. Then, you go on to introduce the conflict, and the stakes are relatively clear, which his daughter in the hands of a criminal.

However, it does jump a bit, and that makes it lose cohesion. "A foreign matter collided with George" is a bit too vague, and I think you can show the reader a bigger taste of the actual conflict within your story so that it doesn't sound too generic. What exactly is this foreign matter? Why is it important? Since you've already mentioned the criminal later on, it may be more cohesive to allude more specifically at this foreign matter.

Additionally, watch out for tenses – you change a lot in the summary itself, and sometimes, this change happens in a single sentence. For example:

He did all he can to secure his daughters future...

If we break it down:

He did all... [did = past tense]

...he can to secure... [can = present tense]

You need to make sure your tenses are consistent. 

Grammar: 2/5

There are definitely a few things that need polishing within your story, but don't stress – I'll go through it with you right now.

Right off the bat, I noticed that your dialogue isn't punctuated correctly. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Thanks" George said with a wave to the cab driver.

That is incorrect. It should be:

"Thanks," George said with a wave to the cab driver.

Next, make sure you are consistent with when you are speaking in singular terms or plural terms. For example:

Now I walked out with countless smiles pilling up my cheeks like I had received a hundred thousand welcome.

"A hundred thousand" is a lot – and it's definitely more than a single 'welcome'. You need to change welcome to make sure it is plural, and also, 'pilling' refers to pills (like medication pills). You were looking for the word 'piling'. It should be:

Now I walked out with countless smiles piling up my cheeks, like I had received a hundred thousand welcomes.

Just like pilling versus piling, make sure you are using the correct form of words. Here's another example I found:

It was quite unfortunate for a man full of hope to loose what gave his life meaning.

Loose refers to something that is about to come undone – like a loose knot. I think you meant:

It was quite unfortunate for a man full of hope to lose what gave his life meaning.

Next, capitalisation. The capitalisation throughout the story could use some work – you randomly capitalise words in the middle of sentences, even when they're not proper nouns, and there are some proper nouns that aren't capitalised. Here's an example:

...would be better when dad is always at home.

That's a very tricky error – but when 'dad' is used by itself, it must be capitalised because it is treated as a proper noun. If you wrote 'my dad', you wouldn't capitalise it. However, since you just wrote 'dad', it should be:

...would be better when Dad is always at home.

Next, tenses. I spoke about it before, but you slip every now and then from past tense to present tense in a single sentence, and it makes the story lose fluency. For example:

Midst slumped to a chair by a dusty table, treating his wounds as George lies unconscious, tied to another chair.

If we break it down:

Midst slumped to a chair... [slumped = past tense]

...as George lies unconscious... [lies = present tense]

You need to change the tenses to ensure they are all consistent.

And watch out for what I assume are little typos – sometimes, the meaning of a word can change drastically with a single letter typed differently. For example:

George was seared in a jet, ready to fly.

To be seared is to be burnt. I think you meant 'seated'. 

Characterisation: 3/5

I have to say, George really is quite a positive one! Even when he lost his wife, but he was holding his daughter, he wasn't too gutted – for him, he was all about giving his daughter that extra bit of love, and moving forwards. I think that moment really showed strength in character; he seems very resilient, which makes him an engaging person that is easy to cheer for.

However, when it came to characters, I felt like readers were only given a surface level of them – I felt like I didn't really feel them and immerse myself into them. And I think that's because you rush through so many moments that could build characterisation.

For example, let's go back to the start, where he held his daughter and then found out about his fiancé not surviving. Give us more emotion – we don't see his thought process, we don't even really feel his sadness. We see his smile drop, but his thought process about how he'll love his daughter even more is rushed. We don't feel what it would feel like to lose something we love, and that's very important for the reader to make a connection with him.

Nonetheless, as the story progressed, you improved a bit with this – when Fiona called to tell him that his daughter has been kidnapped, we saw his agape mouth, the shivering, and the tears. That was a good example, so I encourage you to try being that consistent throughout all your chapters.

Another moment: Maud painting. Give us more. Don't just say, "After 20 minutes, I was done." Show it to us – let us see her hands glide over the page, let us see how she turns loneliness into an image because that is a really powerful and effective way to show the reader who your character is and how they translate what they think. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Similar to your characters, your writing felt rather quick, and there were moments that were glossed over that I thought could have been fleshed out more to heighten the tension, or to at least give the reader a clearer idea of what they are looking at. Here are some examples:

His tall handsome structure stood in front of Crossland City hospital, admiring the building's beauty.

Okay, what beauty? Don't just tell us that. Show it to us. Show us what makes it beautiful. It is glass, reflecting back the colours of the sun? Is it rich sandstone? What about it makes it beautiful, and why should we, as the reader, admire it with him?

The effects of anxiety worsened as we got to a room I presumed Annette was in.

What effects of anxiety? Describe it to us. What do those effects feel like? It was never described prior to the moment, so we don't really know what effects are worsening – is it a pounding heart? Cold skin? Sweat? Shallow breaths? Show that moment to us. Make us live and breathe the characters, so that we can be more immersed within the story.

Similarly, when Midst is literally pulling a bullet from his arm with a hot dagger, don't just write, "he endured the pain of it." Show us that pain. Make us feel it too, and show us exactly why it's so impressive that he is enduring it. If you can show us that pain, and then go on to explain how he is enduring it, that would solidify him as a character with plenty of strength. 

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

There are lots of chilling elements within your story! When George received the picture of his daughter tied to a chair, with the "If you want your daughter back, then pick the damn phone!" – it was haunting, and a great way to reel the reader in. Well done!

But make sure you keep every moment in your story purposeful, and I suggest avoiding jumping so much between narrators. For example, do we need that perspective switch in the first chapter, where the first three paragraphs are told by the omniscient narrator (where George says thank you to a taxi driver and stares at the hospital before entering it), and then it jumps to George when he enters? Why can't all of that be told by George? Why can't we see what he's thinking when he stares at the hospital?

Similarly, wouldn't it be more impactful to be in Maud's perspective when the nursemaid twists her ear, rather than seeing her run to the treehouse with her helmet and then switching to her perspective? Wouldn't we milk out more of her character by seeing the real conflict of the scene from her eyes, rather than a third person narrator, since you're going to be switching to Maud's perspective anyways?

Anyways, I'm very excited to see where the story is headed now – especially since you've ended on a rather pivotal turn! Now we're seeing the anger in George after learning John's name, and now that's he's lost Maud, he is hellbent on revenge – and now that he and Midst seem to be a bit of a team, I'm incredibly intrigued to see where you take the rest of this story. Keep up the good work! 

OVERALL SCORE: 15/25

Overall, an intriguing story with some chilling elements. I recommend that you work on slowing down your pace, as well as polishing your punctuation and tenses, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!