Title: Heart in a Shell

Author: Osasucyy111

Reviewer: ray_of_sunshine9

Summary: 3.5/5

You have some very promising elements within your summary! I love the way you introduced the two characters separately, and then started to lead into how their lives will intertwine. I like that sense of mystery that you build – I am genuinely very, very excited to see exactly why Rachel's mother kept moving them around. Additionally, the rhetorical questions at the end were a nice touch. Well done!

However, there were a few things I would consider polishing. While I wish I knew more about the unexpected discovery, I can understand that may be a significant moment in the book that you want to keep a secret, so I won't worry about that. But I wish there was more about how Richard and Rachel connect, as well as what the actual conflict and stakes of the story are. What could go wrong? What needs to change? Why is there a story about this?

Additionally, you need to polish up grammar.

Will these lost souls decided to uncover the truth for themselves?

You've got conflicting tenses. 'Will' indicates future tense, but 'decided' indicates past tense. It should be:

Will these lost souls decide to uncover the truth for themselves?

Also:

For Rachel Morgan, having to move again, for what seems like the hundredth time, is heart-sick and distraught at the mere thought.

That sentence does not quite make sense. If we remove the clauses within the comma, it looks like "For Rachel Morgan, having to mov again, is heart-sick and distraught..." which doesn't quite make sense. Consider:

Rachel Morgan is heart-sick and distraught at the mere thought of having to move for what feels like the hundredth time.

There are a few other variations, of course. I just recommend removing the 'For' at the beginning. 

Grammar: 2.5/5

Overall, your grammar could use some polishing. You were making lots of consistent errors throughout the chapters. Don't worry – I'll talk about them with you.

First of all, dialogue and punctuation. When dialogue is followed by a verbal dialogue tag (such as 'he said', 'she whispered', 'they exclaimed – or anything referring to how the character says the words), there should be a comma before the closing inverted commas. If it's anything else, this comma should be replaced by a period (or a question mark for a question, and an exclamation mark for an exclamation). For example:

"Is it because today is your first day at school" he took more steps to where I stood.

Since it's a question, it should end in a question mark. Since it is followed by an action beat, the first word should be capitalised. It should be:

"Is it because today is your first day at school?" He took more steps to where I stood.

Another example:

I was shocked as Mum's tired hazels met mine, "Sweetheart, why are you still up," She asked while trying to stifle a yawn.

It should be:

I was shocked as Mum's tired hazel eyes met mine. "Sweetheart, why are you still up?" she asked while trying to stifle a yawn.

You also need to make sure that the closing inverted commas are attached to the words within the dialogue. For example:

His voice pierced my ears, making my stomach churn. " She needs to be here."

It should be:

His voice pierced my ears, making my stomach churn. "She needs to be here."

Next, capitalising words. You only capitalise words that are proper nouns, such as names of people or places. Here are some incorrect examples from your story:

The Sun shone directly on my face.

It should be:

The sun shone directly on my face.

Another example:

"Yes your Wallet. Now do you remember?"

It should be:

"Yes, your wallet. Now do you remember?"

Speaking of capitalisation, you do not need to capitalise words straight after a comma since it is technically part of the same sentence. For example:

As soon as the Principal was out of sight, My eyes went to the Creep beside me.

It should be:

As soon as the principal was out of sight, my eyes went to the creep beside me. (Creep would only be capitalised if you said Mr Creepy, since that is a proper noun.)

Also, now that I've mentioned commas, you tended to lack them quite a lot. For example:

He began to kick her in the stomach making me bite the inside of my cheek...

Read that aloud without any pauses. See how it feels awkward? That's because it should be:

He began to kick her in the stomach, making me bite the inside of my cheek...

Next, ellipsis. Whenever you use ellipsis, please restrict it to three dots only – not:

"Don't hurt my daughter....... I am begging you."

It is grammatically incorrect, unprofessional to read, and redundant. Keep it to:

"Don't hurt my daughter... I am begging you."

And one last random note:

"You can not tell me that high school is too dangerous."

Cannot is one word – not two. 

Characterisation: 4/5

First, Rachel. I think she makes a fantastic protagonist! It makes sense that she has a pretty hard exterior and doesn't like getting attached with people and/or objects considering how much she moves around, and despite that, you've conveyed her in a way that makes her relatable – I laughed at how excited she got over a queen-sized bed, and I felt terrible for her when she was stopped from painting even though she loves it.

Additionally, she shows a touch of humour – giving funny nicknames such as "Mr Creepy". And though some will call it reckless, she shows a caring side by letting said creepy man spend a night in her workshop despite the risks. When she doesn't want to go for a particular dinner, she still goes anyways because it would make her mother happy, and she has a nice layer of sarcasm to her (I laughed at the green lips remark). All in all, she makes a well-rounded protagonist, so well done!

Obviously, security light pole side, my impression of Mr Creepy was not fantastic considering how rudely he spoke to Rachel when he pushed her against the wall at school and called her a slut. That aside, the last chapter so far has redeemed him, and shown he is not just defined by his alcoholism.

Other side characters are great, too – I love Papa James, who is so invested in Rachel's love life. I also like her mother, who literally threw water over a kid for asking her daughter out and encouraging her to go to Russia with him. However, there were just a few things I found a bit odd. Let's take this moment:

"W-what are you saying? You kn-know we have to-to move because of my job."

That was said by Rachel's mother, who has been lying for ages. I'm glad it led into the whole "Mum stuttered and she never stutters" – but the amount she stuttered in the dialogue felt a bit ridiculous and awkward to read because that sort of stuttering is associated with a nervous child. It made the mother seem a bit odd and cartoonish. Maybe just make her stutter once? Or hesitate instead?

Also, avoid telling instead of showing. Avoid saying "I felt despair but beneath that I felt an underlying glimmer of happiness" because that feels a bit vague. Describe it for us – what does that feel like? 

Writing Style: 3.5/5

I've already spoken briefly about showing and telling, so I won't get into that again. First, I must commend you on the descriptions you employ – setting the scene of the park with loud children and the trimmed grass. And I love how you twisted that into something shocking and scary, with blood coming out of her ears in the haunting dream.

In moments like those, I encourage you to slow that transition down. Employ more internal monologue, and really show us how the scene transitions. Use more figurative language – personification and metaphor – to draw out the mood and tension.

Also, I love how you use one-sentence paragraphs to really hammer in the conflict and tension within scenes – especially that rather powerful prologue! However, do be careful of overusing them. Eight one-sentence paragraphs in a row loses the impact, as there is nothing to contrast it to. 

Plot + Originality: 4/5

Once again, I loved the impactful beginning – that prologue was one way to hook the reader in with a nice, vague sense of underlying terror. I also like the recurring symbol and scent of the rose; it's beautiful, but painful if one gets too close and touches it.

I also sense a bit of foreshadowing here and there, with Rachel not liking to wear dresses but not knowing why. I also found it nice and cyclical that Mr Creepy (that's all I'll call him) returned the necklace after she returned the wallet.

While I am struggling to judge plot so far because I feel like we haven't quite gotten into the nitty-gritty of the action and suspense, I am already sensing some nice character development! We have Rachel, who is quite prejudicial and not wanting to be friends with an 'alcoholic' start to have a soft side for him (loved the moment with her, his mum, and the stunt in the middle of the road). Draw out the relationship building – feel free to make them be more stubborn, and less forgiving, until they reach the climactic end of the story.

Also, the fair share of high school drama is always quite tense with the bullying – like with Harry Walter and Charlotte. It was so awful what they were trying to do to her! I must also commend you on how you handled her panic attacks – they didn't feel too forced, and the physiology was described quite nicely. Well done!

OVERALL SCORE: 17.5/25

Overall, a promising story so far! Make sure you work on your capitalisation and punctuation, and you should be good to go. I hope this review helps!