Title: Lost in Havoc

Author: gurlcynical

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4/5

Lots of really great things happening in your summary. You perfectly introduce your protagonist and the backstory that leads into the conflict – and then you move on to explain how everything ties together, from the bucket list and the camping program to the whole concept of peace and acceptance. I really like the themes already brimming within this summary about moving on and finding hope, so very well done.

The only issue was the lack of cohesion in your summary, and that's because you continuously changed tenses.

Ellie Bylthe Osborne was heartbroken and have become a reckless girl... [was = past tense, have = present tense]

Then the next paragraph is all in present tense as she finds a bucket list. But then, the next paragraph, you say she embarked on a journey – which is then in past tense. It's jumping back and forth in tenses, which is incredibly jarring. I suggest going back and polishing all of that so that it's consistent and fluent. 

Grammar: 3/5

Upon reading, I realised that tense errors were a very consistent thing within your story. I'll talk more about it in the writing style section, because that's where it heavily influenced the story. However, there were a few things that need fixing in the other departments.

First of all, punctuation and dialogue. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"...it was fantastic." She said smiling at me.

It should be:

"...it was fantastic," she said, smiling at me.

Next, ellipsis. When you're using them, you need to ensure you do three dots – not more, not less. For example:

"Hmmm.. thanks, I guess."

It should be:

"Hmmm... thanks, I guess."

Additionally, you have some sentences that are just incomplete. For example, in chapter five:

...are parked school buses, minivans, and cars a

And that was it. I think, overall, you need to go back and revise your chapters so smoothen out a few of those technicalities. 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

I love that Ellie becomes more and more impulsive throughout the course of the story, a little more free and fun loving and confident – when she basically stole those seven wrist bands from whoever Mrs Donovan was, I was honestly so amused at how much she had grown. Which is great – I love that character development. She and Nico are very cute, too – he irritates the hell out of her, but he still is very sweet, buying her the sticker she wanted from the gift shop (even Kayden was telling them to hurry up and admit it!).

I do feel like the reader was bombarded a bit too much at the start of the book regarding her life and backstory. Instantly, we find out her dad died – which is fine, it was captivating. But then we were comparing her relationship with her mother to the movie, Lady Bird. I think you need to give that time – especially considering the fact that we haven't met her mother yet, so it comes across as very telling, rather than reinforcing something that has been shown.

Nonetheless, I love how much heart Ellie has. Even when Ace, the bully, is in a state of despair and desperation while the others mock him, she's the one who pities him and agrees to let him come alone with them.

I do love the banter between the entire 'gang' (I'm calling them), and a particular standout moment was having Luna and Erin compare them all to horses and to stop complaining. I do wonder whether we even need all of the characters, though? Sometimes, I feel like I'm struggling to get a distinct character from each one of them because they all blur together a lot.

I think this is mostly because you do a lot of telling and not enough showing. I encourage you to go back and flesh out the moments so we can get to know your characters more. For example:

William keeps blabbering about how small his bed was, Luna got pissed and told him how spoiled ass William is. They exchange verbal fights and I just watch them amused.

You told us something that could be a few paragraphs worth of dialogue and description that could help the reader get a stronger grasp on your characters. Show the moment – show us what they say, how they respond, what their idiosyncrasies are. That way, your characters will feel more real, more engaging, and more distinct. After all, there are a lot of them – Nico, Damien, Kayden, Erin, Luna, William and Ellie. Don't gloss over things, but rather, give them each moments to strengthen them as individual characters to the reader. 

Writing Style: 3/5

So, I've spoken about showing versus telling already, so I'll move onto something else: description. I feel like there was an overall lack of it, and I wish there was more to slow down the pace and make us see how the environment is also contributing to the character development. A bit more description would make both the characters and setting more immersive, so be sure to, every now and then, practise incorporating the sounds and smells and sights that we would experience if we were in the shoes of the characters.

Next, we'll talk about tenses because your tenses are where your story often became difficult to follow because it kept fluctuating inconsistently between past tense and present tense. Here are some examples:

I slammed my duffel bag to the ground and crack my knuckles.

If we break it down:

I slammed my duffel bag to the ground... [slammed = past tense]

...and crack my knuckles. [crack = present tense]

And another:

As I looked at Ms Beaumont's face, she was in great distress as if asking the Gods of all Gods above on how she can keep her pupils' mouths shut.

Underlined are the verbs in present tense, and bolded are the verbs in past tense. There's a mix in there, and they need to be consistent for the writing to be fluent and easy to follow. Otherwise, it's clunky and awkward to read. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Again, I love all the character development that came out of it – it did feel very much like a story about growth, and I loved that a lot.

I also really enjoyed the start, because the impulsive decision that led to the rest of the story felt so real, and it was incredibly amusing seeing all the familiar faces at the campsite – like Luna, William, the guy she threw the milk at, and Ace. A bit of a suggestion: that did feel a bit forced and awkward. Maybe foreshadow it a bit by having one of the three aforementioned names mention having to go somewhere/do some preparation, so that we can kind of suspect they'll be there and it doesn't feel awfully convenient? Just a suggestion.

Additionally, I would love it if you could slow down the pace a bit to give each moment some significance. In one chapter, they go to that Roy Theatre, dance and sing, but then rush over to Griffith Observatory to look at the discoveries of the earth, and there's that sweet moment with Damien where they look at the stars. While I loved the symbolism of there always being some light to look back on during dark roads, I do think you need to slow down the pace overall – describe each moment, take the reader through it, and connect that symbolism so that it relates more directly to Ellie.

Anyways, I'm excited to see what will happen now that they're in the middle of nowhere, and the Toyota Century – which was foreshadowed from the start, which was fantastic – is there. Keep up the great work! 

OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/25

Overall, a story with plenty of intricate development. Make sure you work on keeping your tenses consistent and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!