Title: In Between the Lines

Author: caCrisostomo

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 4/5

I love your summary! I think the one sentence hook at the beginning was phenomenal and I was reeled in right away. Additionally, the summary is written in a quirky, light-hearted way that already engages the reader but also includes the characters and conflict. Personally, I wish you had one more sentence that would more directly hint at the romance to come, or at least show that there will be more tension. Otherwise, it's almost like, okay, ghost writer does the job, boom. Done. I was just itching for that one extra line that would show that there will be more juicy tension and conflict as their lives intertwine.

And finally, be careful of your usage of semicolons! They're used to separate independent clauses. I'll talk about this more in the next part. 

Grammar: 3/5

Your story was pretty polished, but there were some consistent errors you were making throughout it. Let's go through them, shall we?

I mentioned semicolons above, so we'll start with that. Basically, you've gotten the gist of using semicolons when listing complex things, but the other time you've used them is to separate two clauses. This is fine, but when you use a semicolon, you must make sure that both clauses on either side of it are independent clauses – this means that they are complete sentences on their own. For example:

He took a deep breath and got up to his bare feet on the carpet; his skin being subsumed by thick dust as he walked up the glass staircase in a fast march.

The issue is that the second clause, the part about the skin, is not a complete sentence on its own. You need to change it to a complete sentence, or change the semicolon to a comma.

Next, dialogue. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

" 'The bright light of dawn, naïve is thy dream' " Astorious couldn't help a flattered smile.

A few mistakes there. First of all, you do not need the spaces between the quotation marks. Additionally, since the dialogue is followed by an action beat, it should look like:

"'The bright light of dawn, naïve is thy dream.'" Astorious couldn't help a flattered smile.

Also, it's sometimes unclear who is speaking. For example:

"I will tell them." She said.

"I-"

"Don't worry, let me figure this out." Allyson had an idea in mind, but her concerns were far from gone. "I will be able to write, just give me more time to settle, Ally."

That last paragraph confused me. I thought Ally was speaking, because the middle 'I' was Astorious, but then the next sentence, it sounded like Astorious considering he said Ally? Which leads me to conclude that maybe you had both Ally and Astorious's dialogue in one paragraph, which is incorrect. Additionally, the punctuation before the dialogue tags are incorrect. Consider:

"I will tell them," she said.

"I-"

"Don't worry, let me figure this out." Allyson had an idea in mind, but her concerns were far from gone.

"I will be able to write. Just give me more time to settle, Ally."

Next, apostrophes. Apostrophes are used to show contractions, but also to show the possessive form of words. For example:

Astorious soul was out of that body...

Since we are saying the soul belonged to Astorious, it should be:

Astorious's soul was out of that body...

And last thing, proper nouns. Make sure you capitalise them. This includes 'Mum' and 'Dad', if they are used as names. So, for example:

"...I am not his son, that mummy was a liar."

It should be:

"...I am not his son, that Mummy was a liar." 

Characterisation: 4/5

I think the writing really adds to Astorious's character. He almost feels like an olden day stereotype of a writer – so dreamy, dozing off in his own rhetorical questions, and even the narrator sounds so fond of him. And yet, he is so full of despair even though he can be so amusing to read. Better yet, there's the irony of his works always being about hope.

He's a very eccentric protagonist, and I actually think you've established this really well and used it effectively throughout the story. He's so madly unpredictable, and it was so entertaining to read the initial few chapters where, whenever Hadwin tries to talk about the book, there's a random subject change and they're suddenly talking about ignorance. And don't get me started on running up twenty-seven flights of stairs.

That, along with the way he names his spiders (Clara and Dave, beautiful souls) before wanting to murder them? Makes him completely loveable and engaging. His backstory with Hugh is absolutely tragic, and his very unpredictable nature is a fantastic dynamic with Hadwin, who feels very grounded with his accepting parents and rather practical ways of going about things.

I like how Astorious develops throughout the progression of the story. Towards the end, he becomes a bit of a wreck – his thoughts are even more fleeting, he's not resting, he's becoming frantic. Seeing the way he was embarrassed of himself was heartbreaking, but his relationship with Hadwin remained beautiful throughout.

There are just a few things I would like you to work on, but it ties very much with the writing, so I'll mention it below when I talk about showing and telling.

(Side note: I loved Ally. She literally broke into his house and hired a cleaner. Goals right there.)

Writing Style: 4/5

From the very start, your writing makes an impact. It's stylistically different – it's whimsical, poetic, and lyrical. I even caught the Bohemian Rhapsody reference in the first chapter! Very fitting.

As mentioned above, showing and telling. I feel like you moved more onto the telling side every now and then, which made some sentences feel a bit forced and awkward to read. Here are some examples:

Her brownish eyes gave him the most saddened look.

With a fearful aura, Astorious hid his...

What is a fearful aura? What is a saddened look? The more you can show it, the better. It helps readers visualise it.

Also, watch out for your word choices. For example:

"Calm down..." She tried to cherish him.

I can understand that cherish is used as a synonym for 'care', but contextually, it's quite ill-fitting. Cherish is used usually when you're saying things like: I really cherish our friendship, or cherish what you have. In this example, where she was trying to soothe him, cherish just felt like an inappropriate word choice. Also, it's redundant; we can see her trying to soothe him, do you need to spell it out for us? 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

All throughout your story, there is ongoing symbolism about hope, about legacies. And I simply loved it. The progression of events felt very smooth and natural, and the blossoming of the romance and the unravelling of the past happened brilliant. I must commend you – you've got a great story on your hands!

The ending was particularly heart-breaking. Reading Hugh's suicide letter and finally gaining that bit of understanding – it was very impactful, especially since it also gave the readers a bigger glimpse of the symbolism regarding sin and society at the time. I was completely shocked when I realised that was the end – that the next chapter was just a playlist, and that the story was completed.

Which brings me onto a slight bit of advice: that last chapter felt like too much. It felt a little overwhelming. I can understand that may have been your intention, ending on a climax with the letter and the rushing to hospital with the questioning of what it means to be a star (which echoed nicely with the legacy symbolism), that may lead directly into a sequel. However, I just wanted one more chapter.

I think, for me, it was just too much and too overwhelming considering the otherwise slower pacing of your story. It felt too abrupt. My solution is simple, too: end the scene with Hadwin finding him and rushing him to hospital, and then follow that with an epilogue that is Astorious asking himself the questions (starting from 'is he dead?'). That might be a good way to help ease the reader and feel less overwhelming and rushed.

Additionally, there were times where you needed to slow down to expand the scene. For example, when we meet Johannes, the brother, in Astorious room, there's a lot of dialogue. But I wish you had built the scene even more from Hadwin's perspective, and I wish we felt more of what he felt. Show us more of the bad vibes he got, as well as the protectiveness he felt. That way, I'll be more drawn into the moment.

Anyways, I can't wait to hear about the sequel. Hopefully this one won't require five years and a ghost-writer, if you know what I mean! 

OVERALL SCORE: 19/25

Overall, a very gritty but beautiful story that is heavy in symbolism and eccentric characterisation. I would work on punctuating your dialogue, but otherwise, you're good to go. I hope this review helps!