Title: Kāma: Liberation

Author: Shivran86

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4/5

You've got a really polished summary, that's written in a professional but engaging tone, and doesn't waffle around. I love that final line – it sounds like a killer pitch to your story, and I think that overall, you succinctly introduce the pivotal points and characters. I also love that your summary is peppered with little bits of your worldbuilding that make your story personalised and special.

However, I found that it jumped a little bit and wasn't always cohesive. Who is Āryamnā – what does he have to do with anything? Is he one of the four? Who is Rājan? Is he also one of the four – and what is he seeking redemption after? What is an Indumalā and why should the reader want him to get it? Or is that also a person, and another one of the four? I think those just need to be clarified a bit more so it feels more fluent throughout. I'd also love to get more of a taste regarding what the curse is, but I understand if you want to keep that from the reader a bit longer. 

(After reading the story, I realised Indumalā was a person -- so I do think that needs clarification in your summary.)

Grammar: 3/5

Overall, I was really pleased with your grammar and punctuation – you show a great understanding of the rules underpinning writing. However, there were a few things I noted that may need some polishing.

The biggest one was tenses. For the most part, you were in past tense. However, there were a few instances here and there where you jumped to the present tense. Here are some examples:

The strokes of kajal around her almond eyes looked translucent under the glistening drops of gloom. [looked = past tense]

Yes – she will be the ardhāngini of the Senāpati of Ishgar. [will be = present tense]

When you're referring to the future in past tense, you should write 'would be' as opposed to 'will be'.

Another thing with tenses: you have to make sure they are consistent within the sentence. Here's an incorrect example from your story:

Āryamnā had himself adorned her feet with the anklets...

The 'had' does not work with the 'adorned' because they are within one clause. It should be:

Āryamnā had himself adorning her feet with the anklets...

Next, you have some odd spacings whenever you use commas. Sometimes, you forget the spacing after the comma, and sometimes you add an extra spacing before the comma. Here are some incorrect examples I found in your story:

And there,she stood, the mrignayani, carrying the...

It should be:

And there, she stood, the mrignayani, carrying the...

Another:

Yet , his mind clouded.

It should be:

Yet, his mind clouded.

Additionally, let's talk about dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Goodnight," Āryamnā left.

It should be:

"Goodnight." Āryamnā left.

While we are still on dialogue, for cohesive purposes, if you have a dialogue tag following dialogue, keep the tag on the same line as the dialogue. For example:

"Mansi."

He whispered, coughing out blood.

It should be:

"Mansi," he whispered, coughing out blood.

And finally, a last rule – proper nouns. Using 'mother' and 'father' can be quite tricky, but basically, when they are used alone, they are considered proper nouns and should be capitalised (Mother/Father). However, if you include 'my' before it, it's no longer considered a proper noun and does not need to be capitalised (my mother/my father). So, for example:

"I can save her. I can, mother."

It should be:

"I can save her. I can, Mother." 

Characterisation: 3.5/5

I think Rājan/Pāsha was the star of this novel, along with his development. It was great seeing the way he went from cold-hearted to acting tender around Indumalā, with the way he reassured her that her mother will be respected by everyone. He even called himself a monster to Āryamnā, and yet, he showed he was more than devil and ruin – he even aims to start developing into a different man, showing us that the curse may have been a sort of test, and endeavouring to leave his addiction for wine and women, and not being so finnicky with commitment.

My one thing about him was that I wish you slowed his development. I wish we saw him act cold and arrogant even more in the beginning, because we saw his tenderness almost instantaneously, and we were mostly told through side characters that they were amused to see him acting kind. I wanted it shown to us more – stretching out the development and making the end more powerful.

By the way, I loved Indumalā – she was fierce! Instead of backing away when she saw men staring at her bosom, her first thought is wanting to behead them. She's a fighter through and through, and I like that, in that pivotal moment towards the end, she needs to be stopped – because if she dives too deep into her vengeance, she can be dangerous to herself. I think that made her a particularly complex character, and really made the immortal truth of love shine through even more clearly in the story.

And, together, they make a very sweet but impactful duo – and their moment towards the end in the temple was nothing short of rebellious, but represented their overall theme quite well. Bold, making statements, showing the shift of time and rules.

The main issue I had with characterisation was that you often told instead of showed. I already mentioned having characteristics told above, but it's also smaller things – like the way characters express emotion. Rather than telling us how they feel, show it to us. For example:

"I don't hear his voice anymore," Indumalā said, looking tensed and worried.

Flesh it out more. How does someone who is tensed and worried looked? Are their faces blanched? Paler? What do their voices sound like? What do they feel – what thoughts are running through her head? Don't give it to us at a surface level, but rather, give us specific details that help us understand how she, as a person, responds to these situations and how she diverges from other characters in her responses.

"Do you hide this from him too?" Indi asked, frightened at this revelation.

Once again, show, show, show. What would she look like if she were frightened? Sound like? What would she be thinking? Don't spell it out for us – rather, give us the hints and cues that help the reader work it out on their own.

And even later on, during that epic battle scene, when Hamāl literally slashes Indu's back and there's a gaping wound, what does that pain feel like? By describing that excruciating pain, by making us feel closer to Indu, it'll make the stakes seem higher and make the despair feel more real in that present moment. 

Writing Style: 3/5

Your story was full of philosophy, which made it almost written like a historical text, which I think worked really well. I think you had some very beautiful moments of description, like when they were walking through Revat and you showed us the vermillion sky, the black smoke, the gurgling rivers. I highly encourage you to give us more of that throughout all the chapters so that the reader can be completely immersed in the writing.

Do watch out for redundancy, though. Sometimes, you repeat words in a single sentence two or three times – and while I know you do it for clarification, it actually makes the sentence rather clunky and awkward to read. For example:

Her hands, covered in silvery bangles that tried in vain to make the moonlight jealous, but for sure looked prettier than the whirling moonbeam on the sands of Gandhār on a full moon night.

That's a lot of 'moons' in a single sentence – and if read, it disrupts the flow of the writing. I encourage you to look out for these moments and rephrase them to avoid this.

Additionally, you have some purple prose – which is basically writing that sounds pretty, but doesn't have much substance to it because it doesn't quite lead anywhere. Here's an example:

Āryamnā had himself adorned her feet with the anklets, and she was feeling nothing but being lost in a sensational reverie that gave her a taste of the senses of the omnipresent.

Aside from the incorrect tensing at the start, the rest of the sentence doesn't feel purposeful because it's far too vague – even with the big words. You always have to dive that little bit deeper – what are these senses of the omnipresent? Be more specific to take the reader there.

Additionally, you always start your chapters off with exposition and get through scenes, but you never include the character name. When it's a new chapter, it's particularly important to have the character's name mentioned towards the start if it's in their perspective (first person chapters being exceptions), and if not in the first sentence, at least somewhere in the first few paragraphs. You have entire scenes where you don't mention who 'she' is even when they are the driving force behind the scene. While it's not a big deal since the readers can pick up who it is based on their interactions, it can be quite jarring and awkward, and a simple name drop here and there could help smoothen that out. 

Plot + Originality: 3.5/5

I think you have so many brilliant elements in your story. I love the concept of how you need more than magic to be powerful – and the stuff involving being a strong warrior fit that so well. There are so many important topics discussed, such as the power of women, with all the women in power being mocked only for them to really shine and prove everyone wrong. The moment with Indumalā proving her worth, leading an army and guarding the king, was phenomenal. She represented all those women whipped by lust, and Hāmal's words to her – literally telling her that she was nothing but a vagina – being the thing to fuel her and tear him apart was so empowering to read.

And the ending was so lovely, with the ethereal embrace between Indumalā and Rudra, with the final circle of development where he is finally happy, they are committed and united physically and emotionally. What a lovely way to tie up such an epic tale!

There was one thing, though, that did make me stop reading every now and then, and that was the pace. It sometimes jumped, and was too rushed, and then sometimes went rather slow, and I think it might be worthwhile to consider which elements of the story you really need to flesh out and which ones you don't quite need to.

For example, the moment where the lady nearly raped Rājan and he was literally bleeding – I can understand the haziness of the situation making the pacing a bit fast, but the stabbing part was pretty unclear. I wasn't quite sure where the blood was coming from, and that's because I couldn't feel any pain from either of the characters involved because it was completely glossed over. You told us about the blood, but it felt a bit sudden and wasn't described with enough detail to make me understand the situation.

Additionally, what about the epic battle? Let's look at sentences like this:

His chariot raced towards the generals of Hamāl's army, killing twenty of them.

This is a rather climactic part of the entire story, and sentences like those make it feel too easy. Slow it down for us. Make us see how those deaths occur, make us smell and taste and feel the blood and heartbreak and strength in the air. Immerse the reader, and hammer in the stakes by showing how difficult the situation really is – and how ruthless war is. Nonetheless, I will never forget how incredible it was when Nandi comes to the rescue. That made me so happy. 

OVERALL SCORE: 17/25

Overall, congratulations on completing such an impactful story! I recommend that you work on polishing your tenses, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps, and I'm so sorry for the slight delay – I don't know how I forgot to include your name on the waiting list! Thanks for notifying me, and thank you very much for your patience.